I had absolutely NO idea that Barbara was actually in Hawaii when I posted that - really! I was simply referring to something she said, a long time ago...
(I only discovered via Billie's facebook snooping,  - cross my heart and hope to die - honestly, honestly!)

“I've been things and seen places.” - Mae West

Surely the most important thing happening anywhere in the world today, is Barbara's Birthday.

Happy Birthday!

I won't say exactly how old she is, but it's an extremely important one. 

If you happen to ever read this Barbara, and I hope you do, then I'd like to imagine it's from the Hawaiian beach you so longed to revisit. 

There really isn't anything else to say. My love goes out to you and your family, I so hope you are happy, and will always remain so.

"Dear Buddha: please bring me a pony, and a plastic rocket..."

Remember when I used to bleat on and on about insomnia? Of course you don't.

Anyway in a complete turnabout, for the past couple of weeks I've hardly been able to stay awake. For instance, last Monday I didn't emerge from my pile of duvets until 1.30pm !!! Tuesday 12.30,what a lazy scumbag! If it were not for early shifts, I suspect I would rarely see daylight. I'm nodding of at random times during the day too.

Is it a new variant of depression? pure laziness? side effects of medication ? having nothing much to do when I get up? or simply the sub zero temperature in my bedroom?

It could be any combination of the above, or none at all, who knows? who cares?

In other news, It's the Ward Christmas Night Out tonight, humbug.

I'd secretly vowed not to go, after last years personal fiasco and my generally anti-social, anti-anything outlook, you can imagine that I might be less than keen.

Maybe I protested to much though, as my boss told me on Wednesday that he'd already arranged a lift for me.

So I might as well go, there's a Metro station right by the venue so I can sneak out if required. I'll finish this post when I get back, so there may well be some amusing drunken ramblings, or not.

(Three days later) well for the second year in a row I was home by 10pm. 

This year I was simply miserable. As the night progressed, all I wanted to do was stay sober and escape. Work colleagues and strangers alike slowly getting drunk around me, for some reason only irked me. Then when the 'entertainment' came on dressed as Firefighters; I made my excuses and left. In fact I walked home too. In the current climate,It was quite bracing, not really dinner jacket weather. 

The snow's back today...

“Talk to every woman as if you loved her, and to every man as if he bored you, and at the end of your first season you will have the reputation of possessing the most perfect social tact” - Oscar Wilde

 

 

“We build statues out of snow, and weep to see them melt” - Sir Walter Scott

Finally the snow is starting to disappear.

But that's not important, it bloomin' winter after all.
I'm worrying now about the terrible British postal system! (plus all the usual stuff I fret over of course), if you see what I mean.

By the way my Dad still hasn't said a single word to me (about anything) . By all accounts he's very ashamed of how he behaved, and apparently told my Sister so. The saddest part is he could never and will never tell me. such is life...

“Letter writing is the only device for combining solitude with good company” - Lord Byron

 

 

“The father who does not teach his son his duties is equally guilty with the son who neglects them.” - Conficius

Somehow, in yesterdays post, I forgot to mention my huge argument with my Dad. 

Maybe not huge by your family standards, but well, let's just say it involved my first shouting in at least 7 years (if you see what I mean), I do not , normally, have a bad temper.

It started with him offering my two year old Nephew a screwdriver (!) to play with. When I pointed out that this may not be such a good idea, he began on a rant about what a bad parent I was.  His logic was that since he had had four children and I only the one, he was practically Dr. Spock (go google him). Furthermore he told me that he "couldn't stand me"  (verbatim quote) and I'm a 'know it all'.

I can be insulted about pretty much anything, without it flustering me, but the suggestion I am a bad parent (not his exact words by the way) got me quite riled. So I revealed a few home truths about how his family merely tolerate him, and that I'm the only one who can be bothered to make it an issue.

Sadly he declined a reasoned debate on the subject, and simply kept repeating a couple of his stock phrases, before he went and hid, ostrich style (though not with his head in the sand, just in the kitchen). I could provide a detailed analysis of his behaviour, but I want only to describe how upset I was, not his shortcomings.

Today he could not even make eye contact with me. I was there for three hours, and he did not say a word to me (this is not unusual in itself, but I sensed an active avoidance today).

Well time for this big baby to go to bed, I have to work later today...

“What was silent in the father speaks in the son, and often I found in the son the unveiled secret of the father.” - Fredrich Nietzsche

 

“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.” - Bill Wattersonor“The English winter - ending in July, / To recommence in August.” - Lord Byron

Well the last week has been dominated by snow, on both a personal and national level. It's snowed every day since my last post, and although never quite a blizzard, the cumulative amount lying about is very impressive/depressing.

 

The media is full of the usual doom and gloom about how poorly prepared as a nation we are (and we are). On a smaller scale I've spent a lot of time digging out my little car, and on more than  occasion, digging it back in again (to my little yard, if you see). 

Billie helped with the shoveling last night which she unexpectedly enjoyed very much, go figure (the ice in the back lane, was a sheet about three inches thick) .

I had my first shift in charge for many a month, after my 'phased' return (which in itself sounds far more exciting than it actually was). To be honest it went quickly and without hardly a worry. 

I'll have to decide in the next day or two if I'm going to send that Birthday card I mentioned a few weeks ago. I've lain in bed on several occasions recently, mentally composing messages to go therein, but they all sounded inappropriate, hollow, or frankly just pathetic. 
International post waits for no man...

"What state do you live in?"
"Denial." - Calvin and Hobbes

 

“It is completely unimportant. That is why it is so interesting!” - Agatha Christie

 Wednesday was a 'lost' day (but not in mystical castaway sense, although they did both had a disappointing ending). I got up late, but more through boredom and lack of central heating, than tiredness. Since I almost literally had nothing to do, I just stayed in my dressing gown and moped (that's the verb, not the underpowered mode of transport). I really cannot say how the day was spent (not through a desire for secrecy though). Somehow, I managed to miss the fact that the earliest snow for years had been falling,  and falling, and falling.

Looking out into my little yard, my littler car is hidden by a cosy looking blanket of perfect white snow. There is something magical in the way new snow can transform the mundane and familiar (maybe I should get ME some?). 

Sadly it all too soon turns to slush and soaks your socks (there's a metaphor for life in there somewhere). 

In another startlingly cliched revelation, I simply cannot believe how quickly such a dull and miserable year has gone by. My roller coaster has simply cranked to the top, and I'm hurtling to the all too soon conclusion. Sadly, you can't simply queue up and go around again. 

One passenger, one ride.

 (a couple of days later)

I somehow forgot to publish that/this post, so here's a tiny bit more. It's after midnight, but outside it looks almost like twilight. The sky is so light from the snow clouds and the ground so white, the light out there really is quite eerie!
I got a text around midday (in itself a rare event). It was from Billie, asking me to acquire a sledge for her (I wasn't expecting to see her today). I acquired a sledge, and delivered it (and her) to her home after school. What a scamp!

Nothing continues to happen, my beloved projector is still away for repair, and I'm trying to avoid wine for a while (well at least 5 days! - 5 whole days), so not even my usual diversions to , er, 'divert' me.
I'm almost looking forward to going back to work next week (almost), I'm just so very very bored.
Tomorrow, more of the same, I imagine.


(oh, I almost forgot, keeping a great tradition alive, I had a terrible haircut yesterday- see numerous previous posts - it really wasn't what I asked for!)

"I've put something aside for a rainy day, it's an umbrella." - Tim Vine

“Where there's music there can be love” - French Proverb

Well I'm on holiday, why doesn't that excite me more? It's around 2am on Tuesday morning.

I received a letter informing me I'd be on half pay from the next payday. I was a bit shocked, as I've been back at work for five weeks now. I spoke to 'someone' in human resources, who said he'd sort it out, but until I see that payslip, I have my doubts.

We've had some most excellent patients in the last week. Gentlemen in their late 70s and early 80s, who really define the term 'Gentlemen'. The type of fellow who wears a tie and jacket even when just popping to the shops. They often have a 'Ronald Coleman' moustache, impeccable manners and a loving family - here's hoping! A pleasure to look after.

Despite my proclaiming that I rarely feel lonely, well I often do. Especially these last couple of weeks, the anniversary of that most wonderful trip.

My projector is still away for repair, but that didn't stop me from enjoying last nights 'Dexter'. The most tense , and enjoyable show on TV at the moment.

End of line...

(I'm so excited about this film...)

"I've got an Elvis address book. Trouble is after I'd written Graceland in it I couldn't think of any others." - Tim Vine

“Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.” - Stephen Wright

Remember when I used to post everyday? What on Earth was I babbling about? Oh! - fair enough.

Well, I've been back at work over a month now, and was supposed to have a fortnights holiday next week, but for some reason I didn't get it ( I was using it as some kind of mental health beacon, i.e,. I was quite looking forward to it). The reason, I surmise - there wasn't enough staff to cover, but it would have been nice to have been told that rather than just find out accidentally, I'm a big fan of good manners. (See - I must be getting back to normal ! complaining about stuff!)

There's something annoyingly niggling in the back of my mind, and it's informing everything I do, without me being consciously aware of what it is. 
Maybe I'm just coming down with something. 
I wonder if it's connected, but I have been experiencing rather a lot of 'deja vu' moments recently (in fact this tangent only appeared because of experiencing one amid the last paragraph). I believe (perhaps erroneously, go google it) these are due to miscommunication between the left and right sides of the brain, maybe I'm mentally and physically crazy now? (that was a joke, by the way). 

“Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time.”

"Who would write, who had anything better to do?" - Lord Byron

 "And if a double-decker bus,
Crashes into us,
To die by your side,
Is such a heavenly way to die"

Just sense that waning interest. 

As you probably guessed, I'm on my days off and that means wine, which often leads to a blog entry, so here we are. 

First I had a strange comment on a posting from July, - " really appreciate YOU -- thanks a lot! ".

What on earth does that mean and who is it from ? It doesn't look like the usual spam. Can anyone enlighten me? (about anything at all!).

Last night I fell asleep on the living room floor, and woke up at 2.45 (of the a.m. variety). I fell asleep listening to the (fabulous and very moving) soundtrack to  "Vertigo" (by Bernard Herrmann, of course) and consequently (I imagine) had some very strange and disturbing dreams. It was all I could do to (almost literally) drag myself up to bed. 

Strangely, I hardly ever feel lonely anymore, and I know that lack of loneliness is in itself a worry, and maybe a symptom. I hope it's just a phase, or possibly a coping mechanism.

I pulled the door off my microwave the other day (wear and tear rather than anger, by the way) another unexpected expense, but rather funny in retrospect. 

Being back at work is now becoming the norm, but it still seems a little strange and other worldly. In a couple of days I'll have been back a month, but it feels like seconds, but simultaneously, an eternity.

Life remains pointless, but at least I don't want to end it anytime soon (anymore!)  

 

“Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. Then the worms eat you. Be grateful it happens in that order.” - David gerrold

“The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it” - Mark Twain

“It takes a genius to whine appealingly.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald

Blurg... I am once again, quite intoxicated. that usually means two things...

I've been back at work two weeks now, and my last shift was, well, almost tolerable. Let's see what happens.  

In my drunken state I can admit that for whatever reason, Barbara is never far from my mind. Her birthday is coming up soon, should I send her some sort of card?  Should I do anything at all? (even my Dad spontaneously said I should today, did he sense my brooding?)

I hope she's happy, I really do...

Probably best to remain silent...

In much more trivial matters, I must say I really enjoyed "The Walking Dead" premiere, and with this weeks "Dexter" the new season finally kicked into gear !! 

I have to slumpingly fall asleep now...

one of my all time favourite songs...

“He who knows nothing is closer to the truth than he whose mind is filled with falsehoods and errors” - Thomas Jefferson

“Time and words can't be recalled, even if it was only yesterday” - Yiddish Proverb

Very, very briefly,  it's time for bed, Thursday, actually Friday (and work in a few hours!).

I just wanted to say something (er, nothing in particular, just something, anything at all). 

Week two back at work and things are still difficult (although only for me), I just can't seem to interact with colleagues (although it is easy to have a facade with patients) and I feel constantly on the edge of panic. 

Though apart from this minor trauma, very little else is happening. 

Now the year is rushing towards Christmas, won't somebody please put on the brakes? 

"I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with. Will you take two negative points?" - Woody Allen

"Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse" - Lily Tomlin

Well hello again, it's been quite a while, hasn't it ?

Simply put, I neither had anything to say or the desire not to say it. Frankly I'm bored with myself, and my life, but don't worry (as if you were) I'm not seeking to end it any time soon.

Nothing has happened,  except me returning to work, I suppose that counts as something?

Nothing had changed, but everything had changed. It wasn't an easy week, by any means, in all honesty it was quite a struggle for me. The work itself wasn't the problem, I was. Every second was a struggle for me, a struggle to seem normal and personable. Every fibre of me just wanted to leave, and never return. All I was living for was home time. For the life of me I can't explain why, at least not fully.

Everyone seemed genuinely pleased to see me, and to some degree me them, but I felt so detached from everything, I simply couldn't relax, as if constantly on the edge of panic. It will get better, I'm sure, but without a fundamental change in who and what I am,  I'm worried that another crisis is simply a matter of when, rather than if ?

“In the real dark night of the soul it is always three o' clock in the morning, day after day.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald

 

 

"My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else" - Woody Allen

“He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food” - Raymond Chandler

Two, yes two, almost interesting things happened today!

I had what I believed to be my first counselling session today. Sadly after, it turned out to be more of a history taking session, to check I was fit to return to work, but it was with an occupational health consultant. It looks like any counselling will have to be funded / sourced by myself, I'm still waiting to hear from my GP counsellor (do they even exist beyond a sign on a door?). But I do feel a lot better, at least today. In all honesty that may be down to my second 'event' of the day, I actually booked that long threatened Holiday for Billie and Myself. Yes next April, We shall be off to Orlando. For me it's maybe the seventh or eighth time, but the first since 2001 (final 'family' holiday was to California in 2003!), but Billie has been several times since. I just wanted to go one more time while she still wanted to go (with me at least). One final blow out for me before she finally grows up (thanks MasterCard!).

p.s. I've just noticed that it was my 4th anniversary on last.fm, last week. It's a wonderful site, I'm still quite obsessed with it, not as much as I once was of course. Plus, most importantly it was the conduit that led me to Barbara, and no matter what transpired, that will always be one of the most precious times of my life.

“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”- Steve Martin

“I liked things better when I didn't understand them.” - Bill Watterson

It's 9am on Sunday morning. 

Last night I had rather a lot to drink, imagine that (I finally opened that bottle of Jim Beam Black Label, I'd been saving). Consequently there was a bit of a rambling, and frankly embarrassing post half written at 3am, in vino veritas eh? 

I soberly read it this morning (pun intended)  and decided it was not fit for general (i.e. mine) consumption, so you've got this rubbish instead.

Although this is a personal, and practically unread blog, I've never really let rip with honest emotions here. It's after all a very public forum, open to anyone with the whim to look. I usually just write enough to jog my memory at a later date, and it's quite amazing just how poor memory actually is. Often I can look back at a year old post and it can uncork forgotten detail and feelings. 

Now I'm rambling in quite a different way - boringly (that's a word, isn't it?).

I forgot to mention that Billie and I went to the cinema earlier this week to see the 25th anniversary re-release of  'Back To The Future'. We've seen it a couple of times together, and both love it, but we couldn't resist it's rather limited return to the big screen. It was the first film I saw with my ex-Wife, way back in 1985, but there's no bitterness when I write that , just a simple fact.  (by the way the film has been rather fabulously restored!)

We usually watch a film together at home, a couple of times a week, and I recommended 'United 93' to her. At the end we were both in tears (one of my very first blog posts, mentions me crying the first time I saw it). I actually 'enjoy' being upset/elated by a film, it reminds me I'm still a functioning adult (and I don't get many reminders these days). 

I told my mum I'd bought a theatre, "Are you having me on?" she said "Well, " I said "I'll give you an audition but I can't make any promises." - Tim Vine

 

“You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar” - George Carlin

What a dull, dull week. All of my weeks are dull, but this one takes the biscuit, it takes the whole packet, in fact. I've been doing a lot of thinking this week, well maybe contemplating is a better description, maybe. To the casual observer it would look like me lying on the floor whilst listening to a lot of music (including old, old vinyl), but I call it contemplating. The usual suspects I'm afraid, the past, the future, but mostly the past (read into that what you will, but you are almost certainly  right).

I can't remember how long it is since I've had a conversation. Of course I talk to people, in shops, or brief words with my family, but to sit down with an adult and talk about things, any bloody thing is something I miss, miss a lot. How I miss those endless phone conversations of old (now I remember the last time I had a conversation!).

“Conversation has a kind of charm about it, an insuating and insidious something that elicits secrets from us just like love or liquor.” - Seneca

“I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations.” - Bill Watterson

What a bouncing ball my mood is. Weekends seem to find me at my worst, and strangest of all, Monday morning seems the most optimistic part of the week - go figure.

My beloved projector is on the fritz, so I'll be staring at a blank 10ft screen for a while until it's repaired (thank goodness it came with a 3 year warranty - I never get extended warranties!). Time to catch up on my reading.

A lot of dreaming was done last night. All that sticks with me is something about Orlando, and somehow Barbara was involved. 

Maybe that's why this particular Monday morning I was feeling almost 'upbeat'?

“Enemy fighters at two o'clock!
Roger. What should I do until then?”

“Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.” - Oscar Wilde

“Beware of the door with too many keys” - Portuguese proverb

I've nothing to say (though it now seems that I have), as usual, but this time I'm drawing a complete blank. I just wanted to post something, back 'in the day' I used to really enjoy posting. Sometimes they were actually funny, or opinionated. Recently posts have fallen into a self parody of bemoaning and tedious minutiae, with the occasional TV review (speaking of which, the new series of "House" has been a little [a lot] disappointing - that was both a fact and a self referential joke, see?).

As soon as my new credit card arrives I'm going to book a holiday, no really this time, for Billie and myself. We plan to go to Orlando (it'll be almost exactly 10 years to the day since I was there last). I reason that spending all my savings on one last proper holiday, is better than the rainy day I'm currently waiting for. It may never arrive, but if it does at least I'll have a credit card, eh? (I suddenly feel part of a much bigger community!)

{I finally read Cybill Shepherds Autobiography this week, and it was, (dial a cliche alert) unputdownable, I read it in maybe three sessions, which for me is remarkable (see, I just did). It's so honest and frank (er, that's the same thing isn't it?) and unstarry.}  

“First our pleasures die - and then our hopes, and then our fears - and when these are dead, the debt is due dust claims dust - and we die too” - Percy Bysshe Shelley

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Everyone can walk on water if it is cold enough.” - Loesje

"Love is not a victory march,
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah"

Well I've bitten the bullet, and turned on the central heating, breaking my 'not before October' rule!
Two reasons, it's bloody freezing, and I feel so down, that I actually need to feel physically comfy cozy (a hug would also work).
I called in at my Mams earlier, and actually had to have a blanket around me (she can't afford the central heating either - but it was only me feeling cold).
I only had a few hours sleep last night, so I feel like a chilly zombie (is it a cocktail?).

(plus -  I keep running upstairs to see if the mysterious leak is getting better or worse!)

“The longer you wait for the future, the shorter it will be”

 

 

“Beware of little expenses; a small leak will sink a great ship.” - Benjamin Franklin

Billie stayed over last night, although I didn't pick her up until 11pm (she was asleep by midnight, and gone by 9.30am this morning). At 2am she rang me (I was still up, obviously) to ask for a pair of bed socks (I ask you!). By the time I got up there she was asleep again, but in the dark I found myself standing in something wet! A small pool of water in the middle of her room was revealed - but mysteriously no knocked over glasses of water, no obvious leak from the ceiling, or leaking pipes, no obvious cause at all. 

My only conclusion is that since the water was directly below the light fitting, maybe the water was trickling down, ninja style, from an external leak in the flat roof, it was very wet and windy last night. 

Hopefully my brother, Frank, can clamber up there tomorrow and advise. Yet another leak in the roof? Worse yet something else for this nutcase to fret over...

That was my Friday night.

“A small key opens big doors.” - Turkish Proverb

In a rare moment of lucidity, I noticed a key on my keyring, and realised I've no idea where of what it fits (yes this is the most interesting thing to happen to me today).

“To want to forget something is to think of it” - French Proverb

Poor me, I've actually been quite unwell the past few days (aw!). As I breath it sounds like someone sawing wood. Since I'm not coughing anything up, I can only assume it's not an infection. I did have asthma (or as we called it back then - bronchitis) as a child, it just seemed to vanish when I was about 20, isn't that nice? I've got all the other symptoms of a man cold too, fancy. I haven't left the house for a few days, except to pick up Billie for an overnight stay. I honestly think her once weekly sleepovers are the only thing keeping me sane!

Another health problem? My already very poor night vision seems to have deteriorated further recently. I had it all tested, with some rather Heath Robinson diagnostic tests (which included electrodes under my eyelids, and my head being placed into what amounts to a plastic bucket!), quite a few years ago, but there's no actual treatment for it.  Consequently I try to avoid driving at night (Don't fret though - I'm okay as long as there are street lights).

I have a doctors appointment in about 8 hours so I better go to bed, I suppose...

“We were basically one and the same, although Jim was just about perfect, and, of course, I am perfect.” -William Shatner

“I have an unfortunate personality.” - Orson welles

Hello.
We went to see Toy Story 3 (finally!) today.
Billie had already seen it the week it came out, with her Mother - well played ex-wife!. 

I made the foolish mistake that week of seeing Inception with her. Whilst a very very good film (though maybe not the instant classic everyone says it is) it bored her terribly bad choice Dad!

Toy Story was the first (complete) film I've seen in 3D (I know, I'm so far behind the times!)and I loved it (though to be honest it would have been just as good in 2D). I just hope they can resist a fourth film, please leave it as a trilogy...

From where I sit I can see my very own Jessie , Woody and Buzz. The latter two I bought in Disney World before Toy Story 2 was even released, and Jessie technically belongs to Billie, she's just 'resting' here. Sadly the batteries in Buzz died years ago, but the other two can still produce a squeaky phrase when their string is pulled.
Billie was in one of her non-communicative teenage moods, but it was so good to see her. As she gets older I sense my gradual transition from necessity to periphery (as a parent).

Today has been okay...

As for tomorrow?

“We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.” - Orson Welles

“Chins without beards deserve no honor.” - Spanish Proverb

Late night/early morning, and in lieu of someone to actually talk to - a blog posting. 

I've nothing much to say, well nothing I haven't said a hundred (maybe eighty?) times before. I had a dreadful day (emotionally - I didn't go anywhere or do anything), something approaching the despair I recently experienced, but with a whole lot of the hopelessness and regret that's characterised these last few months mixed in, cocktail style. 

Everything I do or contemplate has no consequence or importance (seemingly), to me or perhaps most annoyingly anyone else. I feel I could walk over wet concrete without leaving an impression.

A slight draft has more impact than me. 

I'm just feeling sorry for myself I know, and of course, objectively, I probably have or had all the solutions to hand, if only I'd been able to overcome my terminal lethargy (or is simply laziness?). Like some low budget time traveller, I dwell on the past (I suppose you can't really dwell on the future? maybe you ponder it?) more and more and more. Sorry those last couple of sentences were shockingly incoherent and directionless (remind you of anyone?) , and I haven't been drinking (much).

I have a feeling it's going to be one of those sleepless nights. As soon as I finish typing this rubbish I'm off to watch some escapist nonsense on TV. 

Two days later - I came back to this post  to add the usual quotes and pictures. The self pity and misplaced teenage angst, made me ponder deleting it, but obviously I didn't - duh! 

A quote in last nights 'Mad Men' (season 4 episode 8, by the way) really resonated with me. I've previously never associated myself with Don Draper in any way at all (obviously!) , but his line (I paraphrase),

"if you have to think about cutting down your drinking, you are already drinking too much" 

made me laugh and frown at the same time (is that possible? - I've just tried it, and it is). 

Whilst I am not really at the problem drinking stage (yet - I think) these past few months, looking forward to a glass of wine of an evening has become an almost daily routine / obsession. The giddy silliness that it induces is a pleasantly change to the standard issue maudlin / gloomy mood, I usually find myself in. Of course there's an easily crossable line that one more glass may cause me to , er, cross. On the other side of that line is miserable introspection, regret and even more depression - thankfully I've only visited a few times. Tonight finds me still very low, but thankfully not as when I started this post, where whilst not suicidal, I could certainly recall some of its apparent appeal.

I did stay up very very late on Saturday, watching TV in lieu of sleep, by the way.

“Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.” - George Bernard Shaw

“The best way to become boring is to say everything.” - Voltaire

I'm so very bored (and boring?). Recently time has, paradoxically, seemed to be passing quickly and simultaneously painfully slowly, I don't quite understand that sentence , so make of it what you will.

Thinking about my exciting lifestyle, I really should feel a lot more lonely than I do at the moment. 

I've bemoaned here at length about 'isolation' and so forth, but the past few weeks, it's felt like less of a problem. Don't get me wrong, company would be most welcome, but the lack of it seems to be bothering me less and less. It's probably just a psychological coping mechanism. Tomorrow I'll probably feel the complete opposite.

It seems to be a Saturday, I might get dressed and go out ?

 (I didn't)

Nice pastiche!

“Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.” - Voltaire