“My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.” - Spike Milligan

I've been a bit poorly this week. Just a cold mind you, but enough to make me feel miserable. I've been on holiday too. I don't really enjoy holidays any more. Of course they are preferable to work, but I miss the company, and what's left of the banter. Since Billie went away, I live an almost solitary life.

I'm really not indulging in self pity, most of the time my company is fine.
I'm not a snob, I just don't relate easily with people anymore.

Physically and mentally I'm a bit of a mess. I simply must lose weight. It's become a real problem, not only regarding my health, but I simply can't get clothes to fit anymore. I had to miss my Christmas night out, as the only real option for party wear was to cut a hole in a duvet cover (to be honest I wasn't feeling well either).

I drove down to Liverpool to bring Billie home for Christmas, the trip was atrocious, abysmal weather, heavy traffic, and unnecessary anxiety from yours truly.
I used to enjoy motorway driving, but the last few trips have been hellish sweaty palm rides, it seems almost everything worries me these days.

In some good news, Billie seems to love both Liverpool and University. This is genuinely a source of great comfort to me, it really is.

Anyway, dear reader, I've made some dietary changes, and been taking a little gentle exercise (and I don't just mean the stairs at work). I'm even considering going back to my GP for antidepressants. Let's see if I can change things, just a little eh?

Speed Of Dark from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different.” - Kurt Vonnegut

“Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen”

What a miserable weeks holiday.
I've rarely been in bed before 3am, not wild revelry, just looming anxiety.
None of that insomnia I had back in the mid 2000s, once I'm in bed (ear buds in place of course)
I can get to sleep, but I've been staying up increasingly late (one day until 6am) fretting and a worrying.
I'm not going to mention any of my concerns, because they are all relatively petty, and normal (I imagine, I've no peers to review me).

Anyway, I'm quite looking forward  to getting back to work, even if its just to speak to another human being! (it's been a very lonely week off).

Lots of cash needed in the next few weeks, apart from the usual Christmas stuff. Strangely that's not one of my worries, I'm far from rich and I'll probably never finish my mortgage, but I can usually afford what I need (sadly I don't really need a Florida holiday next year, I simply want one!)

I'm still missing Billie of course, but not in quite the same way as last time I mentioned it. We still get to chat nearly every day, and hopefully I'm going to visit her before Christmas (actually she's counting on a lift back!).
One spurious achievement - I've recently watched every episode of "Still Game" spurred on by the recent BBC broadcast of the live show - whit a tonic!

Anyone Who Had A Heart... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” - Mark Twain (born this day 1835)

“It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.”

Well, in lieu of someone to talk too here I am again, finally!
What's happened since last time?

The biggest event surely must be Billies departure for University.

Oh how I miss her!
At first it was a tangible hole in my everyday life, as so much of my "leisure" time revolved around her. Now, a month or two later it feels different, more normalised, but still heartbreaking. It's during the mundane things we did together, like shopping or watching a film,ordinary stuff, that I miss her most.
I know, I know, this is all a normal part of growing up , but knowing that has never made it easier for any parent before me, I'd wager.

She seems to be doing okay, and most importantly having a good time. So far she doesn't seem to have fallen into any of the decadent student excesses I'd fretted about! When I was at University, I was already married, so I didn't have that lonely first day not knowing anyone. Thankfully she has all the social skills I don't have...

My job is now totally transformed even from the way it was six months ago. I won't, as always go into details, but if this was a TV show, you'd say it has a mostly new cast, a new location, new writers and a new show runner. Sadly the budget hasn't increased. I may be a higher grade now, but the lack of weekends means I'm essentially earning the same as last year. No pay rises for nurses in  the past few years either, so effectively I was better off five or six years ago (but who wasn't? you moaning sod!).

I've had a couple of new health problems, nothing too serious thankfully, but both have "annoying" physical symptoms, which, er, are annoying me, a lot.
I had to have a mammogram, which involved some retrospectively amusing contortions from me, but at the time I was simply embarrassed. As I said though, it was nothing serious (those last two words would make a good epitaph for me...)

Ballad Of A Sad Man... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“People who count their chickens before they are hatched, act very wisely, because chickens run about so absurdly that it is impossible to count them accurately” - Oscar Wilde

“Nothing exists except atoms and empty space; everything else is opinion” - Democritus

Bear with me, I'm feeling sorry for myself (my usual reason for visiting).

Today is the last day of a fortnight off (no we didn't go to Florida - more on that later I imagine).
Consequently I have that awful "last day of holiday" gut-churning feeling.
What makes this much more remarkable is that Billie leaves for University later this week - so that churning is much much worse than usual. (empty nest ahoy!)

I know logically that her move is inevitable and normal, but it doesn't stop me dreading her departure.
Sadly I've several long shifts this week so I'll see very little of her.
On the plus side, we've spent a lot of time together this past two weeks (which you might say only amplifies the impending separation misery seekers).

We didn't get to Florida, partly due to a lack of money, but mostly due to fatigue and selflessness on Billies Part.
She'd just had two holidays, one with friends to Ibiza, then almost immediately Spain with her family. Consequently a third trip might have been devalued somewhat, and with her impending departure it would've left a lot of organising to do in just a few days.
More importantly she said she didn't want me getting into debt for a holiday. Honestly I didn't mind.
My advice to her has always been to buy memories and not things, I simply wanted a bit of that memory making action for myself!

We did go to Glasgow earlier this week, whilst it is still part of the UK (was I right, man of the future?)
We had a good time. I was flummoxed by the incredibly busy road system there (10 lanes!) and the one way system stymied a couple of my intended visitations. Apart from food, neither of us bought anything! We had a couple of lovely meals and some good chat, so I was more than happy.
It appears I developed a new anxiety, namely overtaking on the motorway. But is designed for urban use, so hopefully it was the vehicle rather than the driver at fault (it wasn't).

Work has changed a lot whilst I've been off, new staff and ways of working await me.

Money, as I've mentioned remains tight. The job may have been a promotion, but the lack of weekends mean I'm actually slightly worse off, at least until I get a couple of increments under my belt.

I expect loneliness will be an increasing problem over the next few months, and as the nights draw in, I imagine my mood will follow.
Maybe I suffer from SAD or maybe I'm just an old misery guts



“I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.” - Janeane Garofalo

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.” - Bob Hope

It suddenly occurred to me that this blog was still here unloved and alone (sounds familiar). 

I finally realised / admitted to myself that I was only posting out of self pity, and not serving any real purpose, so hey that's what brings me back tonight!

Things at work have changed beyond recognition. However working in the health service means I can#t discuss any details, partially for confidential reasons, partly because I'm a big scaredy cat. However hardly a day goes by when some new change is introduced, my job today doesn't even resemble what I was doing a year ago. As Uncle Ben (not the rice guy) might have said, with great power comes great responsibility, but sadly not great wages.

I'm still lonely and like always I try not to think of the future too much, in case the anxieties it reveals begin to crush me. I enjoy the things I do, and do the things I enjoy, It would be nice (objectively) if sometimes they took place away from my house now and again.

Billie is currently in Ibiza, I'm not sure she's enjoying as much as she'd hoped she would, but she's only just arrived, and it's her first grown up holiday without one of her parents. I'm sure she'll acclimatise.

We'd planned on one more Florida trip in September, but hope is fading. My credit card was going to take the brunt, but a couple of other factors are threatening the possibility. Stay tuned, as will I, I want to see how this turns out!

If I want a random moan, I usually turn to twitter now. I've only a handful of followers, but like all of modern life it's instant gratification we desire, even if we're unlikely to get it. Blogging like this is akin to a message in a bottle, if you catch my drift (no pun intended).

More if it occurs to me I imagine.

Misery from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“The point of living and of being an optimist is to be foolish enough to believe the best is yet to come.” - Peter Ustinov

“Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before.” - Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

How do you make something out of nothing? That's a question not only pertinent to this blog, but life in general.
I haven't posted because nothings happened. I'm privy to events happening around me, but me? pretty much everything stays the same.

Billie is very stressed over her A-levels, and I feel for her, I really do. as for work, it seems every week there is some new variation on a theme awaiting us (that's all you are getting) and my darned uniforms, still haven't arrived , after six bloomin' months (well I have 5 pairs or maroon scrub pants, but the tunics are still on their tramp steamer in bound from the tropics, and the lowest bidder).

It's the time of year when all the TV shows I watch end, so I'm catching up with Fargo and Penny Dreadful, American TV is really where it's at isn't it? The last "broadcast" UK show I watched was the Doctor Who Christmas special. Hang on it's June, that means I haven't turned on my TV this year!

How can you mend a broken heart? from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“History is merely a list of surprises. It can only prepare us to be surprised yet again.”

“There's only one me, and I'm stuck with him.” - Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Right now I've got a bit of a knot in my stomach. I can't quite put my finger on one cause, there are the usual suspects, but it's more likely just an aggregation.
I've been on holiday this week (as it was Billies 18th birthday and I wanted to make sure I was around to fit into any gaps in her busy schedule). However as usual after the first few days I was simply bored. I only really have my own company to keep theses days, imagine how quick that particular novelty wears off.

At the moment , I'm toying with the idea of anti-depressants again. With the new job, and all that entails, plus my usual dourness, i think a little chemical help would be welcome, let's see eh?

As for Billie, she seems to have had a great week, out for five consecutive nights, with various factions, ending tonight with a meal out in Durham with me.
It was a nice Spanish restaurant, but so quiet that we were home less than two hours after leaving. But at least it wasn't uncomfortable, we always have something to talk about. How I'll cope when she leaves for University , I can't imagine.
But one step at a time eh?

She's a child to be proud of to be sure, but I worry that she'll find the world of self dependence a very severe culture shock. She's big enough and wily enough to cope of course, I'm really just being a silly old man.

[...and I've had quite a few unexpected expenses lately. When combined with a five week month, plus my lowest pay in 7 years (despite a "promotion" - minus weekends!) I'm broker than a poor man with two broken arms, and whose legs are feeling a bit iffy. ] - but very few of us are lucky enough to be without money worries - self pity over (for now!)...

Be seeing you!

Our Day will Come... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.”

“Don't try to solve serious matters in the middle of the night.” - Philip K Dick

Well look who's here!

Not me but a face from the distant past! (That sounds like an episode summary - Billy must confront a mysterious figure from his youth, a man known only as fiftywatt!!! {played by Anton Rodgers probably, or maybe Derek Guyler}).
Hello to the shadowy figure of fiftywatt, the first non spambot commenter I've had in a long time, also proprietor of a wonderfully witty blog (http://familiar-unknown.blogspot.co.uk). I can dredge up almost as much TV and movie ephemera as him, but he can phrase it so much better.

In other news life creeps on. Since Billie became independent of transport, and my shifts changed, I'm seeing her maybe once or twice a week, and savings on Dad Taxi petrol outgoings, I can pass on to her in the form of cash (tongue mostly in cheek).

Whilst apparently I'm in the top 10% of earners in the world, I must be doing something spectacularly wrong in this,or (heaven forbid) previous lives (a strange sentence from a devout atheist eh?). 

A leaving do next week, and despite it only being April my first night out of the year, where can I buy a mumu on short notice? A very scant list of attendees to boot, especially since it's for four! separate leavings, I didn't even warrant my own night apparently! Just a quarter of one.

My three Nurse Practitioner colleagues have all been on holiday this week , so I find myself in the unique situation of not only being lonely at home, but at work also, go figure.

Popular culture update - well not much recently, welcome back Game of Thrones (home to literally ALL British and Irish character actors) and Madmen of course, Hannibal and Cosmos remain excellent viewing, but movie wise all I've watched this week was a blu ray of "Blue Thunder". Perfect if like me you love a good formulaic 80s actioner, but some (most?) might find it extremely cheesy and trope heavy, but that's a combination I like, plus it's hard not to warm to Roy Scheider in anything!
(Since Billie asked me to fund her netflix subscription, I suddenly find myself with on demand access too, consequently I binged watched Series 3 & 4 of Blackadder last weekend, such wit and wordplay!)

I see your Nat Jackley Con-Apts and raise you my Edward Malin Mo-Pad ! 

"We'll never make it in time!" from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“Contrary to general belief, I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best, they are merely the people who got there first” - Peter Ustinov

“Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.” - Dorothy Parker

I'm back,
possibly for one night only.

Whatever need this blog served me seems less important to my older jaded self. Back when apparently one or two people read it, I thought I could use it as a means of getting my views out to real people and even dared to dream of interaction, crazy eh? Now I realise that there's no one there save spammers, and even if there was, they don't care.

The new job continues, I don't want to go into detail , as work policy forbids it, but after the first year or so of financial woes (no weekends means much less pay for me, about £200 per month) it should be great. The work itself is interesting, but as it's a new role finding our way is akin to crossing a swamp, best done daintily and very very carefully.

Billy bought a brand new car (a Vauxhall Adam in fact), and is driving around like an old hand. She's so confident, a fact that makes me simultaneously proud and frightened.

And me? Things continue as ever. I've vowed to lose some weight, and I think I might actually manage it this time. I don't want to be thin, just able to buy a nice shirt or jacket and have it fit.

I don't feel as miserable as once was, but sometimes the future frightens me, it's a lot shorter than it once was, and it looks very lonely. But I'm only one of millions to feel like that I imagine.

I bought a new PC (it metaphorically flies), the first since the wonderful summer of 2007, a couple of weeks after I first "met" Barbara. That date is quite a touchstone for me, but you probably knew that anyway, didn't you?

What popular culture has interested me?
"Hannibal" Season 2 is excellent, "True Detective" was sublime, and "The Winter Soldier" was rollicking good fun.

I've been doing a lot of studying (for work of course), and it's great to be learning new stuff. It seems you can teach an old dog new tricks, or at least new versions of them.

Be seeing you...

"Secrets are dangerous things Audrey" from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“You can't teach an old dogma new tricks.” - Dorothy Parker 

 

“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.” - Mitch Hedberg

I couldn't believe it when I saw it was a month since I last posted.
This used to be my go to place when I needed to say something, maybe I have even less to say than i once did.

Yesterday was my "last" day doing my old job. I barely got through it. A couple of Weeks ago a pain in my left knee developed into a minor disability. I had to have a few days off just to rest. Even now standing up (the act of standing, once I'm up it's just a pain) is agony. I think it'll get better with time, but all the kneeling my old job entailed is now a no no (and probably a contributing factor I imagine).

In good news, Billie passed her driving test last week, and bought a brand spanking new car. So be it.
I haven't seen much of her recently, just scheduling and happenstance I imagine, but she'll soon be gone, for the longest of times.

I must briefly mention "True Detective" , the latest TV event and rightly so. I cannot wait to see the final two episodes (but sadly like the rest of the world, I'll have to do just that).

I'm on holiday this week, and next week begin training full time, let's see what happens eh?

Hopefully I'll be back sooner, rather than later...

Who Knows Where The Time Goes? from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere to go. My own wisdom, and that of all about me, seemed insufficient for the day.” - Abraham Lincoln

 

 

 

“There is nothing wrong with change, if it is in the right direction” - Winston Churchill

I can't really talk about work, so I won't. Lets just say it's very stressful, in new and interesting ways.

I thought my leaking roof saga was over, but what's that dripping ? always discovered at 1am , when everything is , briefly silent, but worries seem larger and more foreboding.


(The roof man is here as I speak actually, having "a look").

(ps - he fixed it free of charge!)


Mentally I feel better than I have done for years. I'm completely off medication. However there's still the odd "rebound" or blip. Such is life.


I'm so very bored, that's my main problem.
Of course I could pick up a textbook , or even do overtime at work, but I know I probably won't. Likewise the appeal of some sort of relationship occasionally crosses my mind. But the realist in me knows that will probably never happen. If I could lose a few stone and magically revitalise my so called dwelling, maybe. But being me is just too embarrassing to share with anyone else.


I've hardly seen my beloved daughter recently. What with driving lessons, the ever approaching exam season, darn football, and just being a teenager, my main role is lift giver, with the occasional request for a tenner (by her not me of course). But I'd be lost without her.

Mom And Dad from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“I'm just preparing my impromptu remarks.” - Winston Churchill

Heaven... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

I love this song and the album it comes from. Fond memories too of the movie, the facts there within are a bit kit bashed, but great Tuesday afternoon fodder, with the winning combination of Niven, Howard and the good type of patriotism...




oh have another !

“Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.” - Jimi Hendrix

So suddenly the Matron calls a meeting, and all of a sudden this is my last week on the ward - from Monday I'm wearing navy, and a Nurse Practitioner (albeit in training). Blimey I'm scared, you know there's two things I can't cope with, change, and anything at all.

Six months of Monday to Friday, and effectively a pay cut!

I'm already quite broke!

New Years Eve - at work we were busy , all 3 of us worked our arses off. 3 of us, 3!

I dislike New Year so much it's the one night I go to bed early. 11pm asleep, so I sleep through the transition.

I haven't seen my daughter since Christmas Day!

The Look Of Love from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

"Here's to those who wish us well and those who don't can go to hell." - Patsy Cline