“It's beauty that captures your attention; personality which captures your heart.”

One thing before I go to bed. I just popped over to Barbara's last.fm page, as I often do. It broke my heart (again) to see one of those special pictures appearing there. It's a beautiful picture. I won't go on, I think you all know how I feel.

“The best part of beauty is that which no picture can express.” - Francis Bacon Sr.

“I love talking about nothing. It is the only thing I know anything about.”

"It's such a sad old feeling,
the fields are soft and green,
it's memories that I'm stealing,
but you're innocent when you dream"

Can you sense a slight lack of interest? That about sums up the way I feel, I suppose, disinterest, indifference. How long this will last? I don't really care (that wasn't a joke) , it's a punishment of sorts, and it's up to my own psyche to decide the length of the sentence (that was such a bloody flowery phrase, I'm almost tempted to delete it). If I seem a little self obsessed, well hey! it's MY blog!
My latest metaphor for daily living is a record jumping it's groove, doomed to repeat the same refrain over and over, until some 'kind soul' moves the stylus on, and my 'kind soul' has long since left the building.

In more down to Earth, and actually interesting, News, Billie has had a very bad throat infection this week, so has consequently stayed with me for four nights this week in total.
This is something of a record, but it's a sweet and sour experience, as she is very poorly after all. And once again it is highlighting my terrible parenting as I'm unable to go out and buy her stuff (I can't leave a sick 12 year old alone!) and my supply of things she likes, is all but depleted - send help soon!

There are other minor niggles, worries, and neurotic wonderings, but they can wait for another day...and there will be one , I assure you...

“One great use of words is to hide our thoughts”- Voltaire

“It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.” - Bill Hicks

Oh dear.
Firstly a terrible terrible day at work. I really am trying to help people, but some people just won't be helped, sadly that includes so called colleagues. Sadly one of my more beloved colleagues has just left to live in Canada (albeit Alberta) Good bye Christine!

After 14 or so hours at work I'm walking home, I check my phone, and I have a text ! maybe the first in weeks! It was from my Brother, but sadly not enquiring after my health or well being, but rather a loan I offered to make him after payday. I don't mind after all it was my idea, but he could have at least dressed it up a little - ho hum.

You know how it is after a long long shift, you get in the house is empty, cold and dark. All I want is something hot to eat and to go to bed.

I remain very sad...

“I'm tired of this back-slapping "Isn't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.”

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” - Jonathan Swift

"Longing to tell you,
But afraid and shy,
I let my golden chances,
Pass me by"

Another set of days off gone. Another set of days off wasted. So little happens to me, and I don't get a chance to engage in grown up conversation (anymore) that consequently this blog ends up drier than a dehydrated, desiccated, dry thing in a drought.

I finally got around to watching the end of "Carousel" tonight. I started it weeks ago , plucked randomly from the hundreds and hundreds of discs I still have unwatched. No need for a review, but the theme of unresolved issues, bad decisions, not to mention absentee parenting, resonated, plus the 'hero' is called Billy, I ask you!

I'm very unhappy.

(I've just realised that 'Lost' starts again tonight , and my usual viewing method is kaput, I hope only temporarily. The frustration!
I used to love dissecting episodes with Barbara. - big sigh!)

"It's been a long, a long time coming"

I watched The Obama Inauguration, and for the first time in a while felt a surge of hope and optimism.
Time will tell , but I have (or rather want to have) a good feeling about this fella...

The speech was wonderfully structured, intelligent and business like, but the tone implied he means to get to work , and soon!
It may have lacked the single quotable soundbite, but the section about the racism of sixty years ago brought tears to my eyes (but for totally different reasons from usual!).

“He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still” - Lao Tzu

"Gonnae no dae that?"

"And the moon and stars were the gifts you gave ,
To the dark and the empty skies"

That last post was written in a dark place (both literally and figuratively).
I feel a little better today, but I have had a glass of wine (!) , last time I was completely sober. My mood is something akin to a bouncing ball. Each bounce is a little smaller than the last, until there is no bounce left.
It has been so cold, wet and windy of late. But it's bloody Winter I here you say! and of course you are right. The start of the year seems like looking up a long incline, with December at the top. Like Sisyphus, I move my burden to the top , only for it to fall back to the start (i.e. next January). I am in a low mood ain't I? Sadly I can't think of a single thing coming up to break this monotony, no holidays, no nights out , nowt.

In a slightly more upbeat note - I watched all 12 episodes of "Dear Green Place" last week. An excellent BBC Scotland park based sitcom, from the folk that brought you "still game". It is funny and you end up caring for the characters.
A thought occurs to me , I must return to Glasgow for a wee trip later in the year. (and by 'wee' I mean small of course)

That's plenty.

“At the age of 20, we don't care what the world thinks of us; at 30, we worry about what it is thinking of us; at 40, we discover that it wasn't thinking of us at all.”

“Words are dwarfs, deeds are giants.” - Dutch Proverb

Oh dear...
I don't want to sound pathetic, but I will anyway, but I feel terrible today, physically and especially emotionally.
I say today, but I really can't remember the last time, I woke up, threw back the bed clothes and went into the day full of joy (er, can anyone?). You see what I mean anyway.

I could go into really excruciating detail, but I already know what's going on in my head. A year ago I was madly in love, happy, and my days seemed filled with usefulness and hope. Today it's somewhat different. I seem like a mild irritation to my daughter, a family who simply tolerate me, and I wander in an out of work a couple of times a week and go through the motions (sometimes quite literally). I spend my time at work , looking forward to time off, and time of wondering what I was looking forward to. Most of my free time, is spent at home in a grey half remembered haze, where each day is pretty much identical.
It could have been so very different.
Let's not forget though that I really am the architect of my own destruction. I know what the emptiness in my life is, it hurts everyday, and is always in my thoughts.
I can't think of a way to end this post now...

“The most pathetic person in the world is someone who has sight, but has no vision.” - Helen Keller

"To believe in one's dreams is to spend all of one's life asleep."

"But in your dreams whatever they be,
Dream a little dream of me."

What a strange and lucid dream I had last night (cruelly after yesterdays insomnia theme,I didn't get to sleep until well after 3am).
It actually made a sort of linear sense too. Anyhow, after I woke up I just couldn't shake the emotional baggage of the dream, which I suppose was predominantly frustration and regret. Since that's how I already feel most days, I was a ramped up Mr. Grumpy head. So here I still sit mid afternoon, still in my dressing gown, jotting down non sequiturs that will never be read again. I do have to venture out later otherwise this is surely how I would stay.
(Oh by the way that dream was not salacious in any way, but it did take place in a wonderful far distant land)

(see what I did there? dream? see? - suit yourself)

“Though dreams can be deceiving, like faces are to hearts, they serve for sweet relieving, when fantasy and reality lie too far apart.”

“Nothing cures insomnia like the realisation that it's time to get up”

"My belly released the stars,
And tears between the scars"

I have a scar on my er, 'bum' , when I was 17 sliding down a riverbank near Keswick, an unseen (by me at least) sharp rock took a chunk out of me. I had blood sodden underpants that day ( a phrase I don't think I've ever used before, and hopefully will have no further use of.).
I have a scar on my chest from hot cheese falling off a pizza and burning me (careless and greedy see). I have a scar on my right knee from kneeling on a craft knife when decorating, another on my right hand from a grilling incident, and yet another on my left wrist from being hit by a linen trolley. Sadly the origins of this big one here (look) on my left palm are lost in the mists of time, although I'm sure it was quite mundane.

More importantly Billie is okay.

“If you're starting to look wrinkled, don't worry. It covers the scars.”

"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. "

"I get the urge for going,
But I never seem to go"

Well it's been a while.
Sadly hardly enough has happened to me in the past few weeks for even a single post, but I won't let that stop me.
Christmas was the non event I expected. It was busy at work. I'm still waiting for a "first footer".
That's about it.

I don't make New year resolutions, but If I was to make one, it would be to just try

I got up at four o'clock this morning. It was quite stormy last night and I couldn't sleep due to the noise, and the pain in my arms. So I just got up. Strange having so much time to kill before work.

More worryingly, a phone call a few minutes ago reveals Billie is not very well, I have to take her to the Doctors tomorrow (assuming I can get an appointment!). I'm absolutely sure it's nothing serious, but nevertheless I'm still very worried.

Can you stand the excitement of another post? Then come back soon!

Current mood - antsy pessimism

(if you don't recognise that title quote , you should be ashamed of yourself)

"... You're still here? It's over! "