“The insane, on occasion, are not without their charms” - Kurt Vonnegut

"I thought love was only true in fairy tales,
Meant for someone else but not for me."

More blah blah.
I feel really strange* today. The last couple of weeks have , to repeat a cliche, been a bit of an emotional roller coaster for me. Not a lot happens to me, and I so tend to overreact sometimes (but only sometimes). Consequently minor mishaps such as my leaky roof (oops - mentioned it again - but only as context) get me down a lot more than they should.
By the same logic, really upsetting things tend to knock me for six. Maybe that's why I feel so disconnected at the moment. I really feel like I'm walking between the raindrops, although that may be completely the wrong expression. I seem to be rubbing Billie up the wrong way recently, but I'm sure that is just a twelve year old thing. However I feel like I'm getting more and more isolated, and caring less and less. Okay I'm beating around the proverbial here and skirting around the elephant. I'm losing a point that probably wasn't even there in the first place.

and in less abstract news...
I'm keeping up with my exercises. The pain still wakes me up several times each night. I used to sleep exclusively on my left side, as that's where my radio is (tinnitus remember?) but as it's my left shoulder, I alternate (exciting stuff eh?).
On Friday gone I had to go to the gym (me! in a gym!) I was the only "patient" there, and despite their obvious disinterest, the abundance of twenty something , fit physiotherapists, made the gelatinous middle aged blob you see before you a little uncomfortable.

*lazy, not to incorporate this above I know. I realised I never elaborated on 'strange'. I mean irritable , distracted, unfocused, regretful, apologetic, but paradoxically unapologetic, misanthropic, detached, sad and ultimately pointless.
You may point out, correctly, that this is how I apparently feel most of the time, but somehow it feels a little different today. You may also correctly point out that these can also describe depression.

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” - Albert Einstein

"Lack of money is the root of all evil" - George Bernard Shaw

And I thought yesterday was busy? A horrible horrible shift today. Winter is properly here when the bed crisis arrives...

Earlier Mr Roof had arrived (nearly an hour late). After examining the roof again, and listening to my description of the symptoms, he came up with a figure of another £600, but the look of horror on my face, and my genuine claims of poverty somehow got the price down to £300 (how does that work?) Luckily it's pay day on Thursday and my Dad is going to help me a bit. Typically when I got home still no sign of the guarantee from the previous job, and a quick call elicits that he will return tomorrow to finish, sound familiar?

My physiotherapy has now settled into a nice twice weekly routine. The shortwave pulse contraption is really helping with the pain, and today I've been given daily exercises. Strangely they involve a walking stick. Which reminds me of the two occasions when I needed to use a stick, when my back was bad (which gave me a 'House' complex of course). That was an unnecessary tangent (but aren't they all?).

I promise that I will not mention my damn roof again, unless more cash is involved maybe.
Last year Winter passed by quickly and pleasantly (and if you have to ask why you haven't been paying attention to previous posts!). This one look like it's going to be a bit of a slog

"A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of." - Jane Austen

"Some cause happiness wherever they go ; others, whenever they go" - Oscar Wilde

"I've got six things on my mind
you're no longer one of them"

- that's a lie.


Well apologies for yesterdays apocalyptic and frankly rather pathetic meanderings. My world didn't end, despite me sometimes willing it to.

Today at work was the busiest and most frustrating day I can remember for quite a while. It also seemed to last forever. Details are unimportant, it just was.
(oh and by the way my 'missing' items did not turn up, if it were a patients belongings stolen, I suspect my management might actually have been bothered).
Cruelly it has rained all day. I spent a lot of time at work wishing for blue sky (obviously this is not a metaphor but more leaky roof related crap - sorry).

I'm off now. Self pity doesn't wallow itself you know!

“I love talking about nothing. It is the only thing I know anything about.” - Oscar Wilde

"If you drink much from a bottle marked 'poison' it is almost certain to disagree with you, sooner or later"- Lewis Carroll

Let me start with a confession. Up until a few hours ago I'd intended to abandon this blog - no don't laugh, I meant it. I'd started the week simply planning to never post again, for well, a very long time, and ended up intending to delete it , at least for a couple of hours( the intentions rather than the deletion)...

This week has been awful for me. (this rambling post can't convey how wretched I truly feel)
Okay, by objective standards, I've had a bit of misfortune, this is a world of greed and famine, war and the apparently universal desire for peace (usually voiced strongest by the participants), neediness, and yet vulgar displays of wealth and excess (think Dubai for a minute). But I'm not a saint, I'm selfish, greedy and self centred, but perhaps no more than any 'average' person. When something bad happens to me it seems like the end of the world... but I'm rambling again.

I sincerely thought I'd start a new blog. I wanted to forget the whole thing and start afresh. This blog was initially, meant as a bit of fun,, but it became quite confessional. Although reading again some entries often makes me very sad, but a good memory will always be a good memory I suppose. What would a new blog be about after all? I have no passions other than misanthropy it seems, so a new blog would probably have gravitated back to similar subject matter, and format I imagine. Plus a new start is not always a good thing, there are some things I never want to forget.

I'm jumping all over the place here, not literally of course, only in subject matter. As you probably guessed from my last post I started the week in a bad place, and then got lost in it. Only minor irritations. The continuing absence of Mr Roofer, and his evasiveness over my bill / guarantee for repair number 2. The pain in my shoulder which keeps me awake at night (by the way the shortwave pulse therapy has helped, a little, but it has helped). My feud with my Dad (or rather his feud with me) seems to have entered a new phase of intensity.
Getting up to a empty sub zero house at 6am on a Sunday morning, walking through the snow to work, barely able to feel your fingers (where are my gloves? every year I lose them, buy a new pair then find the old ones, then the cycle repeats).
Then I had something valuable stolen from work today, just by an opportunist I'm sure but still very annoying. Then returning home to a freezing place, only to find that there is water running down my walls again (inside I mean), unfortunately the first leak in the roof (the one I do have a bill for) seems to have failed, so if I look up into the corner of the room here, I can see a little bit of nature trying to reclaim this 'hole' for itself.
Reading over the last few paragraphs reminds me of how insignificant all of these little troubles are (and I left out most of more trivial ones) but it doesn't stop me feeling like, well how do I feel? Empty, directionless, flat, pointless, a failure, old, flabby,lonely (but that one I have no excuse for), sad, irritated, pick a few more for yourself, they probably fit.
Well I started this thinking I would feel better at the end, but I don't. If anything I feel a little foolish that I wanted to commit such thoughts to 'paper' but there you go, only the best of us can completely convey our inner workings and motivations to others, and this post has proved that I'm not a member of that group.

(I usually go back and edit these things, but that was a non stop rant , typed almost as fast as it poured out so there it stays, at least the spelling is good...)

“Society exists only as a mental concept; in the real world there are only individuals.” - Oscar Wilde

"See I've already waited too long and all my hope is gone"

It had to happen, and of course it's entirely my own fault. Seeing it in "black and white" though, well even I was surprised at the volume of tears, coughing and spluttering it provoked.

Now I've calmed down enough to type.

Barbara has moved on from me. Oh I know it really happened months ago, but (30 minutes of thinking later) I never stopped loving her.
Nearly everyday since we last spoke I've sat looking at her name on my phone, but never dared to ring.
Maybe this is the metaphorical slap in the face I needed to move on.
I really hope you are happy Barbara (absolutely NO bitterness or sarcasm intended), heaven knows you deserve it. You're the best friend I've ever had.

“A man of gladness seldom falls into madness”

"It only tires me
But when you fire me
I want for nothing in this world"

Welcome to that embarrassing post I promised earlier . I have have consumed the wine, true, but sadly (depending on your point of view) I don't feel like I have anything to say tonight that is especially shameful (that's the wrong word really, but I didn't want to use embarrass again so soon - oops!).

I've been listening to a lot of Billy Mackenzie over the past few days. I always liked the fact he was a pop star called Billy (obviously) and that he could put real emotion into his performances (try 'Breakfast', 'Nocturne VII' and 'In Windows All' for starters) . However it was always obvious that he had a lot of internal issues and demons to wrangle. The fact that I'm older than he ever got to be, makes me ponder my own self worth (and I've never done that before have I ?). Luckily I don't really like whippets, and my Dads' shed holds no interest to me...

Next time I promise I will bemoan my state more thoroughly and those few topics that occupy most of my thoughts (okay I'm rambling now, time for this non-even to end). Normal service will resume shortly.

“Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness” - Seneca

“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.” - Cary Grant

"I read it in the sand
You'll come for me
And take me by the hand
Far from all I know
You'll take me there
And I will understand"

Here I sit with a packet of Tunnocks Snowballs and a cup of tea, listening to Billy Mackenzie, and ruminating. Oh I'm ruminating like a professional ruminator (but not in the sense of cattle), It's something I excel at. In a moment I intend to open a bottle of wine.
All three of my siblings were at my Mams house earlier today (plus me of course, so that makes four). This is a pretty rare occurrence. I still feel like an outsider to my own family but I try and not let such illogical thoughts bother me these days. (see an old dog can learn new tricks)
I don't like weekends off, I know I've said it a thousand times before, but Joe Public and his entire family are off at weekends (plus I'm missing those lovely weekend enhancements that take my pay up to a livable level - nice phrase!), I much prefer midweek days off - enough!

Let the wine flow! and probably an embarrassing post later I imagine!

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” - George Burns

“Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, pain of love lasts a lifetime.”

"I wish I had a river so long,
I would teach my feet to fly.
Oh I wish I had a river,
I made my baby say goodbye"


So what's been happening to me? not much as it happens (would ya believe it?).
I signed up with my local GP practice, as instructed at my sickness interview. I went along for my medical, and to be honest I was quite looking forward to it. An examination, a chance to talk with a sane and intelligent adult about my problems and worries. Sadly It lasted all of ten minutes, with the Practice Nurse and went no deeper than blood pressure, height and weight (I found out I'm actually six four in my shoes, and weigh only 102 kg, for years I thought I was six two and I honestly thought I was much heavier, so not all bad eh?).
Next day I dragged my deteriorating body along to the physio at work. This examination was much more thorough, but I felt quite embarrassed having to undress. My new physio wants me to come in twice weekly for a few weeks to get treatment on my shoulder. It has been getting worse, and I just have to reach out sideways now and it will go dead (accompanied by much pain). Sleeping on my left (as I always do) is painful and even putting on clothes is a struggle sometimes - shoot me now!

My roof is still not complete, he shall return to complete it on Monday apparently, but I will believe it when I see it.

In more upsetting news, my outlay the cost of the roof means I'll have to rethink Billies Christmas present. I really wanted to get her a nice netbook, as 'live messenger' seems to rule her life at the moment, but unless I get a windfall soon, that's unlikely now - oh well, she honestly doesn't seem to mind a bit!

I finally used the last of the Jim Beam that Barbara brought with her. I bought some more, but it will always remind me of a wonderful night and a wonderful Woman (that came out more morose than it was intended)
Goodnight.

“Courage is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.” - Winston Churchill

“Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”

"Tinseltown is in the rain"

So - roof man arrives, later than announced, and I hand him his cheque, which he pockets. He proceeds to show me what was wrong , and as he talks it becomes increasingly obvious he hasn't started yet! All I can think about is my cheque in his pocket! He says he'll come back in an hour or so, but he isn't and I go to work. All afternoon I'm pondering, "have I been ripped off?" So I ask one of my colleagues to ring me from home (he passes my house on the way) and he later reports, guys crawling over the house like an infestation. Sadly when I got home , a note says, "back tomorrow to finish". (sorry for the confused tense in that paragraph, I am very tired)

In other news, I finally signed up with my local GP practice, upon the insistence of the "interview". I last saw a GP over four years ago, with tinnitus depression and sadly , suicidal thoughts. He prescribed me anti-depressants (which I took for around six weeks) and referred me to the CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) for counselling. I wen for my first session, but he was off sick, and in the subsequent four and a half years no one has contacted me at all - great follow up eh? Suicidal Nurse with access to various opiates, insulin, potassium, just think of the ways I could have ended it all, thanks ex GP! (oh I sounded a little bitter there didn't I?). I have to go for a medical tomorrow - joy!

“How did it get so late so soon?” - Dr Seuss

“Love is a medicine for the sickness of the world; a prescription often given, too rarely taken.”

"As sure as night is dark and day is light,
I keep you on my mind both day and night"

Well, I think the roofer came, although I can see no evidence he did.
It was pitch black when I got in , but there was no detritus, no waste or rubbish around. Either he was very tidy or he's a trickster.

Perhaps more importantly, I had my sickness interview, and got a caution. If I'm off again in the next six months, I am apparently in big trouble!

Today, by strange coincidence, I met two people , or rather re-met them (is that a word?) from the distant past (that's my own personal distant past, it wasn't Caesar or Plato) one was a girl I used to sit next to at school (in the 1970s for goodness sake), the other was the Ward Sister on my second ever ward as a student, nearly twenty years ago! Strange eh?

By the way I still feel like I'm at the bottom of a large hole , that's slowly filling with sand/earth/water, you get the picture. Sweet dreams...

“Sickness shows us what we are” - Latin Proverb

“The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining.” - JFK

"And as I watch the drops of rain,
Weave their weary paths and die,
I know that I am like the rain,
There but for the grace of you go I."

The continuing saga of nothing in particular.
I was woken this morning by someone knocking at the door. It was the roof man! Whilst I slept he'd had a look (at the roof not me sleeping), and sadly the roof is apparently in a pretty bad way , but somewhat luckily, only around the edges. It will cost me around £500 to repair (plus the £200 from last week), I suppose it could have been worse. Anyone got £500 ?

“If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face -- forever.” - George Orwell

“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” - Oscar Wilde

"And the rain beats on my roof...
And it does not ask for proof..."

I haven't anything to say, I'm still here, just.
I had a good quote, but "nowt" to go with it. If pushed to speak, well it continues to rain, both literally and metaphorically (Think Buddy Holly), my sickness interview is Tuesday, my aged body continues to fail, blah, blah, and indeed blah... (excuse my language but I am right royally pissed off at the moment. I seem to be swinging between this state and depression, what a goofball!)

“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on.” - Robert Frost

“There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief.” - Aeschylus

"The windows of the world are covered with rain,
Where is the sunshine we once knew?"

Just a quick note between arriving home from work and bedtime.
My roofing guy apparently didn't visit, and it's forecast for heavy rain for the next couple of days.

Work! - amazing how quickly the complacent comfort of time off, can seamlessly become the monotony of work. So very busy today, rushing from one task to another, with two or three things to do on the back burner. At least it took the edge off my low low mood, little time to dwell on such matters. However one of my colleagues asked my opinion of Canada as she wants to relocate there, and of course I can remember exactly what I was doing last year. I know I'm obsessed, and viewed from the your objective viewpoint probably seem like a bit of a sad old nut, but we are all the centre of our own universe, and mine is full of thoughts of well, you can imagine.

Long day tomorrow, shift that is , the day will as always contain 24 hours , night night.

This is how we all danced in 1987

“Words are the physicians of a mind diseased” - Aeschylus

"The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes" - Winston Churchill

"I’ve had a drink or two and I don’t care,
There’s no fun in what I do if she’s not there"

When I woke up this morning, it felt like something was different. I felt so low, emotionally, really quite despondent, it's somewhat better now, but the feeling of hopelessness I woke up with, is hard to shake off completely. When I got to work, I was so down in the dumps that I snapped, quite rudely, at a group of colleagues, who were only making gentle fun of me, I've never done that before, it did not feel good.

Minor irritations - I woke up to the sound of dripping again. The leak is still not fixed, the roofing fella will hopefully take a look tomorrow, while I'm at work. - My Christmas shifts are done, and they have kindly given me an early shift on Christmas Day, followed by a night shift on Boxing Day, and then a 13 day shift, and that's all in the same week. I was not happy, and I made my feelings known, which again is something I don't usually do. final niggle today - I today discovered that the problem I'm having with my left arm has left me unable to reach behind and fasten an apron. Obviously in my job that's a major handicap, blimey! I am so decrepit!!

Much much more importantly, it occurred to me on the way home tonight that it is exactly one year ago today since I left to visit Barbara. That first night there has to rank as one of my two favourite memories (honestly) and the other is Billie's birth. The way I subsequently treated Barbara has to rank as the biggest mistake and regret of my life (and probably several others), er, bar none!

I am such a fool.

Happy trails...

"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot." - Groucho Marx

“People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think”

"Someway, somehow this same thing was done.
Someone, somewhere did me this same wrong."

Well last night I sat in bed watching the BBCs coverage of the election (it was around 3am when I fell asleep). It was really quite exciting, but even from the early stages it was quite obvious what the result would be - thank heavens!
McCain seemed like a reasonable old right winger (sarcasm) but what really scared me was the heartbeat away from the presidency that Palin would be, I felt something akin to how Johnny Smith felt about Martin Sheen in The Dead Zone. In her own "world" she may function quite adequately, but loosed on a cosmopolitan , multicultural globe, surely only Armageddon could have resulted (let's face it did McCain even have four years left in him?). She irritates and frightens me!

It's not like me to discuss world politics is it ? not when there is the minutiae of my pathetic life to entertain us. Speaking of which, my roof was repaired, it didn't cost a fortune, well not if you are rolling in the dough, but by my own terms it was pretty pricey. Now I can look forward to a dry but probably cold (i.e. I can't afford the heating now) Winter, ho hum.

Billies school is closed all week, due to heating problems, which means we've had a few solid days together. Mixed blessings, I realise how grown up she is now, but it's been delightful just slobbing around together doing normal stuff. I'd hate to be one of those absentee Dads where every meeting has to be an "event", we are comfortable just sitting in a room together, I wish I could say that about my own Dad.

Today has been that most British of days, Guy Fawkes night. I assure you that 99% of the "people" you asked round these parts about the historical origins of the day would have no bloody idea, they just like an excuse to set of fireworks , and set fire to things.

There has been something on my mind for quite a while now (quite a while), but I just can't decide what to do about it. I shall keep us posted on any developments (but expect none, I am King of the procrastinators)

and by the way, don't think for one second that this inane banter means all is well. My head is (thinks of witty metaphor and fails) , well completely messed up...

"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little." - George Carlin

“Worry gives a small thing a big shadow.” - Swedish proverb

"Here I go, I'm going back,
On every world you ever said,
I'm dreaming of another time,
Yesterday was my alibi."

Two days in a row, didn't get to sleep until after four am (actually three days if you include my roof worrying episode!). Consequently I didn't get up until very late today. A waste of time yes, but it saved on electricity I suppose.

More importantly:
This upcoming week will be the first anniversary of my trip to Vancouver. This is so bittersweet, firstly it was perhaps the happiest 15 days of my entire life (honestly), and secondly, well do I have to spell it out???

...today then I am tired, but above all wistful.

(My favourite Bond movie)

“Eyes that do not cry, do not see” - More Swedish Wisdom