“Bad is called good when worse happens” - Norwegian Proverb

"You,

Came into my life,

It was sunshine everywhere,
You were outta sight"

I had a days holiday this week. When combined with my generous three days off that was a pleasant four day break. Well pleasant if you aren't a miserable old misanthrope.
I did get to spend an evening with Billie. We went to IKEA, made a purchase, (cd storage - they are taking over, I've bought about 500 in the past year) had meatballs, then came home. She watched 'Britain's got talent' while I made a point of not being in the room. I simply cannot bring myself to watch such 'stuff' (really is it entertainment or a 21st century version of the travelling freakshow). Actually I've only watched two broadcast TV shows this week , and that's all I ever watch (save DVDs of course). I cannot remember the last time I actually watched anything on ITV at all.
I only have a TV license because I HAVE too (although I do listen to a lot of BBC Radio).

Anyway I'm rambling.

Next morning Billie was up at 10.30, and I took her straight home (in her pyjamas), as she was meeting her pals at midday, and needed time to get ready (when I was 13 getting ready took about 75 seconds).
I may not have seen much of her but it really recharged my batteries, and I didn't feel quite so miserable the rest of the day. I'd planned a trip to Newcastle as it was payday, but of course I never (I make good intentions an art form) got there. I did however buy a new toaster, so the day wasn't a total waste (whilst this fact is true, the sentence is pure sarcasm).
Most of my days off I was struck immobile by that horrible empty pointlessness that has gripped me of late. I don't feel suicidal at all, but sometimes I really cannot see the point of living. I serve no useful function, save that of absent parent. (let's stop here eh?)


(Initially I'd intended to say something about Barbara in this post, but I am self censoring myself, partly because I know how pathetic it must seem now)

(I wish the well formed sentences, and salient points that occur to me whilst walking home from work would hang around a bit longer (in my head). all you get here are disjointed fragments and self pitying crap. Sorry about that, next time I'll try and put in a joke or two!)

Be seeing you...

“The lazier a man is, the more he plans to do tomorrow.” - another Norwegian Proverb

“I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it”

Again Billy is mightily miffed.
Just typical teenage shenanigans, but when you are as solitary and lonely as myself, you tend to get over dependent on the contacts you do have.
Billie was supposed to be spending the day with me, then sleeping over. Last night this was changed via a late phonecall to just the evening. She'd call me today with the details.
I finally gave up waiting for her to call at 5pm, and rang her instead. By a 'remarkable' coincidence she was 'just about' to ring me and tell me she wasn't coming at all. Spooky timing eh? (I hope you can detect the sarcasm)
And now for the first time in years she hasn't rang me to say goodnight , another coincidence? I do hope so. I'd rather have a forgetful child than an inconsiderate one (although I suspect I may end up with both).
Goodnight, at least from me...

“If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.” - Groucho Marx

"Get used to disappointment"

"Strawberries cherries and an angel's kiss in spring
My summer wine is really made from all these things"


It's been a while eh? What's happening, anything? everything? nothing?
Guess! (yes, you're absolutely right!)

Another rejection by my now teenage daughter. I was looking forward to seeing her tomorrow (it's half term, trivia fans) but it looks like another , pick up at ten, home by midday next day visit. I'm resigned to this now, Friends are more important when you are 13 than an emotionally dependent Dad.

Bank Holiday Monday was 14 hours of sheer Hell at work. I arrived at just after 7am, and crawled away at 9pm, after a very tragic Death (is there any other kind?), the chap that died was younger than my Dad - makes me think, a lot (I know I think a lot anyway but I'm doing approximately 37% more of it today.

I bought an orange trimphone, I have no real need for it, but hey! it's an orange trimphone! a no brainer surely?
In a rite de passage, I junked Billies 'groovy chick' bedding and curtains today and replaced them with a nice groovy abstract. If the significance escapes you, then I pity you.

Today I read a lot (the Princess Bride) watched a lot of TV (Croupier - Really like Clive Owen films!) and off course more Mod Squad - I really wish I had more than Season 1!

(I had some wine tonight , but sadly it doesn't seem to have much effect on me any more. Do I blame the paltry 12% alcohol content of Marks and Spencer red wine, or my general miserablism? You are the jury!

"Life is pain, Highness! Anyone who says differently is selling something." - Dread Pirate Roberts

“Oh, for God's sake . . . get a life, will you?”

"Riding on their armchairs,
They dream of wealth and fame,
Fear is their companion,
Nintendo is their game."

briefly,
Ongoing existential crisis - check.
But in other news ;

I went to the cinema (for the first time since the Dark Knight, I ask you) today to see Star Trek.
I was the first in the cinema (11am) and thankfully was only joined by about 6 other well behaved patrons.
The film itself was wonderful, a joyful old fashion romp, that has simultaneously re-invigorated and re-invented the whole franchise (and boy had it got stale).
My favourite bits - McCoy and Scotty (the latter, of course originally played by a Canadian, just like Kirk, and is now portrayed by an Englishman.)
The whole premise, a stroke of genius. Keeping the die hard fans happy with the alternate timeline bit.
What on earth was Winona Rider doing in this movie though. There are plenty of really middle aged actresses, with much more gravitas. Honestly I was rather pleased when she was killed off!

That's plenty.

I have tinnitus, and it nearly drove me to suicide.
- that's me speaking by the way, not Mr.Shatner

"And yes, I've gone where no man has gone before, but I was in Mexico and her father gave me permission! My name is William Shatner, and I am Canadian!"

"Enemy fighters at two o'clock!" "Roger. What should I do until then?"

"There's a touch upon my lips,
Left by memory's fingertips,
I still hear her voice,
When there's no sound."

Strange old day. Not as strange as last night however. I mentioned that everything is seeming very flat (for want of a better word) to me recently. Last night, however , this feeling was worse than ever. I felt like I was going through the motions, I couldn't find interest in anything, I was so antsy and frankly bored with myself that I went to bed before 11pm - unheard of!

I always listen to music or more usually comedy Cd's, to get to sleep, and they play all night. Last night it seemed to be influencing my dreams. I had an mp3 compilation of Mitch Hedburg, Emo Philips and Bill Hicks amongst others, and the topics discussed were influencing my dreams, in quite a strange way. The basic dream itself was taking place in Vancouver (as they quite often do), but this external source was having quite a surreal effect on the events therein. I woke up feeling very sad, and even more immobilised than ever. Thankfully it was my day off. Why this is something to be thankful for, escapes me completely. At the moment I dislike everything, especially myself.

Why was the day strange?? well that doesn't really matter now...

“Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we have made.” - Bill Watterson

“There's only one me, and I'm stuck with him.” - Kurt Vonnegut

"I sometimes wonder
What happened to that flame
The answer's still the same
It was you you it was you "

It's been extremely quiet at work the past few days. This is unusual, but I suspect probably related to the weather getting better.
It can't last for ever, the quietness , not the weather I mean.

Even if, whatever is in charge of such things were to allow, I were to suddenly become a rich man, I would not leave my job (at least not completely).
As I've said many times before, work helps you appreciate time off. I often get bored after a day or two off, but after half an hour at work , all that wasted time develops a whole new importance. Therefore were I super rich, or even mildy so, a day or two at work would help me appreciate my new found leisure opportunities.
Of course this is all pie in the sky. Money could after all mean travel and adventure, all of which is mostly quite useless on ones own.

Speaking of which I have decided that I'm better off staying completely alone for ever and ever. As I previously mentioned, I don't exactly go out of my way to make friends (it's mid May and I've been out once this year (for about two hours - see earlier post), and with my many personality problems this is probably for the best I suspect (see posts on misanthropy, urban fear and snobbery).
This is not self pity,by the way, just ruthless realism. I'm best suited to being alone, even my family doesn't like me.

Be seeing you!

(I can't recommend 'Pacific Ocean Blue' enough!)

“It is terrible to be alone, and it is terrible to be in love, but one is cheaper than the other.”

“If the cock does not crow before sunset, it either will rain the next day, or the cock is dead.” - Dutch Proverb

A quick note while my pizza is in the oven (I know, I know).

In between falling asleep and generally existing, I watched the Season 5 Finale of Lost today (I know how American, 'Season' indeed).

A few thoughts - overall I was disappointed, slightly. Previous cliffhangers left me confounded but ultimately entertained. This time I was bloody baffled! (don't get me wrong the show could have lasted twice as long and It wouldn't have seemed too long).

The main characters were slightly downgraded to almost pieces on a game board, with two seemingly omnipotent players guiding their movements. I really hope that the creators aren't going to pull a 'Battlestar Galactica' on us and tell us it was God all along!

The Geography of the island seems very fluid, in previous seasons the Remains of the Statue near the Others false camp, was all the bloody way round the other side of the island, now it's a couple of hours walk from the Losties Beach Camp.

I'm guessing the Ship at the start was The Black Rock, and Richard Alpert was on board. Locke, it transpires remained dead, no magical resurrection for him, the loophole reference in the last scene revealed it was Jacobs 19th Century companion incognito.

Worst of all - how could they Kill Juliet!!! She's been consistently one of my favourite characters, especially since the LeFleur storyline. Plus Elizabeth Mitchell is one of the few Actresses who actually looks better sans makeup. Wonder how the 'V' remake she left to star in will turn out?

Plus in other exciting news, I've finally begun watching my Mod Squad DVD (only season 1 was ever released on these shores, poor sales I imagine). I've never seen it before, but I must say it is most entertaining. By 21st century standards it is pretty tame, but in 67/68 it must have seemed pretty racy and daring. The first few episodes alone dealt with lsd, racism, Vietnam veterans, and the new youth culture. Strangely downbeat too. I especially like Lincs' philosophical outlook. Plus Peggy Lipton was gorgeous, but much much more so in Twin Peaks! (but if I was 20 that viewpoint would, I suspect, be reversed).

Anyway goodnight from a strangely upbeat and misery free post. I assure you normal service will be resumed. Be seeing you!

“Television is called a medium because anything good on it is rare” - Fred Allen

“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” - Oscar Wilde

"Where did your long hair go?
Where is the girl I used to know?"

I suppose I'd better write something.

er..

...Well I had said to myself that my next post was going to be upbeat and positive - as if!

Since my recent birthday (or more likely that's when I began to notice) I seem to have lost the ability/need to stay up until 2am, 4am, etc.
Maybe it's just me getting older and therefore more easily tired, but now bedtime usually seems to be just around midnight, and then five minutes later I'm fast asleep (although I've been waking up at 5/6 am each morning, but actually feeling quite rested!) . Of course this is a U turn from the years of insomnia, which I certainly don't miss. I'd always assumed that the lack of sleep was down to unhappiness, stress, depression, the usual suspects, but I can't say I feel happier or more relaxed, so it must be old age. Actually it occurs to me, that of late everything has been feeling a little 'flat' and pointless. Sometimes it's the case that I'm simply bored last thing and unconsciousness seems a slightly preferable state.

I had my first haircut for 5 months yesterday. My first words were along the lines of "very little off please", needless to say they fell on deaf ears, as I've asked again and again, why do they never listen (I'm sure in higher price brackets they do).

Amazing how after a few days off it actually gets a little bit boring, but after only a few minutes back at work it all suddenly seems so desirable!

What a messy couple of paragraphs! I simply can't be bothered to go back and tidy them up though - goodbye.

“Habit converts luxurious enjoyments into dull and daily necessities” - Aldous Huxley

(I watched this on DVD the other night, DD was 44 when she made it! amazing!)

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”

Another, much quicker, reply to Belfast.

Thanks Andrea, that last comment was quite uplifting. I enjoyed being your friend,
- be happy!

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” - Maya Angelou

“If you want happiness for a lifetime - help the next generation.” - Chinese proverb

A quick reply to Belfast.
I wrote that last post in anger, which thankfully faded, and this morning feels like nothing more a bad dream.
I do understand that teenage years are difficult and an exercise in testing boundaries, essentially deciding what kind of adult you are going to become. I wonder if I'd had a little (or some) guidance , maybe I would be a mite more acceptable today. My Parents style was to ignore me and hope for the best.

Back to my somewhat nebulous point, what was it?

I was upset most by the quality of my interactions with Billie rather than the quantity. If I'm only to see her for literally a couple of hours a week, I'd rather not have 90% of that spent watching the top of her head behind a laptop.
(slightly later) Thinking about it for a moment, maybe just being in each others vicinity is enough.

I know most parents have the same experiences, but we have to be allowed to make our own mistakes, (you've seen that first hand) we either learn from them and grow, or carry on unchanged. Teenagers are arrogant enough to think that they are experiencing everything for the first time, I was simply channeling that!

Some of what I write here is tongue in cheek, honestly, but only some. It's a catharsis writing down all my most negative thoughts, a bit like Dorian Gray if you will. Furthermore the late night postings always seem to be little more bitter than the morning ones (ie anything after 4am, for those that remember my insomniac posting days).

Finally, and no sarcasm intended, It's good to 'hear' from you mystery poster, a genuine surprise, and a pleasant one. Your advice was most welcome.
I should move on, but sometimes (especially for me) it's easier to hang on to a shred of an idyllic past (even if it was only remembered thus) , than move on to an uncertain and frankly scarily empty future.
Nice to end on an upbeat note (one day maybe, one day)...

“Each generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it, and wiser than the one that comes after it” -George Orwell

“Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, and don't have any kids yourself.”

"I'm so hard to handle,
I'm selfish and I'm sad,
Now I've gone and lost the best baby,
That I ever had".

It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to.
I want to be a good parent, but I just don't seem to get the opportunities to practice. This week, the very week Billie was 13, I saw her for nearly an hour on her birthday (it was all I was allotted, apparently) and today I had to pick her up at 10pm (on a Friday! - she eventually materialised at 10.15) from her friends, and she went to bed just shy of 11pm. That's not even two hours this week. (she wants to be home by 11am in the morning?)
I visit my parents house and secretly wish my Dad would ask me something about how I feel, my interests, or even about work. I try the reverse with Billie and get, er , nothing back. Maybe we want what we can't get, should I try and be like my parents with her? A Father that can't relate to me on any level, and a Mother that will avoid conflict at all costs to keep the status quo?

Maybe it's all down to me. I seem to fail at being a reasonable Human being on all counts. I'm a misanthrope, a snob (without the money to back it up alas) and essentially an isolationist. I'm difficult to get to know, rewarding those that make the effort , with well nothing in particular. And the one person I wanted to know for ever , I lost (primarily because I was afraid, mostly over the future, and change).

I started out typing in an angry angry mood, and I very very rarely get angry. I find I'm ending it feeling supremely sad, disappointed and of course sorry for myself. I thought this was about teenagers, but it's more about my faults than those that millions of kids have right now, and even back in the cave were considered normal.

I suck.
Big time.

“They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.” -Philip Larkin

“They do certainly give very strange, and newfangled, names to diseases.” - Plato

"We came down from the north
Blue hands and a torch
Red wine and food for free
A possibility"

Well your old pal is on holiday. How does this differ from his usual days off? so far, not at all.
I left it much too late to go anywhere, as in not booking.
I had quite the penchant to return to Glasgow, but there were no trains available. I had a look at foreign travel - but there were only beach holidays, and that's not for me, especially alone.
Next time I shall plan in advance and actually do something! (honest , just you see...)

I can see the next week in my mind and how it will play out, and so can you dear reader, so can you...

I was all grumpy and dour at work the other day (imagine). The was a student nurse next to me reading an old old text book. she told me there was some poems in the back, handwritten nonsense. I recognised the writing as my ex-wife's, and there were pages of handwritten peri-teenage scribblings, some quite revealing. My reaction was to tear out the pages and destroy them, more down to dramatic gestures than any real indignation, but that was a weird coincidence eh?
(actually not so,I took a big pile of old books in about 10 years ago, they were old even then, but you had a kind of Rod Serling moment there didn't you?).
I saw Billie very briefly today. Her Mams Sister/Husband and children are staying and that means I am immediately fluffed out. Ain't I special?
This week I have mostly been watching Moonlighting

(you know until tonight I always thought this was 'A Certain Ratio' original, turns out its not a new wave classic, but a northern soul stomper!)

“Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.”- Plato