I think at around 2am I was all set to 'post' something, but it seems I fell asleep... and also no semi drunken posting.
I can recall some of my thoughts, but it won't have quite the same 'fluidity' (a joke) in the cold cold light of the morning
I had a very nice evening with Billie yesterday. We had a pleasant meal, I moaned about being constantly broke (in all senses), and we talked a lot about our situation, how we got here, and what the future may hold.
She is so grown up now, and has been for a long time. My fatherly role is now mostly a honorary title.
Later, alone at home that led to wine induced rumination.
Of course I seem to arrived quickly at my favourite ponderable, and the worst mistake I ever made.
Do I have to say it again? Something along the lines of being half a world away from here, both figuratively and literally, with the most wonderful company one could ever have.
Don't worry it's almost out of my system.
I'm never going to mention this ever again (well maybe not for a very long time) ...
“If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it” - Ernest Hemingway ps - whilst reading this post press 'play' on my previous post. I find the music and self pity go together wonderfully...
As usual, nothing much to say, just feeling a litle lonely I suppose, lonely and bored.
My computer caught a virus yesterday. I'm so very careful about these things, I was just unlucky. Anyway, I've spent the best part of a day getting it back to a useable state. I lost a few things, and it's sluggish at best, but I was so lost without it, LOST I tell ya!
What did we do before the Internet, did anything even exist pre 1994 (year I bought my first modem, £220 !!!).
I shall continue to nurse my ageing machine back to an approximation of health ( I really need a new desktop, and Billie would love a new laptop).
I've just watched 'Midnight In Paris' which is probably why my spirits are relatively good. What a fun, uplifting movie. Of course the way the story would develop was plain to see for all from the first few scenes, but the journey was such a delight!
I've drank far too much this week. I've really no excuse, apart from being on holiday. Two of the main functions of work, at least for me (which I've stated many times before) is to make me appreciate my time off, and to give me a reason (ie early starts) not to drink. The fact that I can decide not drink before an early shift is the only thing reassuring me that alcoholism is not (yet) an imminent problem for me. Ain't I cheery?
Bloggers spell check is not working (at least for me) at the moment, so I apologise for any errors...
(two hours later, all back to normal, feeling very anxious, and quite nauseous, it's 2.30 am, that's more like it...)
“If all the year were playing holidays, to sport would be as tedious as to work.” - William Shakespeare
In a rather predictable episode of self pity, I was reading some old posts a few nights ago. They made me actually nostalgic for my own life , fancy that.
More importantly, I was struck by how upbeat I sounded, I talked about stuff, and even through in the occasional (attempted) joke. That guy was optimistic I tell you!
Last night I watched 'Mulholland Drive', finally. It's been dust collecting for quite a while. Like Mark Twain sort of said, a classic is something everyone claims to have read, but no one actually wants to read. Some movies are like that, they seem a chore (until watched at least) hence the lure of the blockbuster, with no thinking required, moving on I gave it a whirl...
Well it certainly made me think, a lot, and I went to bed very very disturbed.
Since no one's reading this and no one cares about an 11 year old film, spoilers don't apply. The bulk of the story was, apparently, the aspirational dream of a human failure. What could have happened, what should have happened. A life in decline re-imagined as a life in ascendance.
That's pretty much every dream I've had for the past 10 years...
“To be wrong is nothing unless you continue to remember it” - Confucius
Imagine walking down the street fresh from a bad haircut, and you bump into someone you haven't seen for twenty years, bam! there they are. All those times they wondered what you were up to, or how badly you'd aged, wiped away by that one terrible tonsorial effort !
Now this has never happened to me, but it reveals two things, firstly, I had another terrible haircut yesterday, and secondly, I worry a lot.
Neither should really come as a surprise to anybody who has read even a single entry of this drivel.
The lovely weather yesterday lifted my spirits a little. Sadly I went out still dressed for winter, and therefore sweated away against a backdrop of shorts and sun dresses in the town centre, a place I loath to visit, but that's where the useful stuff is kept alas.
I'm on holiday by the way, I've successfully wasted two days already! If only there was some way I could drink wine every night (how about alcoholism?) and not suffer...
"There is not the hundredth part of the wine consumed in this kingdom
that there ought to be. Our foggy climate wants help." - Jane Austen
I never did elaborate on my failing suspected failing sanity, did I?
I've had an abysmal few days which were preceded by an awful few weeks.
Only fear for my job has kept me going back onto the sick (can you believe it's almost two years since I first visited my GP?).
I feel so anxious, so directionless, a little hopeless, and the twin joys of a stiff back and the ongoing toothache saga...
I seemed to have lost any ability to make decisions or act upon those I do make. Small problems pile up on each other, eventually making (at least in my mind) a Scooby-Doo sized predicament sandwich.
I can hardly cope.
It's all about isolation I suppose, no one to tell me to stop being a fool, to pull myself together, or offer advice, good or bad. I'm sitting here an anxious pit where my somewhat large stomach used to be.
Speaking of large stomachs, I actually have lost a little bit of weight.
Sadly almost everything I eat and drink results in some degree of pain. Hot tea and Coffee for instance are totally verboten, they hurt too much.
I'll give it another week or two and slope back to the dentist for the fourth time.
She said it could take a couple of months.
I've become obsessed with the weather forecast or at least the app on my phone. A windy night means my flapping roof keeps me awake, partially from the noise, partially from the fretting feedback loop! I absolutely must ring a roofer after the weekend, it has to be sorted sooner or later, before it turns into a leak or worse! knowing my luck the house will probably be condemned! (or would that actually be good luck?)
Nothing informs your mood quite like toothache, so combined with my recent moods I've been quite the joy to be around. Probably for the best that around is something I haven't been, if you see what I mean.
I started off feeling wretched, but reading back over those paragraphs everything seems so completely trivial. However since it's me we're talking about I still feel pretty wretched. Remember this is only a snapshot, we can never fully experience the feelings of another. within a few yards of where I sit I'm sure people feel equally alone and wretched, and for more valid reasons. We start and finish alone, and if we are lucky we get a little company along the way.
Nowhere to go, no-one not to go with and not even comfort eating to look forward too - poor me...
“Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance.” - Kurt Vonnegut
I fear for my sanity (details later). So what else is new?
I went back to the Dentist, what seems like weeks ago now (it was, fool!). She said there's nothing to be done and the pain may take months to go away (it's hurting as I type). The downside is hot and cold anything is still agonising, consequently the upside is I'm still losing a bit of weight.
I also had a sudden and unexpected recurrence of the old back problem too (fall at work circa 1995), I spent the majority of the working week in my capital L position, like I think I said recently, hilarious to look at, horrible to experience.
Billies Mother spent half term in New York, good for her, but better for me as Billie Stayed with me for 3 whole nights in a row (this may seem trivial to you, but to me it's a big deal, so there!).
I love her unconditionally, but she really is the archetype of a grumpy, greedy and selfish teenager. Her biggest concern all week was what presents (or if any) he Mam would bring her back!
My beloved car developed it's first problem (clutch), which gave me yet another reason to fret, but it was repaired easily and freely (I still have two years warranty left thankfully). The thing is quite the gas guzzler however, shame.
Work has been very stressful lately. My 'incident' of last year is resolved now, the last thing I had to do was attend an assertiveness course. Anybody out there who actually knows me, will realise that I need more than 3 hours to resolve this particular personality flaw, but it's a start, and probably an end.
There's been a rum bunch of patients too, I can't go into detail, but this sort of thing can get a man down.
Speaking of which, while my depression is technically 'better' if you see what I mean, there are several days each week when I just want to curl up into a ball and cry my eyes out. My biggest problem is probably loneliness, but ironically I can't stand people. That may be a little harsh on myself, but it explains the facts, no friends, no visitors, I can't recall the last time my phone rang for instance. I'm not feeling sorry for myself by the way, these are simply the facts, and they will almost certainly never ever change. So there you go, bye for now...
“The main problem with teenagers is that they're just like their parents were at their age”
