“You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future”

"Do my dreaming and my scheming,
Lie awake and pray,
Do my crying and my sighing,
Laugh at yesterday"


Time Marches On...
The further I go , the more backwards I become. I always suspected I lacked only two things that stopped me from achieving greatness, namely ambition and ability.
Is it possible for a standstill to grind in reverse? Enough musing, what's been happening? Precisely nothing.
That great British obsession, the weather, has surprised me recently. After what seemed like the wettest and most miserable August that I can remember, the past few days were delightfully balmy. Shame I was effectively locked in a hospital.
Next week I have an MOT to look forward too (whoop and indeed de whoo!) which my eternally pessimistic self assumes will cost a fortune, and the following week I have a surprise sickness interview at work (I had two days off in march with nausea and vomiting!)this seems a little draconian to poor me, but at least it gives me something to fret over.
This week I've added two (count 'em) minor ailments to the pantheon that middle age has lavished upon me. I really must get myself a GP, might come in handy one day...

“Time heals what reason cannot” - Seneca

"Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow"

"Reflected in the water,
When all the rainy pavement
Lead to you,
It's over now,
I know it's over,
But I can't let go."

A brief return - a week ! A WEEK! I'd like to tell you the story of that week, I'd like to but there is simply no story to tell.
All work and no play makes Billy a dull boy, a dull, dull, dull boy!

I haven't seen my daughter for 10 days, I've had virtually no contact with adult company, for like EVER! I think I'm going slightly mad (thanks Freddy). I continue to dwell, dwell, dwell on times past, but what's new?

I watched the (frankly fantastic) end of "Slings and Arrows" which immediately jumps into my Canadian top 3 TV Shows (does Battlestar Galactica count? it is made in Vancouver!)

Belated 42nd birthday to Shirley Manson,
my mind was on other things...
to sleep, perchance to dream
(speaking of which I've had some very vivid dreams lately, which all seem to end up as nightmares...)

I'm off to bed, maybe I might even get some sleep tonight.

(later edit - er ... those last two sentences seem to contradict each other, whilst I am getting some sleep. it sometimes ends in a bad dream, I'm still not back to full blown insomnia, but it's all seeming VERY familiar - bye bye!)

"By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes . . ." (come on you know this!)

“On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good and not quite all the time”

"Take me for a trip upon your magic swirling ship, And my senses have been stripped
And my hands can't feel to grip
And my toes too numb to step."


Oh I am so so drunk. I felt so desolate tonight, that well, I consumed an whole bottle of Chilean red ( and speaking of Chili , why are you sad?) plus a glass (or two) of Jim Beam ( and it's bittersweet associations to boot!)

The day itself was , as always, unremarkable, save an impromptu trip to IKEA (again, associations!) for CD storage (my how they have been piling up).

I want to rant, but even in my current state of deep, deep intoxication something stops me from being totally, completely honest and open. Let's just say that I am far from happy, and close to madness.

Speaking of Madness, I have now watched the first two seasons of "Slings and Arrows" and apart from the fact that I will probably never meet anyone who has HEARD of this show, never mind SEEN it, I cannot recommend it enough. It is in equal parts, Due South, Northern Exposure, and Extras, and like "MacArthur Park" I don't want to eat that last slice, for I shall never have the recipe again ( Canada is a wonderful place) - er that means I'm putting off watching the third and final season, as there is.. no more.
The drunken waffling end here...

“I'm fat, but I'm thin inside... there's a thin man inside every fat man.” - George Orwell

"If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower."

"I know I need a small vacation.
But it don't look like rain.
And if it snows that stretch down south,
won't ever stand the strain."

Well what have I been up to? I piqued your curiosity didn't I? Well sorry I've been up to exactly nothing, surprised ? Thought not.
My daughter did stay over last night and that's always a pleasure, but now she's off to her Grandmothers in Bristol for a week, oh well.
I'd forgotten how much night shift screws up your body rhythms, or maybe it's just middle age , but my sleep is all over the place. I don't mean I'm sleeping in various locations, by the way, just unpredictably. Oh you know what I mean.
It feels very lonely here tonight...

"I didn’t go to college but if I did I would’ve taken all my tests at a restaurant 'cause “The customer’s always right." - Mitch Hedburg

“Music that gentler on the spirit lies- Than tired eyelids upon tired eyes”

"I've been waiting for a guide to come
and take me by the hand
Could these sensations make me feel
the pleasures of a normal man"

Well that's done, for now, although I'm back on night shift in only six weeks damn it! I've spent today in the semi daze, can't quite concentrate state that the end of night shift always brings (at least for me). This is mainly due to the fact I don't go to sleep on the last day, but try and carry on as normal. Whilst this may work when you are young, I think my aged body may have to revise this practice next time.

I had to pay £11 customs charges for a DVD today! due to fluctuating exchange rates the declared value was a couple of dollars over the limit - damn it! (er again) By the way the package was the Canadian TV show "Slings and Arrows", starring Paul Gross, of "Due South" fame. I've watched the first three episodes and it looks very promising.

My Daughter Billie is staying over tomorrow (yay!), I haven't seen her for about 8 days, blimey!

"Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow" - Steven Wright

...and one more thing

I stumbled across this and wanted to post it straight away. I'll probably delete this post and incorporate the clip into my next exciting post, or not.

“Come, woo me, woo me; for now I am in a holiday humor, and like enough to consent”

"Here's a man, his own tragic mirror
capable of such crimes he is scared
to look at himself too long at a time."

What am I doing here? No not another existential crisis (well not this time), I was supposed to be at work tonight, but I unexpectedly got the chance for a holiday, and in an hardly surprising move, took that opportunity and ran...

Last night didn't quite turn out as I'd expected (solo wine and a movie I mean) I was so tired from the previous 5 nights at work, that I fell asleep in front of the computer (now that hasn't happened in a long time!). Best laid plans eh? Squeak squeak.

My Dad was unwell today. I know we don't get on, and I don't even think he likes me, but I was really worried when I found out. He is 77, and won't be around for ever. I've tried to make inroads, but we are so different, it usually ends up in an argument, so silence is more the norm. Ho hum.

I watched "Elephant" tonight, it's been sitting on my shelf a long time, and I only picked it up because of it's short running time. It offers no answers (to school shootings that is) but it's a powerful piece. It has so much "space", it's like peering into a real world for 80 minutes. There is no set up as such, no heroes, no conflict to be resolved, no three acts. Things just "happen". Try and catch it on FilmFour sometime (I imagine it's the type of thing they show - I can't remember the last time I watched an actual broadcast show - Doctor Who I suppose...)

Oh well that's it then.

(Maybe someone will actually leave a comment here! I've had a boatload of visitors recently, but who are they...?)

“Don't celebrate a holiday before it arrives”

“The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.”

"Well since she put me down I 've been out doin' in my head

I come in late at night and in the mornin' I just lay in bed"

My night off has arrived- Hurrah!
The last six days or so are a bit of an half remembered haze. Sleep , work, sleep, and finally a night off. I'm back tomorrow sadly. There is something about being in an Hospital, usually such a busy place, in the early hours , that quite takes one out of reality. Dealings with patients are more a series of vignettes than the day time version, and they either come in the calm, "thanks for the morphine" type or the flailing limbs " where the F@*$" is my morphine" variety. We are an admissions ward, but I still resent asking "how many times a day do you open your bowels?" at 4am, to a person in obvious pain. I haven't been sleeping well at all, only managing about four or five hours an afternoon. You never notice how busy a street is, until you are trying to sleep at 11am (who knew so many ice cream trucks stopped outside my house?).

Luckily I have been working with some of my lovely Filipino colleagues, who help an old duffer like me get through the long dark nights. And I really have been feeling old recently, as I think I've mentioned about a hundred times or so.
Although I still don't think that three nurses are enough to cope on a 24 hour admissions unit for the whole night.

In more superfluous news, I've really been enjoying a new TV show called "The Middleman". Sadly it looks like it will be cancelled after twelve episodes (Journeyman anyone?). I like the "Buffyesque" dialog and the (intentionally) ludicrous plots. Plus it's another quality product of Vancouver, which turns out some of the best TV shows in the world (and people too!).

What to do with one night off then? Yes of course, Wine, self recrimination and a cheesy DVD.
(my Brother Frank fell asleep during "The Dark Knight", how could he?...)

“A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.” - Oscar Wilde

“However long the night, the dawn will break.”

"Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day"

Well here it is! The day I dreaded (well the latest one at least - I seem to be regularly dreading something) - I start night shift in about three hours. I cannot adequately express how much I detest it, but it's a requirement (apparently).
It's not the staying up all night I dislike, by the way, I used to do that all the time when I had insomnia. No it's the way it dominates everything - sleep, food, work, sleep and so on, and so on.
I never know how to prepare for it, do I have a late night before and a lie in? or a nap before I go to work? Who knows, and frankly who cares. All I know is that I may as well switch off my conscious mind, and switch it back on next Friday morning. If only I could!

My Daughter rang me after getting back from her London trip last night. She said it was merely "okay" and she's in no hurry to return, much as I said about myself last week. At least she got to go as a child, I suppose, my Parents never went anywhere!

I'm off to shower, iron a uniform, pack a lunch (damn! - I forgot to buy anything) - and mope for an hour or two.

“Night brings our troubles to the light, rather than banishes them.” - Seneca

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.” - Mark Twain

"When you're young you find inspiration
In anyone who's ever gone
And opened up a closing door"



I've just watched a DVD (whoop-de and indeed whoo!). I have far too many, and sometimes I take so long trying to decide, I often give up and go and look at the Internet for another few hours. I've been buying DVDs since 1998, my first player was $400 from Sears in the Florida Mall in Orlando. I must have a couple of thousand now.


Anyhow to drag myself back on (intended) topic - I watched "The Incredible Shrinking Man".
Now don't laugh, your initial response may be to dismiss it as a cheap throwaway 50's B movie, but it isn't. Over 50 years old now, it's aged remarkably well. The special effects are great, acting solid, and while the concept may sound a little cheesy, the story is engrossing, a little creepy, and ultimately quite moving.
Of course the discerning amongst you might think that the story of a Man who gradually disappears (literally and figuratively) from the view of society and family, ultimately struggling to survive, trapped in his once comfortable home, may have more than a little resonance for your Author ! - well you know what you can do with your well observed comparisons don't you?

“You take the lies out of him, and he'll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he'll disappear” - Mark Twain

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” - Abraham Lincoln

"Strawberries cherries and an angel's kiss in spring
My summer wine is really made from all these things"

What am I going to do with myself? (in this instance I mean the short term, since Billie is away, not in a greater existential sense). We all know how this will turn out (and I don't mean badly, more likely ,er... in a less than remarkable way). What sort of noise suggests unrelenting boredom? Hmmmph!

(It's the next day - I never quite finished that post) Yes I've just wasted my days off, as predicted, I sit here slightly intoxicated, with one more day before I begin my night shift - dread, dread, dread. It (nearly) always amuses me to read back these alcohol inspired posts, although to be honest this one isn't really doing a lot for me! Alcohol, these days, just seems to make me tired rather than lifting my spirits (I know its technically a depressant), probably guilt I suppose!

“I have ever since seemed to myself broken off from mankind; a kind of solitary wanderer in the wild of life, without any direction, or fixed point of view: a gloomy gazer on the world to which I have little relation” - Samuel Johnson

“Never keep up with Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper.”

"With your new shoes and your black moods
You really break my heart"

Let the random outpourings begin...
I start my night shift next week (and you know how much I hate night shift don't you?), plus through a series of unlucky coincidences I won't see my daughter Billie, for around two weeks. She's actually off to London for a few days next week, for her first visit. I haven't been since I lived there back in the eighties, and I never really had even the slightest inkling to return.

My mood's no better I'm afraid. Some days are better than others, but today I feel so tired. so pointless and so very very old. It's not a midlife crisis, I had that years ago, it's more the dawn of realisation!

I've been listening to so much music the past week or two. I usually spend a LOT of time listening , but that was too much!( TV has bored me recently, maybe I overloaded on "Due South", watching the first two seasons in about a week and a half!).

Nothing effects the mood more than music, well maybe wine, women and song. Funny how our tastes change as we age. When I was younger , I would have dismissed some of my current favourites as old fashioned, but quality lasts. I've always favoured the female voice, and at the moment I'm particularly fond of Joni Mitchell (especially the Travelogue and Both Sides now albums, I love the orchestra) and Tori Amos. I bought Tori Amos' first album on release, but only recently caught up with her back catalogue.
Of course my favourite female artist is Sandie Shaw (you thought I was going to say Shirley Manson , didn't you?) - Anyhow, I've no point to make and I'm "tangenting" like a crazy man - I'm off.

“Midlife — when you decide not to kill yourself because you realize you are going to die anyway.”