“The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.” - Carl Sagan

I feel strangely benign tonight. I'm off to bed in a moment, 13 hour shift tomorrow. Back to that benign feeling, I don't exactly feel happy, no I would certainly not go that far. However the depression that's troubled me of late, seems to have taken a Summer vacation, if you excuse the expression.

I watched 'Viva Las Vegas' last night, on blu-ray to boot (ebay) and combined with a whole bottle of wine it was a most enjoyable experience , easily my favourite Elvis movie (to be honest it doesn't have a lot of competition), but it's just as much Ann Margrets film as his, another wonderful Swedish export!

“We are like butterflies who flutter for a day and think its forever.” - Carl Sagan

(Shirley Manson is a character in guitar hero 5!)

“Solitude is a wonderful thing - so long as you can talk about it with someone afterwards”

I really wish I had something different to say. Truth be told my routine is comfortable now, lonely yes, but comfortable none the less. I'm just a miserable so and so, most of the time other people are an irritation, not because I'm superior in ANY way, just that my own company seems to suit me. My past relationships are testimony to my disagreeable nature it would seem.
Here's another round of days off. Don't get me wrong, I 'enjoy' my days off, for sure to you it would appear nothing discernible is actually happening, but I look forward to them so (though to be honest I cannot give you a single reason why.

Er.. point? I haven't got one. By the way don't let the use of words like 'enjoy' imply I am happy in any way. I enjoy my company so much because it is easy, effortless, I simply haven't the skills, patience or desire to entertain others, maybe that accounts for the fact it's nearly August , and save for my daughter, I'm yet to have a visitor this year (it's a fact, go check).

Boo Hoo, time for bed...

“On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at...” - Mitch Hedberg

“It is only the wisest and the stupidest that cannot change.” - Confucius

"My back to the wall
A victim of laughing chance
This is for me
The essence of true romance"

It's been a long time since my last post (that sounds a bit like a confessional). I had a couple of bad days, you know the usual looking into the abyss kind of thing (actually I just felt a bit depressed) and a long stretch of those awful kind of work days that never seem to arrive alone, only in groups.

I haven't mentioned Barbara in a long time (but I have now I suppose). I think about her a lot, and it hurts still, but one day pain will give way to nostalgia I imagine (I hope). She was the best thing to ever happen to me, and I screwed up royally, it was only my inability to take a gamble (I put that badly, I mean fear of change) that was to blame, but as barriers go, it's a doozy. Self pity, depression, the old themes return, but as I always say it's MY blog and I'll cry if I want too.

More soon I imagine...

“There are three methods to gaining wisdom. The first is reflection, which is the highest. The second is limitation, which is the easiest. The third is experience, which is the bitterest.”

“Life is as tedious as a twice-told tale vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man”

"I program my home computer
Beam myself into the future"

Well luckily it wasn't me that was moved to another Ward, I escaped... this time. I've essentially been doing the same job now for about 15 years, I'm such a go getter eh?
My social life still amounts to a trip to Aldi once a week, but I'm very comfortable in my solitude now. I'm seeing even less of Billie due to her age and ever increasing social life, but to be honest she needs friends at this stage of life more than an omni-present Dad, so I'm okay with that, at least for now.
My greatest pleasure at the moment remains my projector/PS3/media player combination. The novelty of a 10 foot picture still hasn't worn off. The only drawback is it's not for casual use, as the projector has a recommended cool down time of 8 hours between use, to maximise bulb life, but so what?
I've apparently suffered my first e-bay huckster. I bought a bundle of blu-rays a couple of weeks ago, and they have failed to show. In five years this is the first problem I've had with e-bay, so it's not a bad average, just a shame it was such a substantial purchase, and not a 99p CD!
Well it's time to say goodbye from us here at mundane news, goodnight!

“Like a dull actor now
I have forgot my part and I am out,
Even to a full disgrace.” - William Shakespeare

“After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.” - W.C. Fields

Strange things are afoot at the circle K.
I've worked in the NHS for twenty years now and the changes although seemingly subtle at the time, have been monumental. They also, at least to a slight degree, parallel changes in society. When I started Nursing, the patients were polite, agreeable, respectful and actually did what you told them. Now Nurses do what the patients tell us, and patients (and especially their families) are fractious, surly, manipulative and spoiled (of course that is a total generalisation, and of course is thus mostly wrong). The victim society has spilled over into patientdom, and if an instant diagnosis, an array of hi-tech investigations (thanks House!) and usually large doses of opiates are not instantly forthcoming, it results in the very least abuse and demands to see a Matron, and at worst litigation. I as ever, try to smile on move on.
There are now so many rules, protocols and assessments for us to follow that we are more like robots than carers. I spend much of my day scrubbing commodes (plus most other surfaces) it was not how I pictured my middle age.
The management structure is a little like an inverted pyramid , at least to my cynical , jaded eyes. There are so many people telling 'us' what to do, that 'us is dwindling.
Yesterday I arrived at work to here the latest , that one of 'us' will be permanently moved from next week to another ward. Like some occupational sword of Damocles, it hangs over us, the only ' Friends ' I have are on that ward, I really don't want to go elsewhere (so like the typical human response, wish that misfortune on someone else!) - That's enough rambling for now.

Today I have been feeling very angry, something I rarely experience luckily.

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” - Jonathan Swift

“Any man can be a father, but it takes a special person to be a dad”

"This ain't no party,
This ain't no Disco,
This ain't no foolin' around"

I have just about had it with my Dad. I called in after work today, and mentioned a few concerns I was having about life and work. This led to a uncalled for rant from him (bear in mind I was interrupting the cricket, for all of 15 seconds), something along the lines of, I come here and tell him all my problems, what do I expect him to do?(although to be honest a lot less coherently). I replied that if a child cannot expect to come to the family home and expect someone to listen to theirs woes, then where can he go?
Honestly, all my Dad wants to do is have a meal handed to him three times a day, watch sport on TV, flick aimlessly through hundreds of TV channels while the break is on , and sleep. Without wanting to sound childish, but inevitably doing so, I am just a annoyance on his peripheral vision, something that partially blocks his view of Sky Sports. He has never been an especially hands on father, although I'm sure he would dispute that claim. In the four years or so I have lived in this house, he has only visited me once, and that was the night I was assaulted (on the way home from work, not by him!). He stayed all of 10 minutes, never took hi coat of or even came near me and when I broke down and cried in front of him , he quickly made his excuses and left. He seems to think that because he didn't beat me, like his Dad apparently did, that makes him a good parent. sadly being ignored for 40 years isn't the desired alternative.

I finally give up.

“Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, and don't have any kids yourself.” - Philip Larkin

“I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one” - Mark Twain

“A man’s got to know his limitations.”


I'm not going into any details why, but I really really hate myself today (what? even more than usual? you ask, probably). Well, yes! in reply to your question, cheeky cheeky reader. To be honest, although I harp on about self loathing, I do tend to exaggerate a little (really?). Today, however though I suck, blow, (no jokes please) and generally under perform in the qualities of being a (semi-decent) human being.
That's plenty.

In unrelated, but saddening events, I won't be seeing Billie at all this week. A teenagers social life is such that she has wonderful evening activities arranged for all my days off, sadly not with me, but her giggling peers.
I'm upset of course, but I like the fact she has a full social life.

Be seeing you (I expect).

“A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation” - Mark Twain