“If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.” - Carl Sagan

"Every evening when the sun goes down I sit here in my room
And the lamplight shining on me projects my lonely gloom
My counterpart in agony mocks each tear that falls
And I cast a lonesome shadow on these lonely, lonely walls"

(now that's a cheery lyric, isn't it?)

(midnight on Wednesday - actually more like 2am)
More bloggy goodness? Once or twice over the past few days I honestly toyed with deleting the whole darn thing.
Funny how a different perspective, a little word or nuance you hadn't previously considered can put a different spin on everything.

I was upset after my last post, upset in a feeling sorry poor poor Billy kind of way (which was neither deserved or appropriate).
Unfortunately when this combined with an awful few days at work, a couple of unfortunate incidents, plus my generally dour outlook, I brewed up a scowling, all encompassing bad mood. Thankfully it's fading somewhat. The upshot is I haven't been fun to be around, but since I lead and almost completely solitary existence, the universe has found it easy to live with.

(2pm on Thursday)
I was pretty tired last night, so left this post unfinished. In the cold (very cold) light of day things look a little cheerier, but only discernible with some sort of high tech measuring device, the name of which escapes me now, oh hang on - a micrometer! (obviously I could have deleted that ramble, but I have to fill these posts somehow!) .

I'm resigned to my lonely fate now, and I don't even believe in fate! (That makes little or no sense)

Since I went out in February (for 2 hours) that means it's almost time for my other night out, ie Christmas.
There was almost zero interest from myself and my colleagues, Ward morale is very low, but I was practically press ganged into attending. I'm still not that keen to be honest.
Now I have to find something in XXL for me to wear - eBay here I come (eventually).

My ipod has packed up. I'm lost without it, but I cannot/will not buy a new one. I've tried everything except formatting it, so I suppose I'll try that then, eh? (but oh the drudgery of putting everything back!)

...and since it is finally payday today (damned five week months) , I splashed out on the True Blood Blu-Ray box set. Why this is important I cannot say.


And to the ever mysterious 'anonymous' , thanks again for your kind comment, and sorry for my belated reply!

“Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.” - Carl Sagan

" Get used to disappointment "

A little explanation - this was written, but not posted , very very late last night (in fact more like very very early this morning). I was very tired (but still didn't get to bed until around 5), and quite upset.
Not in the feeling sorry for myself kind of way though, more total self disgust, although I admit to the casual observer, both states might appear identical.
Things always seem worse in the early hours, and this morning they seem, well actually just as bad.

Look, here's a change, me being brutally honest, with myself.
Everything feels very pointless tonight, even more so than usual. You may have noticed an exchange of comments in an earlier posting, and it's made me think long and hard. My life is not so unusual, many many people are lonely , even in a world of 6 billion and rising. It's just that, well, I suppose I'm a misfit, not unlikable, but unliked. I'm not blaming anyone, I could I suppose (parents?), but let's face it I'm the sole architect of my own destruction, all of them I suspect. And speaking of destruction, maybe (maybe?) I unconsciously sabotage everything I touch, (or maybe not so unconsciously?) To be honest I don't get on well with people (read any previous posting for evidence) , and then I repeatedly bemoan the fact assigning blame to everyone else but me (at least outwardly).

I had a good friend, and I ruined it, totally, completely, and unilaterally. I will always be sorry for that. Your last comment brought into a very sharp focus what a total and complete shit I was / am (excuse the language).

See you all next time I hit the wine I imagine?

“I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road.” - Stephen Hawking

“My reputation grows with every failure.” - George Bernard Shaw

"And how can we win,
When fools can be kings,
Don't waste your time,
Or time will waste you"


Well here you find me, in that most agreeable of states, a bit (a lot) drunk, around midnight, with days off looming. This is the nearest I get to happy, I'm not trying to portray myself as some tortured romantic, I'm just a sad and very lonely middle aged man, who has nothing better to do with his time. The upshot of the wine is that it loosens lips, but unfortunately breeds a certain amount of incoherence too sadly.
Anyone remember that great (if incredibly twee and sentimental) old Christopher Reeve movie 'Somewhere in time'? (fabulous John Barry score by the way...) he falls in love with an old photo (of Jane Seymour no less), and literally wills himself back in time. Well I spent the best part of night with a similar sentiment, wishing I could go back and well have another go, to bring up a super cliche, hindsight is always 20-20, blah, blah, blah.

I accidentally left the heating on all day, consequently it's midnight and 29.4 degrees in my usually chilly dining room. Why this should interest anyone I cannot possibly imagine, but well , as the title states it's my blog, and if anyone ever stops by here well they stay (mostly) silent about it.

Oh how I hate to admit this but I'm toying with the idea of a dating website. I'm not desperate for romance, but friendship would be welcome, and mostly, I cannot abide men, all they want to talk about is sport and how manly they are. Frankly who gives a toss? That's why I enjoy working with Women so much, of the three male colleagues I have only one is heterosexual, and he's my boss. Men always seem to be out to prove something , at least to other Men, it's all false bravado, and essentially hollow statements, and I don't care for that. I'm essentially a loner, but male company bores me. Did I mention I was thinking of joining a dating website (vain attempt to return to a point).

Tonights viewing - Battlestar Galactica 'The Plan' straight to video movie. To be honest, I was disappointed, it had it's moments, but to be honest it was just a clip show, albeit of clips you had never seen before. Dean Stockwell was superb, some of the effects were a little iffy, there was one shot of Lucy Lawless, but there was no sense of coherence, sadly, and the sum of the parts did not equal more than the whole, or however that saying goes.
There was some lovely shots of Vancouver however (here he goes again ...)

On the upside 'True Blood' is still wonderful ...

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” - George Bernard Shaw

“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for ME.” - Mitch Hedberg

"At the age of thirty-seven she realised she'd never;
Ride through paris in a sports car with the warm wind in her hair."

Billie stayed over last night. In what is now our Saturday night routine, she watched X-Factor (ugh!) online, simultaneously on facebook, messenger and her phone, whilst I watched hi definition, 10ft pictures. This led to a (mostly one sided, ie me) chat on what technology I was using when I was her age (er, 1978 for those that are interested. 3 TV channels, one TV in the house, not even a video, and no phone until 1981 !( which partially explains my total lack of interest in mobiles, well that and having no friends anyway). I spent all of my time listening to Radio 4 and going to the library (to borrow books, not just for the sake of the trip - oh and reading them too, oh pedantic reader). Sounding ever more pathetic, but frankly not caring, Christmas 1978, my main present was a calculator! Blimey Charley! I could go on and probably will some time...

Yet another 13 hour shift tomorrow!

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” - Groucho Marx

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.” - George Carlin

“She gave me eyes, she gave me ears;
And humble cares, and delicate fears;
A heart, the fountain of sweet tears;
And love and thought and joy.”

The theme of today is tiredness. I seem to be yo-yoing between insomnia and exhaustion. I don't think I have true insomnia, as it seems to follow no set pattern or predictability. And as for exhaustion, I'm putting that down completely to age, for like it or not, I am (aging that is), and a 13 hour shift preceded by a few early shifts is tiring for anyone, isn't it?.
Last night, after work, I had planned to stay up late, watch a film, listen and read. Predictably I soon found my self fast asleep (although obviously I had to wake up first to find myself asleep, if you see!) in front of the computer long before I'd done anything and crawled off to bed to sleep very soundly (and if I had any bad dreams, I simply don't remember).

I really have to do something to break the monotony! I have nothing to write about here, because I have nothing to write about anywhere. You could say that my swinging moods, disturbed sleep, bad dreams, and apathy, are all symptoms of depression, that may be so, but they are also symptoms of extreme boredom (no they're are not, but go on admit it, you believed me for a second or two, didn't you?).

Goodnight...

“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that ...”

“Every goodbye is the birth of a memory.” - Dutch Proverb

"Take me out tonight,
Because I want to see people and I
Want to see life"

As the song says "didn't get to bed last night", well kind of. I fell asleep in front of the TV around 1am, and woke up at 3.30. then of course I couldn't get back to sleep, so I gave up and just stayed up all night. It's been a while since I was awake at that point where late night becomes early morning. All very poetic, but consequently I feel like hell now ! (and it's a 13 hour shift tomorrow!)

I did get to watch the first three episodes of 'True Blood' though and what a show it is. It reminded me of a little 'American Gothic' mixed in with a bit of 'Six Feet Under' (of course). I've a feeling that I'll watch the whole first season very quickly!

I suppose I should go to bed?

“How do people go to sleep? I'm afraid I've lost the knack. I might try busting myself smartly over the temple with the nightlight. I might repeat to myself, slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound; if I can remember” - Dorothy Parker

“Of all the liars in the world, sometimes the worst are your own fears” - Rudyard Kipling

Happy Thanksgiving Day Canada!

You know, to be honest, I'm the last person who needs a blog. I have no friends, no social life, hardly any original thoughts, no really strong opinions, and I'm too lazy to be really passionate about anything. What have I got to say?
On the (slightly) upside, I suppose it is cathartic, at least a little.

Yesterday, I foolishly said a few home truths to one of the Matrons at work, and upon arriving today I got a reprimand from my Charge Nurse, who had received an e-mail about my attitude! me of all people. I'm certainly not a trouble maker, and the funny thing is , everyone, bar none, who was present, agreed with all I said. Of course no one said so actually at the time!

I'm still having bad dreams. I woke up this morning and tried to hang on to a few images from them. We all know how frustrating that is, vainly clinging to an alternative reality, that is almost always, if not better, than at least more interesting than the 'real' one. It's only a matter of time before technology and dreams collide, and will we then ever want to leave? I doubt it.

(re-reading the title of my last post, I actually did have an haircut last week, that six monthly event so soon? With my long hair and big full beard I was starting to resemble Robinson Crusoe on his day off! the cut wasn't a complete disaster, but maybe once, just once I should pay the big bucks for a decent cut!)

After a smashing opener, I must say that Dexter , Season 4, has taken a bit of a downturn. His suburban life is so cloying, not only for the character , but the viewer. Overall it's a little dull, here's hoping the lot of them get bumped off later in the run.

I so regret not going away somewhere on my recent time off. I'm making a vow to go away for a few days the next time I'm off. It has got to be either Scotland, or maybe Belfast, let's wait and see,

I'm feeling incredibly lonely tonight.

“The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more important to do.”

“Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts.” - Jim Morrison

"When day is done and shadows fall,
I dream of you."

I'm just off to bed. I just wanted to say something, nothing in particular, just something. Speaking off bed, I've had a few troubled nights sleep. Not insomnia this time, I've been going to bed tired alright, but bad dreams! At least I think that's the trouble,I know I've been getting up feeling unrested and troubled. Remember how I sleep with the radio on due to my tinnitus? well the programmes seem to have been influencing the contents of my dreams too!

It's gotten really cold at last, hasn't it? I had to bite the proverbial bullet and put the central heating on, another yearly rite de passage!

Mini rant - I watched the "GI Joe" movie tonight and it was, to be brief, dreadful.
To be less brief, one review said it should be renamed "CGI Joe", and that about sums it up. Characters that struggled to creep up to one dimension and so very very cliched (comedy black hero side kick anyone? emotionally repressed hot geek, crusty general with a heart of gold, no nonsense military man who comes to grudgingly respect the new upstart) Villianess redeemed by love (and apparently mind controlled until the denouement!). So-so special effects (I've seen better PlayStation games), hardly any dialogue (and what there was written by dyslexic robots, reading from a book of movie cliches), totally lacking in charm motivations signposted with the biggest signs ever erected, predictable plot, banal 'action' sequences. a little irony and knowing humour, more 'real' effects, and it would have been passable.
I could go on, but the film doesn't deserve any more discussion. What was Christopher Ecclestone thinking? (a clue it's green, it folds and it rhymes with 'funny'). It makes the Transformers sequel look like Citizen Kane. Enough, no more...

“Whoever controls the media, controls the mind” - Jim Morrison

Easy keepin the castle that's no besieged.

“Nothing, like something, happens anywhere.”

"Oh I stood there and cried,
And watched love fade away,
I saw an angel die,
My heart died too that day"

After a relatively (for a sloth like me anyway) slew of posts, a few quiet days. Why? a few days of wining dining and the high life? well hardly, come on it's ME you're talking about (rather rudely if I may say so!). Well work was busy, I slept a lot, I've developed at least one new pain (right knee, by the way). Plus I've had my days off. I love my days off, I see Billie, I drink wine, and I watch movies, on my wonderful 10ft screen (really, that projector is the best thing I've ever bought!). For the first time in a long while, I haven't had that gnawing despondency in the pit of my stomach. who knows what this means, theorise away by all means, I'd like to hear your theories (by the way, if there is anybody there, and there seems to be at least a couple of you, I love your comments, I wonder if I will finally succumb to Facebook? strangely in this day, it's the non member who is the outsider, and apparently I enjoy that? apparently).
I don't feel happy today, but I certainly don't feel sad.

I bought 10 vinyl albums today. Best of all was the Glenn Campbell / Bobbie Gentry album, in super condition for 10p, yes, 10p .
Later, I lay on the living room floor ,head on a cushion by the speakers, in the total darkness, and listened. I'd really forgotten the warmth (a cliche , but so, so true) of vinyl, and the nostalgia was almost overwhelming.

Don't fret, I'll be miserable again tomorrow!

David Marciano in this weeks House! and Playing a Canadian! Superb in-joke casting? (if you get the reference you are truly a friend!).

(damn , just realised I forgot to record True Blood, what an idiot!)

(I watched this yesterday, very funny. Isuppose best decribed as a French Austin Powers but actually a wonderfully authentic recreation / pastiche of the early Connery Bonds / late 50s cold war thrillers - and a sequel on blu ray soon)


“I think writing about unhappiness is probably the source of my popularity, if I have any-after all, most people are unhappy, don't you think?” - Philip Larkin

"Him that lauchs alane will mak sport in company"

"And I'd been the shadow
Of your shadow "

Well, as predicted, returning to work was like slipping on an old shoe, albeit one with a few sharp stones in it. As I've said many times before, being back makes me appreciate all that wasted time so much more.
It's been a long time since I had any real friends, and I spend so much time alone, that it is becoming far too comfortable. There was a ward night out last night, the food was even subsidised, but I had no real interest in going. I had a bit of a cold , so I spun that up into an excuse not to be there. I really do seem to enjoy my own company far too much, but I cannot tell if that is a defense mechanism, or how I really feel. Never mind, I'm sure I'll return to this topic again and again. Despite my braggadocio, I do get lonely, and often. I have no outlet at all to talk about the things I like. In considering I have no social life, and have not had a grown up conversation for at least 18 months, I am surprisingly well adjusted.
I'll stop there because this usually leads me in only one direction, and I'll end up feeling worse than I already do.

My first 13 hour shift for over a month tomorrow, whoop de woo!

Goodnight.

I suspect these guy were also the 'Banana Splits'

"Every man's tale's guid till anither's tauld."