“An idea, like a ghost, must be spoken to a little before it will explain itself.” - Charles Dickens

"I'm so hard to handle
I'm selfish and I'm sad
Now I've gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had"

I think it was only yesterday when I said I wasn't going to post for a long time. And now I seem to be posting twice a day, still completely inconsequential though, at least usually. I suppose I just need an outlet, It goes without saying (why say it then? - shut up) that I miss Barbara, and one thing (amongst thousands) I miss is being able to tell her all the minutiae of my life, and for her to genuinely care, and vice versa, of course (whoa there boy , reign it in!).

In mudane news, My local Aldi has been expanded and re-opened yesterday (by local I mean about 100m). This isn't really that interesting except it's possibly a symptom of the global economy collapsing. Budget shops like Aldi, Netto and Lidl (and my beloved Home Bargains) are booming because they can still offer food at (relatively) reasonable prices. Which makes me ponder why am I not thinner? Food (and living in general) is so pricey I should be well on my way to skinny. After all it seems my major food group is red wine, at least that's the impression I give here.

Happy Halloween I suppose...

(I discovered a "Rhythm is gonna get you vinyl 12" the other day, sadly the video for that wasn't as super 80s as this one)

"Electric communication will never be a substitute for the face of someone who with their soul encourages another person to be brave and true." - Charles Dickens

"Realizing the importance of the case, my men are rounding up twice the usual number of suspects"

" No one knows what happened that day,
how his car overturned in flames"

Oh dear! A sleepless night, I'm totally dazed.
Billie was staying over last night, and shortly after going to bed she came back downstairs to tell me a strange noise was keeping her awake. Sure enough a strange tapping noise was coming from the walls. It was (is) raining very hard, in fact hail stones at that point. She slept in my bed to avoid the noise, but by the time I went up, said noise had spread to my room and was much much louder. Me being the worrier I am I was kept awake for nearly all the night listening but mostly worrying, in much the same way my tinnitus used to get to me. (I obviously did get some sleep as I had a couple of what can only be described as nightmares - see me for details).
When we came downstairs early this morning (sadly to take Billie to a funeral) there was obvious water damage to my ceiling and wall. I can only imagine water must be dripping behind the cladding on the dormer and finding it's way down the inside wall.
On 'paper' this sounds pretty dull and matter of fact, but it's really eating me up. First the financial implication, but it's also like the straw that broke the proverbial. Lot's of little problems (and one or two big ones), piled on top of my own abundant insecurities and neuroses, equals a messed up Billy. Some days I find it hard to function at all.
To misquote Casablanca 'the problems of one little person don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world', but when you spend 99% of time in your own company, and devout hermits admire your style, then problems tend to get dwelt on, worries tend to get overblown, and personality flaws amplified, a smidgen.

I've contacted the insurance company, it'll be next week before someone comes to look at it, and the forecast for the next few days - rain! (metaphorical and literal) - be seeing you!

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose” - George Carlin

“Borrow trouble for yourself, if that's your nature, but don't lend it to your neighbours.” - Rudyard Kipling

"And she feeds you tea and oranges
That come all the way from china"

Goodness - back again after only four hours sleep.
A very loud and ultimately persistent noise woke me up mid afternoon, and when combined with the epic trek to answer the call of nature (i.e. it's a long way to the toilet!), here I am!
My neighbours must surely be up to something, either an epic DIY project, or they have the developed loudest vacuum cleaner in the world. As a bonus the endless bang bang against the wall, from their trampoline no less, shows no sign of stopping, even in these almost sub zero days (I'll draw you a diagram someday).
Now I have the Mother of all headaches (Mother!), and it actually seems colder in here than out there (it's actually 15 degrees).
Yesterday, I had to stop typing, I was so annoyed with myself, and to a lesser extent the world. I made a mental note to leave the blog for a goodly while. Things always seem better the next day, at least until it gets dark again! Last night at work was awful , and I dread the prospect of tonight, but I'm off tomorrow, so that may help it's passage. So until misery strikes then...

...however, I've just watched this weeks 'House' and would like to make a comment. Firstly, the shows heavy handed symbolism continues to be appreciated, by me at least. The family that couldn't enjoy being together, versus the two potential families that weren't exactly sure of what they wanted. If House starts to analyse what makes him a bastard, the balloon will surely be pricked, pay no attention to the man behind the curtain! Sexual tension should never ever be resolved in a TV show, so I was dismayed with the closing scene. Hint away but concrete proof? is that what we want? And what of Cuddys' real motives? is it a child or the adoration she craves? She obviously can't get it from House, or can she (of course she can't).

“Music that gentler on the spirit lies- Than tired eyelids upon tired eyes” - Tennyson

Brrr Brrr Brrr

"Here I am, here I am waiting to hold you.
Did I dream you dreamed about me?"


...Straight off to bed then. It's so cold!

“We are born crying, live complaining, and die disappointed” -Thomas Fuller

blah blah blah

"Hide on the promenade
Etch a postcard:
'How I Dearly Wish I Was Not Here' "

Here's that rarest of things, a blog entry not influenced by alcohol (except by mentioning it I suppose). I find that obviously the time of day effects what "appears" here. For instance if I'd been able to summon up the energy this morning, after walking home from work, it would have been all about how bloody freezing it is (and it is) and how rubbish work is sometimes (sometimes?*). But I was so tired I was in bed by 9am! and it's usually 10.30 when I go to bed (hardly interesting, but relevant I think).
Since it's nearly 7pm and I have to leave for work again soon, my thoughts are dominated by how solitary these past few weeks and months have been. It's getting dark before 5pm, and there is something about that darkness that both isolates and causes reflection (frankly any more reflection and I could get a job as a mirror, albeit probably one of those fairground kind).
I've lost my point, but this isn't really about points I suppose, more Dorian Gray style hoarding of negative energies (which obviously isn't working!).
Hold it there - I'm going to stop - my perpetual bleating and self pity is getting a little tired (a little he says), I'm boring myself. Time to do something.

“The secret of being a bore is to tell everything” - Voltaire

*Oh and yes , I have to have another sickness interview, re my recent ankle woes. It was inevitable, but I am not going to let it get me down. I genuinely debilitated, and being unable to walk is probably a disadvantage in my job, eh?

“The function of posterity is to look after itself” - Dylan Thomas

"There's a battle ahead,
many battles are lost,
But you'll never see the end of the road,
While you're traveling with me"

Somewhere deep down the logic must have went thus:
Last night off 'til Friday? = get drunk! (what again) = conscious mind opens another bottle of wine!
So what else have I got to do?
I watched a movie (very so so) then for some reason spent an hour or two listening to vinyl! (kids, go ask your Mother) whilst lying on the floor (it seemed to make sense at the time!). Some of the records I forgot I even had (Steely Dan, Donald Fagen, Animal Kwackers!!!!) plus I discovered a nice Blue Nile print, hidden away inside a 12" Single (remember them?) The Blue Nile produces instant sadness in me now (a la Pavlovian response) I'm not being flippant, it really is so, Blue Nile = Melancholy, but the type you don't want to forget .
Where was I ? Oh yes Vinyl! or should I say super sad time capsule '80-'88, (when I finally gave in to Cd's and bought my first player, a £200 Kenwood - V flash at the time).

I feel sad - but it's my own fault, where's the hair shirt.... (last.fm viewers may notice a slight 80's bias for the next few hours) Life? what life?

“I've just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that's the record.” - That Welshman again

"The man who is not dead still has a chance" - Lebanese Proverb

"See I've already waited too long,
And all my hope is gone"

A little tip - do not consume a bottle of (admittedly fine) red wine, and then get into a very full, very hot bath (well maybe if you have company). Here's a clue - it's a bit like fainting, but you feel a whole lot happier about it.

Oh I really splashed out tonight (no pun intended) , central heating and wine! - Hugh Hefner, eat your heart out!

[I had to delete a bit here, rambling and emotional it was, we'll have none of that - thanks future sober self. (ooh - the clocks have just went back! time for bed!) ]


So many things I could have said, so many things I should have done. so many things I should have said, so many I could have done. (okay I left that bit of gin soaked rambling in)

“Many things--such as loving, going to sleep, or behaving unaffectedly--are done worst when we try hardest to do them.” - C.S.Lewis