"When drink's in wit's oot."

“Smell is a potent wizard that transports you across thousands of miles and all the years you have lived.” - Helen Keller

Getting into bed last night I had what can only be described as an olfactory hallucination. I swore I caught a hint of "5th Avenue", which is, of course, the perfume worn by Barbara. It wasn't really there of course and was very fleeting, but the emotional effects caused by the memory of smells always amazes me. In my opinion it is the most powerful of memory jerkers, so to speak. For a moment, she was in the room.

Earlier that day I'd opened a tin of Heinz custard (exciting stuff eh?). It looked a little 'odd' so I gave it a taste only to find it was actually full of rice pudding. I ate it anyway, of course (let's just say I haven't what you would describe as a well stocked larder!).
By the way, for future reference, I prefer custard cold.

Back to work tomorrow! I don't know why it is stressing me so, I'm sure an hour after getting there, all this lovely idleness will fade away and become a warm fuzzy memory.
(oh dear - I can't remember my computer password. For some reason we get a new one generated automatically every 12 weeks. Let's hope muscle memory kicks in).

Usually I'm to be found typing this junk in the early hours, more often than not slightly under the effects of alcohol (imagine). At the moment it's not even 6pm. My plans for this evening involve a bottle of wine, a nice hot bath, and some brainless action movie. Tonight I want to be entertained rather than challenged. No movie last night, House followed by the new season of Dexter. The sign of good entertainment is not noticing the passage of time. If you look at your watch more than once during a movie, it's no good! (for instance see my opinions on 'Revenge of the Fallen', I was practically glued to the clock, in fact it may have been slightly more entertaining than the movie!). Getting back to my so called point, Dexter seemed to be over in a moment. It is a remarkable show, with a 'hero' compelled to kill, but so incredibly likable. In 'Six Feet Under' Michael C Hall was irritating, but I realise that was good acting now! The fact it is actually made in Miami, rather than Los Angeles or more frequently Vancouver, really gives the show a different sensibility, I think it's the quality of light! Plus this seasons protagonist is the marvellous John Lithgow. I'm hooked after one episode! Anyway enough of TV, an evening of time wasting, wine and probably a bit of wistful introspection awaits.

Be seeing you...

(Bryan Ferry is technically a Mackem, like me, although I'm sure he would deny it!!! oh and by the way I love this song)

"When the hert's past hope the face is past shame." - Scottish Proverb (they're still amusing me)

"A guid tale's no the worse o bein twice told"

"When you're tired and little lonely,
And your heart has nowhere to head,
Think of me, I'll be thinking somewhere,
All of those things that you said"

The only way I can think of to make my life more eventful, would be to reverse time. At the moment there are plankton who have more going on.

Only a couple of days before I go back to work, in all I will have been off for nearly three weeks! three weeks, count 'em!
I've got that last day of the summer holidays feeling, from back when I had summer holidays, i.e. childhood. That last evening, in early September, where you felt like your life would end the next day, but obviously never did!
I didn't leave the house at all today, except to pick up Billie for her post school, pre-bath period she spends with me during school days (assuming I'm not at work, of course).

It's that time of year again when all my favourite (and strangely all American/Canadian) shows start. I'm especially looking forward to the new series (season?) of Dexter, but there's also House, Mad Men, and the Mentalist. I'm toying with the idea of NOT watching Season 9 of Smallville. It really jumped the shark a couple of years back, plus it reminds me of well, you know what. (edit - from the next day - I relented, it wasn't so bad, but I recognised that famous skytrain bridge)

I started watching Band of Brothers again (only this time on Blu Ray) and again was moved to shed a wee tear. The humility and humanity of the 'real' Men gets me every time. For a show full of death and violence, its very , well, human.

I'm rambling... see you later?

ps. I watched the Transformers sequel last night too. The first one was entertaining and disposable, this one was certainly disposable and very very long. How could a movie about damn big robots beating each other up, be so incredibly dull! No sequel please!

"Him that keeks throu a keyhole micht see what will vex him".

"A day to come seems longer than a year that's gone"

"Once there was a way to get back homeward,
Once there was a way to get back home"

Blimey, it's nearly 4am again, and I , obviously, can't get to sleep.

Friday was a lovely Autumn day, at least weather wise. I took a drive to Durham. Although it's only 10 miles away I haven't been for 18 months, since I went with Barbara (I think the association is why I've stayed away, to be honest). Amusingly I parked in exactly the spot where I got a parking ticket, when I was there with Andrea, who apparently still finds this amusing. My point seems to have wandered, er, oh yes, a lovely day, walking through a city with a world heritage site, yet I still felt as glum as could be, no joy found there, I'm just a miserable sod I think, not happy unless I'm unhappy. Actually I can remember what real happiness is like and it's, very obviously, pretty good!

Holiday is all but over, but to be honest I'm a little (a lot) bored. Had a nice chat with my brother earlier, I won't go into details, but I think he's as messed up as I am.

I'm off to try and sleep again...

"Get a name as an early riser and you can lie in your bed all day" - more Scots proverbs

“Confessed faults are half-mended.”

"The moon went down stars were gone,
But the sun didn't rise with the dawn"

what a fun day I had (obviously this is sarcasm)...

However, I did just watch the season 6 opener of House, in wonderful hi-def, and okay the story was sign posted from the first scene, but it was wonderful eh? Hugh Laurie , what a guy! (No sarcasm intended at all, no really!). But (spoiler alert) will Houses new frame of mind last? If it does, will it be the same show?
(I spent the whole episode trying to recall where I'd seen that lady Doctor before - "Not Going Out"! I love that show!)

I was up until after four am this morning, it's been a while since that happened. Not insomnia this time however (although those pesky seagulls were tap dancing on my roof again ! it's flat you see) but stomach cramps and nausea. Something I ate I expect, I feel better now, at least physically. Ho hum.

"Whisky may not cure the common cold, but it fails more agreeably than most other things." - Another Scottish proverb.

“The day has eyes, the night has ears”

"There was a boy I used to be,
I guess that he was cold,
If she came to buy him now,
How cheaply he'd be sold"

Ugh - I feel dreadful tonight. I can't get to sleep, queasy tummy and , strangely, back pain.
I was supposed to go on a trip later today, to visit my sister, who has moved to Scarborough, and have a day trip to Whitby, strangely I've never been there and it's only about 50 miles from here. My point being, I don't think I'll go.

I was driving down a lane near the town centre today to park. It's a cobbled lane only wide enough for kerb parking and single file traffic. I was about two thirds down it and there were no spaces, but along comes a Woman in the opposite direction, and drives right up to my bumper. Politeness would suggest she reversed as I had gone the further distance, but she refused to budge. A stalemate of about 10 minutes later, me staring at her intently, was only broken when a car behind her pulled out. I then saw why she hadn't reversed out as she spent the next 5 minutes trying to reverse into the space. I laughed and laughed very theatrically (so she could see me) and then reversed all the way back down the lane (petty I know, but very satisfying). Now older readers may see a similarity with a Galton and Simpson comedy here, but this is what happened, I assure you.

I am going to try and sleep again, be seeing you, probably, I suppose. (To be honest I think I shall implode with boredom and loneliness, I'm not looking forward to going back to work, but some human company will be a nice change, holiday, schmoliday!

“Were it not for hope the heart would break.”
- Scottish proverb (and there will be many more!)

“What may be done at any time will be done at no time” - Scottish Proverb

A New day, and well , much the same really. I'm sitting here at home with nothing to do and nowhere to go. Even my Mam and Dad have gone away for a week, so no casual drop ins there. The weather is awful too, and it's getting really cold!
I wish I could shake of this malaise, it's getting more common. I sit down in front of the computer , put on the headphones, fire up mediamonkey and a random play list, then I'm stuck for hours.
I am becoming an Olympic standard ruminator (and I don't refer to the bovine definition).
Something has to change!

“We'll never know the worth of water till the well go dry.”

“Eyes that do not cry, do not see” - Swedish Proverb

"They say the spirit moves in mysterious ways,
Sometimes the way it moves looks plain berserk,
But two things you should be slow to criticize,
A man's choice of woman and his choice of work"

Me?Again?
I don't want to bore you with details (although anyone with half a brain and who's read more than one of my postings could probably make an insightful guess) but I suddenly feel completely deflated, miserable, and unhappy (yes even more so than usual). Why? well harking back to my facebook ponderings of yesterday, sometimes ignorance is bliss.

Draw your own conclusions, is it too early for a glass of wine?
(looks at clock - bleeding 5pm Sunday! maybe the most depressing hour of the week?).
I think I shall be scowling for the rest of the evening.

I'm not a violent person, but I'm off for some cathartic playstation punching!

“What breaks in a moment may take years to mend.” - more Swedish Wisdom

“True friends stab you in the front.” - Oscar Wilde

"People hear me, who can know
if our time on Earth's the soundcheck or the show?"

Well half my holiday gone. I feel very unstressed, but also very unfulfilled (that isn't quite the word I want but it will do), and dare I say it, very lonely.
Billie stayed last night and we had a good time, but a bit of adult company would be most welcome.

On a trivial note I finished (and immensely enjoyed) Arkham Asylum on the Playstation, and on my 10 ft screen it was glorious to look at. I'm not much of a gamer, but I've always been a Batman fan.
The new 'Unthanks' (formerly Rachel Unthank and the Winterset) cd finally arrived today. Very enjoyable in a miserable kind of way, but the Prefab Sprout album still wins out for emotional effect on yours truly.

I toyed briefly with the notion of signing up for Facebook today. I have always been dead set against it for some reason. I really want to get in touch with some people who I know dwell there, but at the same time there are those I wish to avoid (again avoid is totally the wrong word, but I'll let it stand). Is Facebook laying yourself perhaps to bare and accessible? Oh I want to be accessible, but only on my own terms, Facebook has always seemed to me like leaving your curtains open and the 'big' light on, then complaining to your neighbours about nosiness.

“I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work.'” - Mitch Hedberg

“Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.” - Oscar Wilde

It's two in the morning - maybe I should go to bed?

“If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.”

"here comes the last of the great romantics"

I had a nightmare last night, probably influenced by the ever playing radio, but it's left me with a nagging negative air (although how anyone would ever notice I cannot imagine).
Last week I was at my Mams (there's a novelty) when my Dad disappeared. Now this is not unusual, as he sometimes actively avoids me, I don't think he actually likes me. Anyway this vanishing act was into the back room , rather than upstairs his usual bolt hole. I was a little concerned and looked in to find him lying on the floor, semi-conscious and vomiting all over himself. The strangest thing ifs that my Mother was sitting across from him, not alerting anyone to this because he had said not to!
My Sister was there too (she is also a Nurse, albeit the trickier mental health variety). We (notice not I) eventually got him to have a change of clothes and a lie down, once his conscious level had returned to normal. I made my Mother promise to keep him at home for a day or two, as he had been working outside and it was unseasonably warm, I suspected he was a little dehydrated. Next day he was apparently much better, but after I rang up my Mam went out shopping, and according to my Brother, as soon as she was gone, he (my Dad, not my Brother) slipped into some clothes and went out! What a big petulant child. He simply would not take any advice from me (nor has he ever) but any quack or half wit can espouse rubbish ion the tabloids or on TV and he will happily repeat it as gospel! Real life experience and advice from me goes unheeded. I know I sound like the petulant child now, but he has never liked or respected me, despite my efforts. almost on a daily basis he accuses me of picking on him, when all I am actually doing is trying to engage him on some, any, level.

I often wish for the cliched family,- Dad pops in an does a bit of DIY for you and jokes about something he read, Mam comes round for a cup of Tea, Brother takes you out for a drink, we all laugh and joke and discuss the issues of the world - "time to wake up Mr. Hopkinson".

(as illumination for the above, in the past four years, My Dad has visited me once, on the night I was assaulted, for 10 minutes, my Mam has maybe been here three times, totalling less than an hour, and two of those I'd brought her here in my car, even though she passes within a third of a mile EVERY day on the bus. C'est la vie!).

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others." - Groucho Marx

“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.” - Dr Seuss

"Regrets, I've had a few..."

An absolutely beautiful and warm September day. I stayed in. I did nip out to take Billie home, she stayed last night, but on the whole I simply wanted to curl up in a ball.
I listened to the "new" Prefab Sprout album (actually it's 17 years old) and almost burst into tears. No not because it was a disappointment, but because it was (almost) perfect, nostalgic, optimistic and above all uplifting. For a few moments I was 25 again, with nothing but potential ahead. In fact I listened to it 3 times in a row, lovely liner notes from Paddy McAloon too.
I then read a whole slew of interviews with Mr.McAloon, all very illuminating, especially his thoughts on tinnitus (from which I of course suffer, but not quite so severely I imagine).
(The only thing that stopped the album from being perfect was a lack of Wendy Smith and Thomas Dolby, by the way).

So begins my fortnight off...

(one more thing, and sorry to seem like a monomaniac, but today I came across some video clips on my phone of Barbara, sadly only a few seconds long, and despite making me initially quite sad , she looked so happy in them it made me smile, a lot)

“How did it get so late so soon? Its night before its afternoon. December is here before its June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?”

(apologies for reusing these Dr Seuss quotes)

“Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.”

"Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Till it's gone"

Duality, one half can't be appreciated without the other. I detest night shift, but finishing one, gives me a temporary vigour. Sadly the same applies to almost everything, the onset of winter makes Summer seem sweeter. The biggest cliche of all, but so so true, you don't know what you have until it's gone.
As I said to Billie the other day (or something like it at least), "you don't know you are in a golden age, until it has passed."
The principle applies to people too,
here endeth the lesson.

“Do not anxiously hope for that which is not yet come; do not vainly regret what is already past” - Chinese proverb.

“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.” - Oscar Wilde

Later that same day...

I know it's a cliche to talk about the weather.
However, it sort of fits in with my 'in a bad mood' vibe of late, both literally and figuratively.
Over the past week or two , what passed for the British Summer has ebbed away, and what can only be described as a chill has replaced it. It's not exactly cold yet, it's more like a signpost to the shivering and sniffles ahead. The change in temperature doesn't exactly help ones mood either. Being unhappy on a warm day, seems somehow more tolerable.
I am essentially a pensioner in training then, the dread of winter heating bills, second duvets, and an icy bathroom begins.
Listening to myself go on is depressing me, so I'm off for a couple of hours hibernation, before work.

“What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.” - Oscar Wilde

“When you feel dog tired at night, it may be because you've growled all day long”

"Learn to live without me, then
Never learn to live again"

Well, another scintilating week over. I sat down to post a few times, but fell asleep on almost every occasion. Switching between days and nights really screws up your conscious levels, especially for a fine physical specimen like myself.
Given the choice I would prefer long dull shifts with nothing happening, sadly there were none like that, maybe tonight?

As for myself I've been in one of my more negative frames of mind recently (no really?). I really am treading water now, behind and in front the only thing my metaphorical self sees is a whole lot of horizon.
Surprises in life do come along I suppose, but I've already had the biggest and best happen (see any past references to Canada), and I'm not a lightning strikes twice kind of guy, unless, of course it were the same lightning! (that was a clumsy sentence!).

As I always new would happen, I was unable to find any last minute holidays for my soon to arrive 'vacation'. But a very late deal may still appear eh? (No, I don't think so either).
(Last night I watched 'Outlander' an okay actioner, set rather convincingly in Viking era Norway. All very nice, but turns out it was filmed entirely in Canada - again!)

“When making your choice in life, do not neglect to live” - Samuel Johnson