'What is the use of a book', thought Alice, 'without pictures or conversations?'

Let me warn you, this takes self pity to a whole new level. Before I was merely a talented amateur, now I have become a master!

Well this is post number 500. It'll be my birthday in a few minutes (actually it's today as I was typing over midnight). Sadly I'll be at work.
Compare and contrast with my joyous Birthday last year, up until then I was used to the monotony an uneventfullness (is that even a word? no matter).

I was a 13 hour shift today and in fact didn't get off the ward till after 9pm, meaning I was in that hospital for nigh on fourteen hours. It was stupidly busy, so much so that I actually asked the Matron for help, which she declined (in fact she made me feel like Oliver Twist asking for more gruel).
I even asked my three colleagues if one of them would hand over, so I could get off a little early and go home and get drunk. they too all declined (this one made me feel a bit more Henny Penny).

There was, however a nice card through my letter box from Billie. This is the first year she hasn't made me a card (I still make hers - so there!) another rite of passage from childhood to adulthood , I could rationalise.
At least I am a late shift tomorrow so I can have a lie in. I've been sleeping a bit better recently, even having a couple of early nights (shiver me timbers!) but this is more down to sheer physical tiredness than any peaceful sense of inner well being and contentment.

I'll end there. You know I could go on, and inevitably will...

(random pleasures from the last few days - Judee Sill CD, and the wonderful season 2 of Mad Men)

(As well as my Birthday, April 30th is also pay day! five long weeks of cash drought over - ebay watch out!)

“The return of my birthday, if I remember it, fills me with thoughts which it seems to be the general care of humanity to escape.” - Samuel Johnson

"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened."- Winston Churchill

"You'll open your umbrella,
And we'll walk between the raindrops back to your door..."

It's almost my 500th post! Any bets on what that'll be about? Will it mention regret? Will it contain a reference to low self esteem? or maybe a mention of alcohol ? I imagine there will be a rather apt quote, and possibly something that appears cryptic, then you realise it's bloody obvious.

Excuse the self referential nature of this 'post' (pah!) but I've just watched the entire first ans second seasons of 'Moonlighting' on DVD this week , so breaking the 'fourth wall' is uppermost in my mind.

I had a missed call at 2.30am, and by the time I'd fumbled with the phone in the dark they were gone - number with-held - was it you? who was it? (I had a similar call a few weeks ago at 4am. If you know me, and I think you do, you will know that A call, ANY call is unusual, never mind such an early morning mystery...

It's my birthday next week. I'm not expecting much*...

"I will not make any deals with you. I've resigned. I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My life is my own. I resign." - Number 6




*i.e. nothing

“When what you want doesn't happen, learn to want what does” - Arabian Proverb

"I was surprised, I was happy for a day in 1975 "

I'm mightily miffed, but more of that later.
My brief stint on nights is over. I never feel quite so optimistic as leaving the hospital after finishing a run of nights, plus it was sunny too!
Sadly that feeling usually dissipates by the time I get home, and optimism is replaced with fatigue.
I intended to fill the day with stuff, but as usual this only reached the heights of nodding off on my Mams settee.
I was supposed to pick Billie up in the town centre (I found this out eventually after she 'forgot' to ring me last night) . I'm rambling. So I sit on a bench and wait, and then I wait some more. I call her, no answer, I start to worry. Eventually I find myself wandering amongst the shops, and amazingly I spot her going into a clothes shop with two (very short) friends. I uncomfortably hang around outside, and after an age they emerge, she walks right past me (I'm sure she didn't see me) and I actually have to call out to her. The expected look of horror appears on her face.Apparently it would be really uncool to even admit you have a parent at her age, never mind be seen interacting with one. She blurts out that she isn't finished yet (even though many shops were closing) and says she will just go home when she is done. I didn't want to argue, as she would never forgive me creating any type of scene. The wise man knows when to retreat.
I haven't seen her at all this week. In a strange kind of bizarro empty nest syndrome, the one person who actually needed me, doesn't anymore. Although it's inevitable its also very painful. I'm pleased she is sociable and popular, but I miss the little girl sometimes.

What's to become of Billy?

“He who eats alone chokes alone.” - another Arabian Proverb

The Weekend Starts Here!

"I keep you close,
In my wildest dreams,
My rear-view mirror,
And you're waving to me,
Our last goodbye"

I was looking forward to tonight. (it's Friday)
Note the word 'was'.
I was the first to arrive at the restaurant (one of my Filipino Colleagues handed over for me). There were only seven of us. Maybe there was something about the place (see earlier post) but more likely it was me being a misanthrope.
I'm not an easy person to like. Likewise I'm not easy to get to know. I suffer fools not at all and everyone else can pretty much go to hell. But for whatever reason I couldn't loosen up and as soon as the meal was over , I made my excuses and left for the lonely and sober walk home. The walk in itself was both educational and a little scary, passing various examples of Sunderlands fine drunken Friday nighters, I was very glad and relieved to get home.

Since I'm averaging one night out every four months, then I should be going out again in August - bring it on!

This clip is so fantastic, please watch it all the way through!

“At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.” - Tina Fey

“Children are our second chance to have a great parent-child relationship”

"Lastly, you're all alone with nothing left but sleep,
But sleep never comes to you,
it's just the guilt and forever wakefulness of the weak"

My Dad, an emotional lost cause of course, but hope (even mine) springs eternal. I called in earlier after work, to get my post (I get all my parcels and stuff delivered there, since if I'm at work , there's no one to answer my door, see?). Anyway, last week he called me 'boring' but this week he topped this by reminding me that I have no friends, and that I'm effectively all alone in the world (although that last bit is my summing up, obviously). Whilst these two facts are not in dispute, is it really the supportive nurturing parent that reports this kind of insight to their child? In all of my 43 years I cannot recall him showing me any affection, or any physical contact. Sometimes I want to cry about it, sometimes.
I really am alone.

I have told Billie that if I ever, ever, ever get even an iota like him, she has my permission to shoot me dead. - but I worry that in Billie's life I am only a peripheral figure, more of a convenience than a role model. I'm full of shit I know...

On Friday there is a ward night out , the first since Christmas.
Sensitively they are going to the same restaurant, almost exactly one year later -to the day, that we celebrated my birthday last year, during Barbara's wonderful/tragic visit - this makes me sad , very sad.
Today is not a good day.

Billy out.

“The father who does not teach his son his duties is equally guilty with the son who neglects them.” - Confucius

“How far away the stars seem, and how far is our first kiss, and ah, how old my heart.”

“The last stroke of midnight dies.
All day in the one chair
From dream to dream and rhyme to rhyme I have ranged
In rambling talk with an image of air:
Vague memories, nothing but memories.”
- WB Yeats


Well, here goes nothing,

A strange automated call from my bank, five more attempted claims on my terminated debit card. Most interesting was the 57p from a pet store in the USA ?!?!?!? Blimey big scale fraud eh? I can only assume my card has been cloned.
My missing £569 still hasn't been returned alas - soon, soon, soon!

I was essentially blackmailed into staying late at work today, we have been struck with a lot of sickness, and a heck of a lot of maternity leave, staff are thin on the ground, but only in the numerical case in my instance.

I spent the whole of "Good" (!) Friday in t'house , in my 'night' clothes. I was feeling very depressed (so?) and spent the whole day in front of the TV with a cosy blanket (at least in my mind that's what happened). Speaking of TV, the long awaited return of Red Dwarf to TV was about as exciting as a wet sparkler, ie not at all. It looked nice, but was lacking the one essential element of a comedy show - comedy!

And speaking of TV , I'll be sad to see 'Life' go, one of the few 'cop' shows I actually watch (but more importantly enjoy - it's funny see). The finale made no bloody sense at all, an attempt to tie up loose ends in the face of almost certain cancellation.
Which naturally leads me onto the clumsily titled 'Terminator The Sarah Connor Chronicles'. Season two has been, well mostly humdrum (don't get me started on the forced relgious overtones), and it was almost painful watching Shirley Manson literally learning to act in front of my very own eyes. But heaven forbid! - the last few episodes have been , well, quite good! However it's a case of too little, much much too late, and It must surely be cancellation time. You all know how much I admire Ms. Manson, but I really cannot imagine any other parts she could play. She just about (just) carries off the part of an emotionless, naive killing machine (with red hair), that speaks in monotone (albeit a fabulous Edinburgh accent, I absolutely adore Edinburgh, although it will always now remind me of Barbara, and another of my wonderfully executed faux pas) . Whereas as a singer she is animated, alive, enigmatic, colourful, and above all gorgeous (and Scottish - if Scotland ever becomes independent, please, please take the North East with you, after all I'm nearer to Edinburgh than most of Scotland, plus I work in the NHS, I want all the freedoms you wonderful Scots enjoy, maybe I would just emigrate).
Apologies SM, every journey begins with a single step.

Rambling ends...

fab! groovy! etc!

“When you are old and gray and full of sleep, and nodding by the fire, take down this book and slowly read, and dream of the soft look your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep.”

“Nothing cures insomnia like the realisation that it's time to get up”

"And everywhere I go,
There's always something to remind me
Of another place and time
Where love that travelled far had found me. "

A slight return - The disputed money was going to Tesco, and it was fraudulent! After what? 14 years online, this is the first time I've been caught out, me! I ask you - Mr. Two virus scanners and two spy ware scanners. Luckily my bank is sorting it out, unluckily they had to cancel my card, meaning Billy cannot buy anything online until after the two Easter bank holidays - crikey.

My neighbours smoke alarms battery has obviously run out, and has been peeping continuously for about three weeks - it's driving me crazy man , crazy! Do I knock on the door and mention it, or wait until the lazy so and so changes the damn battery (excuse my language!)

Tonight I watched "Village of the Damned" and "The Lost Boys", and enjoyed them both immensely.

Conversely I feel terrible, I am hardly sleeping, I feel depressed, and my Sister says I look dreadful.

I feel dreadful.

“I don't consider myself a pessimist. I think of a pessimist as someone who is waiting for it to rain. And I feel soaked to the skin.” - Leonard Cohen

“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.” - W.C. Fields

"Yes, I know my luck too well
And I'll probably never see you again
I'll probably never see you again
I'll probably never see you again"

I'm quite dull. Or at least I lead quite a dull life. Hence no posts recently. How many times can you say, work was busy, I miss someone, I'm miserable? (quite a lot it would seem).
Today I'm waiting a mysterious £600 withdrawal from my bank account. I don't know where it's going (yet) but my bank cannot help me until it leaves the account, so cue Billy worrying, worrying and worrying. My silly bank lets you see your balance, plus the available balance, and there is a £600 difference. Amazingly in this high tech world, they cannot tell me the source of this, until it actually goes, bye bye money!

(I'm sure, they'll be able to retrieve it, by which I mean I'm not bloody sure at all...)

“I only drink to steady my nerves. Sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.” - W.C. Fields

“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist”

Is there anybody there?

I thought I'd better stop buy, so the authorities don't start to worry.
Nothing has happened, obviously not literally, but as damn near!
Even less will happen next week alas, as Billie is off to her Grandmothers for a week or so (Easter already! Blimey!)
I've bought a lot of Cd's this week, nothing to worry about in a cosmic sense, but enough to raise a little pang of guilt in my sociopathic psyche (obviously I am not a sociopath, in case the authorities really are monitoring!). - Although to be honest some were selling for the princely sum of 25p (I got 11 for £3.75 yesterday, how exciting).

The week is following the familiar pattern of, work, time wasted, time regretted, sleep (or at least my version of it). The days are so sunny now, not warm, but sunny. Although this shows up the dust more, you can't help but feel a little lifted, and I mean a little.

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose” - George Carlin