Circumstances dictate that I only see Billie once this week, sadly, very sadly.
It's my one night out of the year on Friday , yes it's the ward Christmas night out. I couldn't be less interested. No chance of meeting anyone (although to be completely honest I don't want too) as it's just work colleagues, bland food and overpriced drinks (plus bland entertainment and to boot in the local football auditorium!!) It's bound to be a blast! (by which I mean a washout).
I really wish I had even the vaguest twinge of a Christmassy feeling, but alas I haven't (nor do I recall the last time I did, I suspect around 1997). The only way I can even recall the feeling is harking back to the early 70s when Christmas meant Woolworth's adverts on TV, and circling shows in the Radio and TV Times (only available separately and the only time I ever saw them) and then usually missing them.
Something has to change.
Compare and contrast...
“So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'” - Tommy Cooper
Firstly (?) let me state that I am a little drunk.
It's so embarrassing to arrive at work and find your zip was undone all the way. That less than furtive fumble to check it's position is so obvious in a crowded street or corridor, isn't it.
Now what's next? Due to my ongoing flaky Internet connection, I've watched a lot on the projector tonight. I've just watched 'The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button' , and consequently my mind has turned to aging and love and all that angsty stuff. More on that later, probably, if I remember. (Has Cate Blanchett ever looked more gorgeous than in that film?... er probably not).
I also watched the Buster Keaton film 'The General' (1926, blimey) , and quite simply it's a work of comic genius. I'd never seen it before, and for that I feel quite ashamed.
I also watched the penultimate episode of 'Dexter' Season 4. I've never experienced so much tension watching a TV show. It's totally unpredictable (in the usual drama sense, there aren't sudden unexpected alien invasions) , anyone can suddenly die or be killed, and there are more twists than a bowl of pasta spirals. I love it.
Gossip reaches me that a former friend of mine namely Claire, (MUCHLY mentioned in this very blogs early days, see early 2007) has joined some sort of religious cult in Ireland. You probably know my views on religion in general (you don't? well see me after) , but in less general, regardless of whatever I felt about her in days gone by, this seems like a waste of a (relatively) young life. While I am extrapolating wildly (I picture something along the lines of 'In the Name of The Rose') the age of 28 is for hedonism, or a near equivalent, not devotion and routine devoted to, well you decide. She was always on the edge of 'regular', it looks like she finally went over. C'est la vie.
Getting back to Benjamin Button and that paragraph above, in a most circuitous way, makes my mind wander to former paramours, and the first mention in a long time of Barbara. To be honest I still think about her, a lot , but please don't tell anyone. I know that boat has long since sailed, in fact it's returned several times and is just leaving on yet another leg, whilst I'm still looking for a parking space, but if you don't know me by now... I wanted to say a lot more about this but there really is little point, don't you agree?
... much later in the week. I'd forgotten about this post until today, what drivel eh? Billie stayed over last night (being a Friday) which always lifts my spirit somewhat. We don't really 'do' anything together, but just spending time in each others company is great (plus I didn't get up until 11.30 this morning, she around midday - crikey!
I've been watching a LOT of TV recently (boredom), but apart from 'QI', and 'The Thick of it' I never watch broadcast TV (and even then I watch those two online later via the iplayer), and as I often say, if ITVever comes on, then my set is programmed to self destruct. I'm just a snob I suppose (really?)
(a little bit later) It's 1am now, wine has been consumed (don't get uppity that last one was five days ago!) - As King George put it , nothing much happened today (but I do feel V melancholy...)
(this weeks viewing - a shame only season one ever made it to DVD)
"Seasons may change, we stay the same. We always stay the same."
You can just sense my flagging interest can't you ? As I've said before, many times, there is only so many times I can bemoan the monotony, or my disturbed sleep, or my regrets, without it becoming completely boring (I suspect that moment has already long since passed). Just look at the number of posts over there on the right, hundreds the first full year, half that the second, and this year will have even less, that's plenty.
I was without any Internet access for over 48 hours this week (and on my days off to boot), and it felt like a physical withdrawal. I didn't realise how much it meant to me. It's like having only one window in your house, and then having it bricked up. Obviously it's fixed now, how else can I pass on this wisdom to you?
I had a flooded bathroom this week, and then someone forced open my yard door whilst I was out yesterday. Thankfully they didn't get into my house, but as I reached for that back door, not knowing whether I would find it locked or open, well you can imagine the horror in my mind. By the way my flood is all but dried up now, thanks for asking.
“Do not anxiously hope for that which is not yet come; do not vainly regret what is already past” - Chinese Proverb
"I'm going down town where there's music, I'm going where voices fill the air, Maybe there's someone waiting for me With a smile and a flower in her hair"
Here I am, at last, and once again courtesy of Messrs Red and wine. Is drink getting to be a problem? Well maybe, it's often the only thing that can make the long lonely evenings bearable. however there is always that moment when the next sip turns you from euphoric to maudlin (I guess that sip has been taken then , eh?). I shall update you if I slip into full blown alcoholism (be assured that I won't, although I imagine that's what all alcoholics say before they are taken).
Lonely, lonely, lonely.
I am missing Billie terribly. I only see her once, maybe twice a week. I am missing Billie terribly.
Meanwhile at work, the stress has upped a gear or too, the days are long, the days are hard, and the rewards are , well questionable. Life outside of work is so very very dull and quite frankly depressing all I do Is watch TV and listen to music (great in moderation, but like everything, dull in excess - I imagine) At least I am fed and warm, well as long as I can afford to run the heating anyway!
Speaking of which. I had a card through my door last week. Gas emergency! They had been digging the street up for a few days, and it looks like they cracked a pipe or two. The upshot was me shivering for 8 hours while two guys ripped off my hall wall and skirting , and dug a six foot deep hole outside my front door ("we'll be back in a week or two to fill it in" - meanwhile I have to run the Mario style gauntlet that is my tiny front path). Eventually I'll get around to replacing the panelling and redecorating too! By the way in a street of maybe 100 terraced houses, mine was the ONLY one affected - ho hum.
I watched the so called "The Prisoner" re-imagining last week. Let me start by saying I love the original show (I even bought it YET AGAIN on Blu-Ray - it looks fantastic!). I can't imagine why they bothered to call it The Prisoner. The connections to the original were tenuous and shoehorned in. These occasional clever little references only highlighted the shortcomings of the show, and made me yearn for the original. It was unfocused, meandering (okay that is the same thing!). The denouement was at the same time totally predictable and completely baffling - figure that one out. There wasn't even an internal logic. I could go on but I won't. If they had called it something else, made it shorter , it could have been a so so TV movie I suppose.
Be seeing you!
“An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.” - Dylan Thomas
"People are strange when you're a stranger, Faces look ugly when you're alone"
Nothing new to say, I simply didn't want to look back on another two week gap in what is effectively my mental health barometer (outlook cloudy) at some distant future date.
Nothing much happened today, it rained and I watched 'Moon' (which turned out to be a wonderful 70s style 'hard' sci-fi movie, loved the Derek Meddings style model work, and surprise - spoiler, Kevin Spacey turned out to be a good guy! oh it's easily a 9/10)
It's after 1am, wine has been consumed , which means I can tell you a little secret. Months ago, thanks to a special offer no less, I signed up for a dating website, but only a day or two later, in a pang of guilt/regret/realisation I'm a deluded nutjob, I deleted my profile. That is not the interesting part, this is - despite having no photo and no demographic details on the site, I still get e-mails from site visitors. I know Ladies like some mystery, but a blank profile? maybe a bit too mysterious eh? (or is it more likely they are scams / spambots?)
“When I got my first television set, I stopped caring so much about having close relationships.” - Andy Warhol
“Between the optimist and the pessimist, the difference is droll. The optimist sees the doughnut; the pessimist the hole!” - Oscar Wilde
I'm going to try and be more upbeat. I'm going to try, I promise. It'll be interesting to look back on this and see what transpired (although I'm sure we both suspect that much like a dead apple tree, or a man with scurvy, it will be fruitless).
I've bought a swanky new phone, it's yet to arrive, but the array of gadgets (it's android not apple by the way) have me toying with the idea of twitter and facebook. Might I stress that's only toying, at this stage. To be honest the inevitable lack of feedback is the most off putting aspect, that and stumbling over someone that I don't want to be stumbling any where in the vicinity of - huh? In all honesty isn't facebook just enforced politeness, if someone from my past wanted to get in touch, wouldn't they have already? This is all very circular and ultimately pointless though.
Today I drank a bottle of wine, watched two films in a row (the coincidentally titled District 9 and District 13 Ultimatum) , and a slew of TV shows. then I contemplated loneliness (hang on a minute! upbeat remember!). I've been re-watching 'Cosmos' on DVD for the first time since I was a teenager. It's such a humbling show that paradoxically makes me feel totally insignificant and optimistic at the same time. Also Carl Sagan was one of the most charming and enigmatic people ever on TV, I imagine in real life he was delightful to be around. I believe it would have been his 75th birthday last week.
“When one's expectations are reduced to zero, one really appreciates everything one does have” -Stephen Hawking
"Lonely, I've been lonely, And I've asked my speechless shoes just were you are"
Er... hello, it's been a while eh?
I just haven't felt like posting anything. Nothing ever happens to me, so maybe unconsciously I was saving up all those hilarious incidents and musings for a more interesting posting. Sadly this theory is of course totally, predictably and hopelessly wrong (as well as being blatant lies) . Nothing has happened.
Work was horrible last weekend (that's two weekends ago now !) , and continued to be so all week. It's been very stressful. One night, last Tuesday I think, I sat down in the changing room after work, and found tears running down my face - what on earth? You think maybe it's my subconscious trying to tell me something? Why does the subconscious have to be, er, so subconsciousey (sic) ? eh?
Days off were so dull that they wouldn't even reflect light.
Billie continues to get more and more independent. In fact I only saw her once last week, due to various pressing teenage social engagements. If I'd known a couple of years ago how little she would be needing me at this time in her life, well I suspect things would probably very different for me. (do I have to spell it out?)
As the weather gets colder and the days shorter, I find myself putting on the winter quilt, physically and mentally. I may just have some trendy condition like 'Seasonal Affective Disorder' , more likely I'm just a sad old git.
The over riding emotion I'm feeling recently (and there a lots to choose from!) is loneliness. Days can go by without me speaking to another adult. My family are more isolationist than pre 19th century Japan. I've lived here for over four years now and never had (to quote Seinfeld) a 'drop in' (despite having two living parents and 3 siblings nearby). In fact I can count on the fingers of one hand (even If I'd somehow lost two fingers from said appendage) the amount of visits I've had in that time - their has to be something wrong with me, don't you think? (That's plenty - I'm annoying myself with these new depths of whininess, although in what maybe a subconscious,{what again?}, coincidence, I rewatched 'The Sixth Sense' tonight and totally identified with Bruce Willis' character)
In complete turnabout of mood - I did watch the rest of season one of 'True Blood' last week and enjoyed it immensely. I just love snappy dialogue and characters you can emotionally invest in.
I'll try and post again in less than two weeks, after all I don't want to deprive future generations of my sage words do I?
(PS - next morning, I've just, on a whim, shaved off the beard I've had since June. The shock of being greeted by a big pink goggly eyed potato in the mirror was, well, shocking! I'm off to start growing a beard, or lose four stone, preferably both)
“Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.” - Jean-Paul Satre
"Helllooooo Nurse!!"
