“Payday came and with it beer” - Rudyard Kipling

In an insignificant street, in an insignificant city, tucked away in the corner of a hum-drum country , our chilly hero sits and types.

Of course the car sailed through it's test, but on the very day I was without transport it poured, reminiscent of the deluge. I did another foolish thing - I wore a wool coat that I have had for ages, but never worn, and it seems that was reason enough for those ancient gods ,who monitor and make such mischief, to wet themselves chuckling! (no car + wearing a a wool coat + rain = very wet and soggy Billy)

It's payday tomorrow - hooray, but by the curse of the direct debit will leave me just enough for maybe a take away and a couple of DVDs, what more could a man want? However I was reading on Reddit.com that of the approx. 6,120,000,000 people in the world, I'm earning more than 6 billion of them (do forgive me if those figures aren't exactly right), so I suppose that puts me in some kind of elite! yippee!

Remember I mentioned that sickness interview I have coming up at work? you don't? oh - well anyway, every time I sneeze, ache, twinge, spasm, or cough, I can't help worrying that it will develop into some terrible illness, and the rules will mean I'll have to crawl into work , barely alive, and grinning through gritted teeth - brave little soldier!

“The cool thing about being famous is traveling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff.” - Britney Spears

“I beheld the wretch - the miserable monster whom I had created”

It's early on a Saturday morning, and that feeling has returned!
I've just dropped my Daughter off at her Mothers early, as they are going on a trip. That in itself always makes me feel empty and sad. I miss having her constantly around, I miss the feeling that she's just in the next room , reading or laughing, and I fear the way her childhood is rapidly vanishing, as puberty approaches. (We were talking about one of her old favourite games yesterday, a toy post office, and she said she doesn't want to play any more - fair enough she is 11 - but suddenly I missed her pestering me to play, realising she never would again, and so regretting all those times I said no!)

I picked up my post as I went to bed last night (as I'd left and arrived via the back door). There was an official looking letter. It turned out to be a summons from my employer to a "sickness meeting". I work under a policy of 3 or more episodes of sickness in a year, and a meeting results with the Ward Manager and a Personnel ..er, person! I'm sure it won't be the witch hunt and sacking that the feeling in my stomach tells me it will be, but I'm worried, especially as it advises me that I can bring a union rep with me!

The darkening nights and cooling temperatures, have also had an effect on my mood. Things don't quite seem so bad when it's sunny and warm! I know that in the grand scheme of things my life is not so bad, but sitting here, alone and cold , killing time before work, happiness feels a long way away.

“A man's as miserable as he thinks he is.” - Seneca (@ 1st century AD)

“I wasted time, and now doth time waste me”

Firstly I am not at home as I type. I am sitting at my wayward brothers computer, so I will not be able to embellish this post with pictures etc 'till I get home (some home eh!).

(I left that bit in)

Procrastination. That's what's occupying my thoughts today. I have the terrible habit (not really a habit, more of a nihilistic compulsion) to leave everything until the last minute. This may be typical of men, but I am too solitary a soul to comment upon that species.
Take my bane of a house for instance. I knew that anything I didn't do as soon as I "moved in" would probably never get done, and so far that has mostly been true (mostly). My car is three years old next week and due it's first MOT, and I have, off course been avoiding arranging it, but why?
Well I suspect I suffer from "Schrödingers Cat Syndrome" (Google it). By this I mean that as long as something remains undone, it still has potential for good as well as bad. I'm explaining this badly, for instance as long as my car remains untested It exists in a potential state of perfect repair as well as complete wreck status. Likewise as long as I stayed at home and avoided social contact, the potential for fun and happiness existed, as well as the potential for loneliness and hurt. I think I inherited this from my mother, who has the related "ostrich (or elephant in the living room) syndrome", in as much as she will ignore or deny the existence of a problem rather than confront it.

Time to get off the couch, I think. My hour is up!!

“Captain Kirk never burped out his lines, nor did he simply SPEAK! as IF! Every! Other! SYLlable! WAS! of DIRE! ImPORTance!” - William Shatner

“Fact without theory is trivia. Theory without fact is bullshit.”

Trivia then,

It's so cold today! What happened to the Indian Summer we expect every September in the UK? I'll be damned if I'm putting on the central heating this early in the year!

Only two days until my dental appointment. Oh the pain, the aching, the waiting (that could be about anything!)

Less than seven weeks until my holiday. It's over four years now since I've been on holiday, and to say I'm excited would be like stating that Reality TV is the opiate of the masses, ie obvious and pointless. The pessimist in me is expecting something to go wrong any day now, a rare tropical disease, a broken limb, sudden and inexplicable death! Anything!

“God may not play dice but he enjoys a good round of Trivial Pursuit every now and again.” - Federico Fellini

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography"

What ? another post so soon?

I'm in a funny mood.

Okay forgetting the metaphysical aspects, why has the human mind evolved beyond the point where we can easily perceive what mechanisms are going on within?
I know the brain is self aware, but why have motivations and processes developed that can effectively incapacitate us, evolved?
I was really, really "up" last night, I felt happy (yes I know, me?), yet upon waking, I felt absolutely miserable. I really cannot see what evolutionary function depression fulfills. Alright sadness and grief could maybe teach primitive man to avoid dangerous situations, but what possible reason would depression serve? If my primitive ancestor sat around incapacitated, he would be an easy target for a sabre tooth tiger (excuse my Flintstones like stereotyping!).
I see a very large percentage of patients on my ward (and I was extremely depressed a few years ago remember?) I cannot believe that something as widespread as depression is strictly an illness, or there is an awful lot of malfunctioning brains out there! (obviously I am discounting the severe forms such as bipolar disease). So that must mean it is a reaction to the Modern world. Is it a longing for the life of simpler times, or a sublimation of the worlds woes and inequalities. Or is it a reaction to how little control the individual has in the 21st Century? I don't offer any answers, my opinions don't really matter.

“The term clinical depression finds its way into too many conversations these days. One has a sense that a catastrophe has occurred in the psychic landscape.” - Leonard Cohen

"Reality continues to ruin my life." - Bill Watterson

It's that time AGAIN! disastrous haircut season! I finished work unexpectedly and on the way home I popped into a barbershop I had never used before. Looking around at the mostly middle eastern clientele, I kind of got the feeling that longer hair on a man might have been a bit of a novelty to them. When he got out the dreaded thinning scissors, my fears were confirmed and he'd let loose on my already vanishing hair before I could protest. Too late!

I've spent the last few minutes with brush and hairdryer, and I've done my best to at least approximate it's former glory (I would have left it very long, but as a Nurse I have to follow a uniform policy). Needless to say I'm not going there again! Ironically as my hair thins with age, it is growing much quicker, so by the time I go to visit Barbara, it may be at least "alright". Tune in in about 10 weeks for the next chapter in my exciting hairstyles adventure!!!

"So, what's it like in the real world? Well, the food is better, but beyond that, I don't recommend it." - Bill Watterson

“I am a success today because I had a friend who believed in me and I didn't have the heart to let him down...” - Abraham Lincoln

Well I'm happy again, driving home from my mother's house earlier I felt positively ecstatic, although getting back to my Dickens style hovel dampened my mood a tad!
I've been buying a lot of CD's recently, I finally decided that my old vinyl Beatles were not enough, so I am (very) slowly getting the original albums on CD. I don't think I could ever trust anyone who didn't like the Beatles, or think that The White Album and Revolver are perhaps the greatest albums ever made!
And a special hello to Chilli! thanks for stopping by, yes I am happy and not quite the miserabilist you know from myspace ( although I still have my moments!).

This week I have enjoyed "The Prestige" and "Shooter" (predictable yes but decent action movie/conspiracy fun!)

See I can be upbeat, you doubters! (oh that was me wasn't it?)

Hello Barbara! Here's a video just for you (I love this show, of course I have it on DVD!!!)

I ordered a chicken sandwich but I don't think the waitress understood me because she said, "How would you like your eggs?" So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said "Incubated, and then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked and then cut up then put onto a grill then put onto a bun, shit it's gonna take awhile. I don't have time, scrambled!" - Mitch Hedburg

"Haven't you ever heard of the healing power of laughter? "

I've noticed something. My blog is less interesting to me recently. Why?you ask, Well I only seem to post when I feel unhappy, or grumpy, or even a bit angry ( or actually miffed , as I don't really have much of a temper).
The clever amongst you will realise intuitively what I mean. I'm suggesting that recently I have been happy and contented, well I have, so there! To badly misquote Jack Nicholson ;
"I have given a name to my pain, and it is Barbara!"
except Barbara isn't my pain, she is my pleasure! Why then ,you might ask, are you posting if you are so happy? Well tonight is the first time in an age that I haven't spoken to her, and I feel sad, so very sad. Hence my post. So there you have it , without Barbara I am unhappy, which means more blog entry's but one very unhappy Billy.

“You know you're getting old when it takes too much effort to procrastinate.”

Well my two weeks off are almost over, and I've got the post holiday blues! I'm dreading going back to work. I say holiday but the first week I still had a raging chest infection, the second week,raging tooth ache (plus the remnants of the infection!!). What a moaner eh? I accomplished about zero of the tasks I'd set myself - my biggest fault has to be procrastination, but I can't be bothered to think about it! ha ha?

“When words are scarce they are seldom spent in vain” - Billy Shakespeare