“The crisis of today is the joke of tomorrow.” - H.G. Wells

"Do my brooding and my scheming, lie awake and pray,
Do my crying and my sighing, laugh at yesterday"

Blogs! Bah Humbug! 99.9% are a waste of time, and I include this one in that figure. I don't want to read the paranoid ramblings of some vacuous teenager, and I'm sure that the equally dull outpourings of an equally hopeless Brit are as equally meaningless to them. Never the less I continue, and they do too. We all want the paradox of being an individual yet being accepted, included. Obviously paradoxes, are by their very nature, unlikely, nay impossible.

Drink? Drunk? No, just miserable, and more bitter than a crate of lemons.

Sadly life doesn't have a reverse gear. So forward I must go, forward to the future! After all that's where we will all be spending the rest of out lives (although I'm far to fat for a one piece silver jumpsuit - speaking of which how come alien civilisations always where the same outfit? on a planetary scale - apologies to whatever stand up , I'm plagiarising ....)

On a more concrete scale - I'm in the money! well in a small way, at least. The global downturn means my mortgage has gone down a lot, so my savings are growing, a bit. Now I really really want a Fiat 500, my Panda is getting on a bit. Do I risk buying a new car, knowing that a) I don't need one, and b) that should the interest rate go up I will be stuffed with a capital Stuff! I think I already know the answer, I'm too much of a coward to take the risk...

“In England we have come to rely upon a comfortable time-lag of fifty years or a century intervening between the perception that something ought to be done and a serious attempt to do it.” - H.G. Wells

“I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.” - Charles M. Schulz

"When your world is full of strange arrangements,
And gravity wont pull you through,
You know youre missing out on something,
Well that something depends on you."


Was it really Sunday when I last posted? Really? I'm striving for a metaphor here, but nothing is coming to mind. But really every day is pretty much the same now. They come in two flavours, work day and day off. Each has it's set pattern. That's pretty much me now, 'a set pattern', set in something akin to stone I suspect, and we know how long it takes even the elements to change the shape of stone, longer than i have left I suspect. Of course the astute amongst you will remember the quantum leap of change I had a chance at. Yes not that long ago, I had it in mind to relocate myself halfway round the world, and have a stab at proper grown up happiness. And it's nights like this, early morning, alone, starting to get cold, still slightly tipsy, when all that regret, and self pity comes up, pow, and socks me right in the belly, where it squirms and twists until my eyes inevitably become moist, and even I fall asleep, probably to the arms of bad dreams, dreams poured full of self loathing, regret, regret and more regret.

Oh I'm in such a good, good mood. By which it must be obvious that I'm not. Will I ever feel better? I certainly don't deserve to, whether it's the universe or my subconscious punishing me, it is what I deserve. So you might ask , if you acknowledge you are getting your comeuppance, why analyse it so much? give in to the inevitable!
To which I must answer, mind your own bloody business, it's my blog, and I'll cry if I want to!!

(but later I might add, you are a very perceptive reader, any more insights?)

“I think I've discovered the secret of life - you just hang around until you get used to it.” - Charles M. Schulz

“'Tis pity wine should be so deleterious, for tea and coffee leave us much more serious” - Lord Byron

"When all you feel is the rain and it's hard to be vain
When no person looks at you
So just be gracious and wait in the queue"

Well here's something new for you, today at work was very pleasant! Nice co-workers, good patients, all in all a very very nice day. Sadly this pleasantness, didn't spill over into 'after work'. My house was still empty and cold.
Typically, since I have a late start tomorrow, I am drinking a very nice bottle of Marks and Spencer's wine at the moment, which is taking the edge of my plight quite nicely thank you.
Potential often outweighs actuality. I wasted a good chunk of tonight nodding off in this very chair. So I may be making a reappearance here around 3am , if I can't sleep!

I called at my Mothers house yesterday. My heart sank when I saw that she and my Brother weren't there, only my Dad. I don't want to imply that I dislike him, as I don't, but I knew I would either be ignored or some conflict would ensue. I got both, first he said I couldn't have a second cup of tea, because of a 'world shortage', and then he left the house leaving me all alone. It's good to be so close, isn't it?.
Nothing will ever change, because sadly I am not living in a TV movie (where such last minute reconciliations are common, I believe), but some dull, dull version of real life.

“I can't go back to yesterday - because I was a different person then” - Lewis Carroll

“A good beginning makes a good ending”

"Well they used to be blue,
When they used to be new"

I must admit that I have recently been quite reluctant to post here. Why ? you might ask, if you existed anyway. Well I seem to have descended into creating a blog centred around twin obsessions, my self perceived miserable existence (which although solitary, isn't that bad compared to say 90% of the planets population) and my regret and lingering feelings for my long lost love, Barbara.

I conclude (correctly it would seem) , that no one but me would be interested in such matters (that is after all the reason for the blogs title). I just realised that I have cleverly stumbled upon a way to reference those obsessions, whilst like the ouroboros, devour my own tail, if you see what I mean.

This week I have been thinking a lot about how I unwittingly sabotaged that relationship, looking for motivations, and realising that pretty much everything I did wrong, although almost all unwittingly at the time, was pretty much downright evil and not what such a lovely person deserved. I'm not a bad person, but I'm capable of bad things, to my eternal shame...

In a sudden change of tone, I'll now briefly mention my two favourite TV shows, which I'm sure you will recall are Lost and especially Battlestar Galactica.

Lost this week was such a change in tone. It's now a full blown fantasy / Sci Fi show, which is fine by me. This week however the feel of the show changed totally, Jack is powerless and defanged, Sawyer went from being the hero, to well a spiteful child, and Christian Shepherd is gradually becoming the Wizard of Oz, as in the man behind the curtain. Never the less, it remains compelling.

Battlestar Galactica has ended! In the long term this is a good thing , just think Fawlty Towers, but in the short term I will miss this , the finest of Vancouver products, bar one.
The finale was the show that kept on giving. We had the action adventure of the first hour (I loved the old style centurions literally slugging it out with their modern brethren). The second hour was more cerebral and pretty much tied up all the loose ends one could wish for. That 150,000 years later caption was a bit mind blowing, and yes the final scene did jar tonally with the whole run (robots!) but all in all it was a majestic conclusion to a fantastically coherent and singular TV show. Will we ever see it's like again?
Although the trappings were 'space and robots', it had more to say about the human condition than any drama I recall. (that's the argument I use when I'm accused of watching geeky fluff any how!)
I will happily buy it (all over again) when I finally go high definition (which may well be a long long time).

Billie likes her ipod ! Hurrah! Sadly she remains a teenager (boo!) even if she is only 12!

“If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story.” - Orson Welles (I've used this before, but it is too perfect not to resurrect!)

“The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.”

"Daylight licked me into shape I must have been asleep for days "

Helen of Troy!
I'm dreading going back to work. Night shift has finished for now, but sadly will return , quite unexpectedly, in April - Damnation!
No, I may have been a little loose lipped with some of my opinions at work, and fell foul of certain parties. I will say no more, except I hate conflict, honestly, no joke intended, why can't we all get along?

In quite nice news, my boiler was given a clean bill of health, isn't that pleasant and strangely refreshing?

I did my usual thing, of falling asleep all morning. I went to my Mothers around Lunchtime, and there was all my parcels - products of my Tequila fuelled purchasing last week - when will I learn? A bona fide pile of bargainous DVDs and Cd's - must get watching! Things seem to have replaced people in my life sadly.

Random thoughts, from a less than coherent whole.

There simply isn't enough time to waste! I won't last for ever you know, even the end of the week is looking doubtful! I need something new, maybe it's time to paint that picture, or join that club. You've heard all this before haven't you? This has happened before, it will happen again!

That Stuart Lee show on BBC2 was marvelous despite the fact he seems to be turning into Morrissey!

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” - Oscar Wilde

“I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.” - Marshall McLuhan

"I walk along those city streets you used to walk along with me,
and every step I take recalls how much in love we used to be"

Honestly , everyday I meant to post, to record a snapshot of some random Billy thoughts, or describe some pointless minutiae. I wanted too but I didn't. Mostly it was apathy, of the "I'll do it later... oh it's too late" variety. The rest was simply being too tired. I've said it before, and obviously I'll say it again, (and probably again) but night shift throws the proverbial spanner into my middle aged workings, both mentally and physically.
Mentally, I just hate it. I could get out out the house (laziness) but when I get in I just go to bed, and by the time I get up and get ready, I simply can't be bothered. So as definitely said last week , a week or so can go by, where save for the 60 second phone call Billie and I exchange daily, no human contact has occurred. I'm truly pathetic.
Physically, I'm getting old, and I lead a most unhealthy life. I can sleep, at least for a while, but I never feel rested.
Enough old fart moaning.

Except to say I'm feeling a little (read as very) lost. Depression doesn't really cover it anymore, pointless is a better way of putting it. Like a machine that someone switches on and then never comes back to, it appears to be moving with purpose, but given enough time, no one can remember why.

On a much lighter note, I have to be home by 8am tomorrow, as someone is coming to "service my boiler" (ooh er) !
The time slot is 8 'til 1, what's the betting it'll be ten to one (joke, get it?)?
I'll probably sleep through the doorbell, or he'll condemn my boiler as unsafe (I hope that's a joke).

“The past went that-a-way. When faced with a totally new situation, we tend always to attach ourselves to the objects, to the flavor of the most recent past. We look at the present through a rear view mirror. We march backwards into the future.”

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor” - George Carlin

Just a quick note to self - stick with red wine!

That tequila/Vimto concoction was easier to drink than water (and even more delicious). Consequently I appear to be having my first hangover in many a year, wobbly of foot and queasy of tum.
Beware children everywhere!
Beware...

“Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.” - Winston Churchill.

“Always be yourself... unless you suck.” - Joss Whedon

"if you ever think of me,
I'll be thinking of you,
through thick and thin I bear it and grin,
and never give in."


(I discovered this blog entry unposted just a moment ago, I hadn't forgotten about it, just pushed it to one side, mentally, it's the usual boring stuff...)

Well thank heavens for small victories. This house that seemed like a prison yesterday, before work, seemed welcoming, knowing that days off had arrived. I went straight out after work this morning, and spent far too much money (on Cd's and DVDs of course). but by lunch time I had to wake up, get off my Mothers sofa and come back here. I'm always the same, my youthful spirit (yeah right) says go, go, go, but my aged bones say no,no,no .

I seem to remember starting watching 'The Likely Lads' around 9pm, and then here I am after 11, and I'm a groggy, amnesiac mess. I swear I only touched a drop of wine, (talking of which it would be a crime not to finish this glass).

I don't think insomnia will be a problem tonight.

Apparently I have to do something with my days off this week.

(now back to tonight... er Tuesday)

welcome back.
I gave Billie her ipod touch today, I think she was pleased, it's hard to tell wit a peri-teenage being. Displays of affection will not return for a few years I suspect, it's just not cool to express emotion for your Dad ,I am guessing, when you are almost 13.

I was quite impressed with the device itself by the way. I have absolutely no use for one, but I'd really like one anyway... I think I'm more in touch with my childhood than Billie. On a similar note, my Dad bought a nice wind up/ rechargeable DAB radio for himself and I was trying to engage him , I really thought it was nice. But he just launched a tirade of abuse back at me. i give up we are never going to be friends! (by the way he is 77, I am 43, if anything is going to change, it better be soon.

This sounds very childish, but I just watched the new straight to DVD Wonder Woman film, and it was er, Wonderful. Violent, a little suggestive, and nerd pleasing.

I really want to get drunk, but all the alcohol I have is half a bottle of tequila left over from Barbara's most excellent Mexican themed birthday party from last year. It'll do the job, but is my aged body up to it?

Tune in next week and find out,
same Billy time, same Billy Channel...

“"Someone else's loss is my chocolatey goodness"”

(ps.. anyone have a name for my new tequila/vimto cordial cocktail?)

“Music that gentler on the spirit lies- Than tired eyelids upon tired eyes”

I'm so tired, in all senses of the word. As usual I've arrived home and slumped in front of the computer. Eventually I'll nod off and crawl up to bed. So ends another exciting chapter in the life of Billy Hopkinson...

“Their's not to make reply, Their's not to reason why, Their's but to do and die” - Alfred, Lord Tennyson

“A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.”

Everyday this week I'd intended to post some exciting insight into my wonderful life. As you can see I didn't, draw your own conclusions. Last night I was going to bemoan the fact I was off to work, this morning just generally moan, but I fell asleep in front of the computer. Well here I am well rested (not really). I don't have anything new to say, work was pretty busy, that's all I need to say really. My anticipated night off next week was cancelled, so I am obviously very pleased about that.
It's quite an isolating experience for me during these night shifts. I go to work, stagger home in the morning. Get up , get ready and off to work. The cycle continues. The upshot is nearly a week can pass by without any contact with the outside world. As you know that's something I get lots of (detect the tone). You don't miss what you never had, that's rubbish isn't it? Of course you can.

Something I did enjoy this week, very much, was 'Lost'. Excuse me the banality of discussing TV for a moment.
I assume the name 'LaFleur' (of character and episode) somehow referenced Sawyers 'flowering' as a person, he did seemed genuinely happy in his new life. Furthermore the romance with Juliet seemed completely natural, and quite wonderful. The emotion he felt when reunited with Kate struck me more as sadness at the loss of this happiness.
The makers can throw any old hokum at us, and we love it all the more.

I got to work very early last night (luckily). I entered the changing room to discover the powers that be had, for some reason, crammed what seemed like hundreds of new lockers in there (it's not a big space). Consequently my locker had gone on a magical mystery tour. I still have a sore thumb from trying my key in literally hundreds of locks.
consequently I was late, only five minutes mind you, the first time in twenty years I can ever recall being late! (I hate being late!).

Sighs...

“It is neither good nor bad, but thinking makes it so.” - William Shakespeare

“Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.”- Mae West

"Now she's gone away and I'm alone with a mem'ry of her last look
Vague and drawn and sad I see it still, all her heartbreak in that last look"

It's amazing how fast a bottle of wine can go : when you want it to!
When I'm walking home from work, the fact that I'm finished usually lifts my spirits in as much that I'm finished albeit for an evening, a day or a week. The upshot of this lifted (somewhat) mood is that I usually begin an internal monologue. It's a time for reflection and all the best blog posts that never were are composed, are composed and then soon, alas, forgotten.
Imagine that - some blog posts that are actually meaningful and interesting.

Days off now and then nights, but I am pleasantly drunk. That seems to be the only time I feel positive, sadly, that and the evening of impending days off. There is nothing so inspirational in life as potential. Potential often outweighs actuality. The next few days could bring mystery, romance and adventure (they won't) but the possibility is enough to lift ones mood somewhat. Often the imagining of something is better than the something one is imagining, if you see what I mean.

One of the things I miss most about Barbara is talking just before I went to sleep. Back then I went to sleep happy, contented and above all with a sense of purpose. Obviously that is why my insomnia has returned, but happily it is much less of a ferocious beast than it once was (maybe it has a memory). As old Alfie Tennyson so correctly said, better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. And I loved...

(ps. - other things I miss are her intelligence, her compassion and wit... It's okay, she's not looking)
(pps. - there are many, many more things I miss).


I could go on... I'm sure I will...

I love this song , I mean love it (although not especially this version), wonderful lyrics and so very very sad...

“It is better to be looked over than overlooked.” - Mae West

(apparently heterosexual men are not supposed to like Tori Amos)