With special guest star - Billy Hopkinson...

It was my 50th birthday today, so I thought I'd pop by and say hello.
I've just got back from a couple of days in Liverpool, visiting Billie. I had a great time, and especially enjoyed the Beatles tour. We saw "Age Of Ultron" and I was a little disappointed with it to be honest.
I'll be back later to add the usual stuff angsty soul searching and ennui...

“My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.” - Spike Milligan

I've been a bit poorly this week. Just a cold mind you, but enough to make me feel miserable. I've been on holiday too. I don't really enjoy holidays any more. Of course they are preferable to work, but I miss the company, and what's left of the banter. Since Billie went away, I live an almost solitary life.

I'm really not indulging in self pity, most of the time my company is fine.
I'm not a snob, I just don't relate easily with people anymore.

Physically and mentally I'm a bit of a mess. I simply must lose weight. It's become a real problem, not only regarding my health, but I simply can't get clothes to fit anymore. I had to miss my Christmas night out, as the only real option for party wear was to cut a hole in a duvet cover (to be honest I wasn't feeling well either).

I drove down to Liverpool to bring Billie home for Christmas, the trip was atrocious, abysmal weather, heavy traffic, and unnecessary anxiety from yours truly.
I used to enjoy motorway driving, but the last few trips have been hellish sweaty palm rides, it seems almost everything worries me these days.

In some good news, Billie seems to love both Liverpool and University. This is genuinely a source of great comfort to me, it really is.

Anyway, dear reader, I've made some dietary changes, and been taking a little gentle exercise (and I don't just mean the stairs at work). I'm even considering going back to my GP for antidepressants. Let's see if I can change things, just a little eh?

Speed Of Dark from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different.” - Kurt Vonnegut

“Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen”

What a miserable weeks holiday.
I've rarely been in bed before 3am, not wild revelry, just looming anxiety.
None of that insomnia I had back in the mid 2000s, once I'm in bed (ear buds in place of course)
I can get to sleep, but I've been staying up increasingly late (one day until 6am) fretting and a worrying.
I'm not going to mention any of my concerns, because they are all relatively petty, and normal (I imagine, I've no peers to review me).

Anyway, I'm quite looking forward  to getting back to work, even if its just to speak to another human being! (it's been a very lonely week off).

Lots of cash needed in the next few weeks, apart from the usual Christmas stuff. Strangely that's not one of my worries, I'm far from rich and I'll probably never finish my mortgage, but I can usually afford what I need (sadly I don't really need a Florida holiday next year, I simply want one!)

I'm still missing Billie of course, but not in quite the same way as last time I mentioned it. We still get to chat nearly every day, and hopefully I'm going to visit her before Christmas (actually she's counting on a lift back!).
One spurious achievement - I've recently watched every episode of "Still Game" spurred on by the recent BBC broadcast of the live show - whit a tonic!

Anyone Who Had A Heart... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” - Mark Twain (born this day 1835)

“It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.”

Well, in lieu of someone to talk too here I am again, finally!
What's happened since last time?

The biggest event surely must be Billies departure for University.

Oh how I miss her!
At first it was a tangible hole in my everyday life, as so much of my "leisure" time revolved around her. Now, a month or two later it feels different, more normalised, but still heartbreaking. It's during the mundane things we did together, like shopping or watching a film,ordinary stuff, that I miss her most.
I know, I know, this is all a normal part of growing up , but knowing that has never made it easier for any parent before me, I'd wager.

She seems to be doing okay, and most importantly having a good time. So far she doesn't seem to have fallen into any of the decadent student excesses I'd fretted about! When I was at University, I was already married, so I didn't have that lonely first day not knowing anyone. Thankfully she has all the social skills I don't have...

My job is now totally transformed even from the way it was six months ago. I won't, as always go into details, but if this was a TV show, you'd say it has a mostly new cast, a new location, new writers and a new show runner. Sadly the budget hasn't increased. I may be a higher grade now, but the lack of weekends means I'm essentially earning the same as last year. No pay rises for nurses in  the past few years either, so effectively I was better off five or six years ago (but who wasn't? you moaning sod!).

I've had a couple of new health problems, nothing too serious thankfully, but both have "annoying" physical symptoms, which, er, are annoying me, a lot.
I had to have a mammogram, which involved some retrospectively amusing contortions from me, but at the time I was simply embarrassed. As I said though, it was nothing serious (those last two words would make a good epitaph for me...)

Ballad Of A Sad Man... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“People who count their chickens before they are hatched, act very wisely, because chickens run about so absurdly that it is impossible to count them accurately” - Oscar Wilde

“Nothing exists except atoms and empty space; everything else is opinion” - Democritus

Bear with me, I'm feeling sorry for myself (my usual reason for visiting).

Today is the last day of a fortnight off (no we didn't go to Florida - more on that later I imagine).
Consequently I have that awful "last day of holiday" gut-churning feeling.
What makes this much more remarkable is that Billie leaves for University later this week - so that churning is much much worse than usual. (empty nest ahoy!)

I know logically that her move is inevitable and normal, but it doesn't stop me dreading her departure.
Sadly I've several long shifts this week so I'll see very little of her.
On the plus side, we've spent a lot of time together this past two weeks (which you might say only amplifies the impending separation misery seekers).

We didn't get to Florida, partly due to a lack of money, but mostly due to fatigue and selflessness on Billies Part.
She'd just had two holidays, one with friends to Ibiza, then almost immediately Spain with her family. Consequently a third trip might have been devalued somewhat, and with her impending departure it would've left a lot of organising to do in just a few days.
More importantly she said she didn't want me getting into debt for a holiday. Honestly I didn't mind.
My advice to her has always been to buy memories and not things, I simply wanted a bit of that memory making action for myself!

We did go to Glasgow earlier this week, whilst it is still part of the UK (was I right, man of the future?)
We had a good time. I was flummoxed by the incredibly busy road system there (10 lanes!) and the one way system stymied a couple of my intended visitations. Apart from food, neither of us bought anything! We had a couple of lovely meals and some good chat, so I was more than happy.
It appears I developed a new anxiety, namely overtaking on the motorway. But is designed for urban use, so hopefully it was the vehicle rather than the driver at fault (it wasn't).

Work has changed a lot whilst I've been off, new staff and ways of working await me.

Money, as I've mentioned remains tight. The job may have been a promotion, but the lack of weekends mean I'm actually slightly worse off, at least until I get a couple of increments under my belt.

I expect loneliness will be an increasing problem over the next few months, and as the nights draw in, I imagine my mood will follow.
Maybe I suffer from SAD or maybe I'm just an old misery guts



“I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.” - Janeane Garofalo

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.” - Bob Hope

It suddenly occurred to me that this blog was still here unloved and alone (sounds familiar). 

I finally realised / admitted to myself that I was only posting out of self pity, and not serving any real purpose, so hey that's what brings me back tonight!

Things at work have changed beyond recognition. However working in the health service means I can#t discuss any details, partially for confidential reasons, partly because I'm a big scaredy cat. However hardly a day goes by when some new change is introduced, my job today doesn't even resemble what I was doing a year ago. As Uncle Ben (not the rice guy) might have said, with great power comes great responsibility, but sadly not great wages.

I'm still lonely and like always I try not to think of the future too much, in case the anxieties it reveals begin to crush me. I enjoy the things I do, and do the things I enjoy, It would be nice (objectively) if sometimes they took place away from my house now and again.

Billie is currently in Ibiza, I'm not sure she's enjoying as much as she'd hoped she would, but she's only just arrived, and it's her first grown up holiday without one of her parents. I'm sure she'll acclimatise.

We'd planned on one more Florida trip in September, but hope is fading. My credit card was going to take the brunt, but a couple of other factors are threatening the possibility. Stay tuned, as will I, I want to see how this turns out!

If I want a random moan, I usually turn to twitter now. I've only a handful of followers, but like all of modern life it's instant gratification we desire, even if we're unlikely to get it. Blogging like this is akin to a message in a bottle, if you catch my drift (no pun intended).

More if it occurs to me I imagine.

Misery from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“The point of living and of being an optimist is to be foolish enough to believe the best is yet to come.” - Peter Ustinov

“Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before.” - Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

How do you make something out of nothing? That's a question not only pertinent to this blog, but life in general.
I haven't posted because nothings happened. I'm privy to events happening around me, but me? pretty much everything stays the same.

Billie is very stressed over her A-levels, and I feel for her, I really do. as for work, it seems every week there is some new variation on a theme awaiting us (that's all you are getting) and my darned uniforms, still haven't arrived , after six bloomin' months (well I have 5 pairs or maroon scrub pants, but the tunics are still on their tramp steamer in bound from the tropics, and the lowest bidder).

It's the time of year when all the TV shows I watch end, so I'm catching up with Fargo and Penny Dreadful, American TV is really where it's at isn't it? The last "broadcast" UK show I watched was the Doctor Who Christmas special. Hang on it's June, that means I haven't turned on my TV this year!

How can you mend a broken heart? from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“History is merely a list of surprises. It can only prepare us to be surprised yet again.”