Funny how your emotions can change like the flip of a coin. Or is it just me? I've had a bit of an emotional trip today. (By which I mean a trip of the emotions not a bus ride that made me cry!) I don't want to go over the same old stuff yet again (er, why not, it's your stock in trade after all?) but there are several triggers which start any negative feelings, and if you've read this blog before you can probably guess most of them. I suppose being aware of this could be the first step to conquering them, but you know me (at least in passing), my lethargy even extends to the mental world. Essentially I have no real beliefs or opinions, lots of self loathing, no motivation, pessimism to spare, and sarcasm in abundance. Strangely though I am quite a nice person, I think. Rambling a go-go?
"The past is filled with silent joys and broken toys, laughing girls and teasing boys,"
I've been so tired for the past few weeks. I don't know whether it's those years of insomnia finally catching up with me, the heat, an attempt to escape from the world, my medication, or just sheer bloody laziness, who cares? All I know is I've been nodding off in the middle of the day, nodding off in the evening, well basically I've been doing a lot of nodding of the off variety.
Where was I?
Oh, I had my 'telephone triage' call from a CPN last week, and she was very surprised at the high dose of medication my GP had started me on, very very surprised indeed. The upshot is an apparent explanation for the horrendous side effects. I've now started a lower dose now, and already feel a bit more human (although, once again, that may be a placebo effect?). I also have to attend a 'course' for six weeks, dealing with various mental health issues, to be honest I'm dreading it!
I should really mention that I still haven't returned to work, I am going back later this week however. I don't really feel quite ready for it, but surely the longer I'm off the harder it will become to finally return (but of course my stomach turns over at the mere thought of it).
Apart from the aforementioned sleeping, I cannot quite recall how I've spent these past few weeks. I've seen quite a bit of Billie, which has certainly helped me feel a little cheerier.
I have watched a boatload of 'Seinfeld' DVDs, initially to cheer me up but then I challenged myself to watch all nine seasons again (nearly there!). Surely the best sitcom of them all !
See! an upbeat ending. See you in two weeks?
"I feel like my old self again. Neurotic, paranoid, totally inadequate, completely insecure. It's a pleasure. " - George Costanza
"Why don't you get back into bed? Why don't you get back into bed?"
It's two weeks since my last post, for crying out loud! For once this wasn't due to lack of content (although that surely helped), no I've spent the last fortnight impersonating (quite accurately) a queasy zombie. Sadly all due to medication? (plus the power of suggestion, I imagine). Thankfully some of the physical symptoms have begun to fade (sadly not the nausea and sleep disturbances, well at least not yet), and there was plenty to choose from. I've been shuffling around the house like a background artiste in 'Cuckoos Nest'. As I stated previously (I think) the downs aren't so bad now, but the price (I think) is the lack of highs. Everything is pretty much flat and uninteresting, but at least the very dark thoughts seem to have vanished. I missed one tablet last week, and the next day I already began to experience withdrawal symptoms, scary eh? Hopefully I'll get back to work this week, a thought that is simultaneously exciting and terrifying, what fun!
“I just read this great science fiction story. It's about how machines take control of humans and turn them into zombie slaves! . . . HEY! What time is it?? My TV show is on!” - Calvin and Hobbes
My head's in a spin, literally. Well, obviously not literally! I'm not Linda Blair, but the medication I'm taking is making me very light headed/fuzzy/hot , and not in a fun way! I almost got back to work today, but experienced something akin to a panic attack / hot flush combo this morning. The side effects are making me feel awful, the 'cure' is almost worse than the disease! Consequently it's back to see my (admittedly very nice) GP tomorrow. No doctors seen in six years, then three times in a month, albeit with the same complaint. I hope he tells me all these side effects will fade, I shall refrain from detailing the others, but they are legion!
In summary - I'm a physical and emotional wreck at the moment, it might be a good time to borrow some money from me! Nothing, even trivial, to discuss, as nothing seems interesting at the moment. I'm finding (surely a symptom) no pleasure in anything over the past few days. However I'm not letting myself get into a complete mess, so I've been forcing myself out of the house everyday, come rain or shine (actually yesterday, I didn't leave the house at all, but I see that as more of a blip?)
Thanks to my now sadly not needed Canada/USA dialling plan I've been able to speak to Billie almost as much as normal, since I can ring her hotel as much as I like at no cost (actually whilst checking out my phone plan online, I came across Andrea's phone number from back in the day, for a moment or two I was very very tempted to ring her) so that's nice, isn't it?
Back soon, I imagine.
(I have their best of compilation and it is utterly fantastic, in a depressing, weird, psychedelic way)
“There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man” - Groucho Marx
"I'm not the kind of man Who tends to socialize, I seem to lean on Old familiar ways, And I ain't no fool for love songs That whisper in my ears, Still crazy after all these years Oh, still crazy after all these years"
Time to report in, I suppose. How's my mental illness going? nice of you to ask!
I've made an effort to shave and iron a shirt everyday (more symbolic really, but I also don't want to be offered spare change out in the street!). I've also tried to get out and walk everyday. also I've cut back on the wine, at least a little, I don't want to head down that particular road.
I had a terrible foreboding a few days ago, that I would never see Billie again. I felt she would make it back from holiday intact, but that maybe I wouldn't be around to greet her. thankfully that particular fantasy has ebbed away (tut tut).
I went back to see my GP as requested (by him) and he did a little scoring test thingy, from which he divined I'm moderately to severely depressed, isn't science a wonderful thing? (I jest of course, I'm a big believer in science). He also started me on some medication. I tried antidepressants once, around six years ago, and they made me feel like a zombie. I felt detached from my surroundings, numb and clumsy. There were other symptoms too, but I won't describe the scatological details. As I type, I feel exactly the same, it seems I don't respond well to this type of medication. I haven't decided whether to continue with them, but I should give it a try. To be honest though all these new symptoms are just as worrying as the anxieties that got me here.
Sadly he said the waiting list for counselling now runs to MONTHS! I think that, above all, is what I need most. Just a listening ear, what most people call friends I believe.
I know this is all pretty pathetic, and just the mid-life crisis of an anonymous middle aged borderline loon, but you never know, I might re-read this sentence in a few years and laugh. No doubt I shall be piloting my futuristic jet-copter to my secret Pacific hide-away at the time.
Speaking of secret Pacific hide-aways (nice link eh?), 'Lost' finished it's six year journey this week (as did two of my other favourites, '24' and 'Ashes To Ashes'). If I were feeling a little more coherent (the drugs have me quite woozy, clumsy and a little hard of thinking) I'd give you a detailed review. Let's just say I had mixed emotions. I especially loved the Juliette/Sawyer reunion, but I felt a bit cheated that events on the 'real' island had almost taken a back seat to the 'sideways'/purgatory world. But the message of the show (and one I have espoused on many many occasions!) is that the journey is just as important as the destination. Frankly no one 'destination' would satisfy all viewers, there was bound to be some disappointment. Many questions were left unanswered, and rightly so in my opinion, the half imagined solutions in the mind are probably more satisfying than anything spelled out for us, to fit the facts. It was a very good ending, but not the great ending I'd hoped for (I think that's more down to sadness at it ending, a future viewing will, I imagine , bring a greater appreciation). I'm rambling, after I said I wouldn't (er, why was Sayid re-united with Shannon rather than his true love, Nadia ? how come Libby was in the church, but not Anna-Lucia, or Mr Ecko? I could go on, but not now eh?). I'll miss it... and goodbye Jack Bauer, for now at least...
“We are like butterflies who flutter for a day and think its forever.” - Carl Sagan
I've just said goodbye to Billie at the Airport (I'm still at home, she was on the phone silly) and find myself once again in tears. Really, on an average week I don't cry this much, but this isn't an average week I suppose. Maybe I'm crazier than I thought? Maybe I just love my Daughter?
I just wish there was someone to sit down with and have a chat over a cup of tea! Even buying Cd's isn't helping me feel any better, it usually does. Here we go again...
“Letter writing is the only device for combining solitude with good company” - Lord Byron
"What goes on in your heart? What goes on in your mind?"
Yesterday I was in floods of tears - twice!
I dropped Billie off at her house for the last time before she goes to Florida. I of course cried my eyes out, what an embarrassing Father I must be! Later I watched the final episode of 'The Pacific'. It hadn't affected me as much as it's predecessor (Band of Brothers) but as the final scene with the real fellas and the actors portraying them rolled by, I found myself welling up again! It's going to be a lonely few days until I go back to work next week. But in fact I feel a little better. I really can't explain why, nothing much has changed, at least not for the better! But I felt so desperate last week , nearly as low as I've ever felt, that any upside is easy to see.
I'm resolving to find some kind interest outside of this house, of course I've said this many times before...
Amusingly Billie rang me earlier and asked for a lift home (as she was feeling lazy, I imagine) she'd been with her friends saying goodbye, obviously I hadn't expected to see her today, but I imagine to keep my emotions in check, mostly!
“People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order so they'll have good voice boxes in case there's ever anything really meaningful to say.”
Funny how your emotions can change like the flip of a coin. Or is it just me?
