“The insane, on occasion, are not without their charms” - Kurt Vonnegut

"I thought love was only true in fairy tales,
Meant for someone else but not for me."

More blah blah.
I feel really strange* today. The last couple of weeks have , to repeat a cliche, been a bit of an emotional roller coaster for me. Not a lot happens to me, and I so tend to overreact sometimes (but only sometimes). Consequently minor mishaps such as my leaky roof (oops - mentioned it again - but only as context) get me down a lot more than they should.
By the same logic, really upsetting things tend to knock me for six. Maybe that's why I feel so disconnected at the moment. I really feel like I'm walking between the raindrops, although that may be completely the wrong expression. I seem to be rubbing Billie up the wrong way recently, but I'm sure that is just a twelve year old thing. However I feel like I'm getting more and more isolated, and caring less and less. Okay I'm beating around the proverbial here and skirting around the elephant. I'm losing a point that probably wasn't even there in the first place.

and in less abstract news...
I'm keeping up with my exercises. The pain still wakes me up several times each night. I used to sleep exclusively on my left side, as that's where my radio is (tinnitus remember?) but as it's my left shoulder, I alternate (exciting stuff eh?).
On Friday gone I had to go to the gym (me! in a gym!) I was the only "patient" there, and despite their obvious disinterest, the abundance of twenty something , fit physiotherapists, made the gelatinous middle aged blob you see before you a little uncomfortable.

*lazy, not to incorporate this above I know. I realised I never elaborated on 'strange'. I mean irritable , distracted, unfocused, regretful, apologetic, but paradoxically unapologetic, misanthropic, detached, sad and ultimately pointless.
You may point out, correctly, that this is how I apparently feel most of the time, but somehow it feels a little different today. You may also correctly point out that these can also describe depression.

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” - Albert Einstein

"Lack of money is the root of all evil" - George Bernard Shaw

And I thought yesterday was busy? A horrible horrible shift today. Winter is properly here when the bed crisis arrives...

Earlier Mr Roof had arrived (nearly an hour late). After examining the roof again, and listening to my description of the symptoms, he came up with a figure of another £600, but the look of horror on my face, and my genuine claims of poverty somehow got the price down to £300 (how does that work?) Luckily it's pay day on Thursday and my Dad is going to help me a bit. Typically when I got home still no sign of the guarantee from the previous job, and a quick call elicits that he will return tomorrow to finish, sound familiar?

My physiotherapy has now settled into a nice twice weekly routine. The shortwave pulse contraption is really helping with the pain, and today I've been given daily exercises. Strangely they involve a walking stick. Which reminds me of the two occasions when I needed to use a stick, when my back was bad (which gave me a 'House' complex of course). That was an unnecessary tangent (but aren't they all?).

I promise that I will not mention my damn roof again, unless more cash is involved maybe.
Last year Winter passed by quickly and pleasantly (and if you have to ask why you haven't been paying attention to previous posts!). This one look like it's going to be a bit of a slog

"A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of." - Jane Austen

"Some cause happiness wherever they go ; others, whenever they go" - Oscar Wilde

"I've got six things on my mind
you're no longer one of them"

- that's a lie.


Well apologies for yesterdays apocalyptic and frankly rather pathetic meanderings. My world didn't end, despite me sometimes willing it to.

Today at work was the busiest and most frustrating day I can remember for quite a while. It also seemed to last forever. Details are unimportant, it just was.
(oh and by the way my 'missing' items did not turn up, if it were a patients belongings stolen, I suspect my management might actually have been bothered).
Cruelly it has rained all day. I spent a lot of time at work wishing for blue sky (obviously this is not a metaphor but more leaky roof related crap - sorry).

I'm off now. Self pity doesn't wallow itself you know!

“I love talking about nothing. It is the only thing I know anything about.” - Oscar Wilde

"If you drink much from a bottle marked 'poison' it is almost certain to disagree with you, sooner or later"- Lewis Carroll

Let me start with a confession. Up until a few hours ago I'd intended to abandon this blog - no don't laugh, I meant it. I'd started the week simply planning to never post again, for well, a very long time, and ended up intending to delete it , at least for a couple of hours( the intentions rather than the deletion)...

This week has been awful for me. (this rambling post can't convey how wretched I truly feel)
Okay, by objective standards, I've had a bit of misfortune, this is a world of greed and famine, war and the apparently universal desire for peace (usually voiced strongest by the participants), neediness, and yet vulgar displays of wealth and excess (think Dubai for a minute). But I'm not a saint, I'm selfish, greedy and self centred, but perhaps no more than any 'average' person. When something bad happens to me it seems like the end of the world... but I'm rambling again.

I sincerely thought I'd start a new blog. I wanted to forget the whole thing and start afresh. This blog was initially, meant as a bit of fun,, but it became quite confessional. Although reading again some entries often makes me very sad, but a good memory will always be a good memory I suppose. What would a new blog be about after all? I have no passions other than misanthropy it seems, so a new blog would probably have gravitated back to similar subject matter, and format I imagine. Plus a new start is not always a good thing, there are some things I never want to forget.

I'm jumping all over the place here, not literally of course, only in subject matter. As you probably guessed from my last post I started the week in a bad place, and then got lost in it. Only minor irritations. The continuing absence of Mr Roofer, and his evasiveness over my bill / guarantee for repair number 2. The pain in my shoulder which keeps me awake at night (by the way the shortwave pulse therapy has helped, a little, but it has helped). My feud with my Dad (or rather his feud with me) seems to have entered a new phase of intensity.
Getting up to a empty sub zero house at 6am on a Sunday morning, walking through the snow to work, barely able to feel your fingers (where are my gloves? every year I lose them, buy a new pair then find the old ones, then the cycle repeats).
Then I had something valuable stolen from work today, just by an opportunist I'm sure but still very annoying. Then returning home to a freezing place, only to find that there is water running down my walls again (inside I mean), unfortunately the first leak in the roof (the one I do have a bill for) seems to have failed, so if I look up into the corner of the room here, I can see a little bit of nature trying to reclaim this 'hole' for itself.
Reading over the last few paragraphs reminds me of how insignificant all of these little troubles are (and I left out most of more trivial ones) but it doesn't stop me feeling like, well how do I feel? Empty, directionless, flat, pointless, a failure, old, flabby,lonely (but that one I have no excuse for), sad, irritated, pick a few more for yourself, they probably fit.
Well I started this thinking I would feel better at the end, but I don't. If anything I feel a little foolish that I wanted to commit such thoughts to 'paper' but there you go, only the best of us can completely convey our inner workings and motivations to others, and this post has proved that I'm not a member of that group.

(I usually go back and edit these things, but that was a non stop rant , typed almost as fast as it poured out so there it stays, at least the spelling is good...)

“Society exists only as a mental concept; in the real world there are only individuals.” - Oscar Wilde

"See I've already waited too long and all my hope is gone"

It had to happen, and of course it's entirely my own fault. Seeing it in "black and white" though, well even I was surprised at the volume of tears, coughing and spluttering it provoked.

Now I've calmed down enough to type.

Barbara has moved on from me. Oh I know it really happened months ago, but (30 minutes of thinking later) I never stopped loving her.
Nearly everyday since we last spoke I've sat looking at her name on my phone, but never dared to ring.
Maybe this is the metaphorical slap in the face I needed to move on.
I really hope you are happy Barbara (absolutely NO bitterness or sarcasm intended), heaven knows you deserve it. You're the best friend I've ever had.

“A man of gladness seldom falls into madness”

"It only tires me
But when you fire me
I want for nothing in this world"

Welcome to that embarrassing post I promised earlier . I have have consumed the wine, true, but sadly (depending on your point of view) I don't feel like I have anything to say tonight that is especially shameful (that's the wrong word really, but I didn't want to use embarrass again so soon - oops!).

I've been listening to a lot of Billy Mackenzie over the past few days. I always liked the fact he was a pop star called Billy (obviously) and that he could put real emotion into his performances (try 'Breakfast', 'Nocturne VII' and 'In Windows All' for starters) . However it was always obvious that he had a lot of internal issues and demons to wrangle. The fact that I'm older than he ever got to be, makes me ponder my own self worth (and I've never done that before have I ?). Luckily I don't really like whippets, and my Dads' shed holds no interest to me...

Next time I promise I will bemoan my state more thoroughly and those few topics that occupy most of my thoughts (okay I'm rambling now, time for this non-even to end). Normal service will resume shortly.

“Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness” - Seneca

“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.” - Cary Grant

"I read it in the sand
You'll come for me
And take me by the hand
Far from all I know
You'll take me there
And I will understand"

Here I sit with a packet of Tunnocks Snowballs and a cup of tea, listening to Billy Mackenzie, and ruminating. Oh I'm ruminating like a professional ruminator (but not in the sense of cattle), It's something I excel at. In a moment I intend to open a bottle of wine.
All three of my siblings were at my Mams house earlier today (plus me of course, so that makes four). This is a pretty rare occurrence. I still feel like an outsider to my own family but I try and not let such illogical thoughts bother me these days. (see an old dog can learn new tricks)
I don't like weekends off, I know I've said it a thousand times before, but Joe Public and his entire family are off at weekends (plus I'm missing those lovely weekend enhancements that take my pay up to a livable level - nice phrase!), I much prefer midweek days off - enough!

Let the wine flow! and probably an embarrassing post later I imagine!

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” - George Burns