“I think I'll have a large order of prognosis negative.” - Bette Davis

Sorry for the long gap between posts, I ain't been well, in any sense.
That crisis of despair that I assume was due to the medication, has , thankfully, passed.
I feel numb, but well, a bit better. Certainly much less anxious. I'm still having some side effects, but I don't want to go into the gory details...

Hello anonymous no 2, thanks for your kind words. "Original" anonymous, namely Andrea, I often pondered what had become of you, and I'm so glad to hear that you're happy. I hope that one day I can find that peace of mind, and maybe even contemplate some kind of relationship.

My appetite returned, but I constantly feel not just tired, but exhausted. I spent my days off just dozing, and mildly fretting. Still it's a vast improvement over how I was feeling only a week or so ago. I still haven't had any contact from mental health services about my CBT, this is similar to what happened the two previous times I needed help - apparent initial interest , then a total lack of follow up.

Work has changed completely. I arrived on shift last Saturday to find a complete set of strangers on shift. Whilst on my days off most of the staff on my ward had been moved to new, smaller accommodation. Luckily (literally, since apparently it was names in a hat) I was amongst their numbers. That was my last shift on a ward I'd worked on since 1994! Bye old pal...

The new ward is just two bays on another unit. The number of staff per shift is half that of the old place, and resources are well, limited, at best.
At least I'm better off than those those unfortunate souls that were 'left behind', there's a lot of bitterness and resentment been created there - nuff said.

Take me to the girl... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.” - Bette Davis

I watched "Brainstorm" last night. Did you know Natalie Wood was only five feet tall?

“When you know who his friend is, you know who he is” - African proverb

Hello there Andrea, what a lovely and genuine surprise to hear from you (especially as yourself), you sound, dare I say it, happy?
I'm sorry that you ever needed something like CBT at some point, but you sound healthy and strong in your comment.  

(and please don't be a stranger)

And my what an early riser you are!

I only got your message after a long day at work.
A job that each day brings new disappointments. I used to go to work and enjoy it, almost have a bit of fun. Not so much recently, and I'm not alone in this, morale is at an all time low, sickness an all time high -  a once great team is fragmented and broken.

I'm down to maybe a 9 today.
I had an hour long phone call from what I presume was a CPN, to do some telephone triage. I really hoped I would get offered some kind of face to face therapy, but I'm looking forward to the distance CBT they offered me.

I actually went for four whole days without eating anything. I know I was stupid, and I would think the same of one of my patients, but I felt so nauseous, and the meds removed any appetite, I simply didn't feel hungry, at all. I did manage a little soup today, but that  made me feel nauseous afterwards. At least the endless tummy rumbling died down somewhat, at least for a while.

And tired, so very tired. Any veterans of my blog may remember my years of insomnia, but recently that's only a distant memory. I've been sleeping, sleeping sleeping, and falling asleep at the drop of a hat (probably a nightcap at that).  I assume this is also a side effect?

I need to make some big changes in my life.

I don't feel suicidal, I want to see Billie grow up and flourish, but sometimes, a lot of the time in fact, the future just doesn't seem to exist for me. The relentless humdrummery of my current existence, the financial insecurity, the loneliness, the phone that never rings. What's the point? (you just mentioned it dummy! - your daughter)

Cheer up Billy, please...

Time for bed... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“In a fight between you and the world, pick the world” - Frank Zappa

(posted a couple of years ago I think, but worth a revisit)

“One who looks for a friend without faults will have none”” - Hasidic proverb

It sounds like you've gone through this, or something similar, yourself?
I'm not sure if you are my usual anonymous, but thanks for caring, at least a little bit (smiley face).

Crazy (80s style) from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

(11pm) Somehow, the workday passed. My back is still quite stiff/painful , and my job involves a LOT of bending and kneeling, but it's slowly improving.

When I first arrived at work I was suffering fromm hot flushes, cold sweats laboured breathiing and many other endearing traits. Is it any wonder I'm so possible? But the work itself made me put my worries on the back burner.

I literally haven't eaten anything today.

Anyway, if last night was an eleven tonight is a ten I suppose. That's a good thing , isn't it?

Pictures and jollity next time (I hope), I'm off to bed, a 13 hour shift tomorrow (plus there's a LOT of snow to get through now)...

(11am) A most awful night, I slept very little, and had some very telling bad dreams. I have to leave for work in a few minutes, I don't know how I'm going to cope.
It's as if all the suppressed anxieties, worries and neuroses of the last 9 years have manifested physically in my gut. This is probably the worst I've ever felt. 

(2am) What terrible days off. I used to enjoy them I think.
I saw Billie yesterday, but It was no fun( for her) what with my nausea and anxiety. I hope she understands, and I don't drive her away.

Apart from that though, I've done almost nothing. Not just my usual lethargy, but I feel crippled by the way I'm feeling, I want to do nothing, find no pleasure in anything, and I've hardly eaten for days.
I feel quite quite dreadful. My friend Google tells me that apparently you feel a lot worse before the meds start to work, why didn't my Doctor mention that I wonder? I can't remember this happening last time. I feel giddy again tonight too, not alcohol this time, but I suspect more pharmacological related nonsense. 
Here's hoping next time you find me a little happier...

“I started at the top and worked my way down.” - Orson Welles

I'm a little giddy, I know I shouldn't be drinking on anti-depressants, but I couldn't resist tonight. As it's been a while since I had alcohol - it's hit me a little harder than usual.

The side effects have started to kick in. Nausea, adding to the omnipresent knot in my gut, and for a bit of variety, loss of appetite. I hope I lose some weight !

Did I mention I grew a handlebar moustache back in Movember? Why would I? anyway I still have a full beard/ big moustache and could wax it up a treat if I felt like it, but I haven't, at least recently. So there.

Work is increasingly stressful, stripped of our normal role, staff moved, seemingly arbitrarily, stress stress stress. I used to got to work to relax (mentally), and socialise (honestly) , but well, I've never known morale so low, it's horrible.
Oh well.

I've been thinking about Andrea. Remember her? Well I do.  For that brief period, before (as now seems usual) I screwed up our friendship, we were good good pals.
I hope things worked out for her.
She was/is a lovely soul.
We had some most excellent chats. I could do with one of those right about now...

 

Only A Northern Song... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.” - Orson Welles

“The quickest way to end a war is to lose it.” - George Orwell

For what it's worth, the Doctor was a nice fellow, but of course could offer up no miracles. So I've started on an antidepressant (thankfully he didn't mind me declining the one I was on last time). Let's see how I feel when it kicks in, in a week or two. I'm also awaiting a call from a CPN which will hopefully lead to some cognitive therapy, or something.

I got a personal reply on twitter from Paul Buchanan, former lead of The Blue Nile. I cannot tell you how pleased I was (actually I can - very), what a nice chap, and a musical hero of mine for getting on for 30 years now!

Back to work in the morning.

Be seeing you...

Sorry seems... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“Do not put off till tomorrow what can be put off till day-after-tomorrow just as well” - Mark Twain

I've never felt quite so despondent as I did last weekend, I cried and cried, I worried and worried.

For some reason I feel a LOT better today.
I'm due to see my GP on Friday, once again I must kneel before the god of medication - all hail the anti-depressant.
I just hope there's an alternative that doesn't make me feel as physically ill as last time.

On Monday my old back problem came to a head (an injury sustained on Ward back in the late 90s, you didn't sue back then - It plays up once or twice a year).
I actually had to shamefully get a lift home from my Brother, as I don't think I could have walked home in any decent amount of time (I live about half a mile from work!).
I had to ring in sick yesterday, I simply couldn't have managed at work. I managed to shuffle around the house. As long I was sitting OR standing, I was okay, it's the transition that was the problem. Today I felt quite a bit better , at tea-time I managed somehow to get into my car and drive to my Mams, I was going stir crazy(ier).
I should be okay by the time work comes around again.
To be frank, I hate staying off sick, despite being genuinely debilitated, I can't help feeling guilty, especially when the ward is so busy. In all honesty, I almost certainly wouldn't have managed, especially as the ward is currently so physically demanding.

In other news, whilst my brother Frank was here, he investigated my leak/flood, and peering behind my washing machine ( I simply didn't have the power to move it, in my present state)  it appears to have been leaking for a very very  LONG time, it was actually quite rusted away at the back.
My kitchen is gradually drying out, but I'll have to wait until payday for a replacement. I'll have to take my washing to my Mams for a while, how embarrassing!

In even more other news, three, count 'em, three! people from work, rang me (separately of course) to ask how I was doing, maybe I'm not totally alone after all!

Still ill... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“The pain of the mind is worse than the pain of the body” - Publilius Syrus

Thank You Kindly...

Due South is a TV show I love very much.
However it reminds me of pleasant 90s Tuesday nights when I was happily married, and anything Canadian reminds me of the wonderful Barbara Hultberg.
Consequently Billy has mixed feelings when viewing.
However it remains a bloody great show. (and Callum Keith Rennie, famous Vancouverite Thespian, was born in Sunderland, go figure...)

“There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad.” - Salvador Dali

The oh so exciting continuation of my damp floor saga - I mopped it up and it stayed dry.
However - next day I noticed the floor at the other end of my kitchen (or area I designate as a kitchen, it barely fulfils the role) was damp. I lifted the lino, to find the concrete floor wet. After a day and a half I realised I should probably pull the whole lino up and the whole floor was soaked. I'd visions of concrete being dug up and builders and kerfuffle and money! but it occurred to me the epicentre was my washing machine, maybe it's leaking? I couldn't move it on my own, but I've a nice brother coming tomorrow to help me look.

Work is - well the worst experience of Nursing I've had in my 25 years experience. We are understaffed, and overlooked. I've never seen a staff look so dejected and empty eyed, something is rotten in the state of Denmark...

More importantly...

I've been feeling worse and worse these past few weeks. I'm constantly tense, the future doesn't look bleak as much as non existent, and I sincerely can't remember the last time I felt happy.
Tonight I had something of a crisis, and whilst texting Billie found myself in floods, literally, of tears. I haven't cried so much since well, you know. I feel a little better an hour or two later, but I MUST get to my Doctor later this week, this can't go on.
She's the only good thing in my life, and all that got me through my last "episode". A Father shouldn't have to apologise to his Daughter for being eternally sad, she should have someone to look up to and admire, not feel sorry for, and I want to be that man...

Booze... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“If you think you have it tough, read history books.” - Bill Maher

“The damp of the night drives deeper into my soul.” - Walt Whitman

I thought things were getting better for a minute, I felt a glimmer of optimism earlier today. Maybe because I was with Billie at the time (the only time I'll see her this week I imagine).

Once I get home however, I usually start to go a bit crackers.

I worry about everything, big, small and all stations in between. . Problems pile up and sometimes feel like they are crushing me.

For instance, a new concern for tonight - when I got home I discovered what appears to be a leaking pipe under the floor boards. I say appears only because I know the heating pipes pass that spot, and the carpet dampness may be something else, deep down I suspect it's absolutely nothing, of course, but that won't stop my conscious mind fretting.

As you probably know, I really quite detest this house where I "live".
Sometimes It feels like a prison, a dingy, cold, and foreboding prison. Every time a creak, groan, or crack is discovered I naturally assume it's an imminent disaster or the universe conspiring against me (For evidence see numerous blog entries going back bloody years). It never feels relaxing or welcoming. I envy other peoples "homes".
Moving here was one of the two gigantic mistakes I've made since I divorced.



(a couple of hours later) It's nearly 3am.I feel a little better. I'd really love to chat to someone, but since that's highly unlikely to happen, I'll prattle on a bit...


For some reason I only watch "TV" (by which I mean projector) after 9pm, and not at all if I'm an early start the next day.
My projector maybe the best thing I've ever bought.
An 110 inch picture in full HD, and it cost less than a 50 inch set, (about £540). Now while that may seem a lot (especially combined with a motorised screen and an upgraded sound system), It gives me endless big screen pleasure.
In quality it's at least as good as a 90s cinema, and maybe a little better than some of the smaller multiplex screens of today. I'm not really fan of digital projection, at least at some cinemas - the whites flicker terribly, there's uneven brightness and films are often terribly unfocused.

I've watched a mix bag of films this week (no imported TV shows this time of year, the only broadcast show I've watched over Christmas was "Doctor Who", actually that applies to the whole of last year!).
"Drive" led to "Bronson" (as I'd not realised they shared a director) the next night.
I'd never seen Bronson before, and I'm still not sure if I actually enjoyed it or not. Tom Hardy, was of course superb, but I'm confused as to the point the film was trying to make. (I did spot a satellite dish in the 1970s set portion, which amused me somewhat).
Tonight I watched "Sunshine" which (spoiler) despite it's "happy" ending, really quite depressed me. It wasn't quite the movie I remembered (and I didn't recall Chris Evans being in it at all), but it seemed so bleak, but quite quite lovely to look at.
Maybe that's due to my differing state of mind in the intervening years?  That seems logical, although at the moment logic isn't my strong point (but anxiety fuelled paranoia is, go figure!).

My viewing highlight of the week was a wonderful documentary on BBC4 about Clara Bow. I've never seen a single one of her movies, but something about pictures of her have always captivated me (as Jane Seymour did to Christopher Reeve in "Somewhere In Time". which features John Barry's best ever score. If you haven't seen that movie and have a beating heart, I can't recommend it enough)
I've quite a collection of her images on my hard drive, and they all have a luminosity, despite those frankly (to contemporary eyes at least) bizarre late 20s/early 30s eyebrows!
Her face has appeared here often, and will now almost certainly be below this post.

I'd always assumed she'd died young, and was surprised she'd simply given up making movies, and actually died the year I was born.

That's enough waffle for now, I'm feeling a little tired at last.
Be seeing you...

Alone Again (Naturally) from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

   

“In a fight between you and the world, pick the world” - Frank Zappa

"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... until you climb into his skin and walk around in it."

People say "happy new year" don't they?

Anyway, I followed my traditional New Year routine - go to bed early and try to avoid the whole thing. Since this time of year is preoccupied with reviewing and cogitating on the previous 12 months events, and thinking about the past is one of my primary occupations, well you think I'd be in seventh heaven! But being an old misery guts, I just tend to dwell on all the failures and missed opportunities, blah blah blah - I'm sick of my own wittering.

In summary Christmas was a washout, New Year I was asleep.

Somehow I got through today at work, I've only got a cold, but the endless washing, commoding and drug dispensing , combined with my family sized dose of ennui , made today an especial struggle.

I rang Billie tonight with the offer of shopping and lunch in Newcastle tomorrow, only to find she'd planned a day of lunch and shopping in Newcastle with her Mam, go figure. A girl needs her Mother, but surely there should be a little room for old Dad too, eh? The last time I saw her was Christmas Day.  gorramit!!!

I have to mention "To Kill A Mockingbird". Somehow I'd never seen this wonderful film, and since Billie was kind enough to buy me the blu-ray, I sat down to watch it the other day. I cannot recommend it enough. There's a fabulous 90 minute documentary about Gregory Peck on the disc, what a gentleman, what a lovely human being.

If you go away... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“What did I do in high school? I grew from 5 feet 4 inches to 6 feet 2 inches.” - Gregory Peck