“To the wise, life is a problem; to the fool, a solution” - Marcus Aurelius

"On the back of a carton coaster,
In the blue TV screen light,
I drew a map of Canada,
Oh Canada,
With your face sketched on it twice"

Well after the bleakness of the weekend, today was a little  sunnier, in all senses. 

Billie stayed over last night , and while all I got was teenage indifference, it still cheered me up. Today we went to an early showing of "Scott Pilgrim versus The World". I absolutely loved it but I could tell from Billies antsy shuffling that she wasn't having such a good time. On the way to drop her off (for an urgent rendezvous with friends) I tried quizzing her on the films merits, but she wasn't in a talkative mood. I try to not let this sort of behaviour bother me any more, and it didn't. 

I'm, I imagine, not in the films ideal demographic, yet still I found it touching, exciting and very very funny. Michael Cera was not an obvious choice as Scott Pilgrim (at least to me , but on reflection he is a 22 year old Canadian), but his usual fey and slightly embarrassed persona fit the character perfectly. most of all I loved the crazy logic of the whole movie, no one (in the films world) questioned any of the goings on, and the direction was kinetic without being choppy. There were several laugh out loud moments ("they make movies in Toronto?") , which were greeted with an 'embarrasing Dad' glare from Billie). I really thought a 14 year old would have appreciated it more (what does that say about me?)

I am going to enjoy this rare evening of feeling, well okay - Wine, Mad Men and True Blood await (that sounds a little more exciting than the reality). Normal service will be resumed shortly...

 
“Solitude is impractical and yet society is fatal.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"There is less to this than meets the eye." - Tallulah Bankhead

Someone flicked a switch marked 'Summer' and by default came Autumn. That's how today feels. Permeating everything is a sense of coolness, both of temperature and mood. I look around me and the world looks worn and washed out, almost faded.

Faded not in a nostalgic, sepia way, but in a decaying, used up sense. I know that simply it's the end of Summer, and my mental state is, of course, colouring my outlook, but today (Sunday) something changed. I've often bemoaned my distaste for Sundays, and as tomorrow is also a Bank Holiday, that's like getting two in row - Double Sunday! Twice the sense of doom (I believe a lot of people like Bank Holidays, but they probably have things like options). O, woe is me.

“Whether the knife falls on the melon or the melon on the knife, the melon suffers” - African proverb

“What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself”

No nightmares last night, in fact quite the opposite. 

A very pleasant dream about Barbara. 

Simply an enjoyable conversation as she sat on a sofa (I seemed to be floating around in some non-logical dream point of view, of course) . It was lit very dramatically, the colour desaturated, almost black and white, and I couldn't make out the rest of the room, all deep in shadow.

Of course I can't remember any details of the conversation, but I did wake smiling, and for once feeling very happy. 

The odd detail that sticks in my mind is she was wearing leather trousers!! 

What's the Freudian significance of that? I don't like them (it was my dream after all) and it's not something I would've ever imagined her wearing (no pun intended, as some part of me obviously did).

“Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary” - Mark Twain

“Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.” - Dr.Seuss

“A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures”

Something a bit new for tonight. 

I had an hour or so where I felt what can only describe as complete despair. I shuffled around my little house for a while, until thankfully it passed. 

I don't want to feel like that ever again. At least Edmond Dantès had a little bit of company.

Otherwise the day was quite unremarkable (yet still he makes one) .

“When you are old and gray and full of sleep, and nodding by the fire, take down this book and slowly read, and dream of the soft look your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep.” - WB Yeats

“Men become old, but they never become good”

"Well, as they drove off, they were crying,
And no one can know for sure,
If that is why they didn't see,
The sign that said 'Detour'."

Monday morning, earlyish. I had yet another horrible nightmare (are there any other kind?).

It's recent enough to be still hanging around my psyche. If this was a film, then it would be my subconscious offering up clues to a long forgotten, or never noticed mystery. But it isn't, it's just another nightmare. 

I mentioned the potential optimism of mornings last week. It seems that doesn't apply to today, the day ahead is pressing down on me , making me struggle for breath, at least for a moment or two. No plans, no desires, nowhere to go, and no-one to not do it with. 

I'm a fun guy.

Billie stayed over on Saturday night. Her Blackberry never left her hand, but more interestingly it rarely stopped pinging alerts, or buzzing merrily to itself. She had something like 25 friend requests on (although I use the term 'friend' very loosely in relation to Facebook). In contrast , I deleted my 'profile' a couple of months ago, and no-one noticed. I haven't heard my phone ring in weeks. However I did get a text last week, it was my phone bill. 

“Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.” - Oscar Wilde

“Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch.” - Orson Welles

Yeah, like that happens, all the time!

"The longer the night lasts, the more our dreams will be." - Chinese Proverb

"She grew so lonely
in the end. Angels picked her for a friend."

Ol' misery guts here again.
I'm off to bed in a minute (and it's only 9 o'clock !), I feel rough , both physically, and mentally. I've also got a terrible terrible toothache, at my age too! I've taken every painkiller I can find (but in a medicinal rather than suicidal way!), looks like that tooth will finally have to come out!
I've been troubled by nightmares this week on three successive night, which is unusual for me (and I imagine everyone else!). I'll not go into the actual nature of the nightmares, but they were pretty freaky!
I'm still feeling constantly tired and consequently I'm having no trouble getting to sleep. However, I'm now having trouble staying asleep, which combined with the early sunrise, has led to some early mornings. Often though it's good to be up early on a summers day with the whole day ahead. It's when I feel the most optimistic, at least without the aid of wine!

“Don't consider your reputation and you may do anything you like”

“If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I'd be picking roses for a lifetime.” - Swedish Proverb

Today has not been a good day. I got out of bed early, as has been my habit these last few months. However something , maybe the weather (it rained all day!), maybe the day (Fridays seem to get me very down these past few weeks), whatever I knew it was one of those days where my dressing gown would play a large role. I never left the house today, and save for a couple of boiled eggs, I haven't eaten anything. Tonight, I downed a whole bottle of red wine, and that as usual led to a self pitying post. For the first time in a long while I contemplated the end of my amusingly titled "life". Feeling sorry for myself? you bet, but who else will? My daughter is at the time of her life when parents are simply embarrassing, my family regard me as the guy who rants about nothing of any consequence, and consequently interrupts 'bargain hunt'.
Obviously I didn't "end it all", I'm probably too much of a coward. I listened to music, read some of my book, and watched an escapist movie or two. I Imagine tomorrow will be essentially the same. Ho hum...

Eventually something has to change, for better or worse - stay tuned.

“When the game is over, the king and the pawn go into the same box” - Italian proverb

“If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story.”

“I'm sorry to say
so but, sadly it's true
that bang-ups and hang-ups
can happen to you”

“If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.” - Tallulah Bankhead

It's been quite a while, hasn't it?
I feel somewhat better, at least mentally, and to the NHS I shall soon return, but this time as its servant, not a patient! ( and I have never dreaded anything so much!)

Engaging non sequiturs ...

Today, and hopefully tomorrow, I feel better. My physical symptoms have all but subsided, and mentally, whilst not exactly Stephen Fry, I feel a whole lot better (next day sober edit - hasn't Stephen Fry got bipolar disrder? not a very good example eh Billy?). Nothing has really changed , but time and medication has almost returned me to "normal" whatever that means?
I must add that tonight, I've had a drink , for the first time in a long time (well anything more than a single glass), and without any nausea too! bonus!

I shall not go into too much detail, but alcohol usually precipitates nostalgic dwelling, and sad sad self loathing...

Mary, Mungo and Midge.
See?

My Daughter is so grown up, it confounds me. I miss the 9 year old that depended on me so much, but celebrate the 14 year old , who is more savvy than I will ever be.
Normality regained? what's normal?

I've just watched the three movies that make up Steig Larssons "Millennium" trilogy. Together with "Wallander" they make me want to up sticks and relocate to Sweden. what a beautiful, but (as portrayed) forlorn and tragic Country... (er, by the way, I really really liked the movies)
But why do they need an English language (i.e. American) remake? (see my opinion on "Let The Right One In" too), and furthermore, Daniel Craig is, at least in my opinion, simply too young to be Blomkvist...

In more concrete terms, er ...
Sorry, I am really really tipsy, and it's 2am. Recently 2am finds me dead to the world to me, after all those years of insomnia! For some reason tonight I can't sleep, so rambling ensues...

Is there anybody out there trying to get through?The new season of "Mad Men" just makes me pine for the 60s even more...

I had two really really big and unexpected bills this week, but my medication stopped me from feeling too bad about it (?), I'm broke. but emotionally neutral...

Tomorrow (today?) I'll probably feel the polar opposite of how I feel now...

A few days ago I accidentally rang Barbara (remember?) rather than my Mam (damn you speed dial, you'd think after two years I'd have deleted that number) . I hung up as soon as I noticed. However for the following hour or so I was simultaneously excited and terrified, should anything come of it. In retrospect it was about 3am Vancouver time.

Loneliness isn't so bad, at least for tonight......

According to blogger.com , I have 5, count 'em, followers, hello guys!!!

“It infuriates me to be wrong when I know I'm right.”
- Moliere