“The insane, on occasion, are not without their charms” - Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

"What goes on in your heart?
What goes on in your mind?"


Yesterday I was in floods of tears - twice!

I dropped Billie off at her house for the last time before she goes to Florida. I of course cried my eyes out, what an embarrassing Father I must be!
Later I watched the final episode of 'The Pacific'. It hadn't affected me as much as it's predecessor (Band of Brothers) but as the final scene with the real fellas and the actors portraying them rolled by, I found myself welling up again!
It's going to be a lonely few days until I go back to work next week. But in fact I feel a little better. I really can't explain why, nothing much has changed, at least not for the better!
But I felt so desperate last week , nearly as low as I've ever felt, that any upside is easy to see.

I'm resolving to find some kind interest outside of this house, of course I've said this many times before...

Amusingly Billie rang me earlier and asked for a lift home (as she was feeling lazy, I imagine) she'd been with her friends saying goodbye, obviously I hadn't expected to see her today, but I imagine to keep my emotions in check, mostly!

“People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order so they'll have good voice boxes in case there's ever anything really meaningful to say.”

“"All alone! Whether you like it or not, alone is something you'll be quite a lot"”

Well, I'm sure you are a little curious about this long gap between posts? You aren't? Fair enough.But if you insist, I simply didn't feel like it.
Frankly, I simply didn't feel like anything, in all senses.

I had my birthday (and thank goodness Billie was here, otherwise I probably would have vanished in some kind of nostalgia feedback implosion) all I got was older.
Then it was Billies birthday, she's all of a sudden 14, which seems so much less of a child than 13 (duh!). My point being that pretty much the only useful role I served (i.e. Parent) has eroded even further.
Last week all my neuroses and anxieties finally got a bit too much for me and I gave in and went to see my GP (for the first time in six years !).
He offered me counselling and some time off work which I initially refused. The next day however, I decided to recant.

So here I am, Sunday afternoon, pouring down outside, 'on the sick'.
And what a week to 'pick'. My usual support system, namely my Mam, and Billie, are both going away (and to different destinations - coincidence fans) on holiday, So I shall pretty much have a week, alone, without even the distraction of work. But mental health, alas, doesn't consult a timetable.

However I'm quite looking forward to seeing a counsellor, is that wrong?
I mustn't just vegetate over the next week or so. I've plenty to do around the house, and all signs are the weather will be good. You just know how this is going to turn out don't you?

...And finally, Billie stayed over last night and my movie choice was 'Psycho' ! Ironic subconscious or simply a good movie? probably both (although to be honest, our previous film was 'The Birds' ,which she also enjoyed) .

(Emmylou Harris is my new musical obsession)

“I'm sorry to say so but, sadly it's true that bang-ups and hang-ups can happen to you” - Dr. Seuss

“Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes” - Steven Wright

Billie passed her G.C.S.E.s.
I'm genuinely impressed, I was in no way prepared or mature enough at 13 for that. Were exams harder then? Probably not, it's just that we were children for a lot longer if you see what I mean. At 13 today you are a little adult , not a kid. Is that a good thing? Personally, I think not. I don't want to molly coddle, but adulthood is so completely rubbish, you should have a little more time to be carefree. It's not as if there is a need to mature early so you can outrun predators, or go work down the pit. The bank of Mam and Dad will happily bank roll you until at least 18, and rightly so.

I'm still on holiday, but passing the hospital today I notice that a huge grey monolith is being constructed in the Car Park. Either this is to advance our evolution (see '2001 - A Space Odyssey' for details), some form of NHS mind control device, or just maybe a telephone mast. Er, which is most likely? Which is most desirable?
I read a local history book the other day and walking through my so-called 'town centre', earlier, I was saddened by how much has changed. This wasn't me simply being a Luddite though. My towns architectural demise began with heavy bombing during World War II, as we then had lots of heavy industry. Then when combined with the trendy sixties notion of demolishing everything you could get away with, and replacing them with some concrete monstrosity that would last 10 years before crumbing and being replaced itself. The town has no structural heart or visible centre sadly. Once great Victorian edifices replaced with anonymous shutters, skillful masonry relpaced with poured concrete. I'm starting to sound like Prince Charles!

Sadly everything is transient now, while opening your new iPhone you already know you will be drooling at the thought of it's replacement six months later. Technology , of course , is by it's very nature temporary, consumerism isn't really constructed to promote craftsmanship and durability (now I'm sounding like William Morris) is it? Without the need for replacements , workforces and economies would suffer (see 'The Man in The White Suit'). Rant over.

I finally got to see 'Avatar' the other day. I feel a bit like the boy in 'The Emperors New Clothes', when I say, what's the big deal?
It is a competent sci-fi action movie to be sure, and I'm not the first to point out it's another version of 'Invader goes Native and saves the hopeless indigenous people' ("er, why didn't we think of attacking with our flying lizards in large enough numbers to overcome those mercenaries? duh? really, why didn't we think of that? thanks outsider, who despite destroying pretty much our whole way of life, we've grudgingly come to love! thanks again!").
I did enjoy it, I really did, maybe I just came a bit too late to the party, and maybe I should have seen it in 3D. (I'm still puzzled as to what evolutionary purpose being blue would serve in a such a verdant environment? Well at least in the daytime, what with the nocturnal bio-luminescence (!) you might as well be hot pink! The predators should have just hunted at night, when even your footfall gives away your position. I thought I said 'rant over' ?

Oh, it's my Birthday on Friday.

I love this song, but it's ending on far too upbeat a note, so...


That's better (but 'miserabler', if you see?)

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

“Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.” - W.C. Fields

“Sleep, sleep, beauty bright,

Dreaming in the joys of night;
Sleep, sleep; in thy sleep
Little sorrows sit and weep.”

I don't know what's up with me. After years of insomnia, now it's some nights without sleep, but increasingly some days when I can't get up. Maybe it's all those years of sleeplessness catching up with me. To be honest I don't really care, in fact that's probably my biggest problem, I don't really care about anything, not anymore. I'm just killing time until time kills me (oh that's catchy! I'll use that again!).

I'm on holiday again. Almost a week has gone by. Nothings happened. Surprised?
It's a five week month, another week to payday. The upside is, it's easier to stick to my diet, being relatively broke that is.

I finally got around to watching 'Almost Famous' tonight (the very very long version) and what a delight. I've a growing interest in early 70s rock music, which is pretty irrelevant. How did Jason Lee end up co-starring with CGI chipmunks? eh?

Nearly 3am, it looks like it's going to be one of those nights!

“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.” - W.C. Fields

“Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.”

Lazy....

“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on.”

“You and I will meet again, When we're least expecting it,
One day in some far off place, I will recognize your face,
I won't say goodbye my friend, For you and I will meet again”

Low, so low. If I could get any lower than I could be the world limbo champion, I imagine.

It's time to move on, in more way than I care to explain. Except it isn't, then it is again. It's very late, nearly 2am, and I'm at work in the morning, so this may be a little garbled, a little?

I had a lovely, lovely dream last night, all about Barbara (remember her?). so lovely in fact that waking up, realising it was only a dream was painful. so painful in fact the feeling hung around me all day.
Billie stayed last night so that sugared the pill to some degree, but she wants to do her own thing these days, and to be honest I fully understand and respect that. Being a Teenager is difficult enough without a semi-dependent child like Dad making it worse, so I'm being as 'cool' as possible about it.

But moving on, when? and how? I need something in my life that isn't music or TV, something real, at least once in a while. Time for bed? Probably.

In lighter matters, I simply loved this weeks House, contrived? Absolutely, but fun, so much fun. How I envy Hugh Laurie, not only is he attractive to women, witty, so witty, a successful author, sportsman, talented musician and family man, but he directs a mean TV episode too! envy, envy, envy!

Good Night anyone who's listening, but a very special goodnight to those of you that aren't...

“The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.” - Robert Frost

“The one who loves you will make you weep.” - Argentinian proverb

"And when I'm lying in my bed,
I think about life,
And I think about death,
And neither one particularly appeals to me"

Welcome to April. The gaps between postings are getting longer aren't they? Mostly because even I'm bored of my whining (and that last comment upset me, it seems even total strangers see through me!).

Well nights are finished, and in a strange kind of way I actually enjoyed them. I already feel a little detached from society and night shift fits in perfectly with this mind set. Going home when everyone else is coming out, sleeping (or trying to) whilst the world struggles with day to day rubbish. Plus many of the stresses of day shift are missing at 4am. I still hate it though.

Billie and I went to see 'Kick Ass' this evening. The first time I've been to the Cinema this year, and the first evening visit in, well pretty much since Billie came along (that's 13, almost 14 years by the way). I cannot recommend this movie highly enough. There really was nothing that could have been improved (thank goodness it was made in Toronto and not Vancouver, otherwise I would be discoursing on a whole different tack). A great soundtrack too, that included at least two of my personal favourites, The Banana Splits, and Joan Jett.
Plus, at last, another good Nicolas Cage Movie (loved the John Woo and Con Air references, in fact I loved almost everything). Next biggie 'Iron Man II'.

The two highlights of our trip to the cinema - first when we both burst into tears at THE sad bit (I love a good movie inspired tear shed), and secondly whilst Billie slipped out to the toilet, she apparently complained to the management about some rowdy types a couple of rows back (that almost ruined the film for everybody). When she told me, I suddenly stopped worrying so much about her future (at least for now!)

I had some wine last night (fancy?) and discovered this morning I'd ordered a few CDs from Amazon (marketplace mind you!). Counting box-sets as individual discs (and I am) there's 27 discs on the way! (although to be honest only the last 5 or so were ordered under the influence!)

My Favourite Bobby Darin song, So sad and depressing a lyric, I love it!

“I always knew looking back on my tears would bring me laughter, but I never knew looking back on my laughter would make me cry.” - Cat Stevens

Ps. I must add that this weeks lost was fabulous, Desmond seems to get all the best episodes! At last things are starting to make sense (it seems pretty obvious what the 'sideways' world is now, at least).