Let me start with a confession. Up until a few hours ago I'd intended to abandon this blog - no don't laugh, I meant it. I'd started the week simply planning to never post again, for well, a very long time, and ended up intending to delete it , at least for a couple of hours( the intentions rather than the deletion)...This week has been awful for me. (this rambling post can't convey how wretched I truly feel)
Okay, by objective standards, I've had a bit of misfortune, this is a world of greed and famine, war and the apparently universal desire for peace (usually voiced strongest by the participants), neediness, and yet vulgar displays of wealth and excess (think Dubai for a minute). But I'm not a saint, I'm selfish, greedy and self centred, but perhaps no more than any 'average' person. When something bad happens to me it seems like the end of the world... but I'm rambling again.
I sincerely thought I'd start a new blog. I wanted to forget the whole thing and start afresh. This blog was initially, meant as a bit of fun,, but it became quite confessional. Although reading again some entries often makes me very sad, but a good memory will always be a good memory I suppose. What would a new blog be about after all? I have no passions other than misanthropy it seems, so a new blog would probably have gravitated back to similar subject matter, and format I imagine. Plus a new start is not always a good thing, there are some things I never want to forget.
I'm jumping all over the place here, not literally of course, only in subject matter. As you probably guessed from my last post I started the week in a bad place, and then got lost in it. Only minor irritations. The continuing absence of Mr Roofer, and his evasiveness over my bill / guarantee for repair number 2. The pain in my shoulder which keeps me awake at night (by the way the shortwave pulse therapy has helped, a little, but it has helped). My feud with my Dad (or rather his feud with me) seems to have entered a new phase of intensity.
Getting up to a empty sub zero house at 6am on a Sunday morning, walking through the snow to work, barely able to feel your fingers (where are my gloves? every year I lose them, buy a new pair then find the old ones, then the cycle repeats).
Then I had something valuable stolen from work today, just by an opportunist I'm sure but still very annoying. Then returning home to a freezing place, only to find that there is water running down my walls again (inside I mean), unfortunately the first leak in the roof (the one I do have a bill for) seems to have failed, so if I look up into the corner of the room here, I can see a little bit of nature trying to reclaim this 'hole' for itself.
Reading over the last few paragraphs reminds me of how insignificant all of these little troubles are (and I left out most of more trivial ones) but it doesn't stop me feeling like, well how do I feel? Empty, directionless, flat, pointless, a failure, old, flabby,lonely (but that one I have no excuse for), sad, irritated, pick a few more for yourself, they probably fit.
Well I started this thinking I would feel better at the end, but I don't. If anything I feel a little foolish that I wanted to commit such thoughts to 'paper' but there you go, only the best of us can completely convey our inner workings and motivations to others, and this post has proved that I'm not a member of that group.
(I usually go back and edit these things, but that was a non stop rant , typed almost as fast as it poured out so there it stays, at least the spelling is good...)
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