“Loneliness is about the scariest thing out there.” - Joss Whedon

“I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong” - Benjamin Franklin

Sorry all I do here is moan and moan. I used to be optimistic and quite happy, honestly.

I'm just not a good enough writer to effectively convey just how awful I feel.It's always there, either as a quesiness in my guts, or a nagging in my head.
I know I'm selfish, shallow, weak and directionless. but since I'm in a circle of one, I'm the only voice you'll hear on the subject.

I can't remember the last time, I went to bed thinking "what a great day" or the last time I actually looked forward to anything.
There are of course the occasional good moments. These mostly revolve around my daughter.
But circumstance and her age mean these are fewer and fewer.

Looking ahead, just more of the same.  Uneventful grayness - but now with added jobthreatiness.

Those paragraphs read like a final goodbye, but weren't meant as such, I just typed without thinking, and this is the stuff that oozed out.
I want things to change, I'm just not strong enough to do anything about it.

I honestly set out to say I was going to be more positive, less apologetic and at least try to be upbeat. It seems I failed at that too!

“He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else”...

 

 

 

 

"A still tongue makes a happy life"

What a dreadful day at work. I feel wrecked, both physically and especially mentally*.
I want to curl up into a ball and cry myself into numbness . Instead I'm going to bed, the whole shebang starts again in 6 hours.
At least the ward is staying open, for the near future at least, though everyone seems to sense the dark shadowy threat, that always seems to be on the periphery of the conscious mind. Or I could be talking complete crap, again.

I feel desolately lonely tonight. I didn't get in until 9.30pm, after a bath and a slice of toast, well it's pretty much time for bed. But it's so darn cold, that's probably for the best. I hope it doesn't rain tonight, otherwise I'll spend the next few hours listening for that slow dripping, I really should get someone to check that roof out, shouldn't I...


I've made some bad decisions, I've made some absolutely stinking decisions (one in particular). In fact decisions have never really been my thing. One of the few good things about being married, was that most of them were made for me, and I'm not being cynical, that actually was mostly a good thing. Even a little crisis has me banjaxed.What a loss to heterosexual womankind I am!



*Nothing to do with work btw, I'm just feeling very very miserable. I can't remember the last time my mood rose to anything higher than despondent, on the happy sad continuum (only joking, I got up to "pensive" just the other day.)
Maybe if I'd invested some of my life into making a few friends, or leaving the house to go somewhere other than work, I might feel a bit better (gee you think?).

Do Not Forsake Me Oh My Darling...

Well that's another fabulous holiday over with (does anyone even read this rubbish? other than a drunken me, a year later? thought not).

Somehow it escaped my mind that Billie and her new clan are off to Spain for a week, (apparently it's half term next week!) that'll be a fortnight I won't see her, she only lives about two miles away, how'd that occur?

Little (read nothing, nada, nowt!) in the way of news of course. I continue to swing between bleak despair and skin crawling boredom.
Of course minutes after starting work tomorrow, even this'll seem preferable.

I ordered a new armchair from eBay.
I waited in for delivery today - of course it never arrived.
I'm at work for the next seven days, that was the whole bloody reason for arranging delivery today! The mists are clearing, I see a trip to a depot in my future...

Pointless coda - I watched "Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind" again last night, my how I love that film...
(and I finally got around to watching 'The Prisoner' Blu ray box set)
get it?



be seeing you...

“Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length” - Robert Frost

It's 2am on Saturday morning. You find me trying to get over what I can only describe as a panic attack, no,  it wasn't quite that.
More the despair hour, although that too, doesn't quite get to the heart of it.
There's a few things worrying me on top of my usual 'woes', but to detail them would reveal just how trivial they are, and how crackers I actually am, so I'll say no more, for now. But sometimes fretting spirals into full blown panic I imagine.

I've been on holiday this week - wasted all of it of course. On a brief positive note - I actually got a semi decent haircut.
Sadly, I've hardly seen Billie at all. She was supposed to stay this very night, but she forgot her pyjamas, and wouldn't accept a substitute. So we reasoned if we had to go back for them, she may as well wear them there!

Much like yours truly, my armchair finally snapped tonight. It's been wobbly for months, but tonight I found myself and chair keeling over.

The only reason I tell you is it seemed quite amusing. Even as I was a tumbling I could see the humour in it. But if a tree falling in a forest makes no sound, is an unobserved buffoon funny?
Ponder that, while I ponder how I can afford a new armchair, oh and a new mobile phone (the beloved Dell is sadly not long for this world, and several other household appliances also have a poor prognosis - oh despised decrepit money pit that I call home!)

Where am I going to sit tonight?

(ps - no news on my ward closure - yet. apparently it's still 'under discussion' - blimey!)

“Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.”

“You never really know your friends from your enemies until the ice breaks” - Eskimo Proverb

Hello future self. In what is probably the dullest post ever - still no news.
Told you it was dull.
The lack of any definite info is making work feel very strange, and not just for me. Everything of course feels strangely temporary and ephemeral, and just a bit pointless. full circle...

“This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.” - Winston Churchill

No news, still awaiting details, everything will change. Oh dear.

I'm quite intoxicated,  it stops me dwelling on what is happening. This big change , plus a whole lot of littler ones, have me feeling quite quite low. On Monday night lying awake I was mentally composing suicide notes. Whilst two years ago this was akin to serious business, this week was merely an extreme exercise in self pity.

My job is sadly what defines me.  I've no friends outside of work, and only an indifferent family. Consequently my long (long) time colleagues are the nearest things to friends I have. If we are split up I'll miss them, and the role I've been performing for so long, it's what defines me, one of the last part of a puzzle, whose pieces have been vanishing, one by one, for the last few years.
You can't even tell what the picture is supposed to be now. (talk about stretching a metaphor to infinity... and beyond)

Ultimately I'm pointless...

Alone Again (Naturally) from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out”