Funny how your emotions can change like the flip of a coin. Or is it just me? I've had a bit of an emotional trip today. (By which I mean a trip of the emotions not a bus ride that made me cry!) I don't want to go over the same old stuff yet again (er, why not, it's your stock in trade after all?) but there are several triggers which start any negative feelings, and if you've read this blog before you can probably guess most of them. I suppose being aware of this could be the first step to conquering them, but you know me (at least in passing), my lethargy even extends to the mental world. Essentially I have no real beliefs or opinions, lots of self loathing, no motivation, pessimism to spare, and sarcasm in abundance. Strangely though I am quite a nice person, I think. Rambling a go-go?
"The past is filled with silent joys and broken toys, laughing girls and teasing boys,"
I've been so tired for the past few weeks. I don't know whether it's those years of insomnia finally catching up with me, the heat, an attempt to escape from the world, my medication, or just sheer bloody laziness, who cares? All I know is I've been nodding off in the middle of the day, nodding off in the evening, well basically I've been doing a lot of nodding of the off variety.
Where was I?
Oh, I had my 'telephone triage' call from a CPN last week, and she was very surprised at the high dose of medication my GP had started me on, very very surprised indeed. The upshot is an apparent explanation for the horrendous side effects. I've now started a lower dose now, and already feel a bit more human (although, once again, that may be a placebo effect?). I also have to attend a 'course' for six weeks, dealing with various mental health issues, to be honest I'm dreading it!
I should really mention that I still haven't returned to work, I am going back later this week however. I don't really feel quite ready for it, but surely the longer I'm off the harder it will become to finally return (but of course my stomach turns over at the mere thought of it).
Apart from the aforementioned sleeping, I cannot quite recall how I've spent these past few weeks. I've seen quite a bit of Billie, which has certainly helped me feel a little cheerier.
I have watched a boatload of 'Seinfeld' DVDs, initially to cheer me up but then I challenged myself to watch all nine seasons again (nearly there!). Surely the best sitcom of them all !
See! an upbeat ending. See you in two weeks?
"I feel like my old self again. Neurotic, paranoid, totally inadequate, completely insecure. It's a pleasure. " - George Costanza
"Why don't you get back into bed? Why don't you get back into bed?"
It's two weeks since my last post, for crying out loud! For once this wasn't due to lack of content (although that surely helped), no I've spent the last fortnight impersonating (quite accurately) a queasy zombie. Sadly all due to medication? (plus the power of suggestion, I imagine). Thankfully some of the physical symptoms have begun to fade (sadly not the nausea and sleep disturbances, well at least not yet), and there was plenty to choose from. I've been shuffling around the house like a background artiste in 'Cuckoos Nest'. As I stated previously (I think) the downs aren't so bad now, but the price (I think) is the lack of highs. Everything is pretty much flat and uninteresting, but at least the very dark thoughts seem to have vanished. I missed one tablet last week, and the next day I already began to experience withdrawal symptoms, scary eh? Hopefully I'll get back to work this week, a thought that is simultaneously exciting and terrifying, what fun!
“I just read this great science fiction story. It's about how machines take control of humans and turn them into zombie slaves! . . . HEY! What time is it?? My TV show is on!” - Calvin and Hobbes
My head's in a spin, literally. Well, obviously not literally! I'm not Linda Blair, but the medication I'm taking is making me very light headed/fuzzy/hot , and not in a fun way! I almost got back to work today, but experienced something akin to a panic attack / hot flush combo this morning. The side effects are making me feel awful, the 'cure' is almost worse than the disease! Consequently it's back to see my (admittedly very nice) GP tomorrow. No doctors seen in six years, then three times in a month, albeit with the same complaint. I hope he tells me all these side effects will fade, I shall refrain from detailing the others, but they are legion!
In summary - I'm a physical and emotional wreck at the moment, it might be a good time to borrow some money from me! Nothing, even trivial, to discuss, as nothing seems interesting at the moment. I'm finding (surely a symptom) no pleasure in anything over the past few days. However I'm not letting myself get into a complete mess, so I've been forcing myself out of the house everyday, come rain or shine (actually yesterday, I didn't leave the house at all, but I see that as more of a blip?)
Thanks to my now sadly not needed Canada/USA dialling plan I've been able to speak to Billie almost as much as normal, since I can ring her hotel as much as I like at no cost (actually whilst checking out my phone plan online, I came across Andrea's phone number from back in the day, for a moment or two I was very very tempted to ring her) so that's nice, isn't it?
Back soon, I imagine.
(I have their best of compilation and it is utterly fantastic, in a depressing, weird, psychedelic way)
“There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man” - Groucho Marx
Funny how your emotions can change like the flip of a coin. Or is it just me?
