“Everyone can walk on water if it is cold enough.” - Loesje

"Love is not a victory march,
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah"

Well I've bitten the bullet, and turned on the central heating, breaking my 'not before October' rule!
Two reasons, it's bloody freezing, and I feel so down, that I actually need to feel physically comfy cozy (a hug would also work).
I called in at my Mams earlier, and actually had to have a blanket around me (she can't afford the central heating either - but it was only me feeling cold).
I only had a few hours sleep last night, so I feel like a chilly zombie (is it a cocktail?).

(plus -  I keep running upstairs to see if the mysterious leak is getting better or worse!)

“The longer you wait for the future, the shorter it will be”

 

 

“Beware of little expenses; a small leak will sink a great ship.” - Benjamin Franklin

Billie stayed over last night, although I didn't pick her up until 11pm (she was asleep by midnight, and gone by 9.30am this morning). At 2am she rang me (I was still up, obviously) to ask for a pair of bed socks (I ask you!). By the time I got up there she was asleep again, but in the dark I found myself standing in something wet! A small pool of water in the middle of her room was revealed - but mysteriously no knocked over glasses of water, no obvious leak from the ceiling, or leaking pipes, no obvious cause at all. 

My only conclusion is that since the water was directly below the light fitting, maybe the water was trickling down, ninja style, from an external leak in the flat roof, it was very wet and windy last night. 

Hopefully my brother, Frank, can clamber up there tomorrow and advise. Yet another leak in the roof? Worse yet something else for this nutcase to fret over...

That was my Friday night.

“A small key opens big doors.” - Turkish Proverb

In a rare moment of lucidity, I noticed a key on my keyring, and realised I've no idea where of what it fits (yes this is the most interesting thing to happen to me today).

“To want to forget something is to think of it” - French Proverb

Poor me, I've actually been quite unwell the past few days (aw!). As I breath it sounds like someone sawing wood. Since I'm not coughing anything up, I can only assume it's not an infection. I did have asthma (or as we called it back then - bronchitis) as a child, it just seemed to vanish when I was about 20, isn't that nice? I've got all the other symptoms of a man cold too, fancy. I haven't left the house for a few days, except to pick up Billie for an overnight stay. I honestly think her once weekly sleepovers are the only thing keeping me sane!

Another health problem? My already very poor night vision seems to have deteriorated further recently. I had it all tested, with some rather Heath Robinson diagnostic tests (which included electrodes under my eyelids, and my head being placed into what amounts to a plastic bucket!), quite a few years ago, but there's no actual treatment for it.  Consequently I try to avoid driving at night (Don't fret though - I'm okay as long as there are street lights).

I have a doctors appointment in about 8 hours so I better go to bed, I suppose...

“We were basically one and the same, although Jim was just about perfect, and, of course, I am perfect.” -William Shatner

“I have an unfortunate personality.” - Orson welles

Hello.
We went to see Toy Story 3 (finally!) today.
Billie had already seen it the week it came out, with her Mother - well played ex-wife!. 

I made the foolish mistake that week of seeing Inception with her. Whilst a very very good film (though maybe not the instant classic everyone says it is) it bored her terribly bad choice Dad!

Toy Story was the first (complete) film I've seen in 3D (I know, I'm so far behind the times!)and I loved it (though to be honest it would have been just as good in 2D). I just hope they can resist a fourth film, please leave it as a trilogy...

From where I sit I can see my very own Jessie , Woody and Buzz. The latter two I bought in Disney World before Toy Story 2 was even released, and Jessie technically belongs to Billie, she's just 'resting' here. Sadly the batteries in Buzz died years ago, but the other two can still produce a squeaky phrase when their string is pulled.
Billie was in one of her non-communicative teenage moods, but it was so good to see her. As she gets older I sense my gradual transition from necessity to periphery (as a parent).

Today has been okay...

As for tomorrow?

“We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.” - Orson Welles

“Chins without beards deserve no honor.” - Spanish Proverb

Late night/early morning, and in lieu of someone to actually talk to - a blog posting. 

I've nothing much to say, well nothing I haven't said a hundred (maybe eighty?) times before. I had a dreadful day (emotionally - I didn't go anywhere or do anything), something approaching the despair I recently experienced, but with a whole lot of the hopelessness and regret that's characterised these last few months mixed in, cocktail style. 

Everything I do or contemplate has no consequence or importance (seemingly), to me or perhaps most annoyingly anyone else. I feel I could walk over wet concrete without leaving an impression.

A slight draft has more impact than me. 

I'm just feeling sorry for myself I know, and of course, objectively, I probably have or had all the solutions to hand, if only I'd been able to overcome my terminal lethargy (or is simply laziness?). Like some low budget time traveller, I dwell on the past (I suppose you can't really dwell on the future? maybe you ponder it?) more and more and more. Sorry those last couple of sentences were shockingly incoherent and directionless (remind you of anyone?) , and I haven't been drinking (much).

I have a feeling it's going to be one of those sleepless nights. As soon as I finish typing this rubbish I'm off to watch some escapist nonsense on TV. 

Two days later - I came back to this post  to add the usual quotes and pictures. The self pity and misplaced teenage angst, made me ponder deleting it, but obviously I didn't - duh! 

A quote in last nights 'Mad Men' (season 4 episode 8, by the way) really resonated with me. I've previously never associated myself with Don Draper in any way at all (obviously!) , but his line (I paraphrase),

"if you have to think about cutting down your drinking, you are already drinking too much" 

made me laugh and frown at the same time (is that possible? - I've just tried it, and it is). 

Whilst I am not really at the problem drinking stage (yet - I think) these past few months, looking forward to a glass of wine of an evening has become an almost daily routine / obsession. The giddy silliness that it induces is a pleasantly change to the standard issue maudlin / gloomy mood, I usually find myself in. Of course there's an easily crossable line that one more glass may cause me to , er, cross. On the other side of that line is miserable introspection, regret and even more depression - thankfully I've only visited a few times. Tonight finds me still very low, but thankfully not as when I started this post, where whilst not suicidal, I could certainly recall some of its apparent appeal.

I did stay up very very late on Saturday, watching TV in lieu of sleep, by the way.

“Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.” - George Bernard Shaw

“The best way to become boring is to say everything.” - Voltaire

I'm so very bored (and boring?). Recently time has, paradoxically, seemed to be passing quickly and simultaneously painfully slowly, I don't quite understand that sentence , so make of it what you will.

Thinking about my exciting lifestyle, I really should feel a lot more lonely than I do at the moment. 

I've bemoaned here at length about 'isolation' and so forth, but the past few weeks, it's felt like less of a problem. Don't get me wrong, company would be most welcome, but the lack of it seems to be bothering me less and less. It's probably just a psychological coping mechanism. Tomorrow I'll probably feel the complete opposite.

It seems to be a Saturday, I might get dressed and go out ?

 (I didn't)

Nice pastiche!

“Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.” - Voltaire

“The heart was made to be broken” - Oscar Wilde

My other 'brother  in law' had a heart attack today, that's both of them  in one year. 

I, in a bizarre coincidence (is there any other type?) was in the hospital attending a meeting with my Matron and Charge Nurse (over which much sleep was lost and agitation expended by yours truly). It was all over and I was slowly shuffling down a corridor when over my ipod I heard someone calling my name, which turned out to be my Sister. She was in floods of tears, and around a couple of corners was her partner on a trolley, all dripped and oxygenated, on his way to the CCU. Fancy that.

I'd hardly slept last night, worrying about my meeting. More disjointed and illogical nightmares, and I was up at the crack of the proverbial. But enough about me, well maybe a bit more. I'm in the prime demographic and apart from having never smoked, have all the key risk factors for a heart attack. A few months ago, wanting to die, I probably would have welcomed it. But now I'm not so sure (I'm lying, I absolutely do not want to die just yet, things have to get more interesting soon, don't they?) . Time for bed...

I've suddenly started playing all my old k.d. Lang CDs again, this may be my favourite song of hers. Can you believe she's almost 50 (and she's not the only one! - er, not me btw).

“I love talking about nothing. It is the only thing I know anything about.” -  Oscar Wilde