“An idea, like a ghost, must be spoken to a little before it will explain itself.” - Charles Dickens

"I'm so hard to handle
I'm selfish and I'm sad
Now I've gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had"

I think it was only yesterday when I said I wasn't going to post for a long time. And now I seem to be posting twice a day, still completely inconsequential though, at least usually. I suppose I just need an outlet, It goes without saying (why say it then? - shut up) that I miss Barbara, and one thing (amongst thousands) I miss is being able to tell her all the minutiae of my life, and for her to genuinely care, and vice versa, of course (whoa there boy , reign it in!).

In mudane news, My local Aldi has been expanded and re-opened yesterday (by local I mean about 100m). This isn't really that interesting except it's possibly a symptom of the global economy collapsing. Budget shops like Aldi, Netto and Lidl (and my beloved Home Bargains) are booming because they can still offer food at (relatively) reasonable prices. Which makes me ponder why am I not thinner? Food (and living in general) is so pricey I should be well on my way to skinny. After all it seems my major food group is red wine, at least that's the impression I give here.

Happy Halloween I suppose...

(I discovered a "Rhythm is gonna get you vinyl 12" the other day, sadly the video for that wasn't as super 80s as this one)

"Electric communication will never be a substitute for the face of someone who with their soul encourages another person to be brave and true." - Charles Dickens

"Realizing the importance of the case, my men are rounding up twice the usual number of suspects"

" No one knows what happened that day,
how his car overturned in flames"

Oh dear! A sleepless night, I'm totally dazed.
Billie was staying over last night, and shortly after going to bed she came back downstairs to tell me a strange noise was keeping her awake. Sure enough a strange tapping noise was coming from the walls. It was (is) raining very hard, in fact hail stones at that point. She slept in my bed to avoid the noise, but by the time I went up, said noise had spread to my room and was much much louder. Me being the worrier I am I was kept awake for nearly all the night listening but mostly worrying, in much the same way my tinnitus used to get to me. (I obviously did get some sleep as I had a couple of what can only be described as nightmares - see me for details).
When we came downstairs early this morning (sadly to take Billie to a funeral) there was obvious water damage to my ceiling and wall. I can only imagine water must be dripping behind the cladding on the dormer and finding it's way down the inside wall.
On 'paper' this sounds pretty dull and matter of fact, but it's really eating me up. First the financial implication, but it's also like the straw that broke the proverbial. Lot's of little problems (and one or two big ones), piled on top of my own abundant insecurities and neuroses, equals a messed up Billy. Some days I find it hard to function at all.
To misquote Casablanca 'the problems of one little person don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world', but when you spend 99% of time in your own company, and devout hermits admire your style, then problems tend to get dwelt on, worries tend to get overblown, and personality flaws amplified, a smidgen.

I've contacted the insurance company, it'll be next week before someone comes to look at it, and the forecast for the next few days - rain! (metaphorical and literal) - be seeing you!

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose” - George Carlin

“Borrow trouble for yourself, if that's your nature, but don't lend it to your neighbours.” - Rudyard Kipling

"And she feeds you tea and oranges
That come all the way from china"

Goodness - back again after only four hours sleep.
A very loud and ultimately persistent noise woke me up mid afternoon, and when combined with the epic trek to answer the call of nature (i.e. it's a long way to the toilet!), here I am!
My neighbours must surely be up to something, either an epic DIY project, or they have the developed loudest vacuum cleaner in the world. As a bonus the endless bang bang against the wall, from their trampoline no less, shows no sign of stopping, even in these almost sub zero days (I'll draw you a diagram someday).
Now I have the Mother of all headaches (Mother!), and it actually seems colder in here than out there (it's actually 15 degrees).
Yesterday, I had to stop typing, I was so annoyed with myself, and to a lesser extent the world. I made a mental note to leave the blog for a goodly while. Things always seem better the next day, at least until it gets dark again! Last night at work was awful , and I dread the prospect of tonight, but I'm off tomorrow, so that may help it's passage. So until misery strikes then...

...however, I've just watched this weeks 'House' and would like to make a comment. Firstly, the shows heavy handed symbolism continues to be appreciated, by me at least. The family that couldn't enjoy being together, versus the two potential families that weren't exactly sure of what they wanted. If House starts to analyse what makes him a bastard, the balloon will surely be pricked, pay no attention to the man behind the curtain! Sexual tension should never ever be resolved in a TV show, so I was dismayed with the closing scene. Hint away but concrete proof? is that what we want? And what of Cuddys' real motives? is it a child or the adoration she craves? She obviously can't get it from House, or can she (of course she can't).

“Music that gentler on the spirit lies- Than tired eyelids upon tired eyes” - Tennyson

Brrr Brrr Brrr

"Here I am, here I am waiting to hold you.
Did I dream you dreamed about me?"


...Straight off to bed then. It's so cold!

“We are born crying, live complaining, and die disappointed” -Thomas Fuller

blah blah blah

"Hide on the promenade
Etch a postcard:
'How I Dearly Wish I Was Not Here' "

Here's that rarest of things, a blog entry not influenced by alcohol (except by mentioning it I suppose). I find that obviously the time of day effects what "appears" here. For instance if I'd been able to summon up the energy this morning, after walking home from work, it would have been all about how bloody freezing it is (and it is) and how rubbish work is sometimes (sometimes?*). But I was so tired I was in bed by 9am! and it's usually 10.30 when I go to bed (hardly interesting, but relevant I think).
Since it's nearly 7pm and I have to leave for work again soon, my thoughts are dominated by how solitary these past few weeks and months have been. It's getting dark before 5pm, and there is something about that darkness that both isolates and causes reflection (frankly any more reflection and I could get a job as a mirror, albeit probably one of those fairground kind).
I've lost my point, but this isn't really about points I suppose, more Dorian Gray style hoarding of negative energies (which obviously isn't working!).
Hold it there - I'm going to stop - my perpetual bleating and self pity is getting a little tired (a little he says), I'm boring myself. Time to do something.

“The secret of being a bore is to tell everything” - Voltaire

*Oh and yes , I have to have another sickness interview, re my recent ankle woes. It was inevitable, but I am not going to let it get me down. I genuinely debilitated, and being unable to walk is probably a disadvantage in my job, eh?

“The function of posterity is to look after itself” - Dylan Thomas

"There's a battle ahead,
many battles are lost,
But you'll never see the end of the road,
While you're traveling with me"

Somewhere deep down the logic must have went thus:
Last night off 'til Friday? = get drunk! (what again) = conscious mind opens another bottle of wine!
So what else have I got to do?
I watched a movie (very so so) then for some reason spent an hour or two listening to vinyl! (kids, go ask your Mother) whilst lying on the floor (it seemed to make sense at the time!). Some of the records I forgot I even had (Steely Dan, Donald Fagen, Animal Kwackers!!!!) plus I discovered a nice Blue Nile print, hidden away inside a 12" Single (remember them?) The Blue Nile produces instant sadness in me now (a la Pavlovian response) I'm not being flippant, it really is so, Blue Nile = Melancholy, but the type you don't want to forget .
Where was I ? Oh yes Vinyl! or should I say super sad time capsule '80-'88, (when I finally gave in to Cd's and bought my first player, a £200 Kenwood - V flash at the time).

I feel sad - but it's my own fault, where's the hair shirt.... (last.fm viewers may notice a slight 80's bias for the next few hours) Life? what life?

“I've just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that's the record.” - That Welshman again

"The man who is not dead still has a chance" - Lebanese Proverb

"See I've already waited too long,
And all my hope is gone"

A little tip - do not consume a bottle of (admittedly fine) red wine, and then get into a very full, very hot bath (well maybe if you have company). Here's a clue - it's a bit like fainting, but you feel a whole lot happier about it.

Oh I really splashed out tonight (no pun intended) , central heating and wine! - Hugh Hefner, eat your heart out!

[I had to delete a bit here, rambling and emotional it was, we'll have none of that - thanks future sober self. (ooh - the clocks have just went back! time for bed!) ]


So many things I could have said, so many things I should have done. so many things I should have said, so many I could have done. (okay I left that bit of gin soaked rambling in)

“Many things--such as loving, going to sleep, or behaving unaffectedly--are done worst when we try hardest to do them.” - C.S.Lewis

“If I had my life story offered to me to film, I'd turn it down.” - Kirk Douglas

"I'd like to call back summertime
Have her stay for just another month or so
But she's got the urge for going
So I guess she'll have to go"

I'm trapped! in my own house (that's two times this week!).
I hate weekends off, they mean crowds, and Sundays. I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a Sunday.
There is a big football match on here this afternoon (the dreaded Sunderland Vs Newcastle) local rivalry means lots of locals, a large proportion of which are powered by alcohol. Consequently the town centre is a no go area, and I really wanted to go to the second hand shop! For instance my street is chockablock with cars, presumably in the pub watching TV and drinking (which actually sounds pretty good to me - as long as it's not football showing!).
Enough misanthropic rambling.

I actually did some housework this afternoon, observing in the process that my house lacks any 90 degree angles. I suppose if I was 110 years old I might be lacking in right angles too (the few that know me will confirm that the only geometry I have involves curves, but sadly not in a Jessica Rabbit kinda way). I just hope the place doesn't collapse around me one day (sorry -just one of my many irrational concerns).

Don't let the light hearted banter fool you though, I'm back in that rut of old, though the despondent edge has, thankfully, not returned (yet). Life, or rather living, seems so pointless - but I don't mean in the suicidal sense ! Picture a boring unforgivably straight road stretching out to the horizon, with only an occasional rest stop (with names like 'minor health issue', 'solitary Christmas', and 'more of the same').

And on that nostalgic and heart warming note, I'll say goodbye.

“Football is a fertility festival. Eleven sperm trying to get into the egg. I feel sorry for the goalkeeper.” - Bjork

“I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.” - Bob Hope

"The drone of flying engines
Is a song so wild and blue
It scrambles time and seasons if it gets thru to you"

It's all about age!
I finished my night shift this morning (until Monday at least). This past week all I could think of was Friday morning and going home. Sadly, like many things, the anticipation is often better than the actual event. Coming home, surprisingly limp free, the world was my oyster (at least in theory), but after I slumped down in front of the computer, my plans sprouted not only wings, but rocket engines, and flew off, never to return. I had a strange all over body nausea, not quite pain, not even an ache, just a drained empty tiredness, and mental bewilderment (so no change there, I suspect you may be saying).
Later I somehow found myself at my Mothers house, where I promptly dozed off until school pick up time, hardly the day of limitless possibilities I'd imagined then.

My daughters best friends dad, died today, she knew him pretty well. Consequently she's suddenly begun to see me as temporary, which is both tragic and , weirdly, a little touching.

As I type, I'm scoffing Mike and Ikes, which have suddenly appeared in shops here. These of course remind me of the huge bag of Halloween sweets I brought back from Vancouver last year (a year already? Incredible).

"When I'm in Canada, I feel this is what the world should be like" - Jane Fonda

“Where we love is home, home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.”

"And as I watch the drops of rain
Weave their weary paths and die
I know that I am like the rain
There but for the grace of you go I."

Well my ankle actually got worse, with the swelling spreading to both sides. I went to bed chock full o' painkillers,( fully intending to go back to work last night), but I couldn't get comfortable in any position, so I got up after two hours (midday!).

It's a lot better today, but not enough to return tonight.

Funny that all the time at work you can't wait to get home, but as soon as you have to stay home, you feel trapped!

The mind is a cruel cruel thing - It gives, it takes away, and then won't let you forget either!

As an added bonus, I've also been given an extra week of night's next week.

With my various failing appendages, aches and pains, mental state, general demeanour, the temperature falling and the nights darkening, I feel wonderful (I'm being sarcastic)

In other very mundane news, due to resting my foot, I've watched a lot of TV today. Last weeks House was a return to form, I felt Season five was so far a little dull to be honest, but the House /Wilson road trip was fun (which I just realised is also a reference to the show).

“Better slip with foot than tongue” - Benjamin Franklin

(Since I watched Zodiac tonight, this seemed strangely appropriate)

“Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm.” - Abraham Lincoln

Apologies, but this is, sadly, a necessary evil. This isn't really a blog post as such (well of course it is really, I suppose), but rather damage control for the inevitable trouble I will get in for not going to work tonight (yes ! Sick again, that's twice this year - I cannot have another sickness interview, my job could be at risk!)
Over the course of last night, my right ankle began to swell and become more and more painful to walk on. I am not going to go and wait in a walk in centre for three hours only to be sent home to rest and take non steroidals , so I took a few photo's as future proof. If' one is online , I can show it to the concerned parties at a later date, see?
So back to the usual stuff later...

small thumbnail for the faint of heart!

I took a very long time to get home this morning, I really wanted a taxi (yes for a 10 minute walk) but I had no way of paying on me. One of my Doctor colleagues, who'd looked at it for me, passed me at a brisk pace. He asked if he could help, but since he was on foot (no pun intended) too, what could he do?

“She was a blonde. The kind of blonde that would make a bishop kick a hole in a stained glass window” - Raymond Chandler

"Please don't wake me, no, don't shake me,
Leave me where I am, I'm only sleeping."

Everything seems quite pointless this morning. Caught between dreading going to work tomorrow, and dwelling on a faded past.
Speaking of which, I started to get a bit too confessional last night, which I usually avoid, (the wine may have had a small influence on this), I'd thought these feelings got better with time, but they've actually been getting worse! (was that suitably vague for you? cowering future self?)

"Never put anything on paper, my boy, and never trust a man with a small black moustache" - P.G. Wodehouse






(that's a picture I took in Glasgow by the way, not some Dr.Who reference, there are four left, and you can see the original red colour where the paint is peeling, if you click on it it's much clearer. Did you know that Glasgow had the first (hexagonal) boxes in the late 19th century, but [and here's the point you long winded fool] Sunderland had the first city wide (wooden) boxes in 1923 - that was almost interesting, careful now!)

"A witty saying proves nothing" - Voltaire

"There is no way to say it all
Play it again and say it all
I said a little
The rest is a riddle"


Blimey - how did it happen? what seems like just a few seconds ago , I had almost three weeks off in front of me, and now it's gone. One good thing was that those two weeks were part of my month of nights, so from Friday I only have to work seven (yes seven!) in a row and I'm done until next year (subdued yippee).

I couldn't sleep last night, so I got up and watched some television
(namely Dexter and Life, two of the best shows on TV at the moment, and Smallville , which is like a wounded animal dying in front of you, I really hope this is the last season, In truth I only watch it because
a - I always have
b - to look at the fine, fine British Columbian landscape).

I finally got to sleep around 6am, good practice for night shift I suppose , but I do hope it was an isolated episode, I've put all that 4am misery behind me (or so he thought - maniacal laugh...)

I bought an excellent new book of quotes today, The Q.I. book of Advanced Banter, not the sort of book you can pick up and read, but excellent source material for me, I do hope there is a good section on stupidity! I still feel like I've had half of myself amputated (in a spiritual not physical sense , nitpickers) and frankly I hope this feeling doesn't go away for a very long time, being reminded of lost happiness is never a completely bad thing is it? In all honesty, I've never felt such a strong and complete connection to another human being (yes it is the wine speaking - so what?).

I usually have quotes that have a vague (sometimes very vague) relationship with what I am 'talking' about, but today I have picked two at random from my lovely new book, isn't that nice? Aren't I an idiot? Is that even a sentence?

"If we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time" - Edith Wharton

"I could deny it if I liked. I could deny anything if I liked."

"But now they only block the sun,
They rain and snow on everyone,
So many things I would have done,
But clouds got in my way"

What have I been up to?
Precisely nothing.

Obviously that can't be entirely true, as I still have a day to day life, and I eat , wash, and exist (kind of) , but it's nice to start off with a bold statement isn't it!
I've reached that point in my holiday where you suddenly realise that it was all wasted , and all the things you could have been doing (e.g. painting - both types, writing sad poetry, housework, watching classic movies, getting drunk - etc) pop into your head.
To be completely honest I have been slightly drunk once or twice , most recently was in my Glaswegian hotel room last week. I experienced what I imagine is the loneliness of the travelling salesman. But it was a pleasant to have a spotless and well maintained room spinning around me for a change . (That was a joke - see what I did there?)
I have also been mastering advanced self pity (I was already quite the expert) - Now I am the master!

(I did watch the entire second season of "30 Rock" yesterday - which cheered me up no end. Tina Fey is a genius, but I worry that her Sarah Palin skits may actually be popularising that 'woman'!)

I just noticed I'm number 7 in the top listeners on last.fm for - Gloria Estefan ! That's like in the entire world man - Now how did that happen? (as if I didn't know!)
Sorry I have opened some wine (although I'm not sorry for that!) and of course I'm beginning to ramble.....

"What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing." - Oscar Wilde

Well, congratulations to Shirley Manson I suppose, getting married again. Although I can't imagine why anyone would want to try it a second time!

“Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes.” - Oscar Wilde

"From a late night train
Reflected in the water
When all the rainy pavement
Lead to you"

Well, the failed experiment is over (kinda gave away the results there, I suppose?).
As I said, the first day - rain non-stop.
Trudging on foot to the hotel, and (as promised - or should that be threatened) listening to The Blue Nile, was perhaps a melancholy overload, even by my own high standards.

The hotel was great in both value, location and facilities ( The free wi-fi certainly helped my stay), shame I arrived two hours before check-in, and had to go out into the rain again (oh poor me!).

The Kelvingrove Museum is fantastic, but I imagine better enjoyed (like most things!) with company. The Charles Rennie Mackintosh display is especially wonderful, along with the "Glasgow Boys" room. The building itself is magnificently overblown victoriana, but I somehow managed to miss some of the most famous exhibits, notably the Dali and Picasso - idiot!

Another highlight was the Necropolis. It wasn't quite the long walk I'd imagined, about 30minutes on foot from the city centre at. Yesterday was actually very sunny, and the juxtaposition with the (completely empty by the way - of visitors, not occupants of course) decaying temples, obelisks and Victorian extravagances, was strangely beautiful and uplifting.

Being a sad tourist, I went to both Willow tearooms. The original was a tad disappointing, mostly due to it now being half a jewellers, but the tea and food was excellent. The recreation on Buchanan street however was much swankier (the upper Chinese room was stunning), and the food equally delicious. But rather than tourists, it seemed to be full of ladies that lunch, oh and me (I had haggis again!).

Glasgow is a fine city, but it is rugged and scarred. It seems strangely bipolar, on one end of the scale, teeming with fine restaurants, clubs and bars, endless designer boutiques, that probably wouldn't even let me in, and at the other end, over run with pound shops (I really spotted about 15 different varieties), Greggs the bakers and the most Subway franchises I've seen anywhere!

The fact I wasn't completely blown away by the city, as I was the first time I visited Edinburgh, and by Dublin earlier in this year was, I suspect, due to my state of mind, and solitary status. I would certainly return, and this time plan a little better - apologies to Glasgow. The Few people I did interact with were friendly and charming.

My train wasn't until 8pm, so between checking out at 10.30 and getting on the train, I walked and walked and walked. I finally gave up at about 5pm and sat in the station watching the throng of commuters gradually thin and disappear into the night. In the whole time I sat there, I spied only one train departing for "south of the border" before mine that is. It was really quite fascinating watching the people and assigning each a back story.

And then home.

“What is madness? To have erroneous perceptions and to reason correctly from them” - Voltaire

“If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.”

"From a late night train
The little towns go rolling by
And people in the station
Going home
It's over now
I know it's over
But I love you so"

I had tears in my eyes on the train.
Not tears of happiness I'm afraid. When I saw Holy Island in the distance, I was struck by the sad fact that Barbara and I had never got there on our holiday. Then it dawned on me that the train follows very closely the road we had driven to Edinburgh, within a few feet at some points. Naturally this caused me to reflect on that journey, and more.
Then as the train approached the City (of Edinburgh) , and I spotted landmarks we had visited together only a few months ago, well frankly I was heartbroken .

To add to my joy, it began to pour down as soon as we crossed the border, my earlier post was very prophetic.
Peering out from Glasgow Central into the deluge , I was wondering whether this was actually a trip of penance , rather than enjoyment. To be honest, I haven't been looking forward to it at all.

After half an hour, I decided the rain showed no sign of stopping (and it never did ) so off I set with my little wheely bag, into the grey grey Scottish day...

(I had haggis, neeps, and tatties for my tea, it was lovely. )

A rail strike began in Scotland , 90 minutes after I arrived! will I get home?

“Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle.” - Lewis Carroll

“In Scotland, there is no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes. ”

“A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.” - Oscar Wilde

"This is the coastal town
That they forgot to close down"

I really don't like Sundays (I'm sure I've said this before - forgive me). I can't really tell you why. It somehow makes the isolated more isolated, and it has always been the most directionless of days (I'm sure many of a religious nature would disagree).
My daughter has been staying for a few days, whilst her Mother is in Poland (go figure). I've mostly been ferrying her from her meals to her friends houses and vice versa. I don't take this at all personally, she's twelve, and friends are surely more exciting than parents.

Sometimes (i.e. all the time) I wish I had been more honest in this blog. I don't mean to suggest I've been lying at any time (except possibly unintentionally by omission), just that there are many (but mainly one) topics I really wanted to dissect, analyse and generally ruminate over.
Surely this would be the perfect outlet (as my family must surely be very weary of my constant wailing, 'if onlys' and 'what ifs').
Logically, I know that a web page these days is very anonymous, after all the best place to hide a tree is in a forest, but another more neurotic part of me sees it as leaving your diary open at the best parts, for all to see. Luckily there is usually a hint of my state of mind, enough to jog my memory, when needed.

I could go on, and probably will, but for now I must get back to not enjoying Sunday afternoon.

“Cynicism is the only form in which base souls approach honesty.” - Friedrich Nietzsche

“You may forget what they said, but you will never forget how they made you feel.”

"Stranger things have been, stranger things have gone,
I find it hard right now to name you one"



I've written some really good blog entries.
Sadly none of them ever appeared here.

Usually I'm walking home from work, strolling through town, or cleaning a commode, when maybe a well worded phrase or a sarcastic train of thought will strike.
"Oh that's good!", "nice and vitriolic!" or "insightful!", are some of the things I probably could say to myself when such golden nuggets surface, but when later I sit down in front of the computer to recall these gems, they are usually gone, or at very best , half remembered.
Ever had someone try and describe a dream to you? It's usually a pretty boring experience isn't it (go on admit it), even though the dreamer might be left with some strong emotion or vivid memories. Likewise when I try and extrude something onto this virtual page, it is usually very dull and anaemic.
I have made a lifetime commitment to making a very little talent go a very long way.

I was a little shocked to see that comment from Barbara earlier today. My heart was in my mouth when It popped up in my e-mail. I thought long and hard about even replying, never mind wgat to actually say. I spent a long time working out some thoughts in my head, to go here later in the day.

Off course, as detailed above ,they have vanished "like tears in the rain".
Only the feelings remain, pain and regret.
I may be an idiot, but I'm a Human idiot.

This was a lucky find ! We were actually there!

“I've a grand memory for forgetting.” - Robert Louis Stevenson

“Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old.” - Franz Kafka

Barbara, if you pass by, I hope this day is filled with all the happy memories you have. My thoughts are with you.

“The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living.” - Marcus Tullius Cicero