“When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.” - Dylan Thomas

"I'm going down town where there's music,
I'm going where voices fill the air,
Maybe there's someone waiting for me
With a smile and a flower in her hair"


Here I am, at last, and once again courtesy of Messrs Red and wine. Is drink getting to be a problem? Well maybe, it's often the only thing that can make the long lonely evenings bearable. however there is always that moment when the next sip turns you from euphoric to maudlin (I guess that sip has been taken then , eh?).
I shall update you if I slip into full blown alcoholism (be assured that I won't, although I imagine that's what all alcoholics say before they are taken).

Lonely, lonely, lonely.

I am missing Billie terribly. I only see her once, maybe twice a week. I am missing Billie terribly.

Meanwhile at work, the stress has upped a gear or too, the days are long, the days are hard, and the rewards are , well questionable.
Life outside of work is so very very dull and quite frankly depressing all I do Is watch TV and listen to music (great in moderation, but like everything, dull in excess - I imagine)
At least I am fed and warm, well as long as I can afford to run the heating anyway!

Speaking of which. I had a card through my door last week. Gas emergency! They had been digging the street up for a few days, and it looks like they cracked a pipe or two. The upshot was me shivering for 8 hours while two guys ripped off my hall wall and skirting , and dug a six foot deep hole outside my front door ("we'll be back in a week or two to fill it in" - meanwhile I have to run the Mario style gauntlet that is my tiny front path). Eventually I'll get around to replacing the panelling and redecorating too! By the way in a street of maybe 100 terraced houses, mine was the ONLY one affected - ho hum.

I watched the so called "The Prisoner" re-imagining last week. Let me start by saying I love the original show (I even bought it YET AGAIN on Blu-Ray - it looks fantastic!).
I can't imagine why they bothered to call it The Prisoner. The connections to the original were tenuous and shoehorned in. These occasional clever little references only highlighted the shortcomings of the show, and made me yearn for the original. It was unfocused, meandering (okay that is the same thing!). The denouement was at the same time totally predictable and completely baffling - figure that one out. There wasn't even an internal logic. I could go on but I won't. If they had called it something else, made it shorter , it could have been a so so TV movie I suppose.

Be seeing you!

“An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.” - Dylan Thomas

“I am a deeply superficial person.” - Andy Warhol

"People are strange when you're a stranger,
Faces look ugly when you're alone"

Nothing new to say, I simply didn't want to look back on another two week gap in what is effectively my mental health barometer (outlook cloudy) at some distant future date.

Nothing much happened today, it rained and I watched 'Moon' (which turned out to be a wonderful 70s style 'hard' sci-fi movie, loved the Derek Meddings style model work, and surprise - spoiler, Kevin Spacey turned out to be a good guy! oh it's easily a 9/10)

It's after 1am, wine has been consumed , which means I can tell you a little secret. Months ago, thanks to a special offer no less, I signed up for a dating website, but only a day or two later, in a pang of guilt/regret/realisation I'm a deluded nutjob, I deleted my profile. That is not the interesting part, this is - despite having no photo and no demographic details on the site, I still get e-mails from site visitors. I know Ladies like some mystery, but a blank profile? maybe a bit too mysterious eh? (or is it more likely they are scams / spambots?)

“When I got my first television set, I stopped caring so much about having close relationships.” - Andy Warhol

“For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.” - Douglas Adams

“Between the optimist and the pessimist, the difference is droll.
The optimist sees the doughnut; the pessimist the hole!” - Oscar Wilde

I'm going to try and be more upbeat. I'm going to try, I promise. It'll be interesting to look back on this and see what transpired (although I'm sure we both suspect that much like a dead apple tree, or a man with scurvy, it will be fruitless).

I've bought a swanky new phone, it's yet to arrive, but the array of gadgets (it's android not apple by the way) have me toying with the idea of twitter and facebook. Might I stress that's only toying, at this stage. To be honest the inevitable lack of feedback is the most off putting aspect, that and stumbling over someone that I don't want to be stumbling any where in the vicinity of - huh? In all honesty isn't facebook just enforced politeness, if someone from my past wanted to get in touch, wouldn't they have already? This is all very circular and ultimately pointless though.

Today I drank a bottle of wine, watched two films in a row (the coincidentally titled District 9 and District 13 Ultimatum) , and a slew of TV shows. then I contemplated loneliness (hang on a minute! upbeat remember!).
I've been re-watching 'Cosmos' on DVD for the first time since I was a teenager. It's such a humbling show that paradoxically makes me feel totally insignificant and optimistic at the same time. Also Carl Sagan was one of the most charming and enigmatic people ever on TV, I imagine in real life he was delightful to be around. I believe it would have been his 75th birthday last week.

“When one's expectations are reduced to zero, one really appreciates everything one does have” -Stephen Hawking

“If you are lonely when you're alone, you are in bad company” - Jean-Paul Satre

"Lonely, I've been lonely,
And I've asked my speechless shoes just were you are"

Er... hello,
it's been a while eh?

I just haven't felt like posting anything.
Nothing ever happens to me, so maybe unconsciously I was saving up all those hilarious incidents and musings for a more interesting posting.
Sadly this theory is of course totally, predictably and hopelessly wrong (as well as being blatant lies) .
Nothing has happened.

Work was horrible last weekend (that's two weekends ago now !) , and continued to be so all week. It's been very stressful.
One night, last Tuesday I think, I sat down in the changing room after work, and found tears running down my face - what on earth? You think maybe it's my subconscious trying to tell me something? Why does the subconscious have to be, er, so subconsciousey (sic) ? eh?

Days off were so dull that they wouldn't even reflect light.

Billie continues to get more and more independent. In fact I only saw her once last week, due to various pressing teenage social engagements.
If I'd known a couple of years ago how little she would be needing me at this time in her life, well I suspect things would probably very different for me. (do I have to spell it out?)

As the weather gets colder and the days shorter, I find myself putting on the winter quilt, physically and mentally.
I may just have some trendy condition like 'Seasonal Affective Disorder' , more likely I'm just a sad old git.

The over riding emotion I'm feeling recently (and there a lots to choose from!) is loneliness. Days can go by without me speaking to another adult. My family are more isolationist than pre 19th century Japan.
I've lived here for over four years now and never had (to quote Seinfeld) a 'drop in' (despite having two living parents and 3 siblings nearby).
In fact I can count on the fingers of one hand (even If I'd somehow lost two fingers from said appendage) the amount of visits I've had in that time - their has to be something wrong with me, don't you think? (That's plenty - I'm annoying myself with these new depths of whininess, although in what maybe a subconscious, {what again?}, coincidence, I rewatched 'The Sixth Sense' tonight and totally identified with Bruce Willis' character)

In complete turnabout of mood - I did watch the rest of season one of 'True Blood' last week and enjoyed it immensely. I just love snappy dialogue and characters you can emotionally invest in.

I'll try and post again in less than two weeks, after all I don't want to deprive future generations of my sage words do I?


(PS - next morning, I've just, on a whim, shaved off the beard I've had since June. The shock of being greeted by a big pink goggly eyed potato in the mirror was, well, shocking! I'm off to start growing a beard, or lose four stone, preferably both)

“Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.” - Jean-Paul Satre

“If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.” - Carl Sagan

"Every evening when the sun goes down I sit here in my room
And the lamplight shining on me projects my lonely gloom
My counterpart in agony mocks each tear that falls
And I cast a lonesome shadow on these lonely, lonely walls"

(now that's a cheery lyric, isn't it?)

(midnight on Wednesday - actually more like 2am)
More bloggy goodness? Once or twice over the past few days I honestly toyed with deleting the whole darn thing.
Funny how a different perspective, a little word or nuance you hadn't previously considered can put a different spin on everything.

I was upset after my last post, upset in a feeling sorry poor poor Billy kind of way (which was neither deserved or appropriate).
Unfortunately when this combined with an awful few days at work, a couple of unfortunate incidents, plus my generally dour outlook, I brewed up a scowling, all encompassing bad mood. Thankfully it's fading somewhat. The upshot is I haven't been fun to be around, but since I lead and almost completely solitary existence, the universe has found it easy to live with.

(2pm on Thursday)
I was pretty tired last night, so left this post unfinished. In the cold (very cold) light of day things look a little cheerier, but only discernible with some sort of high tech measuring device, the name of which escapes me now, oh hang on - a micrometer! (obviously I could have deleted that ramble, but I have to fill these posts somehow!) .

I'm resigned to my lonely fate now, and I don't even believe in fate! (That makes little or no sense)

Since I went out in February (for 2 hours) that means it's almost time for my other night out, ie Christmas.
There was almost zero interest from myself and my colleagues, Ward morale is very low, but I was practically press ganged into attending. I'm still not that keen to be honest.
Now I have to find something in XXL for me to wear - eBay here I come (eventually).

My ipod has packed up. I'm lost without it, but I cannot/will not buy a new one. I've tried everything except formatting it, so I suppose I'll try that then, eh? (but oh the drudgery of putting everything back!)

...and since it is finally payday today (damned five week months) , I splashed out on the True Blood Blu-Ray box set. Why this is important I cannot say.


And to the ever mysterious 'anonymous' , thanks again for your kind comment, and sorry for my belated reply!

“Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.” - Carl Sagan

" Get used to disappointment "

A little explanation - this was written, but not posted , very very late last night (in fact more like very very early this morning). I was very tired (but still didn't get to bed until around 5), and quite upset.
Not in the feeling sorry for myself kind of way though, more total self disgust, although I admit to the casual observer, both states might appear identical.
Things always seem worse in the early hours, and this morning they seem, well actually just as bad.

Look, here's a change, me being brutally honest, with myself.
Everything feels very pointless tonight, even more so than usual. You may have noticed an exchange of comments in an earlier posting, and it's made me think long and hard. My life is not so unusual, many many people are lonely , even in a world of 6 billion and rising. It's just that, well, I suppose I'm a misfit, not unlikable, but unliked. I'm not blaming anyone, I could I suppose (parents?), but let's face it I'm the sole architect of my own destruction, all of them I suspect. And speaking of destruction, maybe (maybe?) I unconsciously sabotage everything I touch, (or maybe not so unconsciously?) To be honest I don't get on well with people (read any previous posting for evidence) , and then I repeatedly bemoan the fact assigning blame to everyone else but me (at least outwardly).

I had a good friend, and I ruined it, totally, completely, and unilaterally. I will always be sorry for that. Your last comment brought into a very sharp focus what a total and complete shit I was / am (excuse the language).

See you all next time I hit the wine I imagine?

“I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road.” - Stephen Hawking

“My reputation grows with every failure.” - George Bernard Shaw

"And how can we win,
When fools can be kings,
Don't waste your time,
Or time will waste you"


Well here you find me, in that most agreeable of states, a bit (a lot) drunk, around midnight, with days off looming. This is the nearest I get to happy, I'm not trying to portray myself as some tortured romantic, I'm just a sad and very lonely middle aged man, who has nothing better to do with his time. The upshot of the wine is that it loosens lips, but unfortunately breeds a certain amount of incoherence too sadly.
Anyone remember that great (if incredibly twee and sentimental) old Christopher Reeve movie 'Somewhere in time'? (fabulous John Barry score by the way...) he falls in love with an old photo (of Jane Seymour no less), and literally wills himself back in time. Well I spent the best part of night with a similar sentiment, wishing I could go back and well have another go, to bring up a super cliche, hindsight is always 20-20, blah, blah, blah.

I accidentally left the heating on all day, consequently it's midnight and 29.4 degrees in my usually chilly dining room. Why this should interest anyone I cannot possibly imagine, but well , as the title states it's my blog, and if anyone ever stops by here well they stay (mostly) silent about it.

Oh how I hate to admit this but I'm toying with the idea of a dating website. I'm not desperate for romance, but friendship would be welcome, and mostly, I cannot abide men, all they want to talk about is sport and how manly they are. Frankly who gives a toss? That's why I enjoy working with Women so much, of the three male colleagues I have only one is heterosexual, and he's my boss. Men always seem to be out to prove something , at least to other Men, it's all false bravado, and essentially hollow statements, and I don't care for that. I'm essentially a loner, but male company bores me. Did I mention I was thinking of joining a dating website (vain attempt to return to a point).

Tonights viewing - Battlestar Galactica 'The Plan' straight to video movie. To be honest, I was disappointed, it had it's moments, but to be honest it was just a clip show, albeit of clips you had never seen before. Dean Stockwell was superb, some of the effects were a little iffy, there was one shot of Lucy Lawless, but there was no sense of coherence, sadly, and the sum of the parts did not equal more than the whole, or however that saying goes.
There was some lovely shots of Vancouver however (here he goes again ...)

On the upside 'True Blood' is still wonderful ...

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” - George Bernard Shaw