“May you never forget what is worth remembering, nor ever remember what is best forgotten”

Posts seem few and far between, but that's really because there are only so many ways of describing nothing. It's not a bad life, but we are inherently selfish and no matter how many times we tell ourselves "there's always someone worse off" it doesn't really make one feel any better (or maybe I'm just more selfish than most).
It was payday today, and that is a momentary pleasure, but by the time the direct debits come out and the child maintenance cheque is handed over, well you get the picture.
I did go a little crazy today and bought quite a few Cd's online (admittedly most were from e-bay). Since last summer I've become quite addicted!
Billies staying over tomorrow night in what is fast becoming a Friday night regular. Then of course the start of March (what? already?) brings night shift for yours truly.
You never know I might have something concrete to moan over next time...

“There are some jobs in which it is impossible for a man to be virtuous” - Aristotle

(Today I've been wathing a lot of Mission Impossible)

“I'd rather have a moment of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.”

"Peace and quiet and open air,
Wait for us,
Somewhere"

Nothing continues to happen.
Both here and there.
I'm so weary recently, a combination of several things I imagine. I really need something to look forward to. Dreaded night shift starts next week.
I dropped something in the car, and was rummaging around under the seats, and I found something that Barbara had bought for me out shopping last year, mixed emotions , a good memory, but , well you know, lasting , long lasting sadness. (by the way I am such a slob, it's been under there almost a year!)
Only a 13 hour shift to get through tomorrow, and then days off. I may not do much with 'em, but they are at least better than working...

...and so to bed.

“We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.” - Orson Welles

“We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out”

"Some fools think of happiness
Blissfulness, togetherness
Some fools fool themselves I guess
Theyre not foolin' me"

Last night I again went to bed early, and despite all my travails, anxieties and perceived woes, slept - and slept.
However this was the sleep of the dog tired, rather than the sleep of the just.
It's been so busy at work, and I have worked so hard that I have been coming home drained. It seems insomnia will only get you so far!
There's a night out at work tomorrow, sadly it will involve wandering around the town centre on a Friday night, where even my advanced years will only drag the average age of my fellow patrons up to about 17, it's not for me, despite my co-workers (actually heartfelt) protestations. No as I sit here sipping my 'Jim Beam' I can think of only one night out I want to be on, and that was a long time ago now.
Oh here I go, maudlin, maudlin, maudlin. But in the period between the wars it's who I am (I think - I'm not sure anymore, I was a better person, for a while at least)...

“A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.” - Winston Churchill

“What breaks in a moment may take years to mend.” - Swedish Proverb

Apparently it was Valentines Day today.
Work is really irritating me. Maybe I just need a holiday, as I've said it will be mid May until there are any 'slots' available, that's a long way away.
I'm feeling very miserable tonight, (surprise surprise), but I suspect a lot of that is remembering how happy I was last Feb 14th.

I had a tough parental decision (at least by my standards) to make yesterday, details are unimportant but I did almost have an argument with my ex-wife on the phone last night. That must be the longest (ahem) 'conversation' we have had in around 5 years.

I'm wound up and tense tonight, I want to get drunk and listen to loud music, but I'm a 13 hour shift tomorrow, and in fact have to be out of bed in a little over six hours, so I really should be going.

This week - Lost continues to amaze and entertain. I especially loved Sawyers genuine emotion at being re-united with Jin. (Aw)

I'm returning to being miserable now...

“Don't let your sorrow come higher than your knees” -Swedish Proverb

“Eyes that do not cry, do not see” - Swedish Proverb

"The sword of time will pierce our skins,
It doesn't hurt when it begins,
But as it works its way on in,
The pain grows stronger...watch it grin"

This blog entry is akin to placing a note into a bottle and throwing it, hopefully, into the big big sea. Billie was unwell again yesterday, and had to stay over, the only downside to this being (apart from her being ill of course!) that I couldn't leave the house all day. I have to get out of this place everyday or it begins to feel more like a prison than a dwelling. In reality I suppose it's more like a half-way house, but with really terrible staff!

I've consequently watched a lot of TV today (Billie slept in very late, and then just stared at the laptop). I've nearly finished the first season of 'Mad Men' (as the second starts this very night, tucked away on BBC 4 of all places!) and actually got around to watching the whole first series of 'Sapphire and Steel' (no don't laugh). Although a little (by which I mean very) dated around the edges, it still has a genuine creepiness to it (or maybe I'm remembering how my teenage self viewed it). Any how I expect to raid the vaults again tomorrow, as Billie remains unwell (but can just about summon the energy for chocolate and live messenger - go figure!)

The wine remains undrunk, as sadly must I ...

"Silence is golden but you can't hear it that well." - Loesje

“Waking up in the morning is my favourite extreme sport”

"Learn to live without me, then
Never learn to live again
Its sad, sad, sad.
Distance, freedom, turn me on"

For some reason I'm feeling quite angry today. To be honest though I couldn't tell you what the subject of my anger is though! My boys book of psychoanalysis tells me it probably sublimated from a number of sources, anger at myself, my predicament my shortcomings and so on. It's a change from feeling sorry for myself I suppose.

On a similar note, I'm having trouble sleeping again. I just can't seem to relax in my bedroom, although I often fall asleep in front of the computer, and on my break at work. That little book would probably have a few suggestions, and I'm sure part of it is ritual and association. I'm basically a psychological mess, but then again who isn't? That's plenty.

On a slightly happier note, I must say that Battlestar Galactica continues to be the best thing on TV. This weeks episode ramped up the tension and drama even more, and I didn't think that was possible.
Blimey if it wasn't for music and DVDs I probably would be certifiable. That's what life seems to amount to really (although I'm sure you are really fulfilled, and happy) ; a series of distractions while time marches on...

(I also love the new series of 'flight of the conchords')

“It does not matter how expensive your kitchen is if you are a bad cook.” - Loesje

"At the end of my salary I always have a lot of month left"

My fingers struggle to type, must fight unconsciousness...

Nothing else happened... Sorry.

I am so dull!

(although I did open a bottle of Jim Beam black label I've been saving for who knows what - delicious, thanks Barbara...
...for everything)

Lost - infuriatingly fantastic !

"Grey hair does not mean you lose colourful thoughts" - Loesje

"Everyone can walk on water if it is cold enough."- Loesje

"If I had my way
I would move to another lifetime
I'd quit my job
Ride the train through
the misty night time"

I wasn't going to post, but these lyrics resonated, and I found this lovely picture the other day.

Maybe I'll pop back later (it's Wednesday morning) with some misanthropic insights.
That's an incentive right?

"The longer you wait for the future, the shorter it will be" - Loesje

"Wine is bottled poetry." - Robert Louis Stevenson

"Its a shame, its a shame, its a perfect shame."



Well hello!
For once I'm not totally despondent or maudlin , although I am well on the way to finishing a bottle of wine.
A very busy set of work days over, and three lovely (but I suspect ultimately empty and miserable) days off await. I'm feeling strangely honest so I have to admit that I can't stop thinking about Barbara , but I must admit, to quote The Beatles, that 'This bird has flown'. I have to move on.
Alas, every time I hear even a mention of Canada, but especially Vancouver, my heart sinks. Consequently this makes watching my favourite TV shows something of a bitter sweet experience (all the best shows are made in 'Hollywood North', even House had its pilot shot there.).

But that's enough of that , you've seen into my soul tonight, albeit for a split second, and I don't want to slightly dazzle you with it's sub wattage semi brilliance. I'm off for a late bath and a troubled nights sleep, probably with some strange dreams involving Canada (they usually do) So it's your semi drunken pal checking out - be seeing you !

(This weeks House was great, Lost is superbly back on form. and as entertaining and baffling as ever , and I am loving the early 60's vibe of 'Mad Men')

“The wine urges me on, the bewitching wine, which sets even a wise man to singing and to laughing gently, and rouses him up to dance and brings forth words which were better unspoken” - Homer

"I'm sorry to say so but, sadly it's true that bang-ups and hang-ups can happen to you"

blah...blah...blah...
Apparently it's been the coldest winter in years. There was a little snow today, and the threat of much much more tonight. The wind is certainly icy cold. Everything is gray, gray, gray.

I really have to stop feeling sorry for myself, lord knows no one else will.

I checked the holiday list at work, and I'll have to wait until at least the middle of May until I get some time off. By then I'll have done a month of nights, so I expect I will have had several "I hate nights" posts. I was surprised to see that apart from the three weeks I had off last year for Barbara's visit , I seemingly took the rest off in single days and even hours! what an idiot!

"Zffff...what was that, sir? That was your life. Can I get another one? No, sorry." - Basil Fawlty