“If I don't write to empty my mind, I go mad.” - Lord Byron

Well well well.
I have to post something tonight, as tomorrow I shall be 'extra' miserable about my return to work, and tonight I am under the influence of an whole bottle of wine (actually contrary to your initial reaction, this is a lot less regular than once it twas).
As predicted, my 'holiday' amounted to a whole lotta nothing. On the upside however, I do feel a lot more relaxed. Bored a little, but relaxed definitely.
I'm also feeling very very nostalgic. I looked through a few hundred photos earlier tonight. The photos of Vancouver almost brought me to tears, and I discovered a couple of photos of Andreas visit a couple of years ago, and it made me recall what a good friend I lost. I am an altogether unlikeable fella. Sometimes even I can't stand my company.

On a slightly pleasanter note, my lovely new projector has meant that I've watched a whole lot of films in the past week, around two a day in fact (that's a lot for me). I finally got around to watching 'Mamma Mia' last night, on blu ray no less, and while I had a few niggles with the film (the Direction and Pearce Brosnan/Julie Walters amongst others) the songs and fun were wonderful. I then spent all today listening to ABBA Cd's (I own them all).

Billie has been unwell, and consequently spent the last two days with me, I think she will be back at school tomorrow. Amazing how much effort she can put into chatting online, and how little into chatting to those in the room with her.
I enjoyed it, but I feel a little stir Crazy after being in the house for two hot humid days.

I really want another drink now,as the drunken buzz is starting to wear off, oh the confessions I was going to make, declarations of lost love, the embarrassing squirmy stuff that seems to define me.

If only...
If only ...
if only ...

“Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication.” - Lord Byron

“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.” - Confucius

"This is the day
Of the expanding man
That shape is my shade
There where I used to stand"


I love evenings best of all. Mornings are full of potential, but afternoons feel like killing time.

Exactly as I knew it would, this holiday has amounted to nothing, but for once I don't really mind. At least that hateful, twisted and resentful me of last week has left (but for how long, I wonder?), it seems having nothing to do is good for the soul (up to a point, eventually boredom creeps in, and then the roller coaster finishes cranking uphill, and begins the sudden downward journey, which is of course , much much faster than the upwards one - a very inelegant metaphor sorry). Er. where was I?

I watched "Speed Racer" on Blu-Ray last night (I own all of four, count 'em, discs!). Maybe it was the technology, or the 10 foot picture, but I really thought it was a great family film. I actually have some of the sixties show on VHS (remember them kids?), so maybe I was the target audience. Anyway I'm not in the mood for film reviews , so that's all you are getting.

Up until today my holiday weather has been hot hot hot and sunny (I don't have a garden, so I can't really take advantage of it. If I were to sit in a public place with my present hirsute level, I would probably be arrested for nefarious intentions). However as I write this, the sky has darkened and the clouds opened, it's still warm though, and sitting in this balmy gloom in front of a glowing monitor, feels very different and really quite cozy (maybe cozy is the wrong word, who knows?).

If my postings get any more inconsequential they will turn to steam I imagine.

Good Day World.

“Think in the morning. Act in the noon. Eat in the evening. Sleep in the night.” - William Blake

“The enemy of society is middle class and the enemy of life is middle age.” - Orson Welles

"But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on ev'ryone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way"

Just as I knew I would be, I'm already bored with my holiday, and it's only the second day. Of course it is so so much more preferable to actually being at work, I am not completely mad (am I? it's hard to be objective with no other adults in my life!).
Because of the early sunrise (I think) I am waking up at about 5am everyday. In fact all last week and this I've been getting up early, on my bloody days off! Also lack of interest has been sending me to bed earlier and earlier, the appeal of being a tortured soul at 4am seems very distant and pointless now (but so does pretty much everything).

I've actually lost a bit of weight over the past month. I've only been eating at mealtimes, and have bought no crisps, sweets and so on (if they aren't there, I simply cannot eat them). This has annoyed Billie somewhat though, as it consequently means nothing for her to stuff into her face.
I also haven't shaved for a few weeks, and have taken on the appearance of the type of fella you cross the street to avoid. I was amazed at how white my beard has become since the last time I grew it. Until recently I didn't really feel 'old', but the evidence is stacking up isn't it kids?

It's 10am, what does the day ahead have in store for Billy?
(postcards or sealed envelopes to the usual address)

“The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it.” - Doris Day

“I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness,' but it doesn't work.”

"Living under guard
Wind is on my neck
Sun is on my face
A beautiful day without you"


For the first time, my recent bad mood / depression, spilled over into work today, I was a right pain in the neck (sorry colleagues). All I could think about was finishing work, and as soon as I did I couldn't recall what I was looking forward too. Today (actually yesterday now) was apparently Fathers day. I did find a card waiting for me when I arrived home from work, but I wish I could have the cliched Fathers day that is running through my addled mind, all Brady Bunch morals and soft focus values. That's never going to happen though is it?

Anybody out there, trying to get through?

What's to become of me?

(by the way I just watched my first movie on my new TV , or actually new projector, complete with 110 inch screen, maybe the best purchase I have ever made, it actually made me smile!)

I am now on holiday - expect nothing, and never be dissapointed.

“Today is going to be a...less bad day. I can feel it. Sometimes I wake up and know everything is going to be...less bad” - Ally McBeal (I loved that show)

“Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.” - Oscar Wilde

My 13 year old daughter is unhappy with her height.
She's five foot nine, and actually concerned that she is too tall. She is literally worried about standing out, I suspect. She can't see the advantages height has from an adult viewpoint (unless of course she should unexpectedly grow to gigantic proportions). To be honest I have completely given up on trying to reason with her on practically any matter. This is not lazy parenting, but the grim realisation that nothing can change a teenagers mind, at that age you think that everything that happens to you is happening for the first time since the beginning of well time. Parents go from being depended on to becoming only a peripheral annoyance, a buzzing insect (albeit one that provides food shelter and material possessions). Give her enough time and I'm sure our former closeness will return along with a little wisdom, I hope. She was supposed to sleep over tonight, but at the last moment announced she was going to a party. I was a little upset, but in all honesty a night with boring old Dad or a party? foregone conclusion anyone?

(in the end she rang and did want to stay afterwards, but didn't arrive until 10.30!)

“You teach your daughters the diameters of the planets and wonder when you are done that they do not delight in your company” - Samuel Johnson

“When an elephant is in trouble, even a frog will kick him”

"And turning out the light
I must have yawned and cuddled up for yet another night
And rattling on the roof I must have heard the sound of rain
The day before you came"

Yesterday, when I arrived home from work, I was all fired up for a vitriolic blog post. I was so angry after a rotten couple of days at work, plus two extra scoops of self pity. I went to bed instead. I had several nightmares. I never have trouble getting up, but once up a lethargy (not simply laziness) often hits me, and this malaise will often keep me occupied for hours. I called in to my Mothers house and the angry self loathing spilled over, and I was certainly less than charming. Sometimes I hate myself, the rest I simply dislike me.


I am so very very unhappy.



I really wish I could connect with my Brother more. He has a life of his own, and I only ever really see him in passing. I requested his assistance with a problem in my house today, and it was very pleasant having a bit of company for an hour or two.

My mind still wanders back to Canada, about every two hours or so. It's long over of course, but I really really dread the day when 'she' (is that impolite or rude?) doesn't drift through my thoughts. I know that makes no sense whatsoever, and I said I would not mention it anymore, but there you go, I can't be trusted, apparently.

message ends.

“Help thy brother's boat across, and Lo! Thine own has reached the shore” - Hindu Proverb

“While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery”

"Hide on the promenade
Etch a postcard:
"How I Dearly Wish I Was Not Here"

Normal service is resumed - I am absolutely miserable again today. Sadly I really have no idea why (although regular readers may have some suggestions).

I made a rather large and probably quite foolish purchase this week, followed by another - connected one. I'm not trying to be enigmatic, I'm just a little embarrassed about spending money when I so often proclaim that I have none.

Once again my days off have passed, and remain totally inconsequential. Apart form spending money, and putting up a blind, my days off were spent in a non stop whirligig of sensual pleasures and time wasting extraordinaire (only half of that is true). I'm feeling very lonely today, not something that has troubled me of late (after all, I have often proclaimed my unlikeableness - is that a word?), but today I need some company. Music, Wine and rampant consumerism will only get you so far, and it's not very (far that is).

I am off to watch something funny (by which I mean a DVD not my bank balance).

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one’s miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”- C.S. Lewis

“Nothing happens, nobody comes, nobody goes, it's awful.” - Samuel Beckett

"Cold city lights glowing,
The traffic of life is flowing,
Out over the rivers and on into dark."

I logged in without the slightest idea of what to post. Simply put, being on my days off tomorrow made me feel slightly less despondent than usual (don't worry it'll return soon).
Blimey I really do have NOTHING to write, I haven't a good rant or ramble in me at the moment, plus I feel really tired so I'm sure I'll sleep well tonight.
Looking back, belligerence and insomnia are two of my top topics (top topics, clumsy!).

I still have my weeks holiday to look forward to the week after next, but I have of course had to cancel my planned trip to Glasgow, thanks to recent (ahem) 'unexpected' financial transactions. I'm sure I'll find a pleasant way to completely waste the days, you had better believe it!

I really wish I had something to say, good or bad. I'm just so dull, and my life is so uneventful, I'm stuck. (I could fall back on the old standbys such as...)

“For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.” - Douglas Adams

“A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.” - W.C. Fields

"The past, past, well now let me tell you about the past
The past is filled with silent joys and broken toys,
laughing girls and teasing boys"

Imagine a gesture that's part sigh, part shrug, a hint of exhalation, a lot of indignation and a little bit country (that last part was what they call a joke, whoever 'they' are). Then picture your beloved author doing it about 6 , 8 maybe 10 times (I'm in an even mood - would that have worked better as odd?).
When it comes to a life / gearbox metaphor I've discovered a third reverse gear (I was already in an undiscovered [to you at least] second reverse gear). My point? None , as usual, I've just had a glass of wine, which inevitably lead to ruminating (or is that what cows do?) and reflection. This inevitably led me to the conclusion that life is a big pile of poo (that's definitely what cows do).

I apologise in advance for this pity fest (tickets still available for next year). Hang on how can I be apologising in advance? I haven't even finished typing this yet! (cue some Bill and Ted / Back to the Future comedy paradoxes)

"Well, remember what you said, because in a day or two, I'll have a witty and blistering retort! You'll be devastated THEN!" - Calvin and Hobbes

“Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.” - Groucho Marx

No song lyrics today

Recently even I hate being around me.

Well it turned out my sloth in booking a holiday was a hidden blessing. I was presented with a note from my ex-wife, which simply stated, with no niceties, that I have to give Billie £300 tomorrow for a new school uniform, bye bye Scotland, or wherever.
I have nothing else to say at the moment (except maybe to say that me and eBay will surely become strangers for the next few months, do I really need more Cd's anyway? but I was toying with the idea of getting a social life - maybe next year?).

I hate Sundays.

No video today

“Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.”

No picture here today either

(message from the next day - this post was ultimately : pointless. Even by my own, very low, standards. In my defence it was very very late, and it made me feel better for approximately 12 seconds.)

“A bore is a man who when asked how he is, tells you”

"So it's Rorschach and Prozac and everything is groovy"


Blimey it's June already. Time really is slipping away. At my age time is something that every few weeks pops into my head and shouts "it's later than you think", then buggers off for a while. Every new ache or pain and I start fantasise about an infirm and lonely future. I look at my payslip and regret my lack of ambition (and ability), and almost everyday I regret that road not taken (you know the one I said I wasn't talking about anymore, but inevitably still am in a roundabout manner).
However I am going to resist the urge to just moan and wail for two paragraphs, although that urge is almost irresistible.
I've had a couple of rotten days at work, nothing new there, but I'm starting to get a bit peed off with getting off late, especially after being there for nearly fourteen hours. Just sour grapes I know, but so what!
I've got a single day off jammed in between work days, and here I am doing what I do on every day off, I could bore you with the details, but even I don't care.

In a sure sign of addiction I bought 8 (count 'em) Cd's today (although all but one were second hand), more importantly I actually bought some food, including those rarest of beasts on the Billy landscape, fruit and salad.

I have a weeks holiday coming up , and thanks to the low mortgage rate, some money to actually go somewhere.
A quick poll ;
Do you think I will a) book a holiday and look forward to my solitary pleasure (ooh er missus)
b) at the very last minute say something like "bother, I've left it too late", and moan about it , like forever?
Don't bother to answer , we all know the answer already.

In a (very) slightly amusing anecdote, I was queuing in my beloved second hand shop today, when a fellow pushed to the front to ask about a snooker cue in the window, as he was examining it I said "Ironic eh? you want to see a cue, and we are all standing in one?". At last a witty comment that didn't occur to me two days later. (by the way he replied "yeah", to which I replied slightly less acidicly "oh, snappy comeback". He then left (I noted which direction, so I could take the opposite, he may have had another snooker cue about his person!)

“My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure.” - Abraham Lincoln