good day sunshine (apart from the rain etc....)

Well did I wake up a new man? Sort off. First I had an amazing sleep! Two in a week! I only got up at 11.30am (unexpected day off following my holiday "negotiations" yesterday ha!) I feel OK, but there's still a hint of doom in my stomach! (I seem to be getting a cold so maybe that's part of it) What should I do with this time off? Well I have to pick up my daughter in a couple of hours so effectively the day off is gone - but so what , lovely lie in versus bed baths, gaping cavities called surgical wounds, constantly confrontational relatives, and a never ending stream of pain.
So I may watch an uplifting movie or listen to some up-tempo music to reboot my pysche (I'm rambling)

I've got a feeling...

Just a quick note before I go to bed. Remember that feeling of dread? well I still can't shake it. Only one slight disaster at work, so that wasn't it. It's like a knot in my stomach. I don't feel depressed as such , just a cross between worried, apprehensive and doomed! hopefully I'll wake up tomorrow a new man! (hopefully one ten years younger, with a better job and less paranoia !!!)


"you're a big man but you're out of shape!"

I Don't Want To Spoil The Party

Well I think I'm going to have an early night!(!!!) I've just been killing time tonight anyway, I couldn't enjoy any of my usual outlets, music , movies and scribbling. I've just been performing an imitation of my usual evening.

I've had a tangible sense of dread hanging over me all day. I feel that something very bad is on the way, I can't tell you what, I really don't know!

Of course it could just be my long shift tomorrow, tuesdays are a notoriously busy day where I work for some reason! but I don't think that's it.

Oh dear, I've just remembered - I have to plead with my boss for some holiday ( actually that may have contributed to my feeling of doom - my pessimistic side is convinced she'll say no!!).

Either way expect a gloomy confirmation , or an ecstatic surprise this time tomorrow!

Dig my poncy hat! - Time for bed.

Fixing a hole (part 2)

I'm not a domestic animal.

No, no I know I'm not a cat, I mean when it comes to the day to day running of a life, I'm rubbish. For instance, I'm sure I could get a better mortgage deal, but the thought of seeking advice and form filling fills me with dread!! If I could do it easily and anonymously online , hey no problem !

Anyway I finally got around to sorting out some roof damage (that happened at NEW YEAR!! - slowcoach) and I am now filled with a vague sense of achievement! Nice !

Strangely the nature of my job involves a constant stream of problem solving (occasionally life or death!), so how come real life flummoxes me?? go figure!

Now I'm off to get some boiler insurance (the life of the gentleman adventurer eh? so romantic and exciting!!)

(As an aside whilst on hold they were playing some goddamn awful muzak version of r.e.s.p.e.c.t. the Otis / Aretha classic . Why couldn't they just play the original? I know it must be more expensive or something, but I wanted to stick my hand down the line and smash up their corporate tape machine , as a blow for music lovers everywhere!! but hey, at least it wasn't bloody Greensleeves!)

Day Tripper

Oh my goodness I was very drunk last night! Being drunk with someone else is fun, but trying to hold a conversation when one of the speakers is sober, oh It's so tricky! Something that under the effects of alcohol can seem hilarious, can seem dull or offensive to the sober man (and woman!).

I'm going on a trip soon!!! (I don't go anywhere since I became a penniless divorcee - ha ha, so to you this might seem quite dull , best go and read for a while) and I am very very excited .

Just thought you'd like to know. Byeee!

in vino veritas

Well let me start by saying I am drunk. Yes I have drunk a lot of alcohol tonight, more than I would usually drink. But I'm also drunk on emotion . I feel I can be a little more honest with you than usual. well tonight anyway. I've drunk a lot tonight, and I just finished watching , the Shawshank Redemption. Boy did that film resonate!! At the end I cried and cried and cried!! Was it the movie or the alcohol, .... both. Plus the resonance.... That movie was so .... so damn human ....!!! We all need others...family and friends, anyone that says otherwise is a fool !!! Oh Dear I am giddy ! what was I saying ? apart from being a damn fine movie "Shawshank" is a real reminder of whats important... people , and freedom. Damn I'm losing my thread, alcohol can make you feel more, but it does nothing for memory , grammar and ... lucidity! Tommorow this will read like the ramblings of a madman .... tonight it seems like the truth!
We all need to love and be loved.
Goodnight!



( gee I know todays title isn't a song title ! so sue me... )

(btw I stole that picture from another blog.. but it's damn fine isn't it... hic!!!)

(LOL)

Those were the days my friend...

I've bought a lot of DVDs this week (it's payday woo-hoo). It made me think, films are presented to us in shiny digital, wide screen, multi-channel surround sound. They are often better presented than they were in the cinemas , what with re-mastering and such. Yet many of these films I last saw on a tiny portable, cropped and in mono, or even on a black and white set (animal house!). Rather like tinny little medium wave radios on which I heard some of my favourite pop songs as a kid. What I'm trying to say is that whatever the medium , quality will out. See ya!


(btw this picture has nothing to do with the post, I just love this movie - Stephen Dorff will never do anything better)

Golden Slumbers

Jeezy Creezy on a bike! I went to bed at about 2.30am . I listened to a CD as usual, but next thing I know its midday the next day! (phew just in time to send out those positive vibes I promised) That's the longest sleep I can remember having for... well a bloody long time!! The only thing is I feel dreadful!! , maybe my body is accustomed to just a few hours of unconsciousness! Where's the paracetamol?

(I think I'll rename this blog -
"The Billy Sleep Journal" !!)

Helter Skelter

Well while I am still conscious, here goes. I had a truly wonderful conversation earlier today, the details are unimportant here. The funny part is I found myself still chatting at 5am only two hours before I was due to get up! That can't be good can it?

My New New Years resolution (being upbeat didn't last long ) is to at least try and sleep now and again, but the one good thing about insomnia , is you reallise there are so many great ways to waste your time!!!

...and our friends are all aboard

Hey, I wonder what'll happen if I pull this lever?

Oh, you mustn't do that now!

Can't help it. I'm a born "Lever-pooler."

get well soon friend!

Winter Wonderland

I was going to post at about 4am, but I fell into a sort of semi sleep semi trance. I woke up absolutely freezing, I peeked outside and the world was covered in snow!
Here's an amusing picture of a pink and bloated me, trying to disguise my huge cold sore with E45 cream!!

All Revved Up With No Place To Go

I'm rather late in tonight from a very very busy shift.
This Nursing lark is a funny old game. Sometimes it can be the sweetest job in the world, and at others it feel like we're stoking the very fires of Hell itself ! (ooo-er). Can you guess which type of shift I've had?
We had about 16 admissions in 8 hours, which might not sound an awful lot but the paperwork is stifling, plus we gotta find somewhere to shift the existing patients too. Combined with staff sickness , whether real or bogus (!) and you get my crappy mood.
Well I'm off tomorrow , so that can mean only one thing! Crack open the red wine! on with the headphones!
What I need is someone to moan and laugh with, in that order!!

He blew his mind out in a car

Overheard in MusicZone today:

Ned 1 picks up DVD box set, says to Ned 2,
" look they've made a TV show out of that Tom Cruise film, Mission Impossible"
Blimey the youth of today eh? when I was young it was all fields round here etc etc.

Personalised number plates.
Are the owners very forgetful?
Can't remember which BMW or Range Rover belongs to them?
Don't you just love the way that numbers and letters are bent, twisted and distorted to make some random letters look like a frankly crap approximation of some other letters? Not to mention the judicious use of bolts to further enhance the illusion. Just how insecure are these people? If I had a few grand o spare, I would probably waste it on some piece of consumerism or the other, I'm no Saint. However spending good money on a few plastic letters, that essentially only function to alert others that the driver is a materialistic self centred money wasting showoff scumbag, now that is my new definition of pointless!

Rock and Roll Music

Hello there.
I've finally been getting around to filling my iPod (that's not a euphemism by the way). It's been really tricky deciding what to leave out! There just isn't enough room for all my Al Green albums and all my Tom Waits too! The best thing about the ipod is, I think, juxtaposition. I really think that placing two unrelated songs next to each other can bring out something totally unexpected in both of them (for example any Tarantino Soundtrack). Thank the heavens for the shuffle feature!
It must be very satisfying to dabble with DJ'ing (is that even a word?) I like to think I have good musical taste , but to see the physical evidence in the form a full dance floor must be sublime.
Remember the Rob character in High Fidelity ? well despite his hang ups, that's a life to envy, DJ , love life crises, a quick and cutting wit and a record shop to pass the time of day in. (I always suspected that if I had a shop of any kind however, that my natural hoarding instinct would prevent me from selling anything at all!) - plus it would be great to belittle members of the public!! (especially as my real job means I have to grin and bear it !!)

Dream A Little Dream Of Me

Well I couldn't leave it like that could I ?
Now by special request a new entry !
But what can the man who does nothing have to say?
It's like someone asking you tell a joke ( or embarrassing story!), you dry up ! Well I would.


Oh! - sad to see Denny Doherty of the Mamas and Papas has died. The sixties really were a long time ago weren't they, and slowly all the icons are passing one by one. Of course there'll always be a legacy of great great music. The Mamas and Papas songs are like the aural equivalent of a summers day or a crushing hug from the person you love most. They can reassure and sadden, but ultimately they can make you feel real real good !!!

Untitled

I feel wretched.

Caverne Française ?

On reflection that last picture had a whiff of bitterness, So here's another (it's about 5 minutes later) .

It appears to be about 20 young Frenchmen and Three Women having late 50's fun with Jazz in a cellar - go figure! ( although there's not a lot of happy faces around)

(Click for a much bigger version.)

Every Little Thing

Evening. My daughter got back from her Florida holiday last Sunday and today was the first chance she had to collect her hamster (Lightning!). She told me not to worry if he died whilst she was away, I don't think she was disappointed to find him still alive though! Whilst this may be a charming little anecdote, my real point is that I'll miss him. Sure he wasn't a great conversationalist, and he was even more nocturnal than me, but just having that little scrap of life about was comforting. Living on your own might have some advantages but it can get very lonely (Duh! - really?).

Oh and I finally reached 10,000 tracks on Last.FM today, that's nice.

The British Invasion

Strange, it's still morning and here I am posting! ( but as I recently said in a gremlins related exchange - this could be considered really really late Tuesday). Actually getting back to that same conversation, do you think modern life is causing language to disappear? What? that was badly phrased. Texting, instant messaging, e-mail and so on, I know language must evolve , but maybe things are going a little too fast. I used to love write letters, the ritual of sitting down (with an actual pen!) composing a letter with words and sentences, and then having to physically go off and post the thing! Don't get me wrong, I'm not against change, and I embrace technology, but maybe things are a little too instant these days.
Remember the excitement at getting a written letter from a loved one? the delight of a valentines card with a hand written message? Maybe I'm just getting old. I worry , I worry about the erosion of language, the loss of vocabulary ( I'm all for new words from other cultures by the way) and the general dumbing down of youth.
I know I bang on about this, but the level of general knowledge is terrible today, I recently had a conversation about World War 2 , and my colleague wasn't even aware of the basics, even the where and when (you think there'd be a clue in the name!). And Franz Ferdinand is a Scottish band, not the trigger for The Great War ! - Dammit I'm in full grumpy old man mode now!

C U L8R ! ( where can I get some of those trousers?)

We've Arrived (And To Prove It We're Here)

Happy 50th Birthday to the Cavern Club, as you know I'm a big fan of their most famous performers - The Rutles !







(OK I cheated with the title - it's a Rutles song)

The Continuing Story Of Bungalow Bill

I know I know, hardly original, but I really like that dour little drawing of myself - It might just have become my new avatar - but a drawing usually suggests you're trying to hide something !


no doubt back later with more hilarity!

Nowhere Man

I just had to capture the moment !

You know I'm glad that no one reads this blog but me. It's going to be amusing to look back on these pages one day and remember what a selfish and miserable bastard I was in the past ! This face captures my childish pout because someone didn't have the time to speak to me online. Now this someone means a lot to me, but not I or anyone should be able to dictate the actions of others!

I mean look at that face! big baby!

Back to my sleep fixation , an hour ago I was tired, cruelly I'm now WIDE AWAKE!

The Doors of Perception / Drive my car !

Have you ever had a relative or acquaintance buy a new car, and then suddenly the roads are full of them? My friend Claire, although geographically distant, has a Black Ford Ka, and since I found out this fact, I seem to be surrounded by them, I passed two parked on my brief trip home from work tonight. It's all about perception I suppose, the same instinct that allows a parent to hear a crying child at 4am, but ignore a police car siren whizzing by. It's also the effect that makes our days off, however boring, zip by , and work days last forever. Sadly this means that the most pleasurable times of our lives, are perceived as the shortest - Sad! (although thinking back all those years to my wedding perhaps not so sad - well it seemed happy at the time!)
Remember kids - just say no (to proposals at least)

Something...

Another "day in the life" comes to an end, no surprises, no excitement - ho hum. (Speaking of a day in the life , I wonder if it's time to knock the Beatles titles on the head? What am I saying of course not! - though there isn't an infinite supply))
Work tomorrow , so at this relatively early time (2.30am) it's time at least to try and sleep! It's several weeks since this last batch of severe insomnia kicked in (it comes and goes in degrees of severity), although usually it's gone by now. Combined with SAD and the precarious state of my upper storey (both mine and the house - ha!) my noisy neighbours, my tinnitus and my general mood who knows when it'll go ! ( I'm smiling as I say this - underneath my dour exterior is an optimistic core - I think).
Hang on what was the point of this entry? I've really forgotten, all I seem to go on about is the rubbish state of the modern world, red wine, music, DVDs and insomnia, so it's a safe bet it was one of those (no wine today however).
Good News !My beloved daughter returns from Florida later today, though logistics mean I won't see her until Tuesday - So that's something to look forward to!

See you soon for more fun!

I'm only sleeping...

When I woke up this morning I felt good, great in fact. No I haven't gone crazy, it was just the lingering effects of one of those damn dreams. One of those dreams that contain strong emotion, either good or bad. You wake up and even if you cannot remember the content, the feeling stays with you , often all day. This can be good (like I feel know) or bad (NIGHTMARES!). The sad thing about how I feel is the realisation that it was only a dream , and as the warm glow fades, it's replaced with disappointment. (oh Mr.Cheerful). I just want to crawl back inside that dream, and pull it over me like a lovely quilt.
By the way it was not pornographic in anyway (nothing wrong with that) but it did include a graphic cuddle!

Jesus died for you John Lennon!

Back again so soon? I've just watched an excellent documentary about the Touring days of The Beatles (BBC2 Timewatch). Now I love The Beatles, but it is difficult to find anything fresh or unsaid, however this documentary had both.
Another thing that bores me is the "talking heads" style of show, where the same old faces are dragged out to repeat their oft told tales. However although there were some familiar faces here, it impressed me how everyone concerned had turned into groovy old geezers,they all had an air of youthfulness about them, at least that's the vibe I picked up on.
Anyone that knows me knows of my love for San Francisco, The 1960's and the Beatles, and one of my favourite fantasy time machine destinations was always that final Candlestick Park Gig - to the Delorean! (even though they didn't enjoy it)
I actually could feel John Lennon's weariness at having to explain his "more popular than Jesus" remark one more time - I think there's a whole show to be made about this itself.
Above all this documentary revealed the Beatles as four ordinary Scouse lads who were blessed with talent but still had the good sense to stay in touch with "reality", give me the grace and good natured humour of George Harrison over any of today's so called "stars" - I'm off to listen to the White Album

(by the way the title is a quote from the show - not me being controversial)

Money (thats what I want)

Oh Dear interest rates up again!
I don't do much outside of the house, I walk to work, don't smoke, and only drink at home (I sound a bit suspicious on paper!) and can just about manage. I don't have a mobile phone, or even satellite TV. How can ordinary people with these vices cope?
Yet I still see affluence everywhere too. Or at least the appearances of it. Ridiculously expensive cars (I detest 4x4's - not just for their fuel guzzling, but they represent the attitudes of the owners - they want to be raised up over the average Joe, and not only physically but socially - and how often do they use the off road function? ha), anyway what was I saying? House prices are so inflated that I could never afford to leave my post divorce hovel ( I think that's how the estate agent described it, I was a little depressed at the time!) and unless your 10 year old has the latest phone and the right labels they are snubbed by their peers ( the same doesn't apply to anonymous 40 year olds thankfully) - Was it always so? or is this a 21st century phenomena.

full rant mode disengaged, I only meant to mention the rate rise.
Good Luck fellow mortgage slaves!

Good Day Sunshine!

Well I didn't die during the night! It just feels that way ! I must have lay awake till at least 4am, due to my loose guttering banging in the wind, and my usual nocturnal woes and worries, now its 6.30am and cruelly - I'm so tired! - off to work (before sunrise!)

Things we said today...

Look! can I be honest with you?
It's only 10 minutes after my last post but those last two posts were so relentlessly gloomy I wanted to go to bed on a cheerful note ( imagine if I die in my sleep - what miserable last words!) so here's a picture that is just so cool - it makes me smile ( oh to be a slim super criminal with an e-type and a beautiful girl - if only she was a redhead! )
nighty night!

Fixing a hole...

I want to say something funny , laugh out loud insightful, but I can't. I've just been chatting to my friend Claire on MSN and to be honest I think I sent her too sleep. I'm getting annoyed with myself, I'm lonely, and directionless, I waste all my free time and have terrible eating and sleeping habits, but enough of my good points!

Note to self - cheer up , there are happy people in the world , you can be one of them.

And Claire if you read this sorry for being a miserable bore, I'm gonna have to dig deep to get outta this hole (now thats a crazy mixed metaphor!!) ... 'til next time!

(now why did I pick this cheery pic?)

Do You Want To Know A Secret?

You may remember my "sort of" resolution to be more upbeat and positive? You may remember a recent entry when I experienced a warm fuzziness whilst walking to work? well I think I'm losing it - no not my mind ! my brief flirtation with positivity! its fading, and fast. It's 2am, I'm wide awake, and I have the sure and certain knowledge that tomorrow will be just like today and the day before that. Damn I'm a miserable bastard - I'm annoying myself now.

(thinks) I did see "The Passion of The Christ" today, and far from the anti-semitic, preachathon I expected , I found a Moving and well crafted piece of Art. Well Done Mr Gibson!

(ps sorry for going all monosylabic! - I'm a big baby!)

'Bigger Than Rod'

Hello! You know I felt quite upbeat today! - What could that be all about?
Walking to work today was superficially what seems to be the usual Saturday /Sunday morning experience, passing the Pizza shop / Off license / Indian Takeaway, whilst nimbly avoiding the detritus of the night before - usually half eaten kebabs and Jackson Pollack Style arrangements of Vomit. Somehow today it didn't seem too bad , the freezing cold, the dark, the anonymous shuttered shops, the lonely grey streets, and ultimately the monolithic faceless Hospital itself (why do all hospital appear as homogeneous slabs theses days - modern architecture is 99% rubbish!). However this brief fumble with optimism was severely tested by the usual array of post New Years Drunks, endless variations on abdominal pain, and seemingly endless constipation ( yes the patients) . But as I sit here sipping the inevitable glass of red wine, things don't seem all that bad - What disaster has fate in store for me??

(and yes I drink tea!)

All together now...

This entry is simply an excuse to show this picture of Gizmo and a Curly Wurly. you know how it goes :
All together now "they were bigger when I was a kid!" - yawn.

See you later

Flew in from Miami Beach BOAC...

...Didn’t get to bed last night.
I look terrible! No I mean today - not always! (but...) well some fluids , an hour on my mothers settee, and some paracetamol have just about revived me - just. Listen kids don't do what I do , just what I say - get some sleep!!!

Glass Onion!

It's 6.30 am I feel like I have to say something.

But I am speechless -

no gripes no groans,

no digs no moans.

how about a pretty picture instead?

Dedicated follower of Fashion

Ok - this is more observation than moaning, thanks to recent advice I'm trying to stay positive and upbeat (it won't last). Young people huh! The more they try to be different the more they stay the same. The currently popular uniform , or one of them at least, is thus. For the ladies a jaunty baker boy hat, preferably knitted , at the most obtuse angle on the head. tight jeans with or without pirate style huge turn-ups. stiletto boots , and maybe a white parka , but it must expose the midriff (surely defeating the purpose of the parka) and have a huge white fur trim. Of course there are variations on a theme - the emo/goth/mod light influences are there for those that think they present an "alternative" face of youth ( don't ya just love striped knees length socks - no ones ever thought of that before eh?- exception of course Shirley Manson , who can do no wrong in my {rose coloured} eyes) and the ever so ironic Ramones/Blondie/Clash/Stones t-shirts (which make saddo old geezers like myself look wierd if we own such an item - do ya think in 30 years they'll be wearing Artic Monkey or Fall out boy shirts? - no neither do I)
Hang on you say! whats the groovy young fella wearing these days, Italian influenced single breasted suits with a hint of the Edwardian , and winkle picker Chelsea boots (I wish - that's me aged 18!!) no he cannot be seen about town without sportswear! and lots of it!! plus the regulation baseball cap , tipped back on the head at a jaunty and intimidating angle. At least girls are a little interesting , the male youth of today is monosyllabic, boorish and knows naught of current affairs, history, and don't get me started on pop culture - a guy I work with asked me who Andy Warhol was the other day!!! - I ask you!!

Perfect old geezer signing off.

Working class hero

well today was one of those days. nigh on 14 hours of non stop admissions to the ward and non stop disgruntled relatives. The kind of day where you crawl home afterwards and fall asleep as soon as you sit down! (which is why I'm bright and breezy at 1.30am!)
To add to the fun whilst transferring a patient to CCU I dropped an oxygen cylinder on my foot and so spent the rest of the shift like 'Verbal' Kint (look it up)

Hello Goodbye

I suppose it has to be said - Happy New Year (reluctant smile), no matter how much I tell myself that the year is just the time it takes to orbit nothing more, a lifetime also tells me that it's the possibility of renewal and second chances!

before I get TOO serious , goodnight! long shift tomorrow.




(By the way this picture has nothing to do with anything)