“Love sought is good, but given unsought, is better”

I really should have expanded that last entry, it didn't quite say what I wanted, at least not fully. 

I seem to be sliding backwards a long long way down whatever metaphor you are mentally conjuring up. Even Billie, who usually doesn't mention my mental state, commented today, prompting this addendum (is that the right word?). 

I'm almost embarrassed to go back to work tomorrow. From the point of view of those people out the other day, I was rejecting them by going home so early (or not). They probably didn't realise the anxiety and discomfort I was feeling, I just wanted to escape back to my comfort zone, which I suppose is the very seat I'm sitting in right now.

Like many things (one very important one in particular) , I could probably rationalise and almost fully explain my strange actions, but fear of vulnerability stops me short of laying my soul completely bare here, I merely hint enough to jog my memory at some far far future date (welcome visitor from tomorrow!). 

Put simply, I'm a depressive misanthropic shut-in borderline alcoholic (hey! I can see the border from here!).

Billie stayed with me the last couple of nights, actually the first time I've seen her in three weeks (she's been abroad again!). Her Mother was away again. She didn't 'go with' so she could see me, how nice!

I forgot to mention that her Mother is now in a serious relationship. This doesn't bother me as such, everyone deserves to be happy. No what troubled me for a few weeks (and obviously still circles the niggling camp), was the imminent house selling and moving in together. It'll feel strange collecting my Daughter from 'someone elses' house, someone who actually sees more of her than me. It's simple child like jealousy of course, but it's one of the things I'm best at!

Rereading, this still doesn't fully convey what I want to say. Listen if you're really interested, call round later in the week and I'll tell ya' all about it. 

In the section I like to call 'Inevitable News' it's the time of year where I ruminate and plan a holiday, and it doesn't happen. I've two weeks off in October, I can probably scrape together enough cash for a trip, somewhere! I recall a 'top tip' in Viz a long time ago, something along the lines of 'planning a holiday is half the fun, so this year I'm planning two and saving the money!' Think of all the cash I've saved!

More depressing minutiae soon, I imagine...

I was really looking for 'Canada In Springtime' , maybe my favourite Free Design song...

“Society is no comfort to one not sociable.” - William Shakespeare

"Bogus. Heinous. Most non-triumphant"

I was getting bored of post after post stating how bored/boring/miserable I am. Hence the long gap between posts. I've just had a very long and stressful stretch of shifts at work, and I'm completely knackered mentally and physically.

There was a ward night out tonight, and I made an effort to go, but soon after arriving, all I could think about was going home again, which I did as soon as the opportunity arose. I simply couldn't relax, it wasn't a panic attack as such, all I wanted was to get out and retreat to the security of my own company. That's it for me and other people I think, I'm doomed to be alone and for whatever reason, my subconscious seems okay with that - damn you subconscious! It's what I deserve I suppose...

“ . . . the chief proof of man's real greatness lies in his perception of his own smallness.” - Arthur Conan Doyle

“There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.” - Mark Twain

So true.
I wish I'd found this picture a few years ago.
Nothing continues to happen...

"Any time you got nothing to do--and lots of time to do it--come on up." - Mae West

Well it seems I'm not completely crazy, at least not yet.
I had an opticians appointment yesterday, and it seems there was a manufacturing error in my glasses which could (but may not) explain the headaches and blurred vision.

Billie is in Tenerife, so I almost literally have nothing to do on my days off. There's a million and three things I probably should be doing, but I'm not doing any of them, so there.

“I have seen slower people than I am and more deliberate... and even quieter, and more listless, and lazier people than I am. But they were dead.” - Mark Twain

“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.” - P.J. O'Rourke

I'm posting a lot recently, eh?
I've nothing particularly interesting to say, it just feels like half a conversation I suppose. 

How did I forget to mention my bi-annual haircut yesterday? (come on that's big news in the Billy world). It was getting really really long, and now it's really short (though not as short as you are probably imagining - what am I talking about?). For once this isn't freaking me out. It'll grow back I imagine. 

After be-moaning the lack of daughterly contact yesterday, Billie is staying over tonight. that always lifts my spirits a bit. Maybe this anxiety is just sublimated loneliness. Most of the time loneliness doesn't bother me, but, well, you know. I blew my chance with probably the best friend I'll ever have, old story (that I constantly retell myself) , you know how it goes...

“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.”

“I'm all in favour of free expression provided it's kept rigidly under control.” - Alan Bennett

Ooh, I do feel out of sorts. Still can't shift that nagging anxiety. 

I think that the blurred vision is down to those damn varifocals, they give me constant headaches, soon as I switch back to my old glasses, the headaches seem to fade away. 

Of course this could all be, and may well be, a product of my bizarre mind. 

Either way I think getting my eyes retested soon would be a good idea.

In more pragmatic events, my poor old car just barely scraped through it's MOT today. It was accompanied by a long list of  'advisorys' as long as a very long thing indeed. It may sadly be time to say goodbye to the old girl, the repairs needed are around a third of it's total value! I can probably get them done by next year, but a new selection will have surely arisen. I certainly can't afford a new car but the NHS run a leasing system that may be something I can afford.

I haven't seen that daughter of mine in an age. It's the summer holidays after all, she's all the time she needs, but there always seems to be another sleepover, party, or shopping trip! I'm just joking of course, I remember how peripheral parents seem in the teenage years, I just miss her that's all...

I promise to at least try and be a bit more upbeat next time...

no, really... 

I couldn't be friends with anyone who didn't at least like Ella Fitzgerald...

(okay maybe I could, I don't really have a lot of options...)

“I used to have nightmares that they would put 'He played Ted' on my tombstone.” - Keanu Reeves

 

New random health problem alert.
I noticed my left eye was blurred at the weekend (it's still blurred, it was the weekend that the noticing occurred), I could see but reading, at any distance, was difficult. My immediate worry was not my health, but the £350 I recently splashed out on two pairs of varifocals! I'm not going through that again (and I obviously can't afford to).
Anyway, it's getting a little better, I'm putting it down to fatigue, I really really hope that's all it is.