“There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.” - Oscar Wilde

"I'm not the kind of man
Who tends to socialize,
I seem to lean on
Old familiar ways,
And I ain't no fool for love songs
That whisper in my ears,
Still crazy after all these years
Oh, still crazy after all these years"

Time to report in, I suppose. How's my mental illness going? nice of you to ask!

I've made an effort to shave and iron a shirt everyday (more symbolic really, but I also don't want to be offered spare change out in the street!). I've also tried to get out and walk everyday. also I've cut back on the wine, at least a little, I don't want to head down that particular road.

I had a terrible foreboding a few days ago, that I would never see Billie again. I felt she would make it back from holiday intact, but that maybe I wouldn't be around to greet her. thankfully that particular fantasy has ebbed away (tut tut).

I went back to see my GP as requested (by him) and he did a little scoring test thingy, from which he divined I'm moderately to severely depressed, isn't science a wonderful thing? (I jest of course, I'm a big believer in science). He also started me on some medication. I tried antidepressants once, around six years ago, and they made me feel like a zombie. I felt detached from my surroundings, numb and clumsy. There were other symptoms too, but I won't describe the scatological details. As I type, I feel exactly the same, it seems I don't respond well to this type of medication. I haven't decided whether to continue with them, but I should give it a try. To be honest though all these new symptoms are just as worrying as the anxieties that got me here.

Sadly he said the waiting list for counselling now runs to MONTHS! I think that, above all, is what I need most. Just a listening ear, what most people call friends I believe.

I know this is all pretty pathetic, and just the mid-life crisis of an anonymous middle aged borderline loon, but you never know, I might re-read this sentence in a few years and laugh. No doubt I shall be piloting my futuristic jet-copter to my secret Pacific hide-away at the time.

Speaking of secret Pacific hide-aways (nice link eh?), 'Lost' finished it's six year journey this week (as did two of my other favourites, '24' and 'Ashes To Ashes'). If I were feeling a little more coherent (the drugs have me quite woozy, clumsy and a little hard of thinking) I'd give you a detailed review. Let's just say I had mixed emotions. I especially loved the Juliette/Sawyer reunion, but I felt a bit cheated that events on the 'real' island had almost taken a back seat to the 'sideways'/purgatory world. But the message of the show (and one I have espoused on many many occasions!) is that the journey is just as important as the destination. Frankly no one 'destination' would satisfy all viewers, there was bound to be some disappointment. Many questions were left unanswered, and rightly so in my opinion, the half imagined solutions in the mind are probably more satisfying than anything spelled out for us, to fit the facts. It was a very good ending, but not the great ending I'd hoped for (I think that's more down to sadness at it ending, a future viewing will, I imagine , bring a greater appreciation).
I'm rambling, after I said I wouldn't (er, why was Sayid re-united with Shannon rather than his true love, Nadia ? how come Libby was in the church, but not Anna-Lucia, or Mr Ecko? I could go on, but not now eh?). I'll miss it...
and goodbye Jack Bauer, for now at least...

“We are like butterflies who flutter for a day and think its forever.” - Carl Sagan

“I only go out to get me a fresh appetite for being alone.” - Byron

I've just said goodbye to Billie at the Airport (I'm still at home, she was on the phone silly) and find myself once again in tears. Really, on an average week I don't cry this much, but this isn't an average week I suppose. Maybe I'm crazier than I thought? Maybe I just love my Daughter?

I just wish there was someone to sit down with and have a chat over a cup of tea!
Even buying Cd's isn't helping me feel any better, it usually does. Here we go again...

“Letter writing is the only device for combining solitude with good company” - Lord Byron

“The insane, on occasion, are not without their charms” - Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

"What goes on in your heart?
What goes on in your mind?"


Yesterday I was in floods of tears - twice!

I dropped Billie off at her house for the last time before she goes to Florida. I of course cried my eyes out, what an embarrassing Father I must be!
Later I watched the final episode of 'The Pacific'. It hadn't affected me as much as it's predecessor (Band of Brothers) but as the final scene with the real fellas and the actors portraying them rolled by, I found myself welling up again!
It's going to be a lonely few days until I go back to work next week. But in fact I feel a little better. I really can't explain why, nothing much has changed, at least not for the better!
But I felt so desperate last week , nearly as low as I've ever felt, that any upside is easy to see.

I'm resolving to find some kind interest outside of this house, of course I've said this many times before...

Amusingly Billie rang me earlier and asked for a lift home (as she was feeling lazy, I imagine) she'd been with her friends saying goodbye, obviously I hadn't expected to see her today, but I imagine to keep my emotions in check, mostly!

“People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order so they'll have good voice boxes in case there's ever anything really meaningful to say.”

“"All alone! Whether you like it or not, alone is something you'll be quite a lot"”

Well, I'm sure you are a little curious about this long gap between posts? You aren't? Fair enough.But if you insist, I simply didn't feel like it.
Frankly, I simply didn't feel like anything, in all senses.

I had my birthday (and thank goodness Billie was here, otherwise I probably would have vanished in some kind of nostalgia feedback implosion) all I got was older.
Then it was Billies birthday, she's all of a sudden 14, which seems so much less of a child than 13 (duh!). My point being that pretty much the only useful role I served (i.e. Parent) has eroded even further.
Last week all my neuroses and anxieties finally got a bit too much for me and I gave in and went to see my GP (for the first time in six years !).
He offered me counselling and some time off work which I initially refused. The next day however, I decided to recant.

So here I am, Sunday afternoon, pouring down outside, 'on the sick'.
And what a week to 'pick'. My usual support system, namely my Mam, and Billie, are both going away (and to different destinations - coincidence fans) on holiday, So I shall pretty much have a week, alone, without even the distraction of work. But mental health, alas, doesn't consult a timetable.

However I'm quite looking forward to seeing a counsellor, is that wrong?
I mustn't just vegetate over the next week or so. I've plenty to do around the house, and all signs are the weather will be good. You just know how this is going to turn out don't you?

...And finally, Billie stayed over last night and my movie choice was 'Psycho' ! Ironic subconscious or simply a good movie? probably both (although to be honest, our previous film was 'The Birds' ,which she also enjoyed) .

(Emmylou Harris is my new musical obsession)

“I'm sorry to say so but, sadly it's true that bang-ups and hang-ups can happen to you” - Dr. Seuss