"Wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it."

Imagine walking down the street fresh from a bad haircut, and you bump into someone you haven't seen for twenty years, bam! there they are. All those times they wondered what you were up to, or how badly you'd aged, wiped away by that one terrible tonsorial effort !

Now this has never happened to me, but it reveals two things, firstly, I had another terrible haircut yesterday, and secondly, I worry a lot.
Neither should really come as a surprise to anybody who has read even a single entry of this drivel.

The lovely weather yesterday lifted my spirits a little. Sadly I went out still dressed for winter, and therefore sweated away against a backdrop of shorts and sun dresses in the town centre, a place I loath to visit, but that's where the useful stuff is kept alas.

I'm on holiday by the way, I've successfully wasted two days already! If only there was some way I could drink wine every night (how about alcoholism?) and not suffer...

"There is not the hundredth part of the wine consumed in this kingdom that there ought to be. Our foggy climate wants help." - Jane Austen

“There's only one me, and I'm stuck with him.”- Kurt Vonnegut jr.

I never did elaborate on my failing suspected failing sanity, did I?

I've had an abysmal few days which were preceded by an awful few weeks.
Only fear for my job has kept me going back onto the sick (can you believe it's almost two years since I first visited my GP?).
I feel so anxious, so directionless, a little hopeless, and the twin joys of a stiff back and the ongoing toothache saga...

I seemed to have lost any ability to make decisions or act upon those I do make. Small problems  pile up on each other, eventually making (at least in my mind) a Scooby-Doo sized predicament sandwich.
I can hardly cope.
It's all about isolation I suppose, no one to tell me to stop being a fool, to pull myself together, or offer advice, good or bad. I'm sitting here an anxious pit where my somewhat large stomach used to be.

Speaking of large stomachs, I actually have lost a little bit of weight.
Sadly almost everything I eat and drink results in some degree of pain. Hot tea and Coffee for instance are totally verboten, they hurt too much.
I'll give it another week or two and slope back to the dentist for the fourth time.
She said it could take a couple of months.

I've become obsessed with the weather forecast or at least the app on my phone. A windy night means my flapping roof keeps me awake, partially from the noise, partially from the fretting feedback loop! I absolutely must ring a roofer after the weekend, it has to be sorted sooner or later, before it turns into a leak or worse! knowing my luck the house will probably be condemned! (or would that actually be good luck?)

Nothing informs your mood quite like toothache, so combined with my recent moods I've been quite the joy to be around. Probably for the best that around is something I haven't been, if you see what I mean.

I started off feeling wretched, but reading back over those paragraphs everything seems so completely trivial. However since it's me we're talking about I still feel pretty wretched. Remember this is only a snapshot, we can never fully experience the feelings of another. within a few yards of where I sit I'm sure people feel equally alone and wretched, and for more valid reasons. We start and finish alone, and if we are lucky we get a little company along the way.

Nowhere to go, no-one not to go with and not even comfort eating to look forward too - poor me...

“Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance.” - Kurt Vonnegut 

“To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable” - Oscar Wilde

I fear for my sanity (details later). So what else is new?

I went back to the Dentist, what seems like weeks ago now (it was, fool!). She said there's nothing to be done and the pain may take months to go away (it's hurting as I type). The downside is hot and cold anything is still agonising, consequently the upside is I'm still losing a bit of weight.

I also had a sudden and unexpected recurrence of the old back problem too (fall at work circa 1995), I spent the majority of the working week in my capital L position, like I think I said recently, hilarious to look at, horrible to experience.

Billies Mother spent half term in New York, good for her, but better for me as Billie Stayed with me for 3 whole nights in a row (this may seem trivial to you, but to me it's a big deal, so there!).
I love her unconditionally, but she really is the archetype of a grumpy, greedy and selfish teenager. Her biggest concern all week was what presents (or if any) he Mam would bring her back!

My beloved car developed it's first problem (clutch), which gave me yet another reason to fret, but it was repaired easily and freely (I still have two years warranty left thankfully). The thing is quite the gas guzzler however, shame.

Work has been very stressful lately. My 'incident' of last year is resolved now, the last thing I had to do was attend an assertiveness course. Anybody out there who actually knows me, will realise that I need more than 3 hours to resolve this particular personality flaw, but it's a start, and probably an end.

There's been a rum bunch of patients too, I can't go into detail, but this sort of thing can get a man down.


Speaking of which, while my depression is technically 'better' if you see what I mean, there are several days each week when I just want to curl up into a ball and cry my eyes out. My biggest problem is probably loneliness, but ironically I can't stand people. That may be a little harsh on myself, but it explains the facts, no friends, no visitors, I can't recall the last time my phone rang for instance. I'm not feeling sorry for myself by the way, these are simply the facts, and they will almost certainly never ever change. So there you go, bye for now...

“The main problem with teenagers is that they're just like their parents were at their age”

“Chins without beards deserve no honor.” - Spanish Proverb

More dental woes - hot and cold anything equals pain. I've been back to my dentist and had a weeks antibiotics - It's  no better but I suppose I should give it another week or so, before I crawl back. Consequently I've lost a bit of weight, silver lining eh?

(ps from the near future - Billie informed me earlier that I have a chipped front tooth! I've no idea how or when that happened, but another trip is almost a cert now . something new for me to fret over!)

There was a ward 'night out' last week. I really really didn't want to go, but somehow I was hustled into turning up. As predicted I didn't enjoy it, the company was fine, but I wasn't. I'm just not a social creature, any ability I had has long since oozed away. All I could think about whilst struggling with my expensive pizza, was when will the bill come? (about an hour and a half too late it turned out - home by 10.30! scandalous...)

I've been so very tired the past few weeks, the new shift patterns at work means I was out of the house for 14 hours Monday, and 12 Tuesday. Consequently I got in last night and my planned evening of wine, pizza and the last two (ever) episodes of 'Chuck' turned into falling asleep in front of the computer and going to bed at 11pm, which as you all know is very very early for me.

I saw Billie today, for all of 10 minutes, she called for a lift home from school, and I was happy to oblige. She's off to a football match tonight, which is one of her most favourite things, imagine that. I don't even TRY to compete...

“Hot things, sharp things, sweet things, cold things All rot the teeth, and make them look like old things” - Benjamin Franklin