“There's nothing I'm afraid of like scared people” - Robert Frost

I found out at lunchtime today that my ward is to close in four weeks. That's all we've been told, we literally don't know anything else. 
I'm scared , I wish I had someone to talk to.

feel bad music... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

If you go away... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“The old believe everything; the middle aged suspect everything: the young know everything.” - Oscar Wilde

I've just finished an especially gruelling (at least for one of my age and slightly less than peak physical condition) stretch at work, 43 hours over four days! and never a moments rest. You simply can't take a break if the ward is busy, and there's no cover.

I sat down to watch TV last night and then comically awoke at 3am. Foolishly I'd left both heating and projector on, oh wasted wasted energy!

The previous night I'd been kept awake by a slow dripping seemingly coming from an internal wall. It sounds like a Korean horror movie plot , but I swear it was real! Next day no evidence anywhere of a leak! I may actually be crazy, but Mondays weather was atrocious, heavy heavy rain, and very strong winds.
Looks like I'll finally have to stump up for a new flat roof!

My lack of posting, is due to even less happening than usual. (just look at the above paragraphs!). Billie seems to have settled in to sixth form, and consequently I hardly see her at all, maybe once or twice a week. I don't really mind, but it's making me very lonely and increasingly isolated.

I worry so much about the future, not in a global sense, just the selfish personal level. I'm so detached from human contact,  don't even know if that's a 'thing'. Bored and penniless for the next 20 years, then if I'm still around for retirement, even more bored and more penniless until death. How cheerful!

A few days later...

I had what can only be described as a falling out with Billie. She says I'm too clingy as a parent (eg I worry if I don't get to say goodnight on the phone), and that we have nothing in common. She feels like she has to 'perform' when she stays with me (which explains why she hasn't stayed over for six weeks or so). 
I told her she's right, we don't have a lot in common (but isn't that supposed to be the case with parents and teenagers?) , but just spending time together in the same room makes me happy, she doesn't have to be always 'on'. I think our relationship is a bit better now, although I was extremely upset at the time. She forgot to ring me tonight (she rings me early if she's going out -  I ring her is she's not) and I'm not even going to mention it to her, I thought it was the right thing to do to show concern and love for our children. (next day update - she texted me at 11pm to say sorry for forgetting)
I suppose we just rebel to some degree against our own parents, and I didn't want to become an embittered old man, who never expresses affection or pride at his offspring, and can barely acknowledge there existence (that's my Dad by the way - duh!)

Today I went to see "Looper". I can't recommend it enough. It's far from perfect, and demands a second viewing to be sure. I went in expecting a time travel crime caper, and whilst to some degree it is that , it's a much more thoughtful, stylish, and intelligent beast than I'd imagined.

It's late evening now, and I'm doubled over with what can only be described as renal pain. The fact it is bilateral only points out how little I actually take in the way of fluids (other than wine, oh witty reader), I'm obviously very dehydrated. How stupid am I? Well as evidence I offer this , until 4pm today neither food nor fluid had passed my lips, or any other body part for that matter.
Physically I feel quite quite awful (and for once with actual reason), and added to my generally miserable outlook, your author is feeling supremely sorry for himself, wish him well...

“The soul is born old but grows young. That is the comedy of life. And the body is born young and grows old. That is life's tragedy.” - Oscar Wilde

“I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.” - Bill Hicks

Bitterest Pill... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“Rookie - you ready?"

A film review.

I went to see "Dredd 3D" a few hours after finishing my fourth night shift, it was actually the first showing on the first day of release, grud knows how I stayed awake...

Actually the reason I stayed awake was that it was zarjaz! Scrotnig! Drokkin amazing!
I read 2000ad from issue 1 until the early 2000s, so I'm quite the Dredd connoisseur. I remember looking forward immensely to the debacle that was "Judge Dredd" and then being so so incredible  disappointed with the Stallone non event.

This was the film I was looking forward to. Kudos to Karl Urban for taking a role that had so few lines, and hid most of his face. He nailed it, Urban is Dredd, at least until time travel is invented and a 40 something Clint Eastwood gets to play him, he was the inspiration after all. Dredd doesn't need depth, he has a singular purpose, he is the law.

The films low budget obviously dictated the rather claustrophobic story line (which is uncannily like "The Raid") but I think this rather helps. Low budgets often foster creativity.
 Most films featuring such an iconic character are bogged down with the need for an an origin , often half the film is over before they can start being the 'hero' we want. Here Dredd is Dredd from the start, a cloned fascist law machine.

I usually avoid 3d films, they're so dark (literally, not in tone) and I've got funny eyes, terrible night blindness don't you know. Here the 3d worked extremely well (for me) and the 'slo mo' macguffin enabled some beautiful scenes. 

Loved the lawmaster AI (but not so much the design), the lawgiver, the crooked Judges, the Judges costume (which actually looked practical and very intimidating) the spacing out of the city blocks (as compared to the comic book version), the little easter eggs (chopper?),  and the bleakness and unapologetic gore.

Here's hoping for sequels, the Dark Judges would be most welcome, but perhaps a little fantastical after the tone of the 'original' (but please no Walter the robot), or maybe the cursed earth?

By the way, the auditorium had about 20 people in it. It's been a long time since I've seen such an assemblage of freaks, misfits and nut jobs.
I wonder if they thought the same about me?

(by the way night shift still stinks)

“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere, and let the air out of the tires.” - Dorothy Parker

Here we go again.

You find me feeling rather low (so?) even by my own standards.
That horrible end of 'holiday' feeling, coupled with night shift tomorrow (which I am well documented to loathe), being a miserable sod, plus most worryingly, I had a bit of a falling out with my beloved daughter earlier.
Details aren't important, lets just say that while I've been off, she's only visited me once, and that was over two weeks ago.
An extra fly in the ointment was seeing the vast haul of stuff that my Niece had brought back from Florida for her Dad (ie my Brother) today. Simply put I was jealous, not of the swag, but the sentiment.
Billie is only 16 though, and we mostly get on, I just need a rational voice in my ear (other than my own) every now and then to remind me of these things.

I'm so incredibly lonely, especially tonight.

About an hour ago I found I had tears streaming down my face (where else would they go?). What was that about? I can suddenly and vividly recall how I felt when I was 'ill' two years ago,
I don't want to go there again...

I'm feeling really guilty too. Payday this week , and I ordered an obscenely expensive pair of headphones from Amazon as my ( September 2008) £93,000 (it's actually an interesting story, I must have mentioned it back then) pair of Sennheiser HD595s have finally fallen apart, RIP old friends, you have served me well.
Guilty?
I really really can't afford to spend that much on anything, so absolutely no Cd's, Blu Rays, books, and probably food for the next couple of months...

this series is fabulous...

“Every great man nowadays has his disciples, and it is always Judas who writes the biography” - Oscar Wilde