"I was so upset that I cried, all the way to the chip shop"
It's nearly 2am! I'm staying up as late as I can, in a half arsed way of preparing for night shift tonight. For some reason this seems to include sipping on a glass of wine (what? at 2am!). I could do with a good heart to heart. I'd love someone I could talk to, openly and honestly, but of course I don't have anyone like that, not anymore.
Either I'm being haunted, going mad, very tired, hallucinating , or developing some kind of visual problem. I'm seeing things at the periphery of my vision, which aren't there. I don't believe in any kind of supernatural phenomena, so it's either madness or a brain tumour! what a choice!
I haven't mentioned how much I hate night shift since the last time I did them , so tradition dictates I have to , so I have, there you go!
Yesterday was my last day on my temporary new ward. It wasn't a nightmare, in fact it was rather pleasant. Maybe a change is as good as a rest? In another cliche based revelation, it was a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there!
be seeing you?
“Many things--such as loving, going to sleep, or behaving unaffectedly--are done worst when we try hardest to do them.” - C.S. Lewis
"I was wondering If you smiled today? Or if you had something Nice to say? Or did you send out love In any way?"
Well, needless to say I didn't write any letters, to anybody.
Also another week where I only see Billie once ! (no fault of her own though)
My Dad gave me a Vancouver keyring this week. Heaven knows where he got it from, but it was a nice thought, even though just knowing it's in my pocket makes me sad.
Speaking of my Dad, I know that many many times I've bemoaned how we don't get on (oh you noticed, did you?) but for once that's not what's on my mind. Over the last few months he has been visibly dwindling and becoming more and more frail. His appetite is practically nil, and he's always been thin (lucky so and so). I'm really worried contemplating what the next few months might hold for him.
In a similar vein, I'm suddenly feeling very old myself. Sad to think that all the good stuff in life is behind me now, so many wasted opportunities, so much wasted time. At least I've got nostalgia to keep me going.
Nighty night!
“How did it get so late so soon? Its night before its afternoon. December is here before its June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?” - Dr.Seuss
"You have a date for half past eight tonight, Some distant bell starts chiming now"
Well another uneventful week draws to a , er... middle. Six straight days at work over, and a days off / pay day combo arrives (and promptly leaves I suspect).
It feel like an age since I was on my 'own' ward, and it is if you consider a month an age. I also have the indignity of night shift next week , as if moving to another ward was not punishment enough!
Events transpire so that I'll only see Billie once this week, and that was today (actually now yesterday).
I bought a pack of fortune cookies, to amuse Billie mostly (although it turned out she amusingly/annoyingly assigned some sort of significance to them!). Anyway mine said ; 'write a letter to a Friend'.What's that mean eh? eh? (here he goes again!)
This last week I've watched all 37 episodes of 'Time Gentleman Please' (I'm cheeky me), continued to be very poor at 'Rock Band' and been a bit disappointed that Richard Alpert (in 'Lost') is only 160ish. I always thought he would be an ancient Egyptian (at least that would explain the eyeliner) or summat. [Speaking of this weeks lost, how come a slave ship (with very roomy accommodation by the way, heading from Tenerife to 'The New World' ended up in the South Pacific??? who was navigating? Helen Keller? (one for the kids there)].
More of the same headed your way soon...
but who can I write a letter to?
“Time and words can't be recalled, even if it was only yesterday” - Yiddish Proverb
"Steve McQueen jumped the first one clean But the great escape he'd tried to make was not to be. Maybe next time Steve."
Now you probably see my lack of posting over the last couple of weeks as a sign. A sign that I've had such an exciting whirligig of a time that I haven't had time to post. Very likely eh? usually I post when I open a new box of cereal, actually no I don't do I? I don't know what I was thinking there (soemthing about insignificance I suppose). Well here I am last day before I return to work, it's mid-afternoon, and I'm still in my dressing gown. To be honest I don't have any reason not to be. I suppose I should bit the bullet and go out grocery shopping. I've got a six day stretch starting tomorrow, and there's more nutrition in the dust on your monitor, than in my kitchen cupboards (that's the content of said cupboards, not the cupboards themselves of course).I have of course, got a two week stretch on a Ward that is not my own. I'm so deep in my rut at work that it's making me a little nervous.
In actually important events, my Brother in Law had his bypass surgery and is doing well. I'll try and get down to York again soon. After all it's April soon, which means my Birthday and more importantly the start of the NHS holiday year (April to April like the financial one, I've never understood why?).
Three weeks ago, I told myself that I'd visit my GP. Firstly It's about time I got myself a referral for some hand surgery, before that thumb becomes unusable. Secondly I was going to make a self referral for some counselling. My Brother has been going (to the same Health Centre) for years and it seems to really help him. He has good support from Friends already. I've none at all so being able to speak to someone should benefit me even more? is that logical? - oh! and of course I never got around to making that appointment!
Needless to say this evening will bring solitary wine drinking, a smidgen of crippling loneliness, a smattering of brooding, and a dash of regret. A perfect recipe!
Rambling Syd Rumpo out,
Be seeing you!
“Habits are cobwebs at first; cables at last” - Chinese Proverb
"William wakes with his clothes on The morning call has been and gone"
For the first time in quite a while, my dirty laundry pile is small enough to look over whilst in the bath. Whilst it's not much of a view, it does indicate that I've done some washing!
I'm dreading, absolutely dreading returning to work after my fortnight off (is fortnight a British expression? I must investigate... ...seems it is, and in commonwealth countries. On a tangent for Commonwealth, read countries we used to kill for expansion, but who now we want to be friends with, probably for oil!) Not because I have any reason too, just that status change dread. For all the loneliness and boredom, it wasn't all bad! I really am rambling am I not. But remember when you were a kid, and the feeling you got on the last few days of the 'six weeks' holiday (as we called it, you may have called it something completely different, in fact I'm sure of it) that knot in your stomach, the sense of doom (apparently a heart attack produces a sense of doom, but I'm pretty sure it's not that). Must try and focus...
I need something to look forward too. Something to carry me over the next , er , bit of my 'so called life'. No holidays booked yet, as their anticipation usually works, it's my Birthday soon, but that is certainly no cause for celebration, no social events of any kind. In fact I cannot adequately convey just how monotonous my life is, but most of the time it doesn't seem to bother me. Not because I'm content however, but that the (much) previously mentioned fear of change petrifies me in it's turned to stone sense. Change isn't exactly the right word, but you catch my much heralded drift I suspect.
I've been stuck in a bit of cyclical thinking for the past few weeks, I really should try and break out of it, but my thoughts keep returning to the same thing , again and again and again*
I'm very tired, a bit run down, and feeling quite, quite sorry for myself, so please indulge me one more time as I take another swig from that big bottle o' self pity i keep on the desk here. Cheers! Glug, Glug, Glug...
*fancy that
“We'll never know the worth of water till the well goes dry.” - Scottish Proverb
But how many times can I walk away and wish "If only..." But how many times can I talk this way and wish "If only..." Keep on making the same mistake Keep on aching the same heartbreak I wish "If only..."
Foolishly, I was looking through old photos earlier. Now this, at least for me, is never a good idea. The fact that the photos were of my trip to Canada might indicate where this is going, I don't need to go on do I ? Regrets? I've had a few, but none more than that one. The funny thing is that if I were now asked about why it happened I could probably give you an half arsed attempt at an explanation, something I couldn't back then. It's almost two years for goodness sake, will it ever stop hurting? Where's Doc Brown when you really need him?
More mundanely, my holiday is drawing to a close. I say holiday, but it was just my usual days off repeated ad nauseum. Whilst that's not a bad thing after the first five days or so I was bored stiff. Now I am in full rigor mortis. Haven't seen much of Billie this week, in fact I haven't seen much of anybody. I'm feeling very isolated, but what's new? It just makes playing 'Rock Band' all on my own even sadder. I still stink (at rock band, my personal hygiene continues to be an exemplar.)
Of course I planned trips on almost a daily basis (that's the planning, not the trips). I was a single key press away from booking an Hotel in Glasgow, (after finally dismissing Belfast as an option) but I decided that since a two night trip would end up costing about the same as half of my proposed Las Vegas trip, that something was off kilter a bit ( no pun intended).
I got a really nice comment from an actual reader (see last post) hello there! happy reading! I just watched a high def copy of 'Tron'. Whilst to my nostalgic retro loving eyes it was fun, I dread what Billie (and by implication her generation) would have made of it. So slowly paced and stilted, and not quite what CGI conjures up to a modern audience eh? Still I love it, and look forward to the Sequel in December.I went to see Tron in December 1982, with my first girlfriend Eileen (first implies a subsequent long line, whereas the number is more than two and less than five). I wonder what she's doing now? (in contrast to the above tomfoolery, back in '82 I actually became very, very good at the Tron arcade game. I occasionally had my name as top scorer even! I must have spent a small fortune)
End Of Line...
Actually a song about Billy Mackenzies suicide, but the sentiment and 'I miss you' refrain gets me up every time.
“It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"This old road, I don't know where it leads, And I don't care, cause it's not hard for me to see, That when it ends there'll be nothing there for me, Cause the only thing I care about, I've gotta live without."
Blimey, talk about turnaround. After last times brief optimism, I am so not in a good mood today (and that is a tad understated). For some reason I got in a bit of a panic whilst driving down to York today. The sun was shining, it was quite mild, but despite this I found the drive far less than relaxing. In all truth, I don't get on the motorway much, however I've never had this trouble before (anxiety/ sweaty palms) what on earth? I visited my Brother in Law , Ian , in hospital, and he seemed pretty well to be honest, just a little (a lot) stir crazy! I hope he gets out soon, before he tries to escape! It was strange being in an Hospital other than my own though.
Billie has declined to stay over this week. Initially, I was very upset, but a little contemplation on the matter and I surmise it's probably a teenage thing. It's not me she's rejecting, just her friends are more important (I hope!).
Above all I'm feeling very, very lonely today (ironic eh? see previous posts). Lonely and bored. It's only 9pm, but I toyed with the idea of going to bed, right now! Simply because it seemed the most interesting alternative.
I shall miss 6 Music, I cannot believe the decision to scrap it. It is my constant companion overnight and in the mornings!
Traci Lords is fabulous in this!
"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses." - Steven Wright
"It's fare thee well my old lover, I never expect to see you again , For I'm bound to ride that northern railroad, Perhaps I'll die upon this train. "
Well, how's my 'holiday' going? quickly, that's how! You may remember the slight return of my leaky roof about six weeks ago? no? fair enough. Anyhow yesterday I finally got around to painting over the stain. For some stupid reason I started after it got dark , and by the light of a single bulb I started clearing the shelves and disassembling my computer. After about four hours of almost nude decorating (don't ask) it was done. I felt as though I'd achieved something. Of course in the light of day, it was obvious I'd missed most of the stain (despite using 'special' paint). I was simply too lazy to move my computer, desk, wires aplenty, and all the toys from the shelves, so I did what any lazy man would do, sellotaped a roller to a long piece of wood and painted around everything as best I could. With total disregard for curtains et al! As long as you don't stare at it it looks okay! Billie said her exams were 'hard'. I can't tell if this was 'hard, but do-able' or 'hard and a disaster', but we have to wait till June to find out!
We spent a happy few hours playing ' Beatles Rock Band' after school. Since I won't be seeing the 'Cirque Du Soleil' Beatles show in Las Vegas now, it was an holiday treat to myself (only £50, with instruments). In short we are both quite rubbish, but we had fun!
Hopefully I'm off to York tomorrow to visit my Brother in Law in hospital. It occurs to me the last time I was there was two years ago, when I visited with Barbara. It's a cliche I know, but where does the time go?
I've just eaten half a carton of 'wasabe' pringles - delicious!
Back to my usual miserable self next time I imagine...
(I finally got their greatest hits album from amazon - it's fabulous!)
"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?" - Steven Wright
"You know it seems the more we talk about it, It only makes it worse to live without it"
This is all about things I didn't do, well at least those in the last week anyway.
First and most obviously I didn't go to Las Vegas - well duh!
More meaningfully however, I chose (by inaction) not to pursue a potential relationship with a very nice lady I met online . Not only was she real and geographically local (joke), but she seemed to actually like me too (or at least the version of myself the Internet portrays). Why the kibosh you are probably asking, probably. I know I am. I'm not completely sure to be honest. Lets free associate ; It surely can't be any residual feelings for Barbara? that is long buried (although I still think of her very often, and couldn't even watch the Olympics for a single second). I'm certainly lonely, and I know that I can be quite good company, at least at first. Maybe deep down I'm just lazy (I know I am lazy in pretty much all other areas of life), and while not exactly comfortable with my routine, maybe more scared of what it could become. All indications were she was/is intelligent and funny, but she seemed to be an actual adult, not a child masquerading as one. I don't mean that being an adult is a bad thing, it's just I'm not very good at being one, honestly. I'm not a violent or angry person, but I really don't think anyone would want to be around me for very long at the moment. I'm just so insufferably miserable. Of course there's always the possibility that this is a symptom and not the disease, but we'll probably never know eh? (that was a very messy paragraph both in argument and grammar, sorry). The best aspect of 'things' is that they inevitably change. Sadly this is also the worst thing about them too.
My Brother in Law, who is one of the most easy going and genial men I've ever know, had an heart attack last week. He'll need bypass surgery too. He's a pretty active fella too. Really I'm so much more the typical heart attack victim. I hope I can stay lucky!
On a more pleasant note, Billie suddenly told me last week that she is doing three g.c.s.e.s this week. I can only imagine she didn't say anything earlier because she didn't want a fuss. I hope with all my heart she passes, there is no way in the world that I could have sat and passed real exams when I was 13, good luck darling daughter. (she's also had a little story published in a collection, in a real bonafide , but strangely expensive book, I do hope it's not a scam!)
"You should stay away from your potential, you know. It's a lot like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think" - Dylan Moran
"I was so upset that I cried, 
