"Do you have Soul?""That all depends".

"If you are looking for disappointment
You can find it around any corner"

Quite some time has passed eh? Is there a good reason for this? Well, er, no, just apathy mixed with a dash of laziness, and a whole mess of 'what's the point?'.
but here goes ;

First It looked like something was going to happen to me there for a minute, but in an attempt to be completely upfront about what I like to call 'my personality' I may have taken good first impressions to a new all time low, or bad first impressions to an all time high , you decide!
Nothing ventured eh? I shall remain beguilingly vague on the matter.
Amazingly I actually spent a big part of the week planning what seemed like a bargain holiday next week to, of all places - Las Vegas! (yes you read that correctly!).
However despite all my planning the bargain price had blinded me to one fact, a thirty hour travelling time (that's thirty there and another thirty back, so I suppose that's actually sixty- duh!).
Even though I'm travel starved, I just couldn't face a twelve hour overnight wait at JFK (that sounds pretty cosmopolitan doesn't it?), amongst other waiting highlights, so I'm simply not going. A more reasonable time of 17 hours was later found but it was 50% more pounds, and I simply can't afford it.
I always recall a Viz 'top tip' from about 20 years ago - "half the fun is planning the holiday, so this year I'm planning two, and staying at home".

I woke up a few days ago with a mouthful of cold sores (which means I'm tired or stressed, or more likely both). To be honest I looked like the winner of a cheese on toast marathon. thankfully they are almost gone. Now why did I feel the need to write that down eh?

what a terrible trailer for such a great film!

"Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?" (yes I watched 'High Fidelity' tonight)

“Doing nothing is better than being busy doing nothing”

"I'm afraid sometimes you'll play lonely games too, games you can't win because you'll play against you"

"They come on like they're peaceful
But inside they're so uptight
They trip through their day
And waste all their thoughts at night"


Well here I am, and once again it's not for the content, more the illusion of sharing. It's after midnight, I don't want to go to bed yet, I'm relatively sober, but something feels comforting about visiting the old blog tonight. Nothing continues to happen.

The highlight of my week thus far has been watching the last few episodes of True Blood in one sitting. Like all beloved entertainment, we want it all at once, even though we know it will be months before there's anything new. Only 7 months until season 3 ! And whilst in a TV frame of mind, this weeks 'House' was an interesting failure. I'm all for format busting, but 45 minutes of storyless bureaucracy (it was a Cuddy-centric episode) is hardly riveting, unlike last years Wilson episode (and that's not me being sexist).

The Vancouver Olympics start tomorrow, and In an alternate universe Billie and myself would be attending. Once upon a time that was actually true, but now long forgotten. It's half term next week to boot ;“The best laid schemes o' mice and men Gang aft a-gley; And leave us naught but grief and pain For promised joy”
Be seeing you,
squeak, squeak, squeak...

“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.” - George Burns

“One always speaks badly when one has nothing to say” - Voltaire

"I got the message and the message is clear,
I really really really really wish you were here"

Well here's a thing, I had a nice day! Billie stayed last night. we had a pleasant trip t' MetroCentre where neither of us bought anything, although an emergency stop at Sainburys did yield an excellent Northern Soul Box Set for me (CDs are of course my ongoing addiction). The good part (at least for me) is that since Billie is currently grounded for misdemeanours, she consequently had nowhere to go the following day, we slobbed around watching TV, generally doing nothing much, which I really enjoyed.

So there you go, I had a pleasant day with my Daughter, and only now as bedtime approaches and the darkness of midnight begins to slide its ever comfortable arms around me, do I find my mind wandering to its old concerns and hang-ups. But at least I know I'm still capable of feeling happy, somewhere deep deep down...

(a cover of a track from one of my all time favourite movies... any guesses philistines?)

“I always knew looking back on my tears would bring me laughter, but I never knew looking back on my laughter would make me cry.” - Cat Stevens

“Nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around.”

"It's such a sad old feeling
the fields are soft and green
it's memories that I'm stealing
but you're innocent when you dream"

Well fret ye not, here I am again, not quite so suicidal as last time, not quite. I'm only temporary buoyant as my days off loom, well you know the routine.
I've never had quite as many compliments like ever, as since my recent terrible haircut. The fact that so many people like it only makes me hate it more and want to grow it long again. However I think I'll eschew the Robinson Crusoe look of long hair and full beard I've been sporting for the past 20 months or so. I may have been scaring small children and old ladies, but I've been to depressed and preoccupied to notice.
I watched the Season 6 opener of 'Lost' tonight and it was like welcoming back an old and sadly missed friend. It didn't half cheer me up, well at least for a moment.

I'm half way through season 2 of 'True Blood' and loving it. Michelle Forbes has been a revelation, She was scary in Battlestar Galactica, but is almost magnetic here, I do hope the resolution doesn't disappoint!
However I only wish I could bring myself to watch the new series of 'Caprica' but anyone who's read more than a couple of posts here will know my silly reasons I can't/won't.

My meagre central heating is struggling to combat the cold weather. I'm sleeping in pyjamas, dressing gown and under a 13 and 15 tog pair of quilts ( I guess that makes 28?). When I'm watching TV downstairs it's from beneath blankets, and surely it's only a matter of time before I'm having to break ice on the bath. Is this any way for a mature geezer of my ilk to live?

Be seeing you, I expect...

“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.” - Bill Watterson

“Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.” - Oscar Levant

"Listen. Does this sound familiar? You wake up every morning, go to
school every day, spend your nights on the corner just passing the time away.
Your life is so lonely like a child without a toy."

I loathe Sunday mornings more than any other part of the week, I don't fully understand why. I know for lots of people Sunday is a time of relaxing, reading the papers, enjoying time with loved ones, maybe having a nice lie in and a lovely big lunch. But the am of this day is when I feel at my lowest, treading the dullest water of the dullest day, waiting for the next non event to float by, just out of reach.
Obviously I'm at a very low point anyway, but as I sit here getting ready to start work in an hour or two, on that day of days, well it's like going over my mental state with a very big highlighter pen. Please indulge my ongoing crisis, to paraphrase Casablanca, the trouble of one little person don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world, but I'm the only one looking out for my little hill, and I'm often heard to say, 'It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

Without destroying the fun mood completely, I'm sincerely having an incredibly difficult emotional time, and I really find it hard to express how completely desolate and alone I feel (not all of the time, but it's getting worse). I try and joke about it , but the lack of anyone to talk to, is nibbling at the edges of my sanity I fear. I'm starting to worry about worry...

(to add to my fun , I'm finding work a bit problematic at the minute, I don't want to go into any details at the moment, but I'm bound to return to this topic sooner or later)

Well wasn't that a bundle of laughs!

“I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients”

“Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week” - Spanish Proverb

"Oh, what happened to you?
Whatever happened to me?
What became of the people we used to be?"

Be afraid, be very afraid - I'm feeling sorry for myself today. So you may want to look elsewhere for entertainment (actually that applies to ALL of my posts).
Now read on...

I don't normally mention dreams, other than to say I've had them of course. The contents are so personal and usually meaningless when you try and put them down in the form of words, rather than images and feelings, they sound trite and completely dull, dull!. However ignoring that, last night I had a dream that Barbara become the Star of a Sit-Com that was super popular world wide.Everybody loved her, the compassionate, beautiful, and sassy one liner queen of TV land, yet in the dream this made me very upset, not because of her success, but the fact that I let (or rather caused) her slip from my grasp, and here was a weekly 30 minute reminder of my wrongdoing. Needless to say when I woke up the emotional hangover from this subconscious escapade left me feeling rather down, even more than usual, if you can imagine such a thing. I still can't shake it off completely (and it's mid afternoon). Paging Dr Freud...

I'm becoming more and more detached from the normal goings on of regular folk. I had a days holiday this week, which means for the past four days I've done almost nothing constructive.
It was pay day yesterday, but even that normally smile inducing few minutes, left me feeling nothing. Surely the fact I can write about this stuff (over and over) means that I probably haven't yet arrived at the doors marked "serious mental health issues" (but really, who would have such a sign?) but I'm certainly on a nodding acquaintance with it, if one can be on a nodding acquaintance with a door that is!
I have no drive to do anything about it, no desire to get out and do things (just look at the progress I've made in booking a holiday), and even less to meet people. I continue to worry...

I had a haircut yesterday, and in a return to posts of yesteryear it was a bloomin' disaster. Why can't he just do as I ask? eh? um? an inch or two off the back and leave the sides long - long! comprende?
At the 'barbers' I frequent , not five minutes walk from where I sit, there are two people cutting hair. One man, one lady. As you will probably have guessed all the good haircuts I've had in the past years have not been from the man (hey! this was an episode of Seinfeld too!).

Needless to say when my crudely shorn locks have returned to a decent length, I'm going somewhere else, mark my words! Now grow damn you, grow!

“He who says what he likes, hears what he does not like”

(taken from the first random page I googled for the symptoms of depression in men,
honestly what a dope I am)

* Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood
* Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
* Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
* Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
* Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down"
* Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
* Trouble sleeping, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
* Appetite and/or weight change
* Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts
* Restlessness, irritability
* Persistent physical symptoms, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain, which do not respond to routine treatment