“Flowers leave some of their fragrance in the hand that bestows them”

"The pretty nurse is selling poppies from the tray"

It's very late, or very early depending on if you are a glass empty/ glass full kind of a person. I start night shift later today, so I've engaged my usual (but seldom working) plan of staying up very late, so I can sleep in.

I could have actually went out last night! There was a wedding 'do' and I even had a lift there and back. In the end I decided against it. I could try and rationalise until the cows come home several times, but the bottom line is I'm now socially very lazy. Rubbish at meeting new people too.

Of course I haven't been able to find any holiday, and with the start only about 10 days away it looks like I'll be staying at home (again).

Now I just have these seven night shifts to get out of the way. I haven't mentioned how much I hate nights, well not in the past week anyway...

Did I mention I am a little drunk?(I'm six foot three). I feel like making an embarrassing phone call... (embarrassing to me at least!)

“The error of one moment becomes the sorrow of a whole life” - Chinese Proverb

“Time is the justice that examines all offenders.”

I sat down to type... then nothing, mind's a blank.
It may be unconnected but I have been so tired recently, deeply physically tired. So tired it overcomes my insomnia most nights. I'm not working any harder, am I just getting older or is this just a physical manifestation of depression?

In my search for a very cheap holiday (only two weeks away!) I came across a flight to Vancouver for only £300 return, if only...


Tonights viewing, Hancock, Mad Max 2, and all new Mad Men! what a manly trio eh?

“When words are scarce they are seldom spent in vain”

“Life's tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late”- Benjamin Franklin

"He travels on to wherever he must,
A chess knight of silver is his badge of trust"

Hello, it's me again, albeit briefly.
I'm knackered, in all senses of the word. Signs and symptoms of age and wear and tear are piling up. Literally limping home last night after two consecutive 13 hours shifts, well I was asleep before 11pm for the first time in years.
Speaking of work, it's becoming very tense for Nurses there. It's as if our own management is turning on us, we are simply pieces on their big game board now, not friends and colleagues, but i imagine every one feels like this, everywhere.

Its seems there will be no Christmas night out this year, I'll miss my annual chance to dance!

It's two weeks since I've seen Billie, blimey I miss her.

I watched "Crank 2" today (absolutely crazy, totally preposterous, but great fun) and "The Spirit" (very disappointing indeed). It seems all I do these days is watch movies, oh well!

“You know you're getting older when your knees buckle, but your belt won't”

“Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?” - Emo Philips

"She's a very kinky girl,
The kind you don't take home to mother "

I have nothing to say.
However, if forced - It's just after midnight, and for once I am very tired (plus I had one of those shifts today, 13 hours of it)
Furthermore I am in a right royal funk! I was already heading in that direction when earlier I got myself into a kind of nostalgia feedback loop and very nearly vanished into it.
You can probably guess what I was dwelling upon (if you need a clue, e-mail me!). I'd like to say more , I really would, but I am training to become a man of few words, so goodnight!

“At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.” - Emo Philips

“When making your choice in life, do not neglect to live” - Samuel Johnson

"And I am a weapon of massive consumption,
and it's not my fault it's how I'm programmed to function"

I have to admit that my routine is even boring me, and it's MY routine. I've got a fortnight off coming up in September. I'd love to go somewhere, to do something. But both you and I know , that, well , I won't. However if any of my imaginary audience have a suggestion for a cheap and interesting getaway, then fire away (those 'ways' were placed a bit close together weren't they?).

I've hardly called in at my parents this week. This is unusual, because, apart from work, it's the only other place I go. My Dad's annoying me more and more, in fact they all are to some degree. I would go literally mad (madder?) if I didn't get out of the house, at least occasionally, but being ignored isn't the preferred option.

I'm just treading water until I die I suppose.

In cheerier news, I have been enjoying watching "Nurse Jackie", which isn't really a sit-com, more an half hour drama. I'm not a philandering drug addict (at least yet) but it has a few things I recognise about Nursing, although to be honest I don't work in a Manhattan ER, but some things are universal.

Time for bed...

“I inherited a vile melancholy from my father, which has made me mad all my life, at least not sober” - Samuel Johnson

“The heart will break, but broken live on.” - Lord Byron

"And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die"


Another exciting day in the life of Billy Hopkinson comes to an end.

I called in at my Mams yesterday, and, heaven forbid, only my Dad was there.
I sat there for almost an hour and he didn't say hello, or in fact anything, not even any eye contact or a slight nod in my direction.
I got up and left without a word, what a relationship eh?

In stark contrast when I called Billie at her Grandmothers, the sounds of 'normal' bustling family life in the background, were actually jarring to me, I'm simply not used to that. I've been here for four years now and can count on my thumbs alone, the number of family visits I've had (and that's assuming I had some terribly traumatic thumb amputations, which I haven't , but go with it okay?).
Am I really that difficult to get along with? or do I have an extremely indifferent family? I suspect both.
Remember that hour or so of DIY my brother started eight weeks ago? well he still hasn't been back to finish off. I rest my case.

I'm doomed to live out the rest of my days (however long that might be) alone! do I care? I'm not so sure anymore!



Self pity over...

“There's not a joy the world can give like that it takes away”

“Joy's recollection is no longer joy, while sorrow's memory is sorrow still”

"When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted,
To sever for years"

I must admit I am losing interest in this so called blog. At first I loved prattling on about 'stuff', but now it is becoming, well, a chore.
Why? well, there are only so many ways to say 'I'm depressed and lonely' and to be absolutely frank my life is very dull and bereft of amusing anecdotes. Furthermore , I'm far from a great thinker or wit, so even my internal monologues are of no consequence on 'paper'.

In the real world,I'm worried of late that Billie and I are drifting apart. She has no interest in doing anything together, and our 60 second daily phone calls, consist of me asking her a few questions , getting annoyed at her mono-syllabic answers and then saying goodnight. (Of course, I KNOW this is all normal behaviour for a 13 year old, but I fret, and want to be a good Dad). I haven't seen her for nearly a week, and she's off to her Grandmothers for a week. I miss her.
I miss a lot of things.

It's two in the morning, but I'm so stressed, I can't sleep. So here I am typing words that no one will ever read, and even the author isn't really that interested.

I'm off to watch the new series of 'Mad Men', that retro angst will make me feel a whole lot better I imagine (I'm being sarcastic, imagine).

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes - Lord Byron (yes again)

“Smiles form the channels of a future tear.” - Lord Byron

"This ain't no party, this ain't no disco,
This ain't no fooling around
No time for dancing, or lovey dovey,
I ain't got time for that now"

In an already uneventful life, this week was exceptionally, well, er quiet.

I watched 'First Blood' the other day, it was much better than I remembered (so much so, I plan on watching the other three very soon).
More interesting than my in depth opinion was that I noticed it was filmed in British Columbia. Likewise after watching 'Watchmen' I discovered it was filmed almost entirely in Vancouver. (by the way Watchmen was much much better than I had expected - if that interests you at all)

Now there are many many great shows and movies made in this wonderful province, but I am surely falling into that human habit of seeing significance where none lies. We all see patterns where no patterns are, purely because we demand some order from what appears to be chaos. I notice all these wonderful Canadian locations because ( although there is bloody loads of stuff made there) simply I want to wallow consciously or not.
(I realise that if you have stumbled across this blog, you will have no idea what I am talking about,or any significance, perceived or otherwise. Frankly I don't care, I was simply pointing it out, so there!)
Petulant aside over, I have been mightily troubled by ear wax of late. My ears feel like they have had concrete poured into them. I feel a little dizzy, plus obviously I'm a bit deaf. I know better than to stick anything in there, so I'm persevering with oil - interesting eh?

I'm a little bemused by the anti NHS stuff going on in America at the moment. From the British perspective it is obviously blatant propaganda by the insurance companies fearing loss of revenue. Their perception of 'social' health care seems like a throwback to the cold war period. I can imagine that those that have paid up, might initially be a bit miffed that others will suddenly get health care for free, but however much you despise an individual (and I'm all for that), doesn't everyone deserve to be healthy, or at least have a shot at it?

My Parental relationship with Billie seems to have settled into a new routine. Mainly watching her chatting online, and the trying to get her out of bed before midday!

I had the new 50MB broadband installed yesterday. I say 'installed', but I got the impression the engineer didn't know a lot about computers. However a little rearranging after he left and everything seems okay, for now.


As you probably noticed, I tend to have ups and downs (no, really?), and I can feel the edge of the 'down' approaching. (I know that sentence was atrocious by the way.) So I imagine I shall continue to sit here in my dressing gown, until it's time for bed.

Until next time...

(just watched this last night, the best concert movie, like ever!)

“I only go out to get me a fresh appetite for being alone.” - Lord Byron

“I can't go back to yesterday - because I was a different person then” - Lewis Carroll

"Lonely feelin' deep inside
Find a corner where I can hide
Silent footsteps crowdin' me
Sudden darkness, but I can see"

When ever I stumble across Barbara on last.fm, and i often do, there's usually a reaction. First, I have a second of delight as I recognise her avatar, then a nosediving heart.
To my amazement, even after all this time she still has a powerful effect on my emotions. Just a few nights ago I was musing over the top ten moments of my life, and to be honest she took about seven of the available places.
As I'm sure I have said before, eventually I will be over her , but I will miss this emotional baggage as it is my only connection with her.

I actually set out to type about some trivial work related matters, but came across Barbara as I checked my last.fm visitors. So inevitably ...

That's plenty, I feel very sad now.

"Which road do I take? she asked. Where do you want to go? was his response. I don't know, Alice answered. Then, said the cat, it doesn't matter"

“To the mediocre, mediocrity appears great” - Indian proverb

"Study my reflection
and let the colours fall
Slip into stillness
And be above it all"

Blimey what a long time since I saw you last. Oh yes I've thought of many insightful and witty things to post, but they slipped out of my mind "like tears in rain" and never made it onscreen. It seems only the late night ramblings get through, which, sadly, is usually all the crud and detritus left by the absence of the 'good stuff'. Plus my relatively neutral state of mind means that very little is annoying me enough to appear in text, and my ever eventful (by which I mean uneventful) life hardly produces enough anecdotes to wallpaper a dolls house.

Billie and I were moved to tears by Edward Scissorhands (on blu-ray) last week, so this week we've watched Beetlejuice (not on blu ray). While hardly the emotional tour de force of Mr.Scissorhands, it still went down well with her, but it was hardly the laughfest I recalled. Maybe you really shouldn't revisit some old classics - but then again Pee-Wees Big Adventure holds up remarkably, so bang goes that hypothesis.
I watched 'Knowing' the other night and it was just okay. Mr. Cages hair continues to amaze however, is it made of straw? or brillo pads maybe?

The heat has made the workplace into a tropical sweat storm, especially for one as svelte as me. sadly in a few weeks I'll probably be moaning about the cold weather and the cost of fuel, it's all rather inevitable isn't it?

On the horizon I have a fortnights holiday coming up. I really really must do something constructive with it, or get away for a day or two. Promise me you will remind me , okay?

Be seeing you!

“To watch us dance is to hear our hearts speak”