“Men become old, but they never become good” - Oscar Wilde

I hate dropping Billie off at that house, I don't quite hate picking her up so much but I'm far from liking it. Her new living arrangements were supposed to result in me seeing her more, but somehow I'm actually seeing her less, one or maybe twice a week.
I miss her.

I get awfully lonely.

My root canal was successfully completed. My dentist really is rather good, no pain at all. I don't mind going to the dentist, it's even quite cheap now. The only problem is the boredom of just lying there like a fool, trying to find something interesting in the the ceiling for an hour.

I finally picked up my pension pack today. All my colleagues received theirs last summer, mine was mysteriously delayed. I can retire at 55 or wait until I'm 60 for a slightly bigger amount. I won't be rich, but it should cover most of my mortgage and allow my eat and heat. What a prospect! another 15 years of this to look forward to, and then more of the same,but on a reduced budget, woo hoo!

bring it back soon, please...

“I'd marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars, would sign over half to me, and guarantee that he'd be dead within a year.” - Bette Davis

“It is better to be looked over than overlooked.”- Mae West

I've been to the dentist today.
Exciting stuff eh?
A man of my advanced years with toothache! I ask you. Anyway I need another root canal! two in a year! Not decay mind you, an old filling failing. Filling failing!
Actually, I went to the dentist yesterday too, same one, but accompanying Billie. She hasn't a single filling, but last year a wayward door broke off the bottom of on of her incisors. The temporary (until she's 18! and coincidentally liable to pay!!) tooth keeps falling off, and she's pretty much there every few weeks getting it glued back on!

I've been troubled with almost daily deja vu lately. I don't hold that they are anything other than organic wiring problems, and that's what worries me, more evidence of decrepitude! Whatever the cause they still give me the willies, and willies are something I do not want any of.

I'm still enjoying my new car, but I just cannot seem to get the hang of getting into and out of my little yard in any manner approaching speedy. I thought practise would help, and it has a teensy bit. But at least I haven't dented it (yet) 
I even got it washed today! My old car was washed once in 7 years, predictably, just before Barbara's visit of so long ago.
The merest hint of snow however, and it's staying yardbound (the car that is). There's only a couple of inches between either side of the car and brick, and I'm not risking any lateral slippage!
My little old panda merrily slipped here there and everywhere, but was so small it didn't really matter. Thank goodness for this mildest of winters (cue frost, cue hail, cue blizzards!).

I signed onto Amazon.com (as opposed to .co.uk) earlier today to report a missing parcel and discovered my long long forgotten wish list.
Items dating back as far as 1999!! (when we still had a moon!) .
Interestingly (at least to me) almost all of them I subsequently bought on US holidays back when I did such things.
The past eh? seems that's where I spend most of my time these days...

“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.” - Mae West

 

 

“Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative.”

Will this damned wind ever stop? and which part of my house will fall off first?

Moving on.
I still haven't seen Billie since Christmas Day! What a stretch, eh?
I'm picking her up from school tomorrow, in 'useful' Dad mode, of course I'd rather be in 'Dad that I'd like to just see, whilst actually still on holiday' mode, but you have to take what you can get eh?

I was a bit upset to see that the 'Jaws' ride at Universal Studios in Orlando closed down. I've many a fond memory of that ride and its environs, I'm glad that Billie and I got to go on it one last time in April of last year.

I'm feeling, well, 'stressed' may be the best way to put it. Work is a slog, both physically and mentally, and everything else seems well not quite pointless (actually , yes pointless), but simply an effort. I can't seem to concentrate or focus on anything, and I've been troubled by a new selection of headaches and bodily aches and pains (which I'm sure are all psychological in origin, except the return of the frozen shoulder, watching me attempt to put on an apron at work must be hilarious).
I've yet to return to full blown insomnia, but my sleep is restless and plagued by nightmares.
My own body seems to be on a sabotage mission, finally teaming up with what I laughingly call my 'mind' I suspect.
The good thing is this unease and listlessness is keeping me away from shopping, thereby saving me calories and money! silver lining eh?

I wanted to say something upbeat and optimistic to end.
Struggling...


End of line...

mine came without the shag.... shame...

“Things may come to those who wait...but only the things left by those who hustle.”  - Abraham Lincoln

“Tact consists in knowing how far to go too far” - Jean Cocteau

I'm this far (picture a very very small distance) from being completely bonkers. Living on my own I blame. Studies seem to confirm it :

 http://jech.bmj.com/content/60/6/468.abstract

 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mobileweb/1969/12/31/living-alone-death-risk_n_1106229.html

http://www.biomedcentral.com/1471-2458/7/335

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/04/health/research/04risks.html

http://www.newscentre.bham.ac.uk/press/2005/11/marriage_health_press_release_08_11_05.shtml

...and they were just the first few I came across on google!

Proof of my opening statement? Well if my gradual detachment from society weren't enough for you, how about this?
I've become increasingly obsessed that my upstairs (not a metaphor, I mean of my house) is going to collapse. Especially with the recent strong winds we've being having here in the delightful North East.
I know it's ridiculous, (and thank goodness for that, or it would be full blown psychosis) but every creak, groan or noise heralds an imminent disaster to my fruit cake mind. That's all I'm going to say on the matter, as more detail would make me sound even more ridiculous, even typing this is making me aware of how silly I sound, so it's probably a good thing eh? a catharsis?

I've just had 3 days off and apart from my Mams house, I haven't been anywhere, not even shopping? (what?). By the way. if you're interested,  I'm still loving my new car. It's quite the gas guzzler compared to the old Panda, but it's just so swanky, oddball and well equipped , I love it. My self destructive subconscious is no doubt looking for ways to sabotage this pleasure, even as we speak...


(you know, this post started out tongue in cheek, well a bit, but those links up there are making me quite worried about myself! not the content of them as such, more the fact I felt the need to include them!!!)

“You know, a long time ago being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody's crazy.” - Charles Manson

 

 

 

 

"Misery. Sadness. Loss of Faith. No reason to Live... This is perfect for you. "

When Billie's away (Mothers 50th birthday expedition) it becomes super apparent just how little I have going on. It's somewhere far far below something and a teensy teensy bit above nothing, actually that's a lie, it's nothing.

It would be so easy for me to develop a drinking problem, and as I already have an eating problem, that seems the obvious place to go. I look forward to the slight change in outlook alcohol produces, and it's only being at work that stops me drinking every night.  I'm not making light of real alcohol problems, but I can so easily imagine how one would start.

Internal grumpy sod status, has once again started to spill over into the 'real' world. I've been managing to keep it in check for a goodly while now, but for anyone that cares to look (apparently no one) the evidence is there if you choose to see it (ditto). I must just finish by mentioning the most ridiculous nightmares from last night. the content is unimportant and far from interesting to anybody that isn't me, no the only (marginally) interesting part is I remember walking up from a nightmare, actually in the dream. that's right I'm having 'Inception' style nightmares now - we need to go deeper!

must watch this again - soon...

Oh no, not this again - blah, blah, blah...

Talk about turnabout, well if you like. I'm feeling pretty despondent at the moment, fancy that eh? I spent most of Christmas day alone, looking into a bottle. Billie's going away on Tuesday for a week, and I've got a full week at work starting tomorrow. Plus the most depressing day of the year, and the only time I get to bed before midnight, namely New Year, is approaching. Lonely and depressed, welcome back old friends, sadly only metaphorical ones...

Time for bed

Bored, 6.15pm

a post from my phone... a bit pointless really as I'm sitting in front of my computer!

I'd forgotten Wham bars were raspberry flavoured...
(that caption could also be referring to 'Breaking Bad')