"Go. Sleep badly. Any questions, hesitate to call." *

It's Monday morning! I'm on holiday! Sadly all that means is I'll have to use the central heating more, sad face.

The medication has done wonderful things for my mood. So much so in fact that I'm worrying about stopping it, I know it's only a short term solution. I still feel down and worry, but the bouncing ball effect has been lessened dramatically, and thankfully the despair and hopelessness has all but gone, for now.

I've had a couple of CBT phone appointments. Anticipating them actually made me feel more anxious, especially the first one. I can see how it will help, but I'm so set in my negative ways will it work for me?

There's something awfully wrong with me after all, beyond the blindingly obvious I mean. I think it's simply misanthropy and laziness, but I actively shy away from any form of social contact, I even worry about answering the door or waiting in for deliveries. As I've said before I'm essentially a hermit who has to go to work to pay for the upkeep of his cave.

It's so cold, but the north east has been lucky and the worst of the weather has missed us. The Scottish borders aren't far, and poor Northern Ireland is suffering badly, my sympathies.
Moaning about the weather, the supreme British stereotype!

Regrets? I've had a few... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

*from "kiss kiss bang bang" my recent viewing pleasure

“I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference!” - Albert Einstein

I had a lovely text from my beloved Daughter last night. It's made me smile for hours, no small feat, believe me.

We've had the quietest weekend ever at work, if it goes on like this we'll ALL be out of a job.

On a whim, I watched "The Lake House" tonight, never seen it before. It was illogical and insipid, but I really really liked it. Ego boosting fact - both the lead actors are actually older than me, and Sandra Bullock gets more beautiful with age.

Also finally got around to watching "Bande à part" which was wonderful!!!

Be seeing you... 

 

Bad Bad Woman... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.”

 

“The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.” - Audrey Hepburn

I've nothing much to say, but what else is new?

Billie was so very upset yesterday. She's having problems with her Mam, and my heart bleeds to hear the sadness in her voice.
I heard my phone ringing, as I walked into the changing room at work yesterday, unusual in itself, and I ended up talking to her for half an hour vainly trying to understand what she was saying between sobs. Whether what she says is true or just her teenage perception of events, I have to side with her, she's my raison d'etre. I felt so powerless, what could I do but listen? I spoke to her today and she seems a little happier, thank goodness. What an awful parent I am...

Speaking of changing rooms, I got my new uniforms last week. I'm a vision in powder blue scrubs. Apart from a lack of pockets and a draw string waist, they are tolerable, but I miss the old uniforms already. Due to my habitus, I've resorted to wearing braces under the scrub top. Hilarious!

I had my first CBT appointment over the phone today. The anticipation of which ironically made me more anxious than I've felt in weeks. I've homework for next week!

Goodbye to love... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.” - Mark Twain

“In examinations, the foolish ask questions the wise cannot answer.” - Oscar Wilde

Hello, is it me you're looking for? Probably not.

Anyway, the inquest last week.

It's over, for now. I was scared, very much so, and I was only a witness by the way, not accused of anything.

But I'm the type of person who passes a Police Officer in the street, and feels guilty, for no apparent reason.

There were all the expected accouterments one expects from TV and films, microphones, a jug of water, a witness stand so on and so forth.

By all accounts I did very well, my Charge Nurse shook my hand and said he was proud of me, the Chief Matron held my hand. The funny thing is I can hardly remember what I said. I was questioned for about 40 minutes apparently, it felt like seconds! Go figure...

I wore a suit and tie for the first time in about 20 years (bought especially), I picked up Billie afterwards for tea, she said I looked like a gangster.

I feel awful today, a combination of the essence stripping medication and two 13 hour shifts back to back. I'm too old for this kind of thing.

Work ,after a brief honeymoon period on the "new" ward, is becoming increasingly busy. The reduced staffing numbers are problematic, as is friction with the ward we partially occupy. Plus I and my colleagues seem to be suffering a kind of "survivors guilt" for the five members of staff who were left behind. I really feel bad for them...

Born to lose... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.”