“The heart was made to be broken” - Oscar Wilde

My other 'brother  in law' had a heart attack today, that's both of them  in one year. 

I, in a bizarre coincidence (is there any other type?) was in the hospital attending a meeting with my Matron and Charge Nurse (over which much sleep was lost and agitation expended by yours truly). It was all over and I was slowly shuffling down a corridor when over my ipod I heard someone calling my name, which turned out to be my Sister. She was in floods of tears, and around a couple of corners was her partner on a trolley, all dripped and oxygenated, on his way to the CCU. Fancy that.

I'd hardly slept last night, worrying about my meeting. More disjointed and illogical nightmares, and I was up at the crack of the proverbial. But enough about me, well maybe a bit more. I'm in the prime demographic and apart from having never smoked, have all the key risk factors for a heart attack. A few months ago, wanting to die, I probably would have welcomed it. But now I'm not so sure (I'm lying, I absolutely do not want to die just yet, things have to get more interesting soon, don't they?) . Time for bed...

I've suddenly started playing all my old k.d. Lang CDs again, this may be my favourite song of hers. Can you believe she's almost 50 (and she's not the only one! - er, not me btw).

“I love talking about nothing. It is the only thing I know anything about.” -  Oscar Wilde

 

 

“To the wise, life is a problem; to the fool, a solution” - Marcus Aurelius

"On the back of a carton coaster,
In the blue TV screen light,
I drew a map of Canada,
Oh Canada,
With your face sketched on it twice"

Well after the bleakness of the weekend, today was a little  sunnier, in all senses. 

Billie stayed over last night , and while all I got was teenage indifference, it still cheered me up. Today we went to an early showing of "Scott Pilgrim versus The World". I absolutely loved it but I could tell from Billies antsy shuffling that she wasn't having such a good time. On the way to drop her off (for an urgent rendezvous with friends) I tried quizzing her on the films merits, but she wasn't in a talkative mood. I try to not let this sort of behaviour bother me any more, and it didn't. 

I'm, I imagine, not in the films ideal demographic, yet still I found it touching, exciting and very very funny. Michael Cera was not an obvious choice as Scott Pilgrim (at least to me , but on reflection he is a 22 year old Canadian), but his usual fey and slightly embarrassed persona fit the character perfectly. most of all I loved the crazy logic of the whole movie, no one (in the films world) questioned any of the goings on, and the direction was kinetic without being choppy. There were several laugh out loud moments ("they make movies in Toronto?") , which were greeted with an 'embarrasing Dad' glare from Billie). I really thought a 14 year old would have appreciated it more (what does that say about me?)

I am going to enjoy this rare evening of feeling, well okay - Wine, Mad Men and True Blood await (that sounds a little more exciting than the reality). Normal service will be resumed shortly...

 
“Solitude is impractical and yet society is fatal.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"There is less to this than meets the eye." - Tallulah Bankhead

Someone flicked a switch marked 'Summer' and by default came Autumn. That's how today feels. Permeating everything is a sense of coolness, both of temperature and mood. I look around me and the world looks worn and washed out, almost faded.

Faded not in a nostalgic, sepia way, but in a decaying, used up sense. I know that simply it's the end of Summer, and my mental state is, of course, colouring my outlook, but today (Sunday) something changed. I've often bemoaned my distaste for Sundays, and as tomorrow is also a Bank Holiday, that's like getting two in row - Double Sunday! Twice the sense of doom (I believe a lot of people like Bank Holidays, but they probably have things like options). O, woe is me.

“Whether the knife falls on the melon or the melon on the knife, the melon suffers” - African proverb

“What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself”

No nightmares last night, in fact quite the opposite. 

A very pleasant dream about Barbara. 

Simply an enjoyable conversation as she sat on a sofa (I seemed to be floating around in some non-logical dream point of view, of course) . It was lit very dramatically, the colour desaturated, almost black and white, and I couldn't make out the rest of the room, all deep in shadow.

Of course I can't remember any details of the conversation, but I did wake smiling, and for once feeling very happy. 

The odd detail that sticks in my mind is she was wearing leather trousers!! 

What's the Freudian significance of that? I don't like them (it was my dream after all) and it's not something I would've ever imagined her wearing (no pun intended, as some part of me obviously did).

“Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary” - Mark Twain

“Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.” - Dr.Seuss

“A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures”

Something a bit new for tonight. 

I had an hour or so where I felt what can only describe as complete despair. I shuffled around my little house for a while, until thankfully it passed. 

I don't want to feel like that ever again. At least Edmond Dantès had a little bit of company.

Otherwise the day was quite unremarkable (yet still he makes one) .

“When you are old and gray and full of sleep, and nodding by the fire, take down this book and slowly read, and dream of the soft look your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep.” - WB Yeats

“Men become old, but they never become good”

"Well, as they drove off, they were crying,
And no one can know for sure,
If that is why they didn't see,
The sign that said 'Detour'."

Monday morning, earlyish. I had yet another horrible nightmare (are there any other kind?).

It's recent enough to be still hanging around my psyche. If this was a film, then it would be my subconscious offering up clues to a long forgotten, or never noticed mystery. But it isn't, it's just another nightmare. 

I mentioned the potential optimism of mornings last week. It seems that doesn't apply to today, the day ahead is pressing down on me , making me struggle for breath, at least for a moment or two. No plans, no desires, nowhere to go, and no-one to not do it with. 

I'm a fun guy.

Billie stayed over on Saturday night. Her Blackberry never left her hand, but more interestingly it rarely stopped pinging alerts, or buzzing merrily to itself. She had something like 25 friend requests on (although I use the term 'friend' very loosely in relation to Facebook). In contrast , I deleted my 'profile' a couple of months ago, and no-one noticed. I haven't heard my phone ring in weeks. However I did get a text last week, it was my phone bill. 

“Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.” - Oscar Wilde