Why don't we do it in the road?

“Chins without beards deserve no honor.” - Spanish Proverb

2012-02-01T21:44:00.000+01:00

More dental woes - hot and cold anything equals pain. I've been back to my dentist and had a weeks antibiotics - It's no better but I suppose I should give it another week or so, before I crawl back. Consequently I've lost a bit of weight, silver lining eh?

There was a ward 'night out' last week. I really really didn't want to go, but somehow I was hustled into turning up. As predicted I didn't enjoy it, the company was fine, but I wasn't. I'm just not a social creature, any ability I had has long since oozed away. All I could think about whilst struggling with my expensive pizza, was when will the bill come? (about an hour and a half too late it turned out - home by 10.30! scandalous...)

I've been so very tired the past few weeks, the new shift patterns at work means I was out of the house for 14 hours Monday, and 12 Tuesday. Consequently I got in last night and my planned evening of wine, pizza and the last two (ever) episodes of 'Chuck' turned into falling asleep in front of the computer and going to bed at 11pm, which as you all know is very very early for me.

I saw Billie today, for all of 10 minutes, she called for a lift home from school, and I was happy to oblige. She's off to a football match tonight, which is one of her most favourite things, imagine that. I don't even TRY to compete...

“Hot things, sharp things, sweet things, cold things All rot the teeth, and make them look like old things” - Benjamin Franklin

2012-01-22T22:40:00.001+01:00

listen...

“Men become old, but they never become good” - Oscar Wilde

2012-01-17T23:07:00.000+01:00

I hate dropping Billie off at that house, I don't quite hate picking her up so much but I'm far from liking it. Her new living arrangements were supposed to result in me seeing her more, but somehow I'm actually seeing her less, one or maybe twice a week.
I miss her.

I get awfully lonely.

My root canal was successfully completed. My dentist really is rather good, no pain at all. I don't mind going to the dentist, it's even quite cheap now. The only problem is the boredom of just lying there like a fool, trying to find something interesting in the the ceiling for an hour.

I finally picked up my pension pack today. All my colleagues received theirs last summer, mine was mysteriously delayed. I can retire at 55 or wait until I'm 60 for a slightly bigger amount. I won't be rich, but it should cover most of my mortgage and allow my eat and heat. What a prospect! another 15 years of this to look forward to, and then more of the same,but on a reduced budget, woo hoo!

bring it back soon, please...

“I'd marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars, would sign over half to me, and guarantee that he'd be dead within a year.” - Bette Davis

“It is better to be looked over than overlooked.”- Mae West

2012-01-11T21:12:00.002+01:00

I've been to the dentist today.
Exciting stuff eh?
A man of my advanced years with toothache! I ask you. Anyway I need another root canal! two in a year! Not decay mind you, an old filling failing. Filling failing!
Actually, I went to the dentist yesterday too, same one, but accompanying Billie. She hasn't a single filling, but last year a wayward door broke off the bottom of on of her incisors. The temporary (until she's 18! and coincidentally liable to pay!!) tooth keeps falling off, and she's pretty much there every few weeks getting it glued back on!

I've been troubled with almost daily deja vu lately. I don't hold that they are anything other than organic wiring problems, and that's what worries me, more evidence of decrepitude! Whatever the cause they still give me the willies, and willies are something I do not want any of.

I'm still enjoying my new car, but I just cannot seem to get the hang of getting into and out of my little yard in any manner approaching speedy. I thought practise would help, and it has a teensy bit. But at least I haven't dented it (yet)
I even got it washed today! My old car was washed once in 7 years, predictably, just before Barbara's visit of so long ago.
The merest hint of snow however, and it's staying yardbound (the car that is). There's only a couple of inches between either side of the car and brick, and I'm not risking any lateral slippage!
My little old panda merrily slipped here there and everywhere, but was so small it didn't really matter. Thank goodness for this mildest of winters (cue frost, cue hail, cue blizzards!).

I signed onto Amazon.com (as opposed to .co.uk) earlier today to report a missing parcel and discovered my long long forgotten wish list.
Items dating back as far as 1999!! (when we still had a moon!) .
Interestingly (at least to me) almost all of them I subsequently bought on US holidays back when I did such things.
The past eh? seems that's where I spend most of my time these days...

“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.” - Mae West

“Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative.”

2012-01-05T02:34:00.000+01:00

Will this damned wind ever stop? and which part of my house will fall off first?

Moving on.
I still haven't seen Billie since Christmas Day! What a stretch, eh?
I'm picking her up from school tomorrow, in 'useful' Dad mode, of course I'd rather be in 'Dad that I'd like to just see, whilst actually still on holiday' mode, but you have to take what you can get eh?

I was a bit upset to see that the 'Jaws' ride at Universal Studios in Orlando closed down. I've many a fond memory of that ride and its environs, I'm glad that Billie and I got to go on it one last time in April of last year.

I'm feeling, well, 'stressed' may be the best way to put it. Work is a slog, both physically and mentally, and everything else seems well not quite pointless (actually , yes pointless), but simply an effort. I can't seem to concentrate or focus on anything, and I've been troubled by a new selection of headaches and bodily aches and pains (which I'm sure are all psychological in origin, except the return of the frozen shoulder, watching me attempt to put on an apron at work must be hilarious).
I've yet to return to full blown insomnia, but my sleep is restless and plagued by nightmares.
My own body seems to be on a sabotage mission, finally teaming up with what I laughingly call my 'mind' I suspect.
The good thing is this unease and listlessness is keeping me away from shopping, thereby saving me calories and money! silver lining eh?

I wanted to say something upbeat and optimistic to end.
Struggling...

End of line...

mine came without the shag.... shame...

“Things may come to those who wait...but only the things left by those who hustle.” - Abraham Lincoln

“Tact consists in knowing how far to go too far” - Jean Cocteau

2011-12-30T20:45:00.000+01:00

I'm this far (picture a very very small distance) from being completely bonkers. Living on my own I blame. Studies seem to confirm it :

http://jech.bmj.com/content/60/6/468.abstract

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mobileweb/1969/12/31/living-alone-death-risk_n_1106229.html

http://www.biomedcentral.com/1471-2458/7/335

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/04/health/research/04risks.html

http://www.newscentre.bham.ac.uk/press/2005/11/marriage_health_press_release_08_11_05.shtml

...and they were just the first few I came across on google!

Proof of my opening statement? Well if my gradual detachment from society weren't enough for you, how about this?
I've become increasingly obsessed that my upstairs (not a metaphor, I mean of my house) is going to collapse. Especially with the recent strong winds we've being having here in the delightful North East.
I know it's ridiculous, (and thank goodness for that, or it would be full blown psychosis) but every creak, groan or noise heralds an imminent disaster to my fruit cake mind. That's all I'm going to say on the matter, as more detail would make me sound even more ridiculous, even typing this is making me aware of how silly I sound, so it's probably a good thing eh? a catharsis?

I've just had 3 days off and apart from my Mams house, I haven't been anywhere, not even shopping? (what?). By the way. if you're interested, I'm still loving my new car. It's quite the gas guzzler compared to the old Panda, but it's just so swanky, oddball and well equipped , I love it. My self destructive subconscious is no doubt looking for ways to sabotage this pleasure, even as we speak...

(you know, this post started out tongue in cheek, well a bit, but those links up there are making me quite worried about myself! not the content of them as such, more the fact I felt the need to include them!!!)

“You know, a long time ago being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody's crazy.” - Charles Manson

"Misery. Sadness. Loss of Faith. No reason to Live... This is perfect for you. "

2011-12-29T00:46:00.000+01:00

When Billie's away (Mothers 50th birthday expedition) it becomes super apparent just how little I have going on. It's somewhere far far below something and a teensy teensy bit above nothing, actually that's a lie, it's nothing.

It would be so easy for me to develop a drinking problem, and as I already have an eating problem, that seems the obvious place to go. I look forward to the slight change in outlook alcohol produces, and it's only being at work that stops me drinking every night. I'm not making light of real alcohol problems, but I can so easily imagine how one would start.

Internal grumpy sod status, has once again started to spill over into the 'real' world. I've been managing to keep it in check for a goodly while now, but for anyone that cares to look (apparently no one) the evidence is there if you choose to see it (ditto). I must just finish by mentioning the most ridiculous nightmares from last night. the content is unimportant and far from interesting to anybody that isn't me, no the only (marginally) interesting part is I remember walking up from a nightmare, actually in the dream. that's right I'm having 'Inception' style nightmares now - we need to go deeper!

must watch this again - soon...

Oh no, not this again - blah, blah, blah...

2011-12-26T01:55:00.000+01:00

Talk about turnabout, well if you like. I'm feeling pretty despondent at the moment, fancy that eh? I spent most of Christmas day alone, looking into a bottle. Billie's going away on Tuesday for a week, and I've got a full week at work starting tomorrow. Plus the most depressing day of the year, and the only time I get to bed before midnight, namely New Year, is approaching. Lonely and depressed, welcome back old friends, sadly only metaphorical ones...

Time for bed

Bored, 6.15pm

2011-12-25T19:24:00.001+01:00

a post from my phone... a bit pointless really as I'm sitting in front of my computer!

I'd forgotten Wham bars were raspberry flavoured...
(that caption could also be referring to 'Breaking Bad')

"Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho."

2011-12-25T09:21:00.001+01:00

I really was intending to have some Christmas decorations this year.
Obviously I didn't.
Billie isn't even visiting me, so what's the point? (I am seeing her for a couple of hours later though). Despite the initial gloom of this post, I feel so much better than last Christmas, and much much better than the one before.
Now as you can imagine,I'm not a Christmassy person, not at all. However I'd like wish a Happy Christmas to anybody and everybody out there, but especially to the two friends I made, and lost, via the blessing/curse that is the Internet, namely Andrea and Barbara. Whatever you're up to, I hope it's something fun and you're surrounded by the people you love.

Feliz Navidad!

(by the way, regarding the title. I'm not about to go on a shooting spree, I simply watched one of my favourite Christmas movies , namely 'Die Hard', last night)

"It's a beautiful duck. It really is. But you see..... it's.... smiling at me!"

2011-12-23T02:08:00.000+01:00

Well I bought that car and I really really like it. A Nissan Cube Kaizen in pearl white. It gets some strange looks but that, I think, is part of the appeal. Odd, is how I would describe myself. Not in a 'I'm Crazy me!!' kind of way just different. Not in an elitist way either, I'm not better than other people, just different.
Even Billie grudgingly admits she 'quite' likes the car now.

While I'm here, Happy Belated Birthday Barbara Hultberg. I tweeted more time appropriately, but it's the first time I've stopped by this old place since then.

Billie and I watched 'A Christmas Story' today. Coincidently this was recommended to me by Barbara many years ago, but this was the first time we'd seen it. We enjoyed it.

Apparently it's Christmas in a few days...

"He puzzled and puzzed till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. Maybe Christmas, he thought... doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps... means a little bit more!"

"Captain, can you stop her from bein' cheerful, please?"

2011-12-14T01:27:00.000+01:00

Hey there!

Fooled you, I'm still as miserable as ever (well not quite ,ever)

See you after this bottle of wine...

I'm back, my weeks holiday is all but over. What did I do? Not much.
Although not really an achievement as such, in the past week I've watched about 55 episodes of 'Community' my how I now adore that show! I hated Alison Brie (or at least her character, Trudy) in 'Mad Men' (please come back soon , oh you are!) but she's adorable in this. The whole ensemble are fabulous, love the whole 'meta' (ugh) vibe of the show, please don't get cancelled.
Speaking of 'Mad Med' , and I was, I also enjoyed all 10 minutes of Christina Hendricks in 'Drive', (I'm a heterosexual man with a redhead fetish, what do you expect? - although she'll always be Mrs Reynolds to me, of course) what a fantastic film! (a great soundtrack too!)

Speaking of TV, 'Dexter' is hovering around Shark jumping territory. That Season finale, better have a few cats that bag pulling will be done to! I'm serious!

In actually interesting news, I'm picking up my new (to me at least) car tomorrow. The widely reviled Nissan Cube, yes I took the plunge an d spent all my savings, plus a loan, on a car that is mostly hated (especially by one 15 year old I know pretty well). I personally love them. I had to compromise and get it in pearl white though (since there are so few cars in the UK to actually buy). They were a huge huge sales flop in the UK, and apparently no more will ever be imported. I'm hoping that will give them a certain culty status in the years to come (chances are it's the last car I'll ever buy). Meanwhile in North America and Japan they are literally driving out of the showrooms, literally, how else would they leave? I could have said flying? never mind.

Back to work on Thursday, I'm not dreading it, but something doesn't feel right. I've pretty much ALWAYS got a vague sense of dread, it's just a little beefed up these past few weeks.

Hey, I know you love hearing about my haircuts - So er, I got a haircut. I haven't been to this barbers for about 20 years, but the usual place was shut. I'm actually very happy with what they did.
Should I go for a new facial hair configuration to go with it though? I've had this full beard since we got back from Florida in April.
Time for a change? A Van Dyke? the old soul patch? a moustache?
The big beard does do such a great job of hiding my face though...

"Well, my time of not taking you seriously is coming to a middle."

“You can't have everything. Where would you put it?”

2011-12-06T21:15:00.001+01:00

Why hello! I'd almost forgotten about this dusty corner of the Internet!
I'm on holiday this week, consequently I'm quite quite bored, and that leads to , well miserable stuff.
But not quite yet.

Nothing is happening, nothing has happened, nothing will happen, but hey, so what.

Oh wait, Billie is moving house this week, that's important. From next week she'll be staying with me more, as she's not entirely enamoured at the new family dynamic. Silver linings eh?

My quest for an affordable Nissan Cube continues. Billie still hates them, and everyone else too it seems, everyone but me. I'd like to get one before Christmas as it'll be like a present to myself, awww!

I've been watching a lot of TV to pass them time. Dexter, once my favourite show, is well floundering a bit , let's hope the last two episodes of this season reel me back in (they will). My new discovery is "Community" one of those whip smart, pop culture quoting sitcoms I love. Sadly it looks like it'll be cancelled soon, just as I arrive. One door opens, another closes eh?

“Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time.” - Steven Wright (Happy Birthday)

2011-12-03T02:27:00.001+01:00

“When I was your age, television was called books.”

2011-11-23T12:16:00.001+01:00

Gordon Bennett!
It's been weeks since I 'wrote' anything. Now I bet you're assuming I've been on some crazy wild adventure, and now I'm back to tell you all about it? Absolutely right!

Oh, actually I was thinking of someone else. Bugger all, that's what's happened, and I couldn't be bothered to say it until this chilly Wednesday morning, chilly because my gas is turned off, albeit temporarily.

I had a nasty ear infection, my hearing is only just starting to return in my right ear. For several days I was very worried, however foolishly, that the hearing wouldn't return, honestly. I'd assumed it was wax, and before seeking medical advice had hoked and poked, and plied my ears with all sorts of drops. I was worried I'd actually damaged them, but thankfully, as usual, I was wrong. Just a couple of days ago, I was so dizzy and wobbly that I couldn't even drive.

My 'troubles' at work are still to be resolved, and it seems it'll be weeks, maybe even after Christmas, before any kind of decision is made. I do know that my job is safe at least.

I decided not to even bother with the Christmas Night out this year. Last year I was so miserable that I was back home by 10pm, and I walked! So why even bother? let the transformation to total crazy shut in complete itself (almost, I was out for 50 minutes in July, I seem to recall). I can't tolerate people any more, and people can't tolerate me. Maybe sometimes we get what what we deserve, I don't believe that for one second, but it felt like a good way of finishing...

"There are three golden rules for bringing up children. Alas, no one knows what they are." - Adela Bradley

“When you're finished changing, you're finished.” - Benjamin Franklin

2011-11-07T00:38:00.000+01:00

I'm so very very worried about what's happening at work.
Oh I never went into details did I? Remember 'the incident', when I was on nights? Well it is far from resolved. There is an 'investigation'. For the past few weeks, I've been waiting for a meeting, which is this very Tuesday, at last! My useless, and apparently representativeless (that word didn't previously exist I'm thinking) union, assures me is only 'fact finding'. Well as long as those facts aren't my sacking, I should be okay. I've never been so worried about future events, not that I can recall. Eek! (sorry that all may sound flippant, but I'm sincerely terrified).

In probably more important news, Billie has had something of a falling out with her Mother. By something , I mean bloody bloody major!
It seems Billie is not at all okay with the current domestic arrangements at 'home'. Her Mother, for whatever reason, consequently told her to come and live with me! Thanks!
The most terrifying aspect of this sea change would not be the required chucking of my slovenly routine, but having to discuss money with my ex-wife, gulp. And am I a good enough parent?
In actuality , it'll meant that Billie will probably be staying with me a couple of nights a week from now on, I can get used to that.
Although, thinking about it, I may have to actually start shopping, and develop a few good habits - the horror! the horror!

“We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.”

"I must have some booze. I demand to have some booze!"

2011-11-04T02:32:00.000+01:00

It appears I'm still alive, empirically at least. If I can be bothered, more words later today (assuming wine is available)...

I've just rediscovered the following post, unpublished and forgotten, dating from about two weeks ago. This was a bad bad day...

I hate myself. No that's a bit strong, I dislike myself, memo to everyone else - your were right!
I hate this blog, at least at the minute. I used to love this blog, when I was in love, it was for romantic outpourings. Now it's where I tell an indifferent world I'm mentally ill...

I've been on holiday for two weeks, it's been awful. To be honest it was marginally better than being at work but only just. Fourteen identical days, where only the vague promise of alcohol, got me through.
Tonight I'm on the edge of tears, thankfully, the right edge , but anything, a slight draft even, could push me over to the other side. I don't like me. I hope to change that opinion one day.

I've had an awful temporal headache for something like three months now. Headaches make you miserable. Headaches make you irritable. Give me some slack.
The optician says my prescription is right, yet my glasses make it worse. She's referred me to my GP.
If it's all 'in my head' , which of course it literally is (hey it's a headache), I'm crazier than I thought.
It's no coincidence I have no friends, and a family who merely tolerate me... I haven't felt this low since I was off sick last year, contemplating what we all ultimately contemplate.

I heard from work today that my recent 'incident' is to be investigated, consequently I'm temporarily off nights, something that in other circumstances, I'd be celebrating.
Maybe this will turn out alright, maybe Billy will find true love, maybe bacon will resurrect and find wings...

I'm pathetic, but in mental and physical pain. maybe that will make you feel better about your own life. See, every cloud ...

“The world is a fine place and worth the fighting for and I hate very much to leave it.” - Ernest Hemingway

2011-10-18T03:45:00.000+02:00

The long gap between posts, was for once, not due to lack of content. No the reference to 'important stuff' in my last but one post was namely, the worsening health of Billies Grandma. For the moment, my petty concerns are just that - petty (and even more irrelevant than usual).

About 10 days ago, or so, Billie went with her Mam to visit her in ICCU in Bristol.
She came back home last week , her Grandma sadly, died later that same day.
I'm no believer in an afterlife, but I hope she found some ease, some rest.

When she was my my Mother-in-Law, she, like most people, neither liked nor understood me. Things had improved a bit towards the end of my married life, but she was still not a fan I suspect.

Billie is handling her death very well, she really is growing up. She's staying strong for her Mam I suspect, who was very close to her own Mother. They were very alike, in many ways.
Selfishly, Billies support means I'm seeing even less of her than usual, but this is one reason even I can't balk at.
I hope everyone involved can find some peace.

Next time - more of the usual rubbish...

“We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master” - Ernest Hemingway

There was a boy, A very strange enchanted boy...

2011-10-10T15:46:00.003+02:00

"The greatest thing
You'll ever learn
Is just to love
And be loved
In return"

I just had to post this video,
but while I'm here, I simply must take a moment to praise the finale of "Breaking Bad", such a strange combination of stillness, tension and excitement, 10 out of 10...

"Harry, I have no idea where this will lead us, but I have a definite feeling it will be a place both wonderful and strange..."

2011-10-09T01:54:00.000+02:00

"Your name is sung and tattooed now on my heart
Here I will carry, carry, carry you,
forever"

Well well, here I am again.
As is often the case, I'm slightly drunk, which is only just taking the edge of my ever so bad mood. An 'incident' at work has left me feeling even more isolated. Whilst not totally free from blame, no one was keen to stand up for me, so be it. So that's the start to my 'holiday' , worrying about the crap awaiting me when I 'return'.

By the way, now I hate nights EVEN MORE! Who'd have thought!

Important stuff is happening elsewhere, and it would be crass and demeaning to mention it here in Billy Hopkinsons emotional dump ( but you know what I'm talking about, don't you?) (btw - I mean me, future readers, I'm the 'you', if you see what I mean?).

Two weeks off, I know I'll waste it, and so do you. So many things I could and should be doing...

"Sleep deprivation is a one-way ticket to temporary psychosis." - Dale Cooper

"You know what? Copernicus called and you are NOT the center of the universe!"- Frasier Crane

2011-09-29T22:44:00.000+02:00

"There's a hole in daddy's arm
Where all the money goes"

Until I inevitably get bored, I'm resurrecting the song lyrics intros, I rather liked them...

I'm such a sloth, a top procrastinator. My solution to most problems is to ignore them until they go away. As you can imagine this rarely pays off.

Of course this is all an oblique, well not very, reference to my ongoing visual problems.

On Sunday the headache was so bad I simply went to bed. I didn't wear my new glasses for two days, but blimey, I didn't realise what a step forward they'd been, I couldn't read roadsigns, and driving in the dark, in fact doing anything in the dark, at least that involved looking, was out of the question (remember, I also have rather pathetic night vision, I can't even see stars anymore).
Yesterday, I relented and went back to the varifocals, the pain was a little better bizzarely had relocated. Because (I imagine) of using the old prescription for two day, the left eye was super blurry too (it's getting better).
Now you dear reader, you would have popped off to the opticians, all righteous but level headed, and got this sorted out.
I obviously didn't. Thanks to a strange confluence of shifts, it'll be over a week until I can get there - cue lots of painkillers, lots and lots of whining and self pity (but in all honesty the pain is real and quite bad)
I'm just going to get my eyes retested and start from scratch. The real stinger is the nearly £400 I paid for two pairs, gulp!

It's payday today, after a long long five weeks. I got so close to being overdrawn, this close (holds up fingers, really quite close together). It's like a bouncing ball, each month the bounce is a little less, until, hang on for this metaphor to work, the ball would have to start tunnelling underground, wouldn't it? Oh well it worked up to a point.

Note, despite bemoaning a lack of funds, it didn't stop me from finally picking up the 'Lost' blu-ray box set, when it finally fell below my price limit (that's £10 per season "fyi"). Now I have to face the mammoth task of actually watching it (again). I for one didn't mind the ending, I thought the journey was more important than the destination, if you see what I mean. I fondly recall the weekly post viewing analysis with Barbara, when Lost (and to some extent me) was in it's heyday.
Come on it wouldn't be a proper post without at least one veiled or totally not veiled reference to Canada, eh? (absolutely no pun intended - honest!)

My how she's changed, but I really like this album in all its big haired pomposity - but this video, well it is really quite dreadful...

“Small children give you headache; big children heartache” - Russian Proverb

Hellooooo 1980s!

Title To Be Announced...

2011-09-24T14:53:00.001+02:00

Nothing terrible happened, nothing good happened either, mind you.

I'm killing time until I start work at 14.30! We're starting a new shift today which entails a later start and less days off. It's not a popular change, with me or pretty much anyone else I've spoken too. Did I mention less days off?

I found a piece of old Christmas card pushed through my letter box. On the back was written 'Jesus loves you'. I imagine everyone in the street got one. Was this a nice gesture? Or do you see something more sinister? Remember I am a devout atheist.

I've temporarily given up on the new glasses! ("Oh no, not this again!" you may be saying to yourself, and I can't really blame you) until I can see (ha, there we go again!) the optician again. It all boils down to clear sight and a headache, versus slightly blurred everything versus a sweet sweet lack of headacheyness. Some choice.

I had yet another outbreak of nostalgia last night, and ended up scrolling through a load of old photos. When combined with wine this can only have one outcome - Bad! Poor old Billy...

“When two elephants fight, it is the grass that gets trampled”

2011-09-23T11:59:00.000+02:00

Oh no, it's another one of those days. Pit of the stomach, mind churning, doom gloom days...

I saw the optician (no pun intended), and I'm pretty sure she just thinks I'm mad. She couldn't find anything wrong. All I know is that a few minutes of wearing my new glasses results in pain in the right eye and temple. My old glasses - nothing!

My days off went by in a mundane flash. Off to work in a minute...

“I say, when life gives you a lemon, wing it right back and add some lemons of your own!” - Bill Watterson

“Bad is called good when worse happens” - Norwegian Proverb

2011-09-19T18:11:00.002+02:00

Having a constant headache finally drove me to action, a little one at least, namely an optician appointment on Wednesday.

My attempt to stay up really really late last night was scuppered, mostly by being at work for around 14 hours yesterday, combined with being an out of shape middle aged man, I woke up, somewhat bewildered, in front of the computer around 2.30am , and somehow managed to get myself to bed.
Rather cruelly, I woke up at 8am this morning and couldn't get back to sleep.
So I'm sitting here, almost literally killing time until I go to work tonight, wide awake but also completely knackered.
I really can't explain my awful relationship (make up your own jokes) with night shift, and I'd like to. All I need to (apparently continually) say is I dread it, almost to the point of inaction (although casual observers would not notice any difference to my normal behaviour). I don't know how it started, it's enough that it did. The one good thing is, when it's over, I actually feel quite uplifted (but let's not get carried away, it's just a temporary aberration)

More importantly, I dreamt of Barbara again last night. You'd really think that I'd have stopped all that by now, wouldn't you? But for I haven't, make of that what you will.
It seems all my dreams are dominated by two overarching themes now , namely 'decay' and 'regret' , (potential Nine Inch Nails album title?). Where are all those fun dreams I used to have? eh? eh?

Time to iron a uniform...

“A man grows most tired while standing still.” - Chinese Proverb

“More and more, it feels like I'm doing a really bad impersonation of myself.”

2011-09-17T01:01:00.000+02:00

I'll soon reach post number 730! That means it's only around 365 posts since I mentioned I was nearly at post 365, if you see what I mean. In short you could read two posts a day for a whole year and not run out (except maybe the will to live) ! That's very nearly a pamphlet, if a hard copy existed, which thankfully, it doesn't.

As I tweeted about 60 seconds ago, I've still got a headache. It's lasted around four months, which is exactly how long I've been wearing these damn varifocals. I really wish I'd never bothered.

Billies house has a 'For Sale' up, imagine how delighted 'Mr. Insecure' was to see that (I mean me, I hope you realise - you did didn't you? eh?).

It looks like a new car is so far off the menu, it's on, well, another menu, in another restaurant, probably in another time zone. At least for now - evil laugh! Actually maybe three or four months, want that vagueing up a bit more?

Monday night, my absolute favourite thing - Night Shift! I shall say no more about it except there was a major lie in that last sentence. Can you guess what it was?

I finally had to bite the bullet, and put on the central heating tonight - in September!

Billie stayed over tonight. Sadly all we did was her homework. That's because Saturday she has yet another party, and Sunday, watching a football match (ugh!). Sadly Dad time comes a distant third, but I'd happily be third than not placed at all...

“We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens.” - Chuck Palahniuk

“I have an unfortunate personality.”” - Orson Welles

2011-09-10T22:42:00.001+02:00

Humbug, I'm feeling extra grumpy, supremely disconnected (what's new?) and at odds with the whole darn world tonight. Earlier this week I found out from Billie that her Mams Boyfriend and his Daughter are already living with them. What bothers me most about that, irrationally I'll admit (hey, that's one of my, many, middle names), is that I hardly get to see Billie, these teenage days, and now someone I don't even know is, well, seeing her more than me, just jealousy I suppose, another of my talents (or is it envy?)

I need a new car and I really like the Nissan Cube. Sadly Billie hates them, and threatened to never get in if I get one, clumsy sentence but true. I imagine that her need for a lift would eventually force her in, but I respect her wishes enough to have to think twice now. Actually that should be think thrice, as I was already wondering how I was going to afford , the already second-hand, car. If I were to get the car my chances of a holiday (or indeed food) would be low to zero, for the next few years, so maybe she's doing me a favour.

Re-reading those two paragraphs has made me feel better - they're complete tripe. I'm being a selfish, self righteous prig, as usual. I really should lighten up , and maybe just maybe get out of the house once in a while...

“The enemy of society is middle class and the enemy of life is middle age.” - (More) Orson Welles

"How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this world."

2011-09-03T11:29:00.001+02:00

I hope I can crawl my way out of this one. I woke up actually feeling worse than last night. My stomach feels like it's washing rocks on a slow spin cycle. I don't feel especially unwell, at least physically, just bleak, forgotten, and quite pointless (maybe unnecessary is a better word?).
I know, I'm quite pathetic, and not in the demanding sympathy sense, but it's my post, and I'll cry if I want to!

Now it's off to work, it doesn't cheer me up as such, but I can put 'this' on the back burner for a few hours whilst I'm cleaning commodes...

“Anyone who works is a fool. I don't work - I merely inflict myself upon the public.” - Robert Morley

2011-09-03T02:51:00.001+02:00

I drove down a rarely travelled (at least by me) road today.

Since I last passed that way, a school had been demolished, and was obviously being developed for housing. When I was still married, I could see this school in the distance from my bedroom window, but that isn't the important part of my rambling. It suddenly popped into my head that I'd been in that school before. It was over 20 years ago, when I was a Student Nurse, and I followed a Community Nurse around for a few weeks. I was a lot thinner and had a huge quiff. I must have looked quite amusing to the pupils, they followed me around and called me 'Mr Nurse' as if it was the funniest thing ever. It probably was. I was a much nicer person then, before the first of several rots set in.

You once again find me in quite a foul mood. Apart from the usual mental illness issues, I am stony broke,and my beloved projector has packed in again. Furthermore I'm feeling spectacularly alone and isolated, especially these past few days (which I like to call my days off). The only time I saw Billie this week (and now it'll be the only time I see her) was a 10 minute lift to a party last night, and the return trip this morning. Now as is her wont, she's away again on a trip, and then back to School next week. What a Summer we've had together. You're more likely to see me smiling than I am to see her, ie, not very much at all.

I know, I know...

I've got their one album, and it's really really good...

“We are like butterflies who flutter for a day and think its forever.” -Carl Sagan

“If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up.” - Hunter S Thompson

2011-09-01T01:48:00.002+02:00

He hadn't written a single word!
Well apart from these, obviously. In a nutshell, nothings happened. Billies gone away again, and reports she can't get any phone reception, figure that one out!

I apparently can't even get drunk , as this empty bottle, and bad mood attests.

This post doen't even warrant a youtube link...

“Love sought is good, but given unsought, is better”

2011-08-28T19:56:00.000+02:00

I really should have expanded that last entry, it didn't quite say what I wanted, at least not fully.

I seem to be sliding backwards a long long way down whatever metaphor you are mentally conjuring up. Even Billie, who usually doesn't mention my mental state, commented today, prompting this addendum (is that the right word?).

I'm almost embarrassed to go back to work tomorrow. From the point of view of those people out the other day, I was rejecting them by going home so early (or not). They probably didn't realise the anxiety and discomfort I was feeling, I just wanted to escape back to my comfort zone, which I suppose is the very seat I'm sitting in right now.

Like many things (one very important one in particular) , I could probably rationalise and almost fully explain my strange actions, but fear of vulnerability stops me short of laying my soul completely bare here, I merely hint enough to jog my memory at some far far future date (welcome visitor from tomorrow!).

Put simply, I'm a depressive misanthropic shut-in borderline alcoholic (hey! I can see the border from here!).

Billie stayed with me the last couple of nights, actually the first time I've seen her in three weeks (she's been abroad again!). Her Mother was away again. She didn't 'go with' so she could see me, how nice!

I forgot to mention that her Mother is now in a serious relationship. This doesn't bother me as such, everyone deserves to be happy. No what troubled me for a few weeks (and obviously still circles the niggling camp), was the imminent house selling and moving in together. It'll feel strange collecting my Daughter from 'someone elses' house, someone who actually sees more of her than me. It's simple child like jealousy of course, but it's one of the things I'm best at!

Rereading, this still doesn't fully convey what I want to say. Listen if you're really interested, call round later in the week and I'll tell ya' all about it.

In the section I like to call 'Inevitable News' it's the time of year where I ruminate and plan a holiday, and it doesn't happen. I've two weeks off in October, I can probably scrape together enough cash for a trip, somewhere! I recall a 'top tip' in Viz a long time ago, something along the lines of 'planning a holiday is half the fun, so this year I'm planning two and saving the money!' Think of all the cash I've saved!

More depressing minutiae soon, I imagine...

I was really looking for 'Canada In Springtime' , maybe my favourite Free Design song...

“Society is no comfort to one not sociable.” - William Shakespeare

"Bogus. Heinous. Most non-triumphant"

2011-08-27T03:26:00.000+02:00

I was getting bored of post after post stating how bored/boring/miserable I am. Hence the long gap between posts. I've just had a very long and stressful stretch of shifts at work, and I'm completely knackered mentally and physically.

There was a ward night out tonight, and I made an effort to go, but soon after arriving, all I could think about was going home again, which I did as soon as the opportunity arose. I simply couldn't relax, it wasn't a panic attack as such, all I wanted was to get out and retreat to the security of my own company. That's it for me and other people I think, I'm doomed to be alone and for whatever reason, my subconscious seems okay with that - damn you subconscious! It's what I deserve I suppose...

“ . . . the chief proof of man's real greatness lies in his perception of his own smallness.” - Arthur Conan Doyle

“There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.” - Mark Twain

2011-08-12T20:18:00.000+02:00

So true.
I wish I'd found this picture a few years ago.
Nothing continues to happen...

"Any time you got nothing to do--and lots of time to do it--come on up." - Mae West

2011-08-11T13:06:00.000+02:00

Well it seems I'm not completely crazy, at least not yet.
I had an opticians appointment yesterday, and it seems there was a manufacturing error in my glasses which could (but may not) explain the headaches and blurred vision.

Billie is in Tenerife, so I almost literally have nothing to do on my days off. There's a million and three things I probably should be doing, but I'm not doing any of them, so there.

“I have seen slower people than I am and more deliberate... and even quieter, and more listless, and lazier people than I am. But they were dead.” - Mark Twain

2011-08-09T23:32:00.000+02:00

“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.” - P.J. O'Rourke

2011-08-04T16:16:00.002+02:00

I'm posting a lot recently, eh?
I've nothing particularly interesting to say, it just feels like half a conversation I suppose.

How did I forget to mention my bi-annual haircut yesterday? (come on that's big news in the Billy world). It was getting really really long, and now it's really short (though not as short as you are probably imagining - what am I talking about?). For once this isn't freaking me out. It'll grow back I imagine.

After be-moaning the lack of daughterly contact yesterday, Billie is staying over tonight. that always lifts my spirits a bit. Maybe this anxiety is just sublimated loneliness. Most of the time loneliness doesn't bother me, but, well, you know. I blew my chance with probably the best friend I'll ever have, old story (that I constantly retell myself) , you know how it goes...

“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.”

“I'm all in favour of free expression provided it's kept rigidly under control.” - Alan Bennett

2011-08-03T22:03:00.000+02:00

Ooh, I do feel out of sorts. Still can't shift that nagging anxiety.

I think that the blurred vision is down to those damn varifocals, they give me constant headaches, soon as I switch back to my old glasses, the headaches seem to fade away.

Of course this could all be, and may well be, a product of my bizarre mind.

Either way I think getting my eyes retested soon would be a good idea.

In more pragmatic events, my poor old car just barely scraped through it's MOT today. It was accompanied by a long list of 'advisorys' as long as a very long thing indeed. It may sadly be time to say goodbye to the old girl, the repairs needed are around a third of it's total value! I can probably get them done by next year, but a new selection will have surely arisen. I certainly can't afford a new car but the NHS run a leasing system that may be something I can afford.

I haven't seen that daughter of mine in an age. It's the summer holidays after all, she's all the time she needs, but there always seems to be another sleepover, party, or shopping trip! I'm just joking of course, I remember how peripheral parents seem in the teenage years, I just miss her that's all...

I promise to at least try and be a bit more upbeat next time...

no, really...

I couldn't be friends with anyone who didn't at least like Ella Fitzgerald...

(okay maybe I could, I don't really have a lot of options...)

“I used to have nightmares that they would put 'He played Ted' on my tombstone.” - Keanu Reeves

2011-08-02T12:29:00.000+02:00

New random health problem alert.
I noticed my left eye was blurred at the weekend (it's still blurred, it was the weekend that the noticing occurred), I could see but reading, at any distance, was difficult. My immediate worry was not my health, but the £350 I recently splashed out on two pairs of varifocals! I'm not going through that again (and I obviously can't afford to).
Anyway, it's getting a little better, I'm putting it down to fatigue, I really really hope that's all it is.

“Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get” - George Bernard Shaw

2011-07-30T23:02:00.004+02:00

Just back from a very long (seemingly) shift at work. I put a tubular bandage on my ankle, it feels much better, and it's greatly reduced my limp!
I've still got that sense of dread, which I thought I'd mentioned before, but foolishly realise, I haven't. Anyway since I don't believe in the supernatural, precognition, fate, or any other premonition based malarkey, I'm obviously simply going crackers.
Weeks of disturbing dreams and now this almost unshakable sense of impending doom, completely nuts! There can be no other explanation.

I've now watched the whole of the first season of "Game Of Thrones" , and I was slowly, but inescapably ,taken over by the complexity, the production design and simply bloody good story telling. Some genuine surprises, no spoilers, and that NI scenery looks great (and I know some of it is shot in Malta, the 'sunny' bits!). Hard to believe that all the interiors are shot in the former shipyards. I'd really like to visit Belfast some day, I hear it's a great place.

I bought some second hand 'Rush' CDs which I am enjoying very much, I love being so eclectic! oh stop!
But really I must stop, or at least slow down with the CD purchasing (why?). On Wednesday of this week, I either received in the post, or bought secondhand, 17. And they weren't the only ones this week. In my defence, I never buy new (or at least full price!), but if i like music, I like to 'own' it, I have an undeniable hoarding instinct which I've somehow sublimated into CD buying these past 3 years (!). I'm rambling and giddy, I'm off to bed. Another long stretch of days at work ahead, so you probably won't hear anything from me, until wine can be consumed once more!

I came to this song via Laura Cantrell, whom I adore, the John Prine original is great too, but youtube had no decent videos of either, so here's a nice Johnny Cash version. but if you can check the Laura Cantrell version, it's simple and heartbreaking...

“We want a few mad people now. See where the sane ones have landed us!” - George Bernard Shaw

2011-07-30T02:10:00.001+02:00

(this post was about 2am this morning, it obviously precedes the one above, but it confused me!)

Lying in bed, typing on iPod. I hurt my ankle a couple of days ago, and the pain is keeping me awake. Also the room is spinning slightly. I'll finish in the morning, I imagine.

“We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.”- George Bernard Shaw

2011-07-27T02:50:00.001+02:00

I'm just a little bit drunk, and a whole lot tired. A long stretch at work over, and I'll hopefully see Billie tomorrow for the first time in a couple of weeks.

I've nothing much to say. Oh - It would've been my 25th wedding anniversary on Monday, if that's of any interest. I've no regrets, really, but that's the kind of date that sticks in the mind I suppose.

I had what seemed like a whole week of nightmares last week. Maybe nightmares is a little strong, unsettling dreams maybe, and maybe week is a little strong too, 3 or 4 nights, I think. Anyway the past couple of days I've simply been too knackered and miserable to let such trifles bother me. In other self pitying news, I don't think I've ever quite been so broke. It's pay day this week, but alas, that only gives a brief illusion of a reprieve, by the time Messrs Direct and Debit come a calling I'll be back in the same watery vessel I find myself in now (boat, I mean boat!!! see?).

Breaking Bad continues to impress, Game of Thrones is actually rather good. The rest, for now at least, is silence...

“The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who haven't got it.”

“I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.” - Charles Schulz

2011-07-21T02:41:00.002+02:00

So little has happened the last few days, therefore - no posting.
I really felt like being a chatty Kathy too. Boy, I really need someone to talk to.

I'm all over the place today, I've been feeling decidedly odd, my minds a whirl. I haven't been outside for a day or two now, but I'm back to work in a few hours, so no choice there. There just doesn't seem to be any reason to go out anymore. Billie is on a school trip to Paris, so I don't even have that small calling anymore. I had some unsettling dreams last night, and i couldn't shake off the emotional hangover all day. I didn't even open the curtains today, which is how it all started last time (I didn't open my curtains for about six months prior to finally goin' nuts! - paging Dr. Freud!).

I've watched a bucket load of TV though, finally getting around to that Dirty Harry box set, I especially loved the San Francisco scenery (if money were no object I'd live there!), and I've started 'Game of Thrones' at last. It didn't initially grab me, but I'm sure it will come after a few more episodes. Northern Ireland looks very lovely though.

I've taken a bit of a shine to twitter recently, I can see how it could become addictive. I only wish I had a few followers, so my words of wisdom don't vanish unappreciated (oh yeah).

It's very very late, and I really should go to bed, but I don't feel tired at all, my minds a whirligig, at least metaphorically.

“It is an odd thing, but every one who disappears is said to be seen at San Francisco. It must be a delightful city, and possess all the attractions of the next world.” - Oscar Wilde

"It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury; signifying nothing. "

2011-07-15T10:00:00.001+02:00

Looks like I'm staying put today. I'm fine sitting down, but due to a freak muscly spasmy episode, I can't seem to stand up straight. It happened yesterday when I took my Mam out shopping, and bent down to a low shelf. The upside is I look absolutely hilarious, sadly/luckily (delete as applicable) there's no one here to see the funny L shaped man.

I watched the last two episodes of "Band Of Brothers" last night, and, once again found myself crying - twice! The concentration camp is so moving, anyone not shedding a tear surely cannot be human, and the final reveal of the characters real life counterparts gets me every time.

“The aim of the wise is not to secure pleasure, but to avoid pain.” - Aristotle

"A hobby should pass the time, not fill it. "-Norman Bates

2011-07-14T12:22:00.000+02:00

"Oh reality, it's not for me
And it makes me laugh"

My Internet connection went down for a few hours last night, and it was like THE WORLD HAD ENDED! Obviously if Ragnarok was imminent I'd probably have other concerns, but you get the gist, eh? I'm not a great lover of the mobile phone, other than as a gadget, but I imagine that's akin to the withdrawal a teenager must feel (especially one I know) when deprived of their blackberry, or what have you. I don't converse with anyone online, but just having the potential is somewhat uplifting, plus all the other crap too! lol ! (that "lol" was an attempt at some kind of meta joke, referring to the subject matter, it's not something I would ever say, as if!).

FYI (!) It's Thursday morning, the sun is shining, I've got the whole day ahead of me, but I won't let that stop me from having an absolutely miserable time...

"Don't worry Tony, it's only a movie." - Alfred Hitchcock

"Can I be serious with you with you for a minute?" "I don't know. Can you?"

2011-07-12T22:09:00.001+02:00

Since I'm the principal audience of this so called 'blog' I've decided that I only need a numbered system to describe how I feel. My verbal skills are limited, to say the least, so all I really need is a to say a number 6, which could mean, a hint of optimism, disgruntled, and a slight stomach ache, or a number 11 which could mean extreme self pity, a dash of self loathing, hopeless yearning, and a desperate desire to buy more Cd's. I could even sub-divide categories, pity/6, sighing per hour - 5 etc etc.

This could be a contender...

As I expected my holiday is already becoming 'groundhog day' , except unlike Phil Connors, no self improvement is occurring (I think), but thankfully no sightings of Andie MacDowell (although playing the piano would be grrrreat!)

Today was a Number 46/sp7/sl9/tab 9...

"Ned, I would love to stay here and talk with you... but I'm not going to"

“Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!” - George Carlin

2011-07-12T15:26:00.003+02:00

Terrible film, didn't bother with the wine...

"Nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around."

2011-07-11T21:46:00.007+02:00

Strange how things can suddenly turn about, and by things I mean of course my ever changing mood. Earlier I actually felt kind of upbeat. I've got a weeks holiday ahead and the sun was shining, at least intermittently. Then an evening with a petulant teenager, followed by my Brother telling me he can't make the one social engagement I had planned this year (through no fault of his own, I must point out), and I feel ,well, deflated and pointless.
I know, I know, I'm pathetic, but this is kind of low level cathartic outpouring blog remember?

I'm in a right huff, make no mistake...

Ho hum, I'm off to open some wine, and watch a loud action movie, so I'll probably be back later for some mildly intoxicated fun! Wahey!

"That’s the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn’t good enough for me! I demand euphoria!" - from "Calvin and Hobbes"

"You do not like them. So you say. Try them! Try them! and you may!"

2011-07-10T01:40:00.000+02:00

"We have to go back..."

2011-07-08T01:36:00.005+02:00

No, that last post didn't need any pictures or quotes, did it? The most honest post I've made in quite a while, and all done completely sober, unlike this one...

Big, big sigh...

"I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff." - Mitch Hedberg

Regrets, I've had a few...

2011-07-07T17:40:00.003+02:00

Here's something new, a post from my phone.
Anyway,
I'm feeling esecially foolish at the moment.
I moan and I winge about nothing in particular, feeling so very very sorry for myself. But some people actually have real problems.

Entirely by accident (honestly) I stumbled across Barbara's twitter account. It seems her Mam is very unwell, and has been for quite some time.
Let me explain a little, I never, ever ever go googling Barbara (heaven knows I've wanted to) , partly down to an "ignorance is bliss" (by which I practically live my life) policy, (see also ostrich syndrome) plus a bit of respecting her privacy (for if she wanted me to know these things, I'd know them for sure). But quite by chance I came across her in a twitter list of "following".
Whenever (admittedly now all too rarely) I stumble across her (usually at last.fm) I experience a sensation that is a strange mixture of excitement, dizziness, apprehension, and a little dread (see earlier policy!) , it's recent enough for me to recall quite clearly, it's the most alive I've felt in a while, to be sure.
I know it's unlikely, but if you, that is Barbara Hultberg, ever read this, I wish you and your Mam , and your family all the positivity I'm capable of. I know she's in safe and loving hands.

(Spelling and all that other stuff when I get back to my computer)

And...

2011-07-01T19:41:00.025+02:00

Happy Canada Day !

"Don't worry, I've never heard of me either." - Jim Gaffigan

2011-07-01T18:50:00.001+02:00

A lovely day, warm sunshine, the day after payday, yet I feel utterly miserable. I went for a walk around the town centre this afternoon, killing time until I picked Billie up from school (and dropped her at home literally five minutes later, take what you can get eh?).

I bought some most excellent second hand CD's, my ipods shuffle function was making some wonderful musical choices, but looking around at all the happy faces, I suddenly felt completely and utterly alone.

Everyone was going somewhere, to do something, and most alarmingly, with someone.

Boy, do I feel lonely.

It used to be that the role of "parent" filled that void, but now, with a 15 year old daughter, that role is almost honorary (I imagine a slight return of demand in a few years - here's hoping). I really have no (honestly) social contact outside of working hours. Most of the time that's okay, but now and again, well I've explained above what I feel.

What a misery guts!

TV highlights of the week, the slightly baffling return of "True Blood", and a marvellous surprise in Johnny Depps' "Rango", and finally, the "hope it doesn't get cancelled, just as I'm getting into it" show of the moment, "Falling Skies".

Note to self - buy less CD's!

"Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers." - Jim Gaffigan

“The lazier a man is, the more he plans to do tomorrow.” - Norwegian proverb

2011-06-24T12:00:00.001+02:00

Today is not a good day. Mentally I feel a lot like the recent weather - grey, muggy, with lots of rain, physically I feel like a deflated balloon, refilled with porridge.
Over the past few weeks, I've felt this creeping up on me, but chose to (optimistically?) ignore it. However I've had my days off back to back, which is effectively a week away from work. This means the usual distractions of routine, having to get up early, and actually interacting with human beings haven't been there. Odd to say, but although I really look forward to time off, when it arrives it acts as a lens, bringing all my lacking and hang ups into glorious focus...

Have to leave for work now...

“Experience is the best teacher, but the tuition is high.”

“It's not what they say about you, it's what they whisper” - Errol Flynn

2011-06-20T22:42:00.004+02:00

I listen to a lot of ipod music,

In fact my new car radio was bought specifically with ipod control in mind.

(since I'm also completely obsessed with scrobbling!)

What's the point of this ramble, you are probably wondering, and that's a very fair question. Well by way of explanation, there are a few certain songs that whenever (and indeed wherever) they pop up on shuffle, knock me for an emotional six.

This just happened to me driving home. The song in question was "From a late night train" by The Blue Nile. Now don't get me wrong, I love it, I really do, but a more moving lament to regret there is yet to be written, sometimes it feels good to feel so bad. For all sorts of reasons that I'd be ashamed to go into, The Blue Nile almost always (read always) reminds me of Barbara (sorry to keep going on and on - no! actually I'm not sorry). Lump in throat.

In other equally jovial news, I've just upset my Brother, Frank. At least I think I did , he's almost totally inscrutable. I wish we were better friends, I really really do. In fact that was the motivation behind the insult. I suggested he was only being friendly to me for financial reasons, what a stupid stupid thing to say. Sad face.

(blimey the visuals make it even MORE miserable!)

From a late night train
Reflected in the water
When all the rainy pavement
Lead to you
It's over now
I know it's over
But I can't let go

The cigarettes, the magazines
All stacked up in the rain
There doesn't seem to be a funny side
It's over now
I know it's over
But I can't let go

From a late night train
The little towns go rolling by
And people in the station
Going home
It's over now
I know it's over
But I love you so

(I haven't even had a drink!)

“My problem lies with reconciling my gross habits with my net income” - Errol Flynn

"Recent polls reveal that some people have never been polled. Until recently" - George Carlin

2011-06-17T12:40:00.008+02:00

It's rather sad that, at least for the near future, 'Vancouver' will be associated with the rioting following The Stanley Cup match. I have nothing but fabulous memories of the place, and people. Plus, for a sport avoider, I even (really) enjoyed the hockey match at the very stadium in question (how topical). If I were at home now I would add an appropriate photo, but I'm not, so I won't.

"A day off is always more welcome when it is unexpected "

"The sun is shining... But the ice is slippery."

2011-06-12T21:52:00.004+02:00

Well, as I suspected , deep, deep down, nothing came of that complaint (yet!). It didn't stop it being a genuine worry for a few days however, and remember I wasn't to blame, I was just in the right place at the wrong time, if you will.

You remember that scene in the Rod Taylor version of 'The Time Machine' , the one where the days start flying by, the sun becoming just a blur in the sky? Well the past few weeks have been a little like that (not very much, to be honest, although I have spent most of that time in a quilted smoking jacket) in that somehow I've arrived here, in the present and I almost can't remember the journey. I suppose that's just a convoluted way of saying I'm bored. I really need something to break the monotony (sadly though, mostly I enjoy it), but we've been here several times before, haven't we?

There's a few things I'd really really like to get off my chest, but let's face it, this is such a public arena, that I can never really be completely open here, I can only give a flavour.
Also, it's not a real dialogue is it? more a mild catharsis (at best) or childish bleatings (at worst).
Remember about 90% of all my 'posts' arrive after a stressful shift at work (or preceding a perceived one) or following an oh so tasty alcoholic beverage.

I can't remember the point I was trying to make.

Big sigh...

"The weed of crime bears bitter fruit. Crime does not pay! The Shadow knows,"

“To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.” - Mark Twain

2011-06-08T21:59:00.008+02:00

Did I mention how upset and stressed I was yesterday? Did I adequately convey how bad a day (all 14 hours) I had yesterday?

Oh! you think I did... fair enough...

"Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!" - Hoban Washburne

2011-06-08T00:31:00.009+02:00

I'm mighty riled. You may know that I'm not usually an angry person, but for tonight at least, I am, well a little bit.
Maybe angry isn't quite the word, maybe riled is exactly what I am, frustrated and stressed.

I can't go into details because of confidentiality, but being in the wrong place at the wrong time, has got me in a bit of trouble at work. I haven't done anything wrong, at least in the cosmic sense, but I've sort of become the symbolic head of a troublesome cohort, at least in the eyes of one particular relative. It all sounds much more exciting than it is, sadly I really can't go into more detail.

I'm a bit frazzled. Due to a freak alignment of the planets (or something) all three 'Sisters' on my ward have been off, leaving me in charge since last Friday, complete with two 13 shifts thrown into the mix. this wouldn't be a problem if I weren't lacking in at two major areas. First the ability to do it, second the desire too. That about covers it.

In more upbeat news, I bought a new phone, and you know how much I love a gadget. I must get about one call a week, and I usually miss it too, but as a gadget it's fab (it's a Dell Streak android phone, well more of a tablet really, but it really is quite unique).

I had a strange few days off. the weather was really quite lovely, but all (ie both) my social contacts were busy , so I literally had nowhere to go , and less than nothing to do if I ever didn't get there. I've been feeling a bit of the old melancholy, and negative edge creeping back into my thoughts a little more every day. I've been doing whatever I can to keep it at bay, but days like today are making those little victories, well even littler.

I watched the whole of 'The Middleman' , all 12 episodes, last week. I love this show, but was surprised to find out only the pilot was shot in Vancouver (hey just like 'House'). So apologies for my implication last post.
Speaking of 'House', and I was, That season finale may finally have jumped the shark. No spoilers but what the hell? I've been getting a little antsy watching the last few episodes, I think it was wise to make the next season the last...

You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with 'til you understand who's in ruttin' command here! - Jayne Cobb

“All right, then, I'll go to hell.” - Mark Twain

2011-05-29T00:42:00.007+02:00

I had something to say, but when I checked the facts, it turned out I was completely wrong. But since I'd started typing (obviously not this sentence) I carried on anyway. I wish I had something to say, some wry comment to make, because in all honesty, I enjoy 'blogging' (yuk) but, as I'm sure you are aware, I just don't have that much going on, in any sense.

I was stuck behind a decorators van today (I was in my car, it wasn't some kind of reversing accident). It proclaimed "interior and exterior specialists". Am I the only one who thinks this is a ludicrous proclamation? Is there some barely measurable plane of existence between the two that he won't touch with a bargepole (or indeed a paintbrush?).

My root canal was, well, painless, in both senses of the word (physically and financially). An hours drilling and my only worry was trying to avoid looking at my horrendous reflection, which I could see from one hard to avoid angle (reflected in the light fitting) , and then a bill of only £47, whic for three appointments, umpteen x-rays and other esoteric Dentisty stuff can't be bad can it?

I'm still set on that Autumn holiday, let's see how this plays out eh?

I finally got Middleman on DVD. After Firefly this was the show that needed a second season most. Plus check out all of those lovely Vancouver back alleys !

“He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it.” - Douglas Adams

“If you had teeth of steel, you could eat iron coconuts” - Singhalese Proverb

2011-05-27T01:26:00.005+02:00

Me again. Nothing to report, just wanted to reaffirm (us) that I'm still here.

Feeling a little sorry for myself tonight, sure it will pass, eventually.

The days come and go, and essentially nothing changes. surprisingly this isn't bothering me much at the moment, but given time I'm sure it will.

Poor Billie had one of her teeth accidentally knocked out at a party last weekend. I felt so helpless listening to her tale the next day. Sadly the Dentist can't / won't repair it for a whole year! Wish I could help in some way.

And speaking of Dentists, and I was, , later today I return for part two of my root canal, a whole hour of drilling - what joy!

My friendly credit card is, I've decided, going to send me on another trip later this year. Of course there's only one place, or rather continent, I want to go to. All of my Holidays have taken me to North America, let's see what October brings, eh? (please let this idle threat/promise amount to something, please. - remember kids, this is simply rhetoric, and not some prayer to the Universe, I don't believe in that kind of thing.)

Checking my phone bill earlier, I realise that I haven't used my broadband phone for months and months. I could save money, but some nostalgic part of the old duffer remembers all those wonderful (and then not so wonderful) calls to Canada it facilitated. Scrapping it would be sensible, but when did that bother me?

Maybe my favourite Steely Dan song...

“The object in life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.” - Marcus Aurelius

“Curious people are interesting people, I wonder why that is?” - Bill Maher

2011-05-16T23:03:00.002+02:00

And suddenly he was better (well almost).

Saturday night 9pm, tired but okay. Saturday night 10pm, almost comatose, praying for a quick death.

It was as quick as that. (not my death, silly, the onset).

I suspect it was some very mild form of septicaemia relating to the ongoing jaw/ tooth problems (having a root canal on Friday, sounds pricey!), let's just say a lot of pus vanished, and I'm pretty sure I didn't swallow it.

So all day yesterday and most of today, I was burning up, dripping in cold sweat, my limbs like lead, and even my aches had pains. I couldn't even sit up, so I spent most of past two days listening to last.fm in bed, and dreaming strange dreams (maybe more on that later, maybe not).

This evening, almost as quickly as it started, it's almost gone. I just feel like I've a bit of a cold but without the runny nose or sneezing. The worst part is I had to ring in sick yesterday! damn it!

I never did get back with my opinions on "Thor" did I? Well first let me say I wish I hadn't chose the 3d version, but the film itself was fun. Not bombastic, as it so easily could have been, but not lightweight and throwaway either. I'm still not sure why the Asgardians would all have English, rather than Scandinavian accents, but at least they weren't speaking in the mock Shakespearean I remember from the comics (as a kid, it was only ever 2000ad after that). Much, much better than Iron Man 2, need I say more?

Don't think it's the weather that cheered me up recently. I've always been sure that I have SAD to some degree, but last year, while I was off sick, and at my worst, it was for the summer months. Go figure. Anyway that brief period of euphoria (which I suddenly realise I didn't mention before now) is receding somewhat, almost as if I can see the storm clouds at the horizon. Let's see where that goes eh?

I try not to let loneliness get me down, but being helpless. if only for 48 hours or so, really drove it home. Still you can't have everything, where would you put it ? (thanks Stephen Wright).

(great album!)

“It's spring fever.... You don't quite know what it is you DO want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!” - Mark Twain

In other News...

2011-05-15T01:53:00.003+02:00

Billy is unwell...

“I'm not sure this conversation can go any further.” - Richard Dawkins

2011-05-08T01:17:00.005+02:00

Well I've been back at work a week already. The first day wasn't so bad, but then the second, pow! it hit me, the dreaded post holiday blues. I suddenly started to get nostalgic for things that only happened a week or so ago, well that's just predictable ol' me. I suddenly realised that my next holiday (especially with Billie) was either a very long way off or never.

I felt wretched, I still do.

It really bothers me that I don't have a single photo of us together from the trip. something I could stick in a frame and get all teary eyed about, well there you go life is full of regrets, chuck another one on the pile...

I had quite a bit more to say, but I've put myself in rather a bad mood...

“I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.” - Jerry Seinfeld

“Never write about a place until you're away from it, because that gives you perspective” - Ernest Hemingway

2011-05-03T02:03:00.008+02:00

The post holiday blues didn't hit me at all, not really (back in 2007 it took me about two months to feel anything like normal again).

What did get to me was the sheer dullness of everything (here). You get used to the new routine of holiday after just a couple of days, the novelty, the excitement, it soon becomes your norm, it seems like it will never end.

Then, whoomph! and it's back to the creeping grey mundanity of what I laughingly call my life. I'd almost forgotten exactly how mundane things could get for me, and it's now so lonely to boot. It was nice being with Billie for two weeks and having a kind of companionship, but you know what I really miss? Talking with a grown up. A cynical, sarcastic, funny, witty , and clever grown up. (here he goes again.. yes, more wine has been consumed.)

I went a bit crazy on Amazon Marketplace last night. I didn't really buy (for myself) much on holiday, so in overcompensation I bought a few CDs (a few, more like 12?) .

I checked my holiday photos, and yes, not one of me (I know Billie didn't take any either), so no proof I was ever there.

I'm off to see 'Thor' tomorrow lunchtime, in 3d too!

Work is still a day or two off, but I'm not dreading it, much...

“If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it” - Ernest Hemingway

“There's only one me, and I'm stuck with him.” - Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

2011-04-30T02:00:00.002+02:00

I've just realised it's my Birthday - yay me! Things have crashed back to normal. Aside from the pile of unsorted clothes and general holiday detritus, everything is sadly as it was, and probably always will be. Next time a holiday photo, it's after 1am, probably best to get to sleep...

“How nice -- to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive.”

"Remember no matter where you go, there you are" - Buckaroo Banzai

2011-04-28T21:33:00.008+02:00

(nearly two weeks ago)

Well here I am in North America. It's not the bit I'd most like to be in, but there you go - At least I'm (almost) in the same timezone.

The trip here seemed epic and endless. About 22 hours from leaving home, to arriving at the hotel. My luggage failed to arrive at Charlotte (North Carolina). Subsequently for the rest of the trip, and the first full day of the holiday, well let's just say I was even more curmudgeonly than usual. My bag arrived eventually, around 24 hours after we checked in. Clean underwear at last.

The first night I had just wanted to go home (but obviously didn't tell Billie), I felt very very negative, but the arrival of my medication and socks the next day helped quite a bit

The crowds are only rivalled by the heat in annoyances (it is Easter after all). The hotel is pretty nice, even though the wi-fi is a bit puny and I have to pretty much type this in the bathroom to get even a low signal. (just when did good wi-fi became key to a good holiday?).

My biggest worry however is Billie. Her main concerns are her blackberry, her ipod, the car radio, the pool, food, thrill rides, and then maybe, just maybe, me?

It's a bit like being alone sometimes, but I've quizzed her and she assures me holidays with her Mother were exactly the same. So I'm trying to be cool and give her as much space as she wants.She is a teenager after all.

Meanwhile we are only managing half days at the parks, before the heat and crowds are forcing us back to the hotel (me for a snooze, she to the pool). What has amazed me is how little has changed in the 10 years (blimey) since I was last here. I've generally a good sense of direction and apart from the initial drive from the airport (22 hours travelling, pitch black, and annoyed) I've had no problems finding anything and I've been enjoying the driving.

(nearly two weeks pass...)

I almost gave up with this post due to the poor wi-fi, and being constantly knackered. Here we are at the Airport,and as there is free wi-fi , and our flight is somewhat delayed, here's part two. As I sit here I'm amazed at the amount of technology around me. Almost everyone is attached to an electronic device of some sort. I've this netbook and my ipod, Billie is about a hundred feet away charging her ipod touch, and using he Blackberry. The last time I was here the most technologically advanced object I had was probably a paperback. I've never seen so many iPhones as during the past fortnight. If I were a visiting alien, it would have been an easy assumption that they were the standard Human communication method .

I was initially troubled by blisters, when they began to heal I re-activated an old work injury, whilst putting on my socks of all things. Consequently my limp continued. Just as that improved a little I got terrible (is there any other kind ?) toothache. Eventually my mouth could barely open and the left side of my face swelled to chipmunk like proportions. For a few days I had to eat only flat food, and very carefully! It's starting to subside a little , but at least it's stopped me from being too gluttonous, which is extremely easy here due to large portions and low prices. Then in true movie victim style I actually twisted my ankle, ensuring that I would have a limp in my right leg for almost the entire holiday.

Billie continued to be less than interested in anything Dad related (and it's my Birthday on Saturday too!) but I think this is just normal for a 14 year old, otherwise she wouldn't have even come I surmise. We've had a little friction but nothing like a deal breaker. I'm rambling.

(I know it's ancient history, but I've found myself almost constantly thinking of Barbara, which I've found to be both a comfort and a torment - no one to blame but yourself! maybe it's the foreign soil and the anniversary of last seeing her coming up. who knows? - who cares?)

If I think of anything else even vaguely interesting, I'll put it in another post. We didn't take many photos, and I don't think there's a single one of me, but heck I may even post one next time! Excited? Can hardly wait? I'm not really surprised...

(ps title picture is a fence at the Canada Pavilion in Epcot. Even long long ago the 'circle o vision' movie used to bring a lump to my throat, and a stirring in the heart. Strangely I couldn't bring myself to go in ...)

“Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?” - Groucho Marx

2011-04-09T00:38:00.000+02:00

Past couple of days were horrible, a bit of a physical and mental crisis - no really!

Anyway, today was a mite better, I felt a little more upbeat, and the suddenly summery weather certainly helped.

I went to collect my new glasses, although they looked nice, a problem with the lenses means I'll have to return them, and they certainly won't be ready in time to go to Florida next week. Yet another early shift tomorrow, time for bed...

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go” - Oscar Wilde

2011-04-07T00:14:00.000+02:00

Just popped by to say how truly horrible I feel.

No I haven't committed a terrible crime, I'm just a bit ill, and don't have the usual sounding board of a pathetic middle aged man, but I have you don't I?

Somehow I made it through a very dizzy and nauseous day, with a very flat outlook on things. I have to pull myself together before our holiday, for Billies sake as much as mine. I'm sure once I get caught up in the whole experience I'll be alright. Won't I?

“The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it”

2011-04-06T12:06:00.000+02:00

Not a blues song, but I woke up this morning feeling awful. When I say woke up, I actually mean emerged, as it was a very poor nights sleep/duvet wrestling match (plus I was worried by the strange, about to collapse, noises my house was making, was it windy last night?).

I've come to the fairly obvious conclusion that I stopped my medication just a wee bit too soon (you think?). The dizziness and nausea this morning were just too much, and more worryingly I've been a bit 'down' too (oh really?). Billie pointed out to me that I was grumpy , and I'd like to add irritable, unfocused and increasingly negative (being on nightshift only made my isolation and strange sleep patterns worse), just what you want before a long awaited holiday. So today its back on the tablets I go , for how long? I don't know, let's see what my GP says.

Speaking of health type stuff, I had my eyes tested on Monday and was very disappointed to find I now need varifocals. Apart from the horrendous cost, there's the possibility the glasses won't be ready before we go next week. Plus this means I am now officially old! (I've been unofficially old for about 10 years).

Well I'm off to work now, feeling slightly less than healthy...

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.” - Mark Twain

“The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.”

2011-04-04T01:14:00.002+02:00

Our holiday is so close now that I've allowed myself to start looking forward to it, at least a bit. I've been convinced that something dreadful would happen since I booked. As nothing (apart from a newly scheduled 5 hour layover in Charlotte) has yet occurred, I've relaxed a bit.

Of course I'm incredibly badly organised (I think) and being on nights has limited my options for last minute shopping and such, but the destination easily reached is rarely appreciated (I made that up myself).

I had a drastic pre-holiday haircut, which for once I didn't immediately regret. I don't like it much, to be sure, but that's better than my usual total revulsion (and bonus - if I can find a hat big enough for my enormous noggin, my hairs short enough not to look completely ridiculous - I recently saw 'The Adjustment Bureau" I want a hat just like that!).

...Days later - night shift - finished , thank whatever you believe in!

Boy, am I tired. I'm too old for this kind of thing.

I may have stopped that medication a little too quickly, feeling very very dizzy at times, and I've no idea how I feel emotionally...

I recently discovered 'Chuck'. I'd previously got it mentally mixed with 'Psych' , which is made in White Rock, so I couldn't bring myself to watch it (I know, I'm silly). But it isn't and now I'm already onto season 4, hope it makes it to a fifth...

...love Jonathan Richman, but for some reason his CDs are damn expensive!

“A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.” - Oscar Wilde

“If you think you have it tough, read history books.” - Bill Maher

2011-03-23T17:59:00.000+01:00

Dreadful nightmares again (are there really any other kind?), so in lieu of anyone to talk to here I am again. Speaking of pseudo human contact, my Internet connection has had a few 'problems' recently, and it's amazing how 'lost' one feels when it's not there. It's not as if I'm doing anything but browsing, but when it's gone, it's like withdrawal

What on earth did I do with my time before 1995?

Speaking of withdrawal, I'm completely off my anti-depressants now, the side effects have almost gone. I'll let you know how the mood fares...

Watched this last week, absolutely hilarious, while making serious points too...

“If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.”

2011-03-23T03:30:00.001+01:00

I bought a huge suitcase today. really, this thing is so big, I could probably spend the night in it, if it ever became necessary. It was very reasonably priced of course (cheapskate or just a broke bargain hunter?). Only three weeks until Billie and I head of to Florida. The negative part of me realises this is almost certainly the last holiday for both of us, if you see what I mean (after all she has another 3, count 'em, foreign trips, this year alone).

Speaking of holidays, and I was, back to work on Thursday night, for two weeks of night-shift. As I've stated many many times, I detest night-shift. It's not just my night blindness, it's the isolation and the bizarre routine. Hey it's only two weeks, that's only seven shifts! (said through gritted teeth).

My beloved projector returned from it's fifth repair yesterday, as - another projector! Yes they decided enough was enough and gave me a replacement - great! So I spent the evening watching lots and lots of episodes of 'Chuck'.

My favourite Joni Mitchell song, but I've already had her version, I think.

“I was born when you kissed me. I died when you left me. I lived a few weeks while you loved me.” - Humphrey Bogart

"I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there."

2011-03-16T21:58:00.000+01:00

“Most people with low self-esteem have earned it” - George Carlin

2011-03-13T12:59:00.001+01:00

It must feel good to have a passion. A passion for something, anything, good or bad, right or wrong, that drive must give a purpose, a purpose I envy. My overarching problem is, of course, apathy. Apathy for myself, the world around me, and the situation, or lack of it I find myself in. The only thing I actually care about is my Daughter, and this whole 'teenage' thing has me sidelined for a few years.

Really, how dare I be bored whilst on holiday? I can instantly think of a dozen things. useful and trite, I could be doing, but plainly am not (how's my grammar?).

Anyway, I'm half way through a fortnight off, and the self pitying thumb twiddling is in full effect. Sadly due to our impending holiday, I can't even rely on retail therapy, or 'buying stuff' as I prefer to call it, for a bit of a lift.

Maybe I picked the wrong week to stop my medication?

Should have ended on a joke...

The new unthanks album is reassuringly bleak, upon first listen at least (no youtube videos yet)...

"I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, "What's wrong?" Nothing. "Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile." Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?" - Bill Hicks

“I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations.”

2011-03-07T12:16:00.001+01:00

Billie was very, very upset yesterday. She found out, in an almost sit-com style set up, that her Mother has been seeing - A Man!

She reacted, by packing a bag and demanding to stay with me. I disagreed, and persuaded her to stay at 'home', and sort it out.

Of course that is the briefest of synopsis, and I spent the whole evening trying to resolve the matter.

The two strangest things outcomes - I was invited into my ex-wife's home for the first time ever (they've lived there 7 years now), to 'talk' , and secondly, and I admit rather selfishly, I realised that I was a little upset too. Don't misunderstand, I have no lingering feelings for her, but like the big child I am, my concerns were how this new 'guy' would affect my relationship with Billie (i.e. does he have money?) - go figure.

Today, the next day, It's not such a worry, and Billie, via text, is feeling a little better.
"The Child is Father of the man" eh?

By the way, I'm on Holiday, and I'm so very bored...

“Mom and Dad can make the rules,
And certain things forbid,
But I can make them wish that they,

had never had a kid.” - Bill Watterson

"Serenity now, insanity later"

2011-02-20T02:11:00.000+01:00

Remember me?

Now assuming you are not a figment of my imagination, and you may well be, you must be wondering why the long long gap between posts? Or maybe you aren't.

Truthfully , it was simply a combination or my ongoing 'bad mood' and boredom, boredom with having nothing to do, and less to say about it. Really, how many posts can I produce bemoaning my perceived woes? (one more it seems!).

Tonight just seems, well lonelier than usual and a glass of wine and a blog post used to cheer me up a bit, no wine tonight, but a post nevertheless.

It's almost Sunday, and may well already be if I type slowly. I've a long stretch at work in front and behind me, and well,this is when I feel loneliest.

The past six weeks, have been completely unremarkable (apparently I can remark on this though). The highlight, rather sadly, has been my purchase of a new mattress (my first in about 15 years!). This is very fortuitous as I've spent a lot of the time sleeping. Part of this has been a crippling tiredness and lethargy, part just to avoid the monotony of being conscious.

Sadly, I've seen hardly anything of Billie, this is due to her being 14. Apart from visiting my Mam, social contact has been well, nil. As you might imagine the isolation has left me feeling very very sorry for myself, and just a little bit crazy.

I had some terrible terrible nightmares last night. I'd tell you all about them (no I wouldn't) , but other people describing their dreams is one of the most painfully boring things to read. However I can't shake of the pervading mood of the dreams, it's coloured the whole day, and made me even more spiky than usual.

I'll post a bit sooner than six weeks I hope, until then, if there's anyone out there - be seeing you...

"if you condensed my whole life into just one day, it looks decent." - George Costanza

2011-01-02T15:40:00.000+01:00

Happy New Year?

2010-12-25T00:25:00.009+01:00

I had absolutely NO idea that Barbara was actually in Hawaii when I posted that - really! I was simply referring to something she said, a long time ago...
(I only discovered via Billie's facebook snooping, - cross my heart and hope to die - honestly, honestly!)

“I've been things and seen places.” - Mae West

2010-12-21T13:51:00.002+01:00

Surely the most important thing happening anywhere in the world today, is Barbara's Birthday.

Happy Birthday!

I won't say exactly how old she is, but it's an extremely important one.

If you happen to ever read this Barbara, and I hope you do, then I'd like to imagine it's from the Hawaiian beach you so longed to revisit.

There really isn't anything else to say. My love goes out to you and your family, I so hope you are happy, and will always remain so.

"Dear Buddha: please bring me a pony, and a plastic rocket..."

2010-12-20T22:15:00.008+01:00

Remember when I used to bleat on and on about insomnia? Of course you don't.

Anyway in a complete turnabout, for the past couple of weeks I've hardly been able to stay awake. For instance, last Monday I didn't emerge from my pile of duvets until 1.30pm !!! Tuesday 12.30,what a lazy scumbag! If it were not for early shifts, I suspect I would rarely see daylight. I'm nodding of at random times during the day too.

Is it a new variant of depression? pure laziness? side effects of medication ? having nothing much to do when I get up? or simply the sub zero temperature in my bedroom?

It could be any combination of the above, or none at all, who knows? who cares?

In other news, It's the Ward Christmas Night Out tonight, humbug.

I'd secretly vowed not to go, after last years personal fiasco and my generally anti-social, anti-anything outlook, you can imagine that I might be less than keen.

Maybe I protested to much though, as my boss told me on Wednesday that he'd already arranged a lift for me.

So I might as well go, there's a Metro station right by the venue so I can sneak out if required. I'll finish this post when I get back, so there may well be some amusing drunken ramblings, or not.

(Three days later) well for the second year in a row I was home by 10pm.

This year I was simply miserable. As the night progressed, all I wanted to do was stay sober and escape. Work colleagues and strangers alike slowly getting drunk around me, for some reason only irked me. Then when the 'entertainment' came on dressed as Firefighters; I made my excuses and left. In fact I walked home too. In the current climate,It was quite bracing, not really dinner jacket weather.

The snow's back today...

“Talk to every woman as if you loved her, and to every man as if he bored you, and at the end of your first season you will have the reputation of possessing the most perfect social tact” - Oscar Wilde

“We build statues out of snow, and weep to see them melt” - Sir Walter Scott

2010-12-10T00:54:00.001+01:00

Finally the snow is starting to disappear.

But that's not important, it bloomin' winter after all.
I'm worrying now about the terrible British postal system! (plus all the usual stuff I fret over of course), if you see what I mean.

By the way my Dad still hasn't said a single word to me (about anything) . By all accounts he's very ashamed of how he behaved, and apparently told my Sister so. The saddest part is he could never and will never tell me. such is life...

“Letter writing is the only device for combining solitude with good company” - Lord Byron

“The father who does not teach his son his duties is equally guilty with the son who neglects them.” - Conficius

2010-12-04T01:22:00.001+01:00

Somehow, in yesterdays post, I forgot to mention my huge argument with my Dad.

Maybe not huge by your family standards, but well, let's just say it involved my first shouting in at least 7 years (if you see what I mean), I do not , normally, have a bad temper.

It started with him offering my two year old Nephew a screwdriver (!) to play with. When I pointed out that this may not be such a good idea, he began on a rant about what a bad parent I was. Some his logic was that since he had four children and I only one, he was practically Dr. Spock (go google him). Furthermore he told me that he "couldn't stand me" (verbatim quote) and I'm a 'know it all'.

I can be insulted about pretty much anything, without it flustering me, but the suggestion I am a bad parent (not his exact words by the way) got me quite riled. So I revealed a few home truths about how his family merely tolerate him, and that I'm the only one who can be bothered to make it an issue.

Sadly he declined a reasoned debate on the subject, and simply kept repeating a couple of his stock phrases, before he went and hid, ostrich style (though not with his head in the sand, just in the kitchen). I could provide a detailed analysis of his behaviour, but I want only to describe how upset I was, not his shortcomings.

Today he could not even make eye contact with me. I was there for three hours, and he did not say a word to me (this is not unusual in itself, but I sensed an active avoidance today).

Well time for this big baby to go to bed, I have to work later today...

“What was silent in the father speaks in the son, and often I found in the son the unveiled secret of the father.” - Fredrich Nietzsche

“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.” - Bill Wattersonor“The English winter - ending in July, / To recommence in August.” - Lord Byron

2010-12-03T01:02:00.000+01:00

Well the last week has been dominated by snow, on both a personal and national level. It's snowed every day since my last post, and although never quite a blizzard, the cumulative amount lying about is very impressive/depressing.

The media is full of the usual doom and gloom about how poorly prepared as a nation we are (and we are). On a smaller scale I've spent a lot of time digging out my little car, and on more than occasion, digging it back in again (to my little yard, if you see).

Billie helped with the shoveling last night which she unexpectedly enjoyed very much, go figure (the ice in the back lane, was a sheet about three inches thick) .

I had my first shift in charge for many a month, after my 'phased' return (which in itself sounds far more exciting than it actually was). To be honest it went quickly and without hardly a worry.

I'll have to decide in the next day or two if I'm going to send that Birthday card I mentioned a few weeks ago. I've lain in bed on several occasions recently, mentally composing messages to go therein, but they all sounded inappropriate, hollow, or frankly just pathetic.
International post waits for no man...

"What state do you live in?"
"Denial." - Calvin and Hobbes

“It is completely unimportant. That is why it is so interesting!” - Agatha Christie

2010-11-27T02:33:00.000+01:00

Wednesday was a 'lost' day (but not in mystical castaway sense, although they did both had a disappointing ending). I got up late, but more through boredom and lack of central heating, than tiredness. Since I almost literally had nothing to do, I just stayed in my dressing gown and moped (that's the verb, not the underpowered mode of transport). I really cannot say how the day was spent (not through a desire for secrecy though). Somehow, I managed to miss the fact that the earliest snow for years had been falling, and falling, and falling.

Looking out into my little yard, my littler car is hidden by a cosy looking blanket of perfect white snow. There is something magical in the way new snow can transform the mundane and familiar (maybe I should get ME some?).

Sadly it all too soon turns to slush and soaks your socks (there's a metaphor for life in there somewhere).

In another startlingly cliched revelation, I simply cannot believe how quickly such a dull and miserable year has gone by. My roller coaster has simply cranked to the top, and I'm hurtling to the all too soon conclusion. Sadly, you can't simply queue up and go around again.

One passenger, one ride.

(a couple of days later)

I somehow forgot to publish that/this post, so here's a tiny bit more. It's after midnight, but outside it looks almost like twilight. The sky is so light from the snow clouds and the ground so white, the light out there really is quite eerie!
I got a text around midday (in itself a rare event). It was from Billie, asking me to acquire a sledge for her (I wasn't expecting to see her today). I acquired a sledge, and delivered it (and her) to her home after school. What a scamp!

Nothing continues to happen, my beloved projector is still away for repair, and I'm trying to avoid wine for a while (well at least 5 days! - 5 whole days), so not even my usual diversions to , er, 'divert' me.
I'm almost looking forward to going back to work next week (almost), I'm just so very very bored.
Tomorrow, more of the same, I imagine.

(oh, I almost forgot, keeping a great tradition alive, I had a terrible haircut yesterday- see numerous previous posts - it really wasn't what I asked for!)

"I've put something aside for a rainy day, it's an umbrella." - Tim Vine

“Where there's music there can be love” - French Proverb

2010-11-23T02:32:00.001+01:00

Well I'm on holiday, why doesn't that excite me more? It's around 2am on Tuesday morning.

I received a letter informing me I'd be on half pay from the next payday. I was a bit shocked, as I've been back at work for five weeks now. I spoke to 'someone' in human resources, who said he'd sort it out, but until I see that payslip, I have my doubts.

We've had some most excellent patients in the last week. Gentlemen in their late 70s and early 80s, who really define the term 'Gentlemen'. The type of fellow who wears a tie and jacket even when just popping to the shops. They often have a 'Ronald Coleman' moustache, impeccable manners and a loving family - here's hoping! A pleasure to look after.

Despite my proclaiming that I rarely feel lonely, well I often do. Especially these last couple of weeks, the anniversary of that most wonderful trip.

My projector is still away for repair, but that didn't stop me from enjoying last nights 'Dexter'. The most tense , and enjoyable show on TV at the moment.

End of line...

(I'm so excited about this film...)

"I've got an Elvis address book. Trouble is after I'd written Graceland in it I couldn't think of any others." - Tim Vine

“Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.” - Stephen Wright

2010-11-19T01:11:00.000+01:00

Remember when I used to post everyday? What on Earth was I babbling about? Oh! - fair enough.

Well, I've been back at work over a month now, and was supposed to have a fortnights holiday next week, but for some reason I didn't get it ( I was using it as some kind of mental health beacon, i.e,. I was quite looking forward to it). The reason, I surmise - there wasn't enough staff to cover, but it would have been nice to have been told that rather than just find out accidentally, I'm a big fan of good manners. (See - I must be getting back to normal ! complaining about stuff!)

There's something annoyingly niggling in the back of my mind, and it's informing everything I do, without me being consciously aware of what it is.
Maybe I'm just coming down with something.
I wonder if it's connected, but I have been experiencing rather a lot of 'deja vu' moments recently (in fact this tangent only appeared because of experiencing one amid the last paragraph). I believe (perhaps erroneously, go google it) these are due to miscommunication between the left and right sides of the brain, maybe I'm mentally and physically crazy now? (that was a joke, by the way).

“Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time.”

"Who would write, who had anything better to do?" - Lord Byron

2010-11-11T02:12:00.000+01:00

"And if a double-decker bus,
Crashes into us,
To die by your side,
Is such a heavenly way to die"

Just sense that waning interest.

As you probably guessed, I'm on my days off and that means wine, which often leads to a blog entry, so here we are.

First I had a strange comment on a posting from July, - " really appreciate YOU -- thanks a lot! ".

What on earth does that mean and who is it from ? It doesn't look like the usual spam. Can anyone enlighten me? (about anything at all!).

Last night I fell asleep on the living room floor, and woke up at 2.45 (of the a.m. variety). I fell asleep listening to the (fabulous and very moving) soundtrack to "Vertigo" (by Bernard Herrmann, of course) and consequently (I imagine) had some very strange and disturbing dreams. It was all I could do to (almost literally) drag myself up to bed.

Strangely, I hardly ever feel lonely anymore, and I know that lack of loneliness is in itself a worry, and maybe a symptom. I hope it's just a phase, or possibly a coping mechanism.

I pulled the door off my microwave the other day (wear and tear rather than anger, by the way) another unexpected expense, but rather funny in retrospect.

Being back at work is now becoming the norm, but it still seems a little strange and other worldly. In a couple of days I'll have been back a month, but it feels like seconds, but simultaneously, an eternity.

Life remains pointless, but at least I don't want to end it anytime soon (anymore!)

“Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. Then the worms eat you. Be grateful it happens in that order.” - David gerrold

“The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it” - Mark Twain

2010-11-05T01:16:00.000+01:00

“It takes a genius to whine appealingly.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald

2010-11-02T02:04:00.000+01:00

Blurg... I am once again, quite intoxicated. that usually means two things...

I've been back at work two weeks now, and my last shift was, well, almost tolerable. Let's see what happens.

In my drunken state I can admit that for whatever reason, Barbara is never far from my mind. Her birthday is coming up soon, should I send her some sort of card? Should I do anything at all? (even my Dad spontaneously said I should today, did he sense my brooding?)

I hope she's happy, I really do...

Probably best to remain silent...

In much more trivial matters, I must say I really enjoyed "The Walking Dead" premiere, and with this weeks "Dexter" the new season finally kicked into gear !!

I have to slumpingly fall asleep now...

one of my all time favourite songs...

“He who knows nothing is closer to the truth than he whose mind is filled with falsehoods and errors” - Thomas Jefferson

“Time and words can't be recalled, even if it was only yesterday” - Yiddish Proverb

2010-10-29T01:48:00.001+02:00

Very, very briefly, it's time for bed, Thursday, actually Friday (and work in a few hours!).

I just wanted to say something (er, nothing in particular, just something, anything at all).

Week two back at work and things are still difficult (although only for me), I just can't seem to interact with colleagues (although it is easy to have a facade with patients) and I feel constantly on the edge of panic.

Though apart from this minor trauma, very little else is happening.

Now the year is rushing towards Christmas, won't somebody please put on the brakes?

"I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with. Will you take two negative points?" - Woody Allen

"Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse" - Lily Tomlin

2010-10-24T02:21:00.000+02:00

Well hello again, it's been quite a while, hasn't it ?

Simply put, I neither had anything to say or the desire not to say it. Frankly I'm bored with myself, and my life, but don't worry (as if you were) I'm not seeking to end it any time soon.

Nothing has happened, except me returning to work, I suppose that counts as something?

Nothing had changed, but everything had changed. It wasn't an easy week, by any means, in all honesty it was quite a struggle for me. The work itself wasn't the problem, I was. Every second was a struggle for me, a struggle to seem normal and personable. Every fibre of me just wanted to leave, and never return. All I was living for was home time. For the life of me I can't explain why, at least not fully.

Everyone seemed genuinely pleased to see me, and to some degree me them, but I felt so detached from everything, I simply couldn't relax, as if constantly on the edge of panic. It will get better, I'm sure, but without a fundamental change in who and what I am, I'm worried that another crisis is simply a matter of when, rather than if ?

“In the real dark night of the soul it is always three o' clock in the morning, day after day.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald

"My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else" - Woody Allen

2010-10-22T01:32:00.001+02:00

“He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food” - Raymond Chandler

2010-10-11T23:58:00.006+02:00

Two, yes two, almost interesting things happened today!

I had what I believed to be my first counselling session today. Sadly after, it turned out to be more of a history taking session, to check I was fit to return to work, but it was with an occupational health consultant. It looks like any counselling will have to be funded / sourced by myself, I'm still waiting to hear from my GP counsellor (do they even exist beyond a sign on a door?). But I do feel a lot better, at least today. In all honesty that may be down to my second 'event' of the day, I actually booked that long threatened Holiday for Billie and Myself. Yes next April, We shall be off to Orlando. For me it's maybe the seventh or eighth time, but the first since 2001 (final 'family' holiday was to California in 2003!), but Billie has been several times since. I just wanted to go one more time while she still wanted to go (with me at least). One final blow out for me before she finally grows up (thanks MasterCard!).

p.s. I've just noticed that it was my 4th anniversary on last.fm, last week. It's a wonderful site, I'm still quite obsessed with it, not as much as I once was of course. Plus, most importantly it was the conduit that led me to Barbara, and no matter what transpired, that will always be one of the most precious times of my life.

“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”- Steve Martin

“I liked things better when I didn't understand them.” - Bill Watterson

2010-10-10T19:46:00.001+02:00

It's 9am on Sunday morning.

Last night I had rather a lot to drink, imagine that (I finally opened that bottle of Jim Beam Black Label, I'd been saving). Consequently there was a bit of a rambling, and frankly embarrassing post half written at 3am, in vino veritas eh?

I soberly read it this morning (pun intended) and decided it was not fit for general (i.e. mine) consumption, so you've got this rubbish instead.

Although this is a personal, and practically unread blog, I've never really let rip with honest emotions here. It's after all a very public forum, open to anyone with the whim to look. I usually just write enough to jog my memory at a later date, and it's quite amazing just how poor memory actually is. Often I can look back at a year old post and it can uncork forgotten detail and feelings.

Now I'm rambling in quite a different way - boringly (that's a word, isn't it?).

I forgot to mention that Billie and I went to the cinema earlier this week to see the 25th anniversary re-release of 'Back To The Future'. We've seen it a couple of times together, and both love it, but we couldn't resist it's rather limited return to the big screen. It was the first film I saw with my ex-Wife, way back in 1985, but there's no bitterness when I write that , just a simple fact. (by the way the film has been rather fabulously restored!)

We usually watch a film together at home, a couple of times a week, and I recommended 'United 93' to her. At the end we were both in tears (one of my very first blog posts, mentions me crying the first time I saw it). I actually 'enjoy' being upset/elated by a film, it reminds me I'm still a functioning adult (and I don't get many reminders these days).

I told my mum I'd bought a theatre, "Are you having me on?" she said "Well, " I said "I'll give you an audition but I can't make any promises." - Tim Vine

“You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar” - George Carlin

2010-10-09T02:55:00.001+02:00

What a dull, dull week. All of my weeks are dull, but this one takes the biscuit, it takes the whole packet, in fact. I've been doing a lot of thinking this week, well maybe contemplating is a better description, maybe. To the casual observer it would look like me lying on the floor whilst listening to a lot of music (including old, old vinyl), but I call it contemplating. The usual suspects I'm afraid, the past, the future, but mostly the past (read into that what you will, but you are almost certainly right).

I can't remember how long it is since I've had a conversation. Of course I talk to people, in shops, or brief words with my family, but to sit down with an adult and talk about things, any bloody thing is something I miss, miss a lot. How I miss those endless phone conversations of old (now I remember the last time I had a conversation!).

“Conversation has a kind of charm about it, an insuating and insidious something that elicits secrets from us just like love or liquor.” - Seneca

“I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations.” - Bill Watterson

2010-10-04T15:19:00.000+02:00

What a bouncing ball my mood is. Weekends seem to find me at my worst, and strangest of all, Monday morning seems the most optimistic part of the week - go figure.

My beloved projector is on the fritz, so I'll be staring at a blank 10ft screen for a while until it's repaired (thank goodness it came with a 3 year warranty - I never get extended warranties!). Time to catch up on my reading.

A lot of dreaming was done last night. All that sticks with me is something about Orlando, and somehow Barbara was involved.

Maybe that's why this particular Monday morning I was feeling almost 'upbeat'?

“Enemy fighters at two o'clock!
Roger. What should I do until then?”

“Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.” - Oscar Wilde

2010-10-03T20:45:00.001+02:00

“Beware of the door with too many keys” - Portuguese proverb

2010-10-01T15:25:00.001+02:00

I've nothing to say (though it now seems that I have), as usual, but this time I'm drawing a complete blank. I just wanted to post something, back 'in the day' I used to really enjoy posting. Sometimes they were actually funny, or opinionated. Recently posts have fallen into a self parody of bemoaning and tedious minutiae, with the occasional TV review (speaking of which, the new series of "House" has been a little [a lot] disappointing - that was both a fact and a self referential joke, see?).

As soon as my new credit card arrives I'm going to book a holiday, no really this time, for Billie and myself. We plan to go to Orlando (it'll be almost exactly 10 years to the day since I was there last). I reason that spending all my savings on one last proper holiday, is better than the rainy day I'm currently waiting for. It may never arrive, but if it does at least I'll have a credit card, eh? (I suddenly feel part of a much bigger community!)

{I finally read Cybill Shepherds Autobiography this week, and it was, (dial a cliche alert) unputdownable, I read it in maybe three sessions, which for me is remarkable (see, I just did). It's so honest and frank (er, that's the same thing isn't it?) and unstarry.}

“First our pleasures die - and then our hopes, and then our fears - and when these are dead, the debt is due dust claims dust - and we die too” - Percy Bysshe Shelley

“Everyone can walk on water if it is cold enough.” - Loesje

2010-09-25T20:11:00.002+02:00

"Love is not a victory march,
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah"

Well I've bitten the bullet, and turned on the central heating, breaking my 'not before October' rule!
Two reasons, it's bloody freezing, and I feel so down, that I actually need to feel physically comfy cozy (a hug would also work).
I called in at my Mams earlier, and actually had to have a blanket around me (she can't afford the central heating either - but it was only me feeling cold).
I only had a few hours sleep last night, so I feel like a chilly zombie (is it a cocktail?).

(plus - I keep running upstairs to see if the mysterious leak is getting better or worse!)

“The longer you wait for the future, the shorter it will be”

“Beware of little expenses; a small leak will sink a great ship.” - Benjamin Franklin

2010-09-25T15:28:00.000+02:00

Billie stayed over last night, although I didn't pick her up until 11pm (she was asleep by midnight, and gone by 9.30am this morning). At 2am she rang me (I was still up, obviously) to ask for a pair of bed socks (I ask you!). By the time I got up there she was asleep again, but in the dark I found myself standing in something wet! A small pool of water in the middle of her room was revealed - but mysteriously no knocked over glasses of water, no obvious leak from the ceiling, or leaking pipes, no obvious cause at all.

My only conclusion is that since the water was directly below the light fitting, maybe the water was trickling down, ninja style, from an external leak in the flat roof, it was very wet and windy last night.

Hopefully my brother, Frank, can clamber up there tomorrow and advise. Yet another leak in the roof? Worse yet something else for this nutcase to fret over...

That was my Friday night.

“A small key opens big doors.” - Turkish Proverb

2010-09-23T21:10:00.000+02:00

In a rare moment of lucidity, I noticed a key on my keyring, and realised I've no idea where or what it fits (yes this is the most interesting thing to happen to me today).