“Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store.”

On Christmas Eve, those oh so prescient powers that be decided to change my ward from Surgical admissions, to care of the elderly.
It's just a shame that we are not staffed for such a change, work has been hell, and it looks like we've got another week of it. A little help would be nice!
(I'd like to go on but I could get in trouble).

Christmas Day, I spent a few hours at my Mams with Billie, before she had to go home for the posher part of the day. It's all right though, at least one of us is happy (a clue, it's not me). I did get some lovely presents from her though, the first time I didn't have to buy it myself and have it delivered to her address (true story).

Boxing Day - nothing happened (at least to me).

Another year I haven't bothered with decorations or festive food (or pretty much any kind of food). there's only been me here so why bother. The last visitor I had was the boiler man back in September.

The bad dreams and anxiety continue.

I have to go to work now, a day of toileting and angry relatives awaits...

winter kills... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not.” - Dr. Seuss

 

 

“Don't tell your problems to people: eighty percent don't care; and the other twenty percent are glad you have them” - Lou Holtz

I've gotta get me some kind of medical help, as soon as the holidays are out of the anyway (no way my GP will see someone on Christmas Eve about anxiety).
I'm feeling so anxious today that it's interfering with everything, literally everything, I do, say or think. It's consuming me.
I'm back at work in the morning though, and that's usually distracting from my stir craziness.
I'm making light of it, but I feel absolutely terrible, I can't relax or rest at all.

I'll let you know what transpires...


ps The Christmas night out was a bust, a half empty venue, all the atmosphere of the moon, plus I'd forgotten to bring any money! There was no wine (as promised) with the food, which itself was smothered in gravy (which I hate). Plus my anxiety meant I couldn't relax and just chill out. Only 10 of 30 employees on my ward attended. The overall impression was a dull wedding reception. At least I lasted until 10.30 this year. There was a permeating drizzle on the way home, so I was of course, drenched by the time I arrived at my front door. I sat soberly in front of the computer for an hour, then went to bed, trying to avoid the creaking and dripping, by employing my newly purchased ear-buds. It goes without saying that I had troubled dreams, but reportage of dreams is in the top 3 of things other people don't want to read, and I don't want to push this so called blog any further up that illustrious list.

pps Billie stayed last night, for our traditional Christmas movie viewing. We couldn't agree what to watch, I've a big collection, but she is scared of "Gremlins" has never fancied "It's A Wonderful Life", doesn't consider "Die Hard" a real Christmas movie, and has seen "Elf"  (my top choice) too many times to countenance it again. 
I tried to download a compromise in "The Santa Clause" but my internet connection was down, which I felt rather guilty about. We ended up chatting and eating our pizza, then she watched "Match of the day" (an absolute must for her) and went to bed. A normal night for other families, I suppose. 
We get on really well considering how little we see of each other, and she is beautiful, clever and opinionated. 
I hope she learns from my mistakes and make a success of her life. I know that she can if she applies herself, but I worry that she'll develop her fathers top skills of self pity, apathy, and bad decision making. Somehow though, deep down, I think she'll do just fine.
In my current mental state my only guaranteed source of mental comfort is dwelling on how well she turned out as a person, and how happy she seems. 
Of course she is stubborn, self centred, selfish and materialistic, but I believe that by law , a teenager has to be all those and more...

Billie slept in my room as she is not too fond of her "bedroom". Consequently I slept in my armchair, with a blanket over me. It was a very strange night indeed. I only half slept, I think, and the night felt more like a delirious night shift (with strange dreams) than any form of relaxation. 

If I were someone other than me reading this, I'd be thinking "what a crackpot". But I simply don't have the skills to adequately describe how I feel. My GP was supposed to arrange counselling for me two and a half years ago, but I suspect that appointment will not be arriving now. If I had some kind of network of friends, that would probably help me deal with everyday concerns and woes, and a (self perceived) crisis like this would never arrive. 
But I'm terrible at making friends, and I imagine worse at keeping them. I'm not just difficult to know,  I'm just not worth the effort.

Blimey this ps went on a bit didn't it?

That's the signpost up ahead... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.” - George Carlin

I've been on holiday. As usual I've done nothing, almost literally (breathing is autonomic).
I won't go into details, but I've never felt so worried and anxious, or fretted so much in my life. That knot in my stomach is pretty much a permanent fixture now, resembling a bag of giant pretzels (delicious with mustard).
I can't remember the last time I felt relaxed (that didn't partially involve alcohol at least), or felt like I was actually enjoying myself.
I simply want someone to put their arms around me and tell me everything will be alright - but then again, who doesn't?




Huzzah! - It's the Christmas night out tonight, it will literally be my only social engagement of the year (that doesn't involve my daughter that is).
That may sound like hyperbole, but it's completely true, one week of the year to go, and my first night out, a wildman!


I can't think of any reason (good or bad) not to go (and my how I've tried), so go I (probably) will.
The world is supposed to end today isn't it? The weather is certainly apocalyptic enough. Perfect for a drunken walk home later, is it bad form to take an umbrella?

Be seeing you...

ps a heartfelt happy birthday Barbara !

I Wish I Was In Love Again... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“Stupidity has a certain charm - ignorance does not”  

- Frank Zappa

Whatever happened to me? from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“How young can you die of old age?” - Steven Wright

Sorry for the wordless posts. I've been a little stuck for something to say.
So here's more of the same!
I feel awful.
Really really awful.
I could try and describe the way I've been feeling, but It's not worth it, I'll never forget, and you don't care.

I can't seem to cope with any problems or decisions, (at least outside of work, the consequences of my decisions there could be a little more far reaching) small or large. Every thing seems to be crumbling and decaying, even my one important relationship, with Billie. Part of me knows that I should lighten up, and at least try to enjoy the pleasures that are offered to me. Sadly this part of me is more often drowned out by the paranoid loopy part.

Plus some kind of vortex that sucks the money from my bank into distant oblivion, is following me. I constantly and eternally broke!

It wouldn't be so bad if I had someone to talk to occasionally (frankly I've forgotten what being a functioning adult is to some extent, especially regarding small talk). Sadly if the rest of my family were a sitcom, I wouldn't even rise to comedy neighbour status, maybe a featured extra?

I really need to have a few hours fun. I can recall two perfect evenings in the last 10 years. The memories of those will be with me forever, and can still make me smile upon their recollection. Will I ever have another?
(Maybe if I left the house once in a while, eh?)

boo hoo.

Yesterday when I was young... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.” - Orson Welles

 

 

My Name Is Barbara... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.