“Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, and don't have any kids yourself.”

"I'm so hard to handle,
I'm selfish and I'm sad,
Now I've gone and lost the best baby,
That I ever had".

It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to.
I want to be a good parent, but I just don't seem to get the opportunities to practice. This week, the very week Billie was 13, I saw her for nearly an hour on her birthday (it was all I was allotted, apparently) and today I had to pick her up at 10pm (on a Friday! - she eventually materialised at 10.15) from her friends, and she went to bed just shy of 11pm. That's not even two hours this week. (she wants to be home by 11am in the morning?)
I visit my parents house and secretly wish my Dad would ask me something about how I feel, my interests, or even about work. I try the reverse with Billie and get, er , nothing back. Maybe we want what we can't get, should I try and be like my parents with her? A Father that can't relate to me on any level, and a Mother that will avoid conflict at all costs to keep the status quo?

Maybe it's all down to me. I seem to fail at being a reasonable Human being on all counts. I'm a misanthrope, a snob (without the money to back it up alas) and essentially an isolationist. I'm difficult to get to know, rewarding those that make the effort , with well nothing in particular. And the one person I wanted to know for ever , I lost (primarily because I was afraid, mostly over the future, and change).

I started out typing in an angry angry mood, and I very very rarely get angry. I find I'm ending it feeling supremely sad, disappointed and of course sorry for myself. I thought this was about teenagers, but it's more about my faults than those that millions of kids have right now, and even back in the cave were considered normal.

I suck.
Big time.

“They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.” -Philip Larkin