"And I'd been the shadow Of your shadow "
Well, as predicted, returning to work was like slipping on an old shoe, albeit one with a few sharp stones in it. As I've said many times before, being back makes me appreciate all that wasted time so much more.
It's been a long time since I had any real friends, and I spend so much time alone, that it is becoming far too comfortable. There was a ward night out last night, the food was even subsidised, but I had no real interest in going. I had a bit of a cold , so I spun that up into an excuse not to be there. I really do seem to enjoy my own company far too much, but I cannot tell if that is a defense mechanism, or how I really feel. Never mind, I'm sure I'll return to this topic again and again. Despite my braggadocio, I do get lonely, and often. I have no outlet at all to talk about the things I like. In considering I have no social life, and have not had a grown up conversation for at least 18 months, I am surprisingly well adjusted.
I'll stop there because this usually leads me in only one direction, and I'll end up feeling worse than I already do.
My first 13 hour shift for over a month tomorrow, whoop de woo!
Goodnight.
I suspect these guy were also the 'Banana Splits'
"Every man's tale's guid till anither's tauld."
2 comments:
I am a type 4 - a romantic - I put some descriptions of the personality type below. You don't have to read it all. But I thought maybe you wouldn't feel so lonely or unable to fully express your thoughts/feelings further on your blog. Reading your blog...well I can relate and its comforting.
The Romantic believes you must obtain the longed for ideal relationship or situation to be loved. Consequently, Romantics are idealistic, deeply feeling, empathetic and authentic to self, but also dramatic, moody and sometimes self-absorbed.
"Lost” essential quality: An experience of the original deep and complete connection to everything.
Compensating belief: Something vitally important is missing and must be regained to relieve the painful feeling of deficiency and loss of connection.
Attention/coping strategy: Searching for the ideal love or circumstances that will make you feel loved, whole and complete again. Putting attention on intense feelings concerning that which you view as important and missing.
Trap: Trying to obtain the special, ultimate love or situation that will make you complete.
Driving energy: Envy and longing, fueling the search for whatever seems necessary to make life fulfilling.
Avoidance: Being ordinary, deficient, lacking.
Strengths: Creative disposition, passion, empathy, emotional depth.
Paradox: Wanting what is missing perpetuates dissatisfaction with what is present.
Ultimate task: Reclaiming wholeness in the present moment by appreciating what is here and now, and accepting yourself as you are without needing to be special and unique.
http://www.amazon.com/Essential-Enneagram-Definitive-Personality-Self-Discovery/dp/0062516760
I just re-read that last post and it sounded quite pathetic. I was just trying to put down 'the fact' and it didn't quite come out that way. I could be so much more open about how I feel but, part of us holds back in such an open forum.
Anyway thanks for such a lengthy and insightful comment.
I think all of my problems boil down to one thing - laziness.
I could do all the things that I perceive would make me happy, but it's far too easy just to sit down , and forget about them!
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