“Bad is called good when worse happens” - Norwegian Proverb

Having a constant headache finally drove me to action, a little one at least, namely an optician appointment on Wednesday.

My attempt to stay up really really late last night was scuppered, mostly by being at work for around 14 hours yesterday, combined with being an out of shape middle aged man, I woke up, somewhat bewildered, in front of the computer around 2.30am , and somehow managed to get myself to bed. 
Rather cruelly, I woke up at 8am this morning and couldn't get back to sleep.
So I'm sitting here, almost literally killing time until I go to work tonight, wide awake but also completely knackered.
I really can't explain my awful relationship (make up your own jokes) with night shift, and I'd like to. All I need to (apparently continually) say is I dread it, almost to the point of inaction (although casual observers would not notice any difference to my normal behaviour). I don't know how it started, it's enough that it did. The one good thing is, when it's over, I actually feel quite uplifted (but let's not get carried away, it's just a temporary aberration)

More importantly, I dreamt of Barbara again last night. You'd really think that I'd have stopped all that by now, wouldn't you? But for I haven't, make of that what you will.
It seems all my dreams are dominated by two overarching themes now , namely  'decay' and 'regret' , (potential Nine Inch Nails album title?). Where are all those fun dreams I used to have? eh? eh?

Time to iron a uniform...

“A man grows most tired while standing still.” - Chinese Proverb

“More and more, it feels like I'm doing a really bad impersonation of myself.”

I'll soon reach post number 730! That means it's only around 365 posts since I mentioned I was nearly at post 365, if you see what I mean. In short you could read two posts a day for a whole year and not run out (except maybe the will to live) ! That's very nearly a pamphlet, if a hard copy existed, which thankfully, it doesn't.

As I tweeted about 60 seconds ago, I've still got a headache. It's lasted around four months, which is exactly how long I've been wearing these damn varifocals. I really wish I'd never bothered.

Billies house has a 'For Sale' up, imagine how delighted 'Mr. Insecure' was to see that (I mean me, I hope you realise - you did didn't you? eh?).

It looks like a new car is so far off the menu, it's on, well, another menu, in another restaurant, probably in another time zone. At least for now - evil laugh! Actually maybe three or four months, want that vagueing up a bit more?

Monday night, my absolute favourite thing - Night Shift! I shall say no more about it except there was a major lie in that last sentence. Can you guess what it was?

I finally had to bite the bullet, and put on the central heating tonight - in September!

Billie stayed over tonight. Sadly all we did was her homework. That's because Saturday she has yet another party, and Sunday, watching a football match (ugh!). Sadly Dad time comes a distant third, but I'd happily be third than not placed at all...

“We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens.” - Chuck Palahniuk

“I have an unfortunate personality.”” - Orson Welles

Humbug, I'm feeling extra grumpy, supremely  disconnected (what's new?) and at odds with the whole darn world tonight. Earlier this week I found out from Billie that her Mams Boyfriend and his Daughter are already living with them. What bothers me most about that, irrationally I'll admit (hey, that's one of my, many, middle names), is that I hardly get to see Billie, these teenage days, and now someone I don't even know is, well, seeing her more than me, just jealousy I suppose, another of my talents (or is it envy?)

I need a new car and I really like the Nissan Cube. Sadly Billie hates them, and threatened to never get in if I get one, clumsy sentence but true. I imagine that her need for a lift would eventually force her in, but I respect her wishes enough to have to think twice now. Actually that should be think thrice, as I was already wondering how I was going to afford , the already second-hand, car. If I were to get the car my chances of a holiday (or indeed food) would be low to zero, for the next few years, so maybe she's doing me a favour. 

Re-reading those two paragraphs has made me feel better - they're complete tripe. I'm being a selfish, self righteous prig, as usual. I really should lighten up , and maybe just maybe get out of the house once in a while...

“The enemy of society is middle class and the enemy of life is middle age.” - (More) Orson Welles

"How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this world."

I hope I can crawl my way out of this one. I woke up actually feeling worse than last night. My stomach feels like it's washing rocks on a slow spin cycle. I don't feel especially unwell, at least physically, just bleak, forgotten, and quite pointless (maybe unnecessary is a better word?).
I know, I'm quite pathetic, and not in the demanding sympathy sense, but it's  my post, and I'll cry if I want to!

Now it's off to work, it doesn't cheer me up as such, but I can put 'this' on the back burner for a few hours whilst I'm cleaning commodes...

“Anyone who works is a fool. I don't work - I merely inflict myself upon the public.” - Robert Morley

I drove down a rarely travelled (at least by me) road today. 

Since I last passed that way, a school had been demolished, and was obviously being developed for housing. When I was still married, I could see this school in the distance from my bedroom window, but that isn't the important part of my rambling. It suddenly popped into my head that I'd been in that school before. It was over 20 years ago, when I was a Student Nurse, and I followed a Community Nurse around for a few weeks. I was a lot thinner and had a huge quiff. I must have looked quite amusing to the pupils, they followed me around and called me 'Mr Nurse' as if it was the funniest thing ever. It probably was. I was a much nicer person then, before the first of several rots set in.

You once again find me in quite a foul mood. Apart from the usual mental illness issues, I am stony broke,and my beloved projector has packed in again. Furthermore I'm feeling spectacularly alone and isolated, especially these past few days (which I like to call my days off). The only time I saw Billie this week (and now it'll be the only time I see her) was a 10 minute lift to a party last night, and the return trip this morning. Now as is her wont, she's away again on a trip, and then back to School next week. What a Summer we've had together. You're more likely to see me smiling than I am to see her, ie, not very much at all.

I know, I know...

I've got their one album, and it's really really good...

“We are like butterflies who flutter for a day and think its forever.” -Carl Sagan

 

“If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up.” - Hunter S Thompson

He hadn't written a single word!
Well apart from these, obviously. In a nutshell, nothings happened. Billies gone away again, and reports she can't get any phone reception, figure that one out!

I apparently can't even get drunk , as this empty bottle, and bad mood attests.

This post doen't even warrant a youtube link...

“Love sought is good, but given unsought, is better”

I really should have expanded that last entry, it didn't quite say what I wanted, at least not fully. 

I seem to be sliding backwards a long long way down whatever metaphor you are mentally conjuring up. Even Billie, who usually doesn't mention my mental state, commented today, prompting this addendum (is that the right word?). 

I'm almost embarrassed to go back to work tomorrow. From the point of view of those people out the other day, I was rejecting them by going home so early (or not). They probably didn't realise the anxiety and discomfort I was feeling, I just wanted to escape back to my comfort zone, which I suppose is the very seat I'm sitting in right now.

Like many things (one very important one in particular) , I could probably rationalise and almost fully explain my strange actions, but fear of vulnerability stops me short of laying my soul completely bare here, I merely hint enough to jog my memory at some far far future date (welcome visitor from tomorrow!). 

Put simply, I'm a depressive misanthropic shut-in borderline alcoholic (hey! I can see the border from here!).

Billie stayed with me the last couple of nights, actually the first time I've seen her in three weeks (she's been abroad again!). Her Mother was away again. She didn't 'go with' so she could see me, how nice!

I forgot to mention that her Mother is now in a serious relationship. This doesn't bother me as such, everyone deserves to be happy. No what troubled me for a few weeks (and obviously still circles the niggling camp), was the imminent house selling and moving in together. It'll feel strange collecting my Daughter from 'someone elses' house, someone who actually sees more of her than me. It's simple child like jealousy of course, but it's one of the things I'm best at!

Rereading, this still doesn't fully convey what I want to say. Listen if you're really interested, call round later in the week and I'll tell ya' all about it. 

In the section I like to call 'Inevitable News' it's the time of year where I ruminate and plan a holiday, and it doesn't happen. I've two weeks off in October, I can probably scrape together enough cash for a trip, somewhere! I recall a 'top tip' in Viz a long time ago, something along the lines of 'planning a holiday is half the fun, so this year I'm planning two and saving the money!' Think of all the cash I've saved!

More depressing minutiae soon, I imagine...

I was really looking for 'Canada In Springtime' , maybe my favourite Free Design song...

“Society is no comfort to one not sociable.” - William Shakespeare