"I must have some booze. I demand to have some booze!"

It appears I'm still alive, empirically at least. If I can be bothered, more words later today (assuming wine is available)...

I've just  rediscovered the following post, unpublished and forgotten, dating from about two weeks ago. This was a bad bad day...



I hate myself. No that's a bit strong, I dislike myself, memo to everyone else - your were right!
I hate this blog, at least at the minute. I used to love this blog, when I was in love, it was for romantic outpourings. Now it's where I tell an indifferent world I'm mentally ill...

I've been on holiday for two weeks, it's been awful. To be honest it was marginally better than being at work but only just. Fourteen identical days, where only the vague promise of alcohol, got me through.
Tonight I'm on the edge of tears, thankfully, the right edge , but anything, a slight draft even, could push me over to the other side. I don't like me. I hope to change that opinion one day.

I've had an awful temporal headache for something like three months now. Headaches make you miserable. Headaches make you irritable. Give me some slack.
The optician says my prescription is right, yet my glasses make it worse. She's referred me to my GP.
If it's all 'in my head' , which of course it literally is (hey it's a headache), I'm crazier than I thought.
It's no coincidence I have no friends, and a family who merely tolerate me... I haven't felt this low since I was off sick last year, contemplating what we all ultimately contemplate.

I heard from work today that my recent 'incident' is to be investigated, consequently I'm temporarily off nights, something that in other circumstances, I'd be celebrating.
Maybe this will turn out alright, maybe Billy will find true love, maybe bacon will resurrect and find wings...

I'm pathetic, but in mental and physical pain. maybe that will make you feel better about your own life. See,  every cloud ...

“The world is a fine place and worth the fighting for and I hate very much to leave it.” - Ernest Hemingway

The long gap between posts, was for once, not due to lack of content. No the reference to 'important stuff' in my last but one post was namely, the worsening health of Billies Grandma. For the moment, my petty concerns are just that - petty (and even more irrelevant than usual).

About 10 days ago, or so, Billie went with her Mam to visit her in ICCU in Bristol.
She came back home last week ,  her Grandma sadly, died later that same day.
I'm no believer in an afterlife, but I hope she found some ease, some rest.

When she was my my Mother-in-Law, she, like most people, neither liked nor understood me. Things had improved a bit towards the end of my married life, but she was still not a fan I suspect.

Billie is handling her death very well, she really is growing up. She's staying strong for her Mam I suspect, who was very close to her own Mother. They were very alike, in many ways.
Selfishly, Billies support means I'm seeing even less of her than usual, but this is one reason even I can't balk at.
I hope everyone involved can find some peace.

Next time - more of the usual rubbish...


“We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master” - Ernest Hemingway

There was a boy, A very strange enchanted boy...

"The greatest thing
You'll ever learn
Is just to love
And be loved
In return"

I just had to post this video,
but while I'm here, I simply must take a moment to praise the finale of "Breaking Bad", such a strange combination of stillness, tension and excitement, 10 out of 10...

"Harry, I have no idea where this will lead us, but I have a definite feeling it will be a place both wonderful and strange..."

"Your name is sung and tattooed now on my heart
Here I will carry, carry, carry you,
forever"

Well well, here I am again.
As is often the case, I'm slightly drunk, which is only just taking the edge of my ever so bad mood. An 'incident' at work has left me feeling even more isolated. Whilst not totally free from blame, no one was keen to stand up for me, so be it. So that's the start to my 'holiday' , worrying about the crap awaiting me when I 'return'.

By the way, now I hate nights EVEN MORE! Who'd have thought!

Important stuff is happening elsewhere, and it would be crass and demeaning to mention it here in Billy Hopkinsons emotional dump ( but you know what I'm talking about, don't you?) (btw - I mean me, future readers, I'm the 'you', if you see what I mean?).

Two weeks off, I know I'll waste it, and so do you. So many things I could and should be doing...

"Sleep deprivation is a one-way ticket to temporary psychosis." - Dale Cooper 

"You know what? Copernicus called and you are NOT the center of the universe!"- Frasier Crane

"There's a hole in daddy's arm
Where all the money goes"

Until I inevitably get bored, I'm resurrecting the song lyrics intros, I rather liked them...

 I'm such a sloth, a top procrastinator. My solution to most problems is to ignore them until they go away. As you can imagine this rarely pays off.

Of course this is all an oblique, well not very, reference to my ongoing visual problems.

On Sunday the headache was so bad I simply went to bed. I didn't wear my new glasses for two days, but blimey, I didn't realise what a step forward they'd been, I couldn't read roadsigns, and driving in the dark, in fact doing anything in the dark, at least that involved looking, was out of the question (remember, I also have rather pathetic night vision, I can't even see stars anymore).
Yesterday, I relented and went back to the varifocals, the pain was a little better bizzarely had relocated. Because (I imagine) of using the old prescription for two day, the left eye was super blurry too (it's getting better).
Now you dear reader, you would have popped off to the opticians, all righteous but level headed, and got this sorted out.
I obviously didn't. Thanks to a strange confluence of shifts, it'll be over a week until I can get there - cue lots of painkillers, lots and lots of whining and self pity (but in all honesty the pain is real and quite bad)
I'm just going to get my eyes retested and start from scratch. The real stinger is the nearly £400 I paid for two pairs, gulp!

It's payday today, after a long long five weeks. I got so close to being overdrawn, this close (holds up fingers, really quite close together). It's like a bouncing ball, each month the bounce is a little less, until, hang on for this metaphor to work, the ball would have to start tunnelling underground, wouldn't it? Oh well it worked up to a point.

Note, despite bemoaning a lack of funds, it didn't stop me from finally picking up the 'Lost' blu-ray box set, when it finally fell below my price limit (that's £10 per season "fyi"). Now I have to face the mammoth task of actually watching it (again). I for one didn't mind the ending, I thought the journey was more important than the destination, if you see what I mean. I fondly recall the weekly post viewing analysis with Barbara, when Lost (and to some extent me) was in it's heyday.
Come on it wouldn't be a proper post without at least one veiled or totally not veiled reference to Canada, eh? (absolutely no pun intended - honest!)

My how she's changed, but I really like this album in all its big haired pomposity - but this video, well it is really quite dreadful...

 

“Small children give you headache; big children heartache” - Russian Proverb

Hellooooo 1980s!

Title To Be Announced...

Nothing terrible happened, nothing good happened either, mind you.

I'm killing time until I start work at 14.30! We're starting a new shift today which entails a later start and less days off. It's not a popular change, with me or pretty much anyone else I've spoken too. Did I mention less days off?

I found a piece of old Christmas card pushed through my letter box. On the back was written 'Jesus loves you'. I imagine everyone in the street got one. Was this a nice gesture? Or do you see something more sinister? Remember I am a devout atheist.

I've temporarily given up on the new glasses! ("Oh no, not this  again!" you may be saying to yourself, and I can't really blame you) until I can see (ha, there we go again!) the optician again. It all boils down to clear sight and a headache, versus slightly blurred everything versus a sweet sweet lack of headacheyness. Some choice.

I had yet another outbreak of nostalgia last night, and ended up scrolling through a load of old photos. When combined with wine this can only have one outcome - Bad! Poor old Billy...

“When two elephants fight, it is the grass that gets trampled”

Oh no, it's another one of those days. Pit of the stomach, mind churning, doom gloom days...



I saw the optician (no pun intended), and I'm pretty sure she just thinks I'm mad. She couldn't find anything wrong.  All I know is that a few minutes of wearing my new glasses results in pain in the right eye and temple. My old glasses - nothing!

My days off went by in a mundane flash. Off to work in a minute...

“I say, when life gives you a lemon, wing it right back and add some lemons of your own!” - Bill Watterson