"Teeth to the left of me! Gums to the right of me! I tell you I can't stand it! I'm going *mad*!"

Hello there, it's your old happy go lucky friend here, or someone.
Damn it ! I broke my own 'post once a week; rule, simply because I forgot to (post that is), and probably because the banality is boring me, never mind you, whoever you are (again you are probably me, if you see?).
Simply put, nothings happened (this isn't strictly true, of course. the world is still in a terrible state, and real tragedies occur every few seconds, but this is my blog after all , and I am very selfish). Well, apart from my mental state having all the predictability of a roulette ball (i.e. none). some days I'm feeling relatively normal, others (last Thursday and Friday for instance) it's all I can do to step outside the house (in fact getting out of bed only through physical necessity, er if you see, my toilet is a LONG way from my bedroom).Old news I know, but I'm afraid it's nothing but repeats these days.

I felt very bored today, which is a good sign I think. A few weeks ago I couldn't even summon up the mental energy to be bored, so that's er, good? isn't it?

...and that is our great reward for being the Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen!

"Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong" - Oscar Wilde

I thought that last post might have led to a response, oh well...

Warning, this post continues in the downward, dullard trend of, well, the last two years or so...


I'm still not back at work, if you are wondering (I know that I was!).
My GP gave me another MONTH ( a month! blimey!) off, but I really don't intend to take it all, though never say never.
I had hoped any recovery would be an upward curve, sadly that's not the case. In fact it's more like one of those super bouncy balls, but one that can defy the laws of physics (i.e. suddenly regain momentum). One day I can feel relatively normal, and later that very same day, well the polar opposite ( I know everyone experiences this to some degree, I'm just feeling sorry for myself, as usual).
Quite often recently I've found myself just lying on the living room floor (when I say found, I mean I consciously lay down, not a 'how did I get here?' type of situation, if you see), or just sitting in my computer chair, doing absolutely nothing, for hours (er, not even using the computer).

In short , I wouldn't trust myself back at work, especially regarding dispensing medications, and I'd probably just fall asleep anyway!
In fact my tiredness is getting worse. Yesterday I went to my Mothers for what is now a daily visit, and fell asleep for the whole 3 or so hours I was there. I came home and fell asleep again. I went to bed at 10.30pm. The last time I did that I was probably in short trousers (I wasn't, of course, but you get my meaning). It's only midday now, and I already feel shattered. It could simply be boredom, and since I have nothing to physically tire me it probably is (combined with my bittersweet medication).
Sorry, I really have nothing else to write about at the moment. My usual preoccupations, shopping, complaining about work etc , are obviously not very prevalent at the moment. I haven't even watched much TV this week (well, after I finished 'breaking bad' of course).

Back soon...

“Even were sleep is concerned, too much is a bad thing.” - Homer

“Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts.” - Jim Morrison (again)

Well hello there Anonymous!
In all sincerity, it's really really good to know you are still out there! Thanks for your kind words.
How are things with you? Good I hope?

As you've probably noticed, I tend now to post only once a week, more out of old habits than necessity to be honest.
However your comment could not be ignored, in fact It made me feel a little (a lot) better, enough to ramble just a bit ( a lot) more...

(so here we welcome back one of my favourite topics of old)

If you'd seen me on Sunday gone, you could have easily mistaken me for Robinson Crusoe, but only after he'd let himself go a bit (a lot). My last haircut was in January, and despite my recent resolve, I hadn't shaved in more than two weeks. Combined with the torn and ragged shapeless 'clothes' I favour these day (joke, mostly) . I resembled a sort of more lethargic 'Dude' (as in 'The Big Lebowski'), but with a tad less self consciousness.

Yesterday I thought I'd get an haircut in preparation for returning to work. So I did. Later that day however, Billie told me it was a little lopsided, and a quick check in the mirror indeed revealed a little Phil Oakeyish asymmetry going on, only a little mind.
So I popped back to the barber today, She was very apologetic as you can imagine. Sadly the relopped longer side was just the perfect length, ho hum.
In relating the story to my Mam today, she informed me that she had noticed too, but didn't want to upset me by actually telling me, typical of my Mam!

Billie and I watched 'The Breakfast Club' today, amazingly I had never seen it before. I'm a bit too old to 'love it' but Billie thought it was fantastic, she especially raved about Antony Michael Hall. We love watching 80s movies together (especially Ferris Bueller) so next time it's 'St Elmos Fire' (which I also never got around to seeing, back 'in the day'!). See that was a nice ending eh?
Don't expect this level of upbeatitude next time!
Bye...

“You're only has good as your last haircut.” - Fran Lebowitz

“Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?”

"Hide on the promenade,
Etch a postcard :
"How I Dearly Wish I Was Not Here""


I hate Sundays, really hate them, especially Sunday mornings, which is where I currently am. These past few weeks have been a blur, but not the 'wasn't that exciting' kind of blur, more the 'what? still here?' variety. Days became weeks, and before weeks become months something has to change.

I've resolved to return to work this week, my GP told me that maybe he should have just given me a note for two months straight, and that probably would have been better, allowing me to put work related worries on the mental back burner (what a very long and dull sentence that was!).

What have I been up to then? Not much. I continue to force myself outside everyday (except yesterday when my dressing gown never came off and nary a door did I cross! It can't all be an upward trajectory!
The side effects continue to diminish, but the weather combined with flushes means one hot and bothered Billy.
I have hardly bought any music recently, which, for me at least, is strange. For the past couple of years I've been buying CDs on an almost daily basis. The urge has gone though, (along with many others! ) is it just the medication?I still listen to music, a lot of it, but the thrill of scouring Amazon Marketplace for the one penny CD, browsing eBay, or rummaging through my favourite second hand shop, has just ebbed away.

I still feel very lonely and bored, but it just doesn't seem to matter as much any more. I've said it on several occasions, I know, but the biggest effect of the medication seems to be a bit of zombiefication. However it's preferable to the way I felt, just a few short weeks ago. I was at the edge, but now I'm on the picturesque bench that overlooks the edge (i.e. still close, but sitting comfortably, probably with an overpriced ice cream)
I finished my 'Seinfeld' marathon, and replaced it with a new one. I've had 3 series of 'Breaking Bad' waiting for a while now, and already I'm into season 3! It really is that compulsive. although the situation is, I imagine, a little far fetched, and hardly a laugh a minute, its fantastic escapist entertainment. Several episodes have left me feeling genuinely upset, and for someone else for a change!

Anyway more navel gazing, and sentences starting with 'I' soon (I hope)...

“I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.” - Tom Lehrer

“More and more, it feels like I'm doing a really bad impersonation of myself.” - Chuck Palahniuk

Tonight, I can't sleep. I've given it a go but I just don't feel tired (although it's only 1.30 - in the bad old insomnia days this was still very early!). Why is this interesting, well it's not, but I have been bemoaning nodding off at random moments. Maybe that was just a passing phase too? or maybe there's something on my mind.

I've been up and down this week, but I think the trend is for the positive. If all goes well, I shall be back at work in a few days.
I feel like less of a zombie too, but sadly still so very very unmotivated. (Actually I did do a smidge of diy today, but in truth only because of a delivery coming tomorrow, er later today).

I wish I had something concrete to write about but the last few weeks have been like emerging from a fog. This lacking (of actual events) would have bothered me a whole lot more prior to my new found chemically enhanced state of mind.
I was bemoaning the fact that only chemistry was keeping me 'sane' but as my Brother pointed out to me, maybe it was only a chemical imbalance in the first place, one that's now in check. Who really cares? I'm feeling a lot better.
(My mind has been repeatedly wandering to all things Canadian recently...)

“Many things--such as loving, going to sleep, or behaving unaffectedly--are done worst when we try hardest to do them.” - C.S. Lewis

(the bottom of my street 1933)

“I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one” - Mark Twain

Happy
Canada
Day!