“Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.” - Oscar Levant

"Listen. Does this sound familiar? You wake up every morning, go to
school every day, spend your nights on the corner just passing the time away.
Your life is so lonely like a child without a toy."

I loathe Sunday mornings more than any other part of the week, I don't fully understand why. I know for lots of people Sunday is a time of relaxing, reading the papers, enjoying time with loved ones, maybe having a nice lie in and a lovely big lunch. But the am of this day is when I feel at my lowest, treading the dullest water of the dullest day, waiting for the next non event to float by, just out of reach.
Obviously I'm at a very low point anyway, but as I sit here getting ready to start work in an hour or two, on that day of days, well it's like going over my mental state with a very big highlighter pen. Please indulge my ongoing crisis, to paraphrase Casablanca, the trouble of one little person don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world, but I'm the only one looking out for my little hill, and I'm often heard to say, 'It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

Without destroying the fun mood completely, I'm sincerely having an incredibly difficult emotional time, and I really find it hard to express how completely desolate and alone I feel (not all of the time, but it's getting worse). I try and joke about it , but the lack of anyone to talk to, is nibbling at the edges of my sanity I fear. I'm starting to worry about worry...

(to add to my fun , I'm finding work a bit problematic at the minute, I don't want to go into any details at the moment, but I'm bound to return to this topic sooner or later)

Well wasn't that a bundle of laughs!

“I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients”

“Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week” - Spanish Proverb

"Oh, what happened to you?
Whatever happened to me?
What became of the people we used to be?"

Be afraid, be very afraid - I'm feeling sorry for myself today. So you may want to look elsewhere for entertainment (actually that applies to ALL of my posts).
Now read on...

I don't normally mention dreams, other than to say I've had them of course. The contents are so personal and usually meaningless when you try and put them down in the form of words, rather than images and feelings, they sound trite and completely dull, dull!. However ignoring that, last night I had a dream that Barbara become the Star of a Sit-Com that was super popular world wide.Everybody loved her, the compassionate, beautiful, and sassy one liner queen of TV land, yet in the dream this made me very upset, not because of her success, but the fact that I let (or rather caused) her slip from my grasp, and here was a weekly 30 minute reminder of my wrongdoing. Needless to say when I woke up the emotional hangover from this subconscious escapade left me feeling rather down, even more than usual, if you can imagine such a thing. I still can't shake it off completely (and it's mid afternoon). Paging Dr Freud...

I'm becoming more and more detached from the normal goings on of regular folk. I had a days holiday this week, which means for the past four days I've done almost nothing constructive.
It was pay day yesterday, but even that normally smile inducing few minutes, left me feeling nothing. Surely the fact I can write about this stuff (over and over) means that I probably haven't yet arrived at the doors marked "serious mental health issues" (but really, who would have such a sign?) but I'm certainly on a nodding acquaintance with it, if one can be on a nodding acquaintance with a door that is!
I have no drive to do anything about it, no desire to get out and do things (just look at the progress I've made in booking a holiday), and even less to meet people. I continue to worry...

I had a haircut yesterday, and in a return to posts of yesteryear it was a bloomin' disaster. Why can't he just do as I ask? eh? um? an inch or two off the back and leave the sides long - long! comprende?
At the 'barbers' I frequent , not five minutes walk from where I sit, there are two people cutting hair. One man, one lady. As you will probably have guessed all the good haircuts I've had in the past years have not been from the man (hey! this was an episode of Seinfeld too!).

Needless to say when my crudely shorn locks have returned to a decent length, I'm going somewhere else, mark my words! Now grow damn you, grow!

“He who says what he likes, hears what he does not like”

(taken from the first random page I googled for the symptoms of depression in men,
honestly what a dope I am)

* Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood
* Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
* Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
* Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
* Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down"
* Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
* Trouble sleeping, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
* Appetite and/or weight change
* Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts
* Restlessness, irritability
* Persistent physical symptoms, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain, which do not respond to routine treatment

"Come with me if you want to live!"

"The windows of the world are covered with rain,
Where is the sunshine we once knew?"

Whilst looking at the computer at work for details of a new admission, I noticed my Dad was in A/E. I felt very calm about this to my surprise, but I feared the worst. Luckily it turned out that his problem was far from life threatening and He somehow wangled himself home rather than spending a night in hospital (as I and the Doctors in A/E would have preferred). Consequently he failed to receive important information and follow up treatment arrangements, all for the sake of a night of soap operas. I suspect this was somewhat down to embarrassment and his shying away from anything intimate and of a personal nature. But what do I know? it's only what I do for a living.
Now he's sitting at home, no District Nurse arranged, lacking in vital equipment, and no idea of follow up or prognosis. It all makes me a little angry, and my writing is shockingly bad tonight, but it was a very busy 13 hour shift today... I'm drifting...

(voice from the future - District Nurse was eventually arranged, all is well - for now...)

I've found a new equilibrium with Facebook. I don't comment on anyones pages, I don't do anything in fact, just change my status every couple of days. This gives me a wonderful chance to recycle some of my favourite quotes from these very pages.
I haven't actually invited anybody to be my friend (well all except one, and she sort of changed her mind). No one bothers me, I don't bother anyone, it's like a microcosm of the rest of my life really.

It's payday this week, the first since before Christmas. now I can start planning a holiday. I seriously considered southern Sweden, land of 'Wallander' but for the price of a short break , I could have a fortnight in the more touristy destinations (not that I want to), however the single person supplement is crippling. More likely then is the UK city break, I've never been to Wales, I could get the ferry to Northern Ireland, or I could go back to Scotland, there's my choices, I shall cogitate.


Tonight I'm almost overpowered by dreaded nostalgia!


Well I'm going to wait for something to happen to me ( a little voice tells me, 'get comfortable then')...

“The Beatles saved the world from boredom.” - George Harrison

“Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday”

"Party people
Party people
Can y'all get funky?"

I do so look forward to my days off. However my favourite part of the week is the transition between work and said days off, that evening when it all lies in front of you (no matter how dull and unfulfilled it may be). Potential is always exciting, even if that potential never fails to disappoint.

I got in last night after a very busy 13 hour shift. Being the keen observer I am I noticed that a huge picture had fallen of the wall by my dimly lit desk. I went to replace it and found it had fallen because it was warped from damp! Here we go again with the leaking roof, another £1000, I hope not (er - obviously!). How had I not noticed the rather expansive brown stain running along that wall, and down behind my toy (holding) shelves? (er, did I mention it's dimly lit?) Needless to say I did what I always do in a little crisis, went to bed and pulled the covers over me, it's the ostrich in me!
In a world in crisis, all it takes is a leaky roof o push yours truly into a deep dark huff.

I hope I have enough cash left to fix the roof, have a holiday and renovate my bathroom (the latter has been pending since I moved in , but enough is enough!)

I picked Billie up after school, which always makes me feel better. Nothing like a spontaneous hug from your lovely daughter to make you feel better eh? (smiles)

TV highlight - the first four (count 'em) episodes of season 8 of '24'. Still ludicrous, Jack's still a nutter, still fantastic...

(and welcome back to former Cylon, born in Sunderland, resident in Vancouver, former Stanley Kowalski, former Ray Vecchio, aka Callum Keith Rennie...)

“The damp of the night drives deeper into my soul.” - Walt Whitman

(dilemma - do I re-request Andrea as a Facebook friend? - something tells me no...)

“A man is sorry to be honest for nothing” - Ovid

Very sorry about that! Wine fuelled 3am rants are always like that I suspect.

“It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.” - - Marcus Aurelius

"But in your dreams, whatever they be,
Dream a little dream of me"

A little dizzy, a little incoherent, but what else do you expect?
Time to move on ? absolutely, but will I? I suspect the answer is a painfully obvious no!
So bored today, so immobilised by apathy, self loathing, by loneliness, manifested in an almost physical pain, a knot in my psyche that has become an almost constant companion, but one that won't even speak to me.
Nothing coherent to say , but oh how I wish I could be completely honest here, but to bare ones soul completely is to lay ones self open to complete ridicule, so I will have to go on simply implying, simply implying.

Today had no highlights.

Tomorrow is always tomorrow...

“It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.” - Woody Allen

“Eggs have no business dancing with stones” - Italian Proverb

"Do my brooding and my scheming, lie awake and pray,
Do my crying and my sighing, laugh at yesterday"

Something about January depresses me. I know that is hardly an original thought, but there you go. The year is like a roller coaster ride, slowly, slowly cranking up to the top of the first drop in December then suddenly, whoosh , and we are in the depths of January, and begin the slow ascent to December again (okay I admit it's a pretty poor roller coaster, only one drop, and a pretty poor metaphor too, would comparing it to the plight of Sisyphus be more apt?).
Anyway, I can feel the weight of the year pressing down on me, with all it's inevitable boredom, and all the things that won't happen. Bring it on!

Anyway where am I? 10 days of the year gone and same old , same old. Tonight's highlights were a bottle of red wine and a blu-ray of 'Dead Snow', which is a most entertaining Norwegian Nazi Zombie comedy horror type malarkey affair.

I have two weeks holiday on the horizon (March) so begins the ritual of me saying how much I'd like to get away every few days, and inevitably staying right where I am. Don't let this happen okay ! (who am I kidding?)

The snow seems to be starting to disperse at last, only a few short months and the country can begin to moan about water shortages and the terrible heat!

“When the game is over, the king and the pawn go into the same box”

“The hot sun melts the snows; when anger comes, wisdom goes” - Hindi Proverb

"I'm so hard to handle
I'm selfish and I'm sad
Now I've gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had"

There's nothing so stereotypically English as talking about the weather, and on the scale of banality, talking about the weather must rate pretty highly too.
Nevertheless I am going to.

It seems that winter is upon us. Not the winters of late when all that happened was a bit of frost , and it got bloody freezing, no the winters of our idyllically recalled childhood (which in reality were beset by shortage, poverty, boredom and power cuts, but at least we had The Morecambe and Wise Christmas Show to look forward too eh?).
It's been snowing (what you hadn't noticed?) and then snowing some more. For me at least this hasn't been much of a problem. I live around half a mile from my place of work. I did have a nasty fall last winter and hurt my arm (remember it was the other one, not the one with the frozen shoulder, and I couldn't use either for a few days, oh how we laughed). This left me with a deep distrust of ice, snow I can happily plow through, but the ice brings out the old codger in me and you can spot me daintily shuffling up the road to work - silly old fool!

I do like the way that the snow makes the familiar look new and interesting. I know it can be treacherous, but the familiar old sites of that place I call home can actually look quite pretty with a fresh sprinkling (don't worry I'm still riddled with regret and angst, that looked a little optimistic, and let me assure you, that is not how I feel).

People (lots of them) complain about the lack of snowplows and gritting, but the truth is that we are actually a temperate country, so millions spent on specialist equipment, would leave them more often than not sitting doing nothing. No doubt there would then be another outcry about that!
I wish there were less outcries knocking about. There are many many things wrong with the world, but the relevant ones seem to be sidelined (or supported by often misguided nutcases). I'm not a political animal, so mini rant over.

I've effectively given up with Facebook, although I'm not going to delete my account, it may come in useful now and again.

My highlight of the week (apart from finally finishing that six day stretch at work) was the new 'series' (all three episodes, count 'em) of 'Wallander'. As I think I said last year (I did, I just checked), there is something about the divorced, middle aged loner with one daughter and balancing on the edge of depression that I identify with strongly (go figure). But the tone and look of the show is perfect. The details of the story are almost unimportant, but the unrelenting negativity and dourness is strangely compelling and uplifting (plus Southern Sweden STILL looks fabulous). I only wish I'd seen it in hi-def.

(that was an uncharacteristically upbeat end wasn't it, I haven't even had a drink)

I had a dream last night, I'll tell you about is sometime (probably when drunk) . Here's a clue, well actually do you really need one?

(combining two of my favourites, 'The Beastie Boys' and 'Diabolik!')

“We build statues out of snow, and weep to see them melt” - Sir Walter Scott

“"All alone! Whether you like it or not, alone is something you'll be quite a lot"”

"You're still here? It's over. Go home. Go."

I went to bed early last night, well before midnight (I remind you again that is not typical Billy behaviour). I wasn't tired, well not really. In all honesty, I simply couldn't bear the thought of listening to those chimes ringing yet again all on my own. To this end I pulled up the covers and turned up the Cd to mask the sounds from the street, and eventually fell asleep.

New Years day at work was quiet, the quietest it's been over the course of the holidays. I took down the tree, the one on the ward at least, as I didn't bother with any decorations this year (or is that now last year ?) , what would have been the point ?
The excitement of an early finish and getting away from work always surprises me in retrospect, for when I arrive home I cannot recall what I was looking forward too in the first place, if you see what I mean? (I'm a little confused myself).
Sadly still another four days before my days off. I've only worked two and I'm already feeling wretched! Ho hum.

If I were to make a resolution (and I'm not, I know how weak willed I am) it would be to look for some fun in the next year. I would love to post something upbeat and amusing, but nothing like that seems to happen to me (chicken and egg?). Another one would be to exercise and eat more healthily, but so I expect writes half the western world.

In a rare moment of complete sincerity, I want all of you (but especially me) to find something good in 2010. While wishes can't make us rich, maybe effort can make good things happen. Maybe in 12 months time I might have something funny and uplifting to report (my little inner pessimist whispers "fat chance") , surprises do happen , don't they?

finally, an aside to Andrea as I know you occasionally stop by here. You seem to have vanished from Facebook, I went to reply to your message and simply cannot find you!
My initial selfish paranoia assumed it was to avoid me, but a little logic reminds me you could have simply ignored my first message, which would, after all, have been completely reasonable.

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.” - Dr Seuss