"You're travelling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind; a journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's the signpost up ahead - your next stop, the Twilight Zone!"
Bedtime, and technically it's now New Years Eve. I hate New Year; Christmas sadly leaves me cold, but New Year I actively dislike. I try make sure I'm working, so I don't have time to dwell. Dwelling, regret, call it what you will, but that's how New Year makes me feel. Reviews of the year abound at this time, here's mine - boring, boring and deadly dull. While for the moment that isn't a problem, in the future, nearer than I probably think, I'll probably look back on this time and regret all the things I never did, heck I already am. This year I have done diddly squat, I've been nowhere, and come back again. I went out twice, one was boring, the other a complete disaster. There hasn't been a night when I didn't sleep in my own bed, and apart from Billie I have had no social visitors. My life's not a disaster, just a wasted opportunity.
Why so extra maudlin? well apart from the time of year I watched the first six episodes of the Twilight Zone in a row tonight. Regret and reliving the past was a strong theme in at least two episodes, plus the whole show always gives me the (usually enjoyable) chills.
I'll feel better in the morning, I imagine (I just remembered I'm at work for six days in a row, so I may just feel worse!).
Happy New Year, whoever you are...
“Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.” - Bill Vaughn
"And if your love was not a game, I only have myself to blame, That's as may be, I can't explain, Just ask the girl that I knew somewhere."
Be warned, I'm feeling very very sorry for myself this morning - you were warned!
Anyhow, Christmas. I had a very nice Christmas Eve , very nice indeed. Billie stayed over , the first Christmas Eve I've spent with her since 2003! We had a good time. Sadly she had to be back 'home' at 10am on Christmas Day, to drive off (as a passenger of course) into the snow and ice and visit distant relatives.
Which takes me to my Mams where after a very pleasant lunch (at least in terms of food) I spent an hour or two staring into space before falling asleep. My Dads attitude to me seems to have changed subtly. Perhaps to avoid conflict he now simply doesn't talk to me at all, or goes upstairs of goes out until I'm gone, subtle eh?
After all that excitement I got home in plenty of time for Doctor Who (frankly, a very disappointing 'special' but I'm not exactly in the demographic). An extremely busy Boxing Day (I was at work by the way) and an even busier Sunday, all 13 hours of it! (working that is, Sunday still had 24 hours) I arrived home intending to eat drink and be merry, but I fell asleep in my chair, and was in bed by 11pm (- this is quite remarkable I never ever go to bed before midnight.)
Monday was a day off, I stayed in and watched TV all day. I finally finished off Madmen Season 3 (very entertaining, but a bit of a worthy chore alas) and especially enjoyed 'let the right one in', 'Rashomon', and 'In Bruges' (er... that is a lot of TV isn't it!).
I may venture out into the sales...
“It is not possible for one to teach others who cannot teach his own family.” - Confucius
"The lights are always changing The black and white horizon I leave the redstone building And walk across the rooftops"
I really wanted to start with a 'bah humbug', but that would be such a cliche wouldn't it (so I did it anyway it seems).
I'm just about to go to bed, it's early Christmas Eve. Is is possible for one to feel less 'Christmassy' ? Maybe, but you'd have to work very hard at it. Tonight for once I don't feel forlorn or lonely (well not as much as usual, anyway), but I have a knot of frustration in my stomach, in fact I almost feel angry. Frustrated at what, and angry at whom, I do not know, but I wish I could shake it off. I get annoyed at myself and the constant whingeing, but I'm just to lazy to do anything constructive. That's pretty much my story, I wait for things to happen to me, I never go after anything or anyone.
Facebook is not, I think, for me. It's confusing cacophonous and a time thief. While it's true that I have time in abundance, photos of people I don't know and what they are having for their tea, well they don't really appeal. If you catch me doing that - shoot me (looks around - er... is it too late to retract that statement?).
“Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.”
"My brain is like a sieve sometimes it's easier to forget"
It's very late and surprisingly cold. In as much as I only turned the heating off at midnight (the horror!). Already the temperature in here has dropped to blanket requiring levels. Oh well.
Speaking of horror, it's time I spoke a little about the disaster of the so-called night out. Starting in true 'Lost' fashion I will begin at the end - Suddenly I realise it's after 3am, and I'm sitting, as usual, at the computer. How did I get here? I think back and cannot recall any dancing. Then I realise I'm very hungry and that I can't locate a memory of eating anything. I give up the mental strain and somehow manage to type a quick blog entry and go to bed, in that order.
The next morning I wake up, but only technically. My limbs refuse to operate and my mind is far far from it's usual razor sharp state (sarcasm alert). To put it bluntly I fee like crap - is this what a hangover feels like?. When I do manage to get up and get ready for work, it's all done at the minimum human speed possible. On the way to work, I notice the tracks of high heeled shoes on my pathway in the snow, and that's when I really start worry.
At work I have the truth is revealed to me. I had nothing to eat on Friday, because I was looking froward to the big meal. Due to the fire alert I mentioned the other day, the food is delayed somewhat, allowing your foolish author to get VERY drunk, VERY quickly. I proceeded to make a complete fool of myself, albeit in an apparently comical way, then throw up all over my good friend Kirsty. She's such a nice person that she kindly bundled me into her car (despite glass like icy surfaces) and escorted me home. As I was struggling through the front door as she drove off, it was still only around 10pm, so the whole evening had lasted less than two hours. From nought to idiot in 120 minutes.
Friends I tell you this, although I am a complete atheist, I suspect the universe doesn't want me to have a social life (oh I admit I give it a helping hand now and again).
Until next time, this is your friend, Billy Hopkinson saying goodnight. Er... Goodnight.
“There is no man, however wise, who has not at some period of his youth said things, or lived in a way the consciousness of which is so unpleasant to him in later life that he would gladly, if he could, expunge it from his memory.” - Marcel Proust
“The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.”
Apparently it was my Christmas night out. I don't recall getting home (it's now 3.30am) but I do recall never getting as far as a main course! I must have been very drunk (although apparently I had the peace of mind to hang up my coat, go figure). I do recall there was a fire alarm before we even entered the venue, so we amusingly waited in the snow until all was calm...
sleep...
“Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.” - W.C. Fields
So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”
Me again, yes so soon. I was just feeling a bit lonely. I do feel better today. Part of me was sincerely hoping I'd be too ill to go out tomorrow night. Objectively I really should go, I'm only one step away from being a total shut in. It's only a matter of time before one of my neighbours is describing me as 'a quiet guy , who kept himself to himself'. (which reminds me , I should get a good headshot taken to appear behind the newsreader).
I finally signed up for facebook. I've invited no one to be a friend (see a pattern?) In all honesty I did invite Billie, but more out of politeness. I think I'll just have a nose about for a day or two and then delete the account.
In more mundane matters, I'm dreading my heating bill! (who isn't).
Didn't watch any movies tonight, but this week I finally completed my 'Brittas Empire' box set (phew!), and really enjoyed 'A very long engagement' (the movie you fool) plus more 'McMillan and Wife' 'Pretty in Pink' and 'The 39 Steps' (Hitchcock version) for the umpteenth time. I have around 30 of his movies, but keep revisiting the same few (my top two movies are by Hitchcock - any guesses).
Best of all was the 'season finale' of Dexter. never have I squirmed so much, and simultaneously dreaded/desired an hour of TV. (ie it was very good).
I've bought three copies of Rage Against The Machines 'killing in the name of' (for a total of £1.50), just for the fun of seeing such a incongruous song at number 1, I was just a wee lad when it was originally released. Back then Christmas number ones were hotly debated and you simply couldn't miss TOTP on Christmas days (oh no, I'm getting all mawkish again - goodnight)
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." - Tommy Cooper or is it Tim Vine?
Circumstances dictate that I only see Billie once this week, sadly, very sadly.
It's my one night out of the year on Friday , yes it's the ward Christmas night out. I couldn't be less interested. No chance of meeting anyone (although to be completely honest I don't want too) as it's just work colleagues, bland food and overpriced drinks (plus bland entertainment and to boot in the local football auditorium!!) It's bound to be a blast! (by which I mean a washout).
I really wish I had even the vaguest twinge of a Christmassy feeling, but alas I haven't (nor do I recall the last time I did, I suspect around 1997). The only way I can even recall the feeling is harking back to the early 70s when Christmas meant Woolworth's adverts on TV, and circling shows in the Radio and TV Times (only available separately and the only time I ever saw them) and then usually missing them.
Something has to change.
Compare and contrast...
“So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'” - Tommy Cooper
Firstly (?) let me state that I am a little drunk.
It's so embarrassing to arrive at work and find your zip was undone all the way. That less than furtive fumble to check it's position is so obvious in a crowded street or corridor, isn't it.
Now what's next? Due to my ongoing flaky Internet connection, I've watched a lot on the projector tonight. I've just watched 'The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button' , and consequently my mind has turned to aging and love and all that angsty stuff. More on that later, probably, if I remember. (Has Cate Blanchett ever looked more gorgeous than in that film?... er probably not).
I also watched the Buster Keaton film 'The General' (1926, blimey) , and quite simply it's a work of comic genius. I'd never seen it before, and for that I feel quite ashamed.
I also watched the penultimate episode of 'Dexter' Season 4. I've never experienced so much tension watching a TV show. It's totally unpredictable (in the usual drama sense, there aren't sudden unexpected alien invasions) , anyone can suddenly die or be killed, and there are more twists than a bowl of pasta spirals. I love it.
Gossip reaches me that a former friend of mine namely Claire, (MUCHLY mentioned in this very blogs early days, see early 2007) has joined some sort of religious cult in Ireland. You probably know my views on religion in general (you don't? well see me after) , but in less general, regardless of whatever I felt about her in days gone by, this seems like a waste of a (relatively) young life. While I am extrapolating wildly (I picture something along the lines of 'In the Name of The Rose') the age of 28 is for hedonism, or a near equivalent, not devotion and routine devoted to, well you decide. She was always on the edge of 'regular', it looks like she finally went over. C'est la vie.
Getting back to Benjamin Button and that paragraph above, in a most circuitous way, makes my mind wander to former paramours, and the first mention in a long time of Barbara. To be honest I still think about her, a lot , but please don't tell anyone. I know that boat has long since sailed, in fact it's returned several times and is just leaving on yet another leg, whilst I'm still looking for a parking space, but if you don't know me by now... I wanted to say a lot more about this but there really is little point, don't you agree?
... much later in the week. I'd forgotten about this post until today, what drivel eh? Billie stayed over last night (being a Friday) which always lifts my spirit somewhat. We don't really 'do' anything together, but just spending time in each others company is great (plus I didn't get up until 11.30 this morning, she around midday - crikey!
I've been watching a LOT of TV recently (boredom), but apart from 'QI', and 'The Thick of it' I never watch broadcast TV (and even then I watch those two online later via the iplayer), and as I often say, if ITVever comes on, then my set is programmed to self destruct. I'm just a snob I suppose (really?)
(a little bit later) It's 1am now, wine has been consumed (don't get uppity that last one was five days ago!) - As King George put it , nothing much happened today (but I do feel V melancholy...)
(this weeks viewing - a shame only season one ever made it to DVD)
"Seasons may change, we stay the same. We always stay the same."
You can just sense my flagging interest can't you ? As I've said before, many times, there is only so many times I can bemoan the monotony, or my disturbed sleep, or my regrets, without it becoming completely boring (I suspect that moment has already long since passed). Just look at the number of posts over there on the right, hundreds the first full year, half that the second, and this year will have even less, that's plenty.
I was without any Internet access for over 48 hours this week (and on my days off to boot), and it felt like a physical withdrawal. I didn't realise how much it meant to me. It's like having only one window in your house, and then having it bricked up. Obviously it's fixed now, how else can I pass on this wisdom to you?
I had a flooded bathroom this week, and then someone forced open my yard door whilst I was out yesterday. Thankfully they didn't get into my house, but as I reached for that back door, not knowing whether I would find it locked or open, well you can imagine the horror in my mind. By the way my flood is all but dried up now, thanks for asking.
“Do not anxiously hope for that which is not yet come; do not vainly regret what is already past” - Chinese Proverb
"You're travelling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind; a journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's the signpost up ahead - your next stop, the Twilight Zone!"
