"You're travelling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind; a journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's the signpost up ahead - your next stop, the Twilight Zone!"
Bedtime, and technically it's now New Years Eve. I hate New Year; Christmas sadly leaves me cold, but New Year I actively dislike. I try make sure I'm working, so I don't have time to dwell. Dwelling, regret, call it what you will, but that's how New Year makes me feel. Reviews of the year abound at this time, here's mine - boring, boring and deadly dull. While for the moment that isn't a problem, in the future, nearer than I probably think, I'll probably look back on this time and regret all the things I never did, heck I already am. This year I have done diddly squat, I've been nowhere, and come back again. I went out twice, one was boring, the other a complete disaster. There hasn't been a night when I didn't sleep in my own bed, and apart from Billie I have had no social visitors. My life's not a disaster, just a wasted opportunity.
Why so extra maudlin? well apart from the time of year I watched the first six episodes of the Twilight Zone in a row tonight. Regret and reliving the past was a strong theme in at least two episodes, plus the whole show always gives me the (usually enjoyable) chills.
I'll feel better in the morning, I imagine (I just remembered I'm at work for six days in a row, so I may just feel worse!).
Happy New Year, whoever you are...
“Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.” - Bill Vaughn
"And if your love was not a game, I only have myself to blame, That's as may be, I can't explain, Just ask the girl that I knew somewhere."
Be warned, I'm feeling very very sorry for myself this morning - you were warned!
Anyhow, Christmas. I had a very nice Christmas Eve , very nice indeed. Billie stayed over , the first Christmas Eve I've spent with her since 2003! We had a good time. Sadly she had to be back 'home' at 10am on Christmas Day, to drive off (as a passenger of course) into the snow and ice and visit distant relatives.
Which takes me to my Mams where after a very pleasant lunch (at least in terms of food) I spent an hour or two staring into space before falling asleep. My Dads attitude to me seems to have changed subtly. Perhaps to avoid conflict he now simply doesn't talk to me at all, or goes upstairs of goes out until I'm gone, subtle eh?
After all that excitement I got home in plenty of time for Doctor Who (frankly, a very disappointing 'special' but I'm not exactly in the demographic). An extremely busy Boxing Day (I was at work by the way) and an even busier Sunday, all 13 hours of it! (working that is, Sunday still had 24 hours) I arrived home intending to eat drink and be merry, but I fell asleep in my chair, and was in bed by 11pm (- this is quite remarkable I never ever go to bed before midnight.)
Monday was a day off, I stayed in and watched TV all day. I finally finished off Madmen Season 3 (very entertaining, but a bit of a worthy chore alas) and especially enjoyed 'let the right one in', 'Rashomon', and 'In Bruges' (er... that is a lot of TV isn't it!).
I may venture out into the sales...
“It is not possible for one to teach others who cannot teach his own family.” - Confucius
"The lights are always changing The black and white horizon I leave the redstone building And walk across the rooftops"
I really wanted to start with a 'bah humbug', but that would be such a cliche wouldn't it (so I did it anyway it seems).
I'm just about to go to bed, it's early Christmas Eve. Is is possible for one to feel less 'Christmassy' ? Maybe, but you'd have to work very hard at it. Tonight for once I don't feel forlorn or lonely (well not as much as usual, anyway), but I have a knot of frustration in my stomach, in fact I almost feel angry. Frustrated at what, and angry at whom, I do not know, but I wish I could shake it off. I get annoyed at myself and the constant whingeing, but I'm just to lazy to do anything constructive. That's pretty much my story, I wait for things to happen to me, I never go after anything or anyone.
Facebook is not, I think, for me. It's confusing cacophonous and a time thief. While it's true that I have time in abundance, photos of people I don't know and what they are having for their tea, well they don't really appeal. If you catch me doing that - shoot me (looks around - er... is it too late to retract that statement?).
“Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.”
"My brain is like a sieve sometimes it's easier to forget"
It's very late and surprisingly cold. In as much as I only turned the heating off at midnight (the horror!). Already the temperature in here has dropped to blanket requiring levels. Oh well.
Speaking of horror, it's time I spoke a little about the disaster of the so-called night out. Starting in true 'Lost' fashion I will begin at the end - Suddenly I realise it's after 3am, and I'm sitting, as usual, at the computer. How did I get here? I think back and cannot recall any dancing. Then I realise I'm very hungry and that I can't locate a memory of eating anything. I give up the mental strain and somehow manage to type a quick blog entry and go to bed, in that order.
The next morning I wake up, but only technically. My limbs refuse to operate and my mind is far far from it's usual razor sharp state (sarcasm alert). To put it bluntly I fee like crap - is this what a hangover feels like?. When I do manage to get up and get ready for work, it's all done at the minimum human speed possible. On the way to work, I notice the tracks of high heeled shoes on my pathway in the snow, and that's when I really start worry.
At work I have the truth is revealed to me. I had nothing to eat on Friday, because I was looking froward to the big meal. Due to the fire alert I mentioned the other day, the food is delayed somewhat, allowing your foolish author to get VERY drunk, VERY quickly. I proceeded to make a complete fool of myself, albeit in an apparently comical way, then throw up all over my good friend Kirsty. She's such a nice person that she kindly bundled me into her car (despite glass like icy surfaces) and escorted me home. As I was struggling through the front door as she drove off, it was still only around 10pm, so the whole evening had lasted less than two hours. From nought to idiot in 120 minutes.
Friends I tell you this, although I am a complete atheist, I suspect the universe doesn't want me to have a social life (oh I admit I give it a helping hand now and again).
Until next time, this is your friend, Billy Hopkinson saying goodnight. Er... Goodnight.
“There is no man, however wise, who has not at some period of his youth said things, or lived in a way the consciousness of which is so unpleasant to him in later life that he would gladly, if he could, expunge it from his memory.” - Marcel Proust
“The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.”
Apparently it was my Christmas night out. I don't recall getting home (it's now 3.30am) but I do recall never getting as far as a main course! I must have been very drunk (although apparently I had the peace of mind to hang up my coat, go figure). I do recall there was a fire alarm before we even entered the venue, so we amusingly waited in the snow until all was calm...
sleep...
“Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.” - W.C. Fields
So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”
Me again, yes so soon. I was just feeling a bit lonely. I do feel better today. Part of me was sincerely hoping I'd be too ill to go out tomorrow night. Objectively I really should go, I'm only one step away from being a total shut in. It's only a matter of time before one of my neighbours is describing me as 'a quiet guy , who kept himself to himself'. (which reminds me , I should get a good headshot taken to appear behind the newsreader).
I finally signed up for facebook. I've invited no one to be a friend (see a pattern?) In all honesty I did invite Billie, but more out of politeness. I think I'll just have a nose about for a day or two and then delete the account.
In more mundane matters, I'm dreading my heating bill! (who isn't).
Didn't watch any movies tonight, but this week I finally completed my 'Brittas Empire' box set (phew!), and really enjoyed 'A very long engagement' (the movie you fool) plus more 'McMillan and Wife' 'Pretty in Pink' and 'The 39 Steps' (Hitchcock version) for the umpteenth time. I have around 30 of his movies, but keep revisiting the same few (my top two movies are by Hitchcock - any guesses).
Best of all was the 'season finale' of Dexter. never have I squirmed so much, and simultaneously dreaded/desired an hour of TV. (ie it was very good).
I've bought three copies of Rage Against The Machines 'killing in the name of' (for a total of £1.50), just for the fun of seeing such a incongruous song at number 1, I was just a wee lad when it was originally released. Back then Christmas number ones were hotly debated and you simply couldn't miss TOTP on Christmas days (oh no, I'm getting all mawkish again - goodnight)
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." - Tommy Cooper or is it Tim Vine?
Circumstances dictate that I only see Billie once this week, sadly, very sadly.
It's my one night out of the year on Friday , yes it's the ward Christmas night out. I couldn't be less interested. No chance of meeting anyone (although to be completely honest I don't want too) as it's just work colleagues, bland food and overpriced drinks (plus bland entertainment and to boot in the local football auditorium!!) It's bound to be a blast! (by which I mean a washout).
I really wish I had even the vaguest twinge of a Christmassy feeling, but alas I haven't (nor do I recall the last time I did, I suspect around 1997). The only way I can even recall the feeling is harking back to the early 70s when Christmas meant Woolworth's adverts on TV, and circling shows in the Radio and TV Times (only available separately and the only time I ever saw them) and then usually missing them.
Something has to change.
Compare and contrast...
“So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'” - Tommy Cooper
Firstly (?) let me state that I am a little drunk.
It's so embarrassing to arrive at work and find your zip was undone all the way. That less than furtive fumble to check it's position is so obvious in a crowded street or corridor, isn't it.
Now what's next? Due to my ongoing flaky Internet connection, I've watched a lot on the projector tonight. I've just watched 'The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button' , and consequently my mind has turned to aging and love and all that angsty stuff. More on that later, probably, if I remember. (Has Cate Blanchett ever looked more gorgeous than in that film?... er probably not).
I also watched the Buster Keaton film 'The General' (1926, blimey) , and quite simply it's a work of comic genius. I'd never seen it before, and for that I feel quite ashamed.
I also watched the penultimate episode of 'Dexter' Season 4. I've never experienced so much tension watching a TV show. It's totally unpredictable (in the usual drama sense, there aren't sudden unexpected alien invasions) , anyone can suddenly die or be killed, and there are more twists than a bowl of pasta spirals. I love it.
Gossip reaches me that a former friend of mine namely Claire, (MUCHLY mentioned in this very blogs early days, see early 2007) has joined some sort of religious cult in Ireland. You probably know my views on religion in general (you don't? well see me after) , but in less general, regardless of whatever I felt about her in days gone by, this seems like a waste of a (relatively) young life. While I am extrapolating wildly (I picture something along the lines of 'In the Name of The Rose') the age of 28 is for hedonism, or a near equivalent, not devotion and routine devoted to, well you decide. She was always on the edge of 'regular', it looks like she finally went over. C'est la vie.
Getting back to Benjamin Button and that paragraph above, in a most circuitous way, makes my mind wander to former paramours, and the first mention in a long time of Barbara. To be honest I still think about her, a lot , but please don't tell anyone. I know that boat has long since sailed, in fact it's returned several times and is just leaving on yet another leg, whilst I'm still looking for a parking space, but if you don't know me by now... I wanted to say a lot more about this but there really is little point, don't you agree?
... much later in the week. I'd forgotten about this post until today, what drivel eh? Billie stayed over last night (being a Friday) which always lifts my spirit somewhat. We don't really 'do' anything together, but just spending time in each others company is great (plus I didn't get up until 11.30 this morning, she around midday - crikey!
I've been watching a LOT of TV recently (boredom), but apart from 'QI', and 'The Thick of it' I never watch broadcast TV (and even then I watch those two online later via the iplayer), and as I often say, if ITVever comes on, then my set is programmed to self destruct. I'm just a snob I suppose (really?)
(a little bit later) It's 1am now, wine has been consumed (don't get uppity that last one was five days ago!) - As King George put it , nothing much happened today (but I do feel V melancholy...)
(this weeks viewing - a shame only season one ever made it to DVD)
"Seasons may change, we stay the same. We always stay the same."
You can just sense my flagging interest can't you ? As I've said before, many times, there is only so many times I can bemoan the monotony, or my disturbed sleep, or my regrets, without it becoming completely boring (I suspect that moment has already long since passed). Just look at the number of posts over there on the right, hundreds the first full year, half that the second, and this year will have even less, that's plenty.
I was without any Internet access for over 48 hours this week (and on my days off to boot), and it felt like a physical withdrawal. I didn't realise how much it meant to me. It's like having only one window in your house, and then having it bricked up. Obviously it's fixed now, how else can I pass on this wisdom to you?
I had a flooded bathroom this week, and then someone forced open my yard door whilst I was out yesterday. Thankfully they didn't get into my house, but as I reached for that back door, not knowing whether I would find it locked or open, well you can imagine the horror in my mind. By the way my flood is all but dried up now, thanks for asking.
“Do not anxiously hope for that which is not yet come; do not vainly regret what is already past” - Chinese Proverb
"I'm going down town where there's music, I'm going where voices fill the air, Maybe there's someone waiting for me With a smile and a flower in her hair"
Here I am, at last, and once again courtesy of Messrs Red and wine. Is drink getting to be a problem? Well maybe, it's often the only thing that can make the long lonely evenings bearable. however there is always that moment when the next sip turns you from euphoric to maudlin (I guess that sip has been taken then , eh?). I shall update you if I slip into full blown alcoholism (be assured that I won't, although I imagine that's what all alcoholics say before they are taken).
Lonely, lonely, lonely.
I am missing Billie terribly. I only see her once, maybe twice a week. I am missing Billie terribly.
Meanwhile at work, the stress has upped a gear or too, the days are long, the days are hard, and the rewards are , well questionable. Life outside of work is so very very dull and quite frankly depressing all I do Is watch TV and listen to music (great in moderation, but like everything, dull in excess - I imagine) At least I am fed and warm, well as long as I can afford to run the heating anyway!
Speaking of which. I had a card through my door last week. Gas emergency! They had been digging the street up for a few days, and it looks like they cracked a pipe or two. The upshot was me shivering for 8 hours while two guys ripped off my hall wall and skirting , and dug a six foot deep hole outside my front door ("we'll be back in a week or two to fill it in" - meanwhile I have to run the Mario style gauntlet that is my tiny front path). Eventually I'll get around to replacing the panelling and redecorating too! By the way in a street of maybe 100 terraced houses, mine was the ONLY one affected - ho hum.
I watched the so called "The Prisoner" re-imagining last week. Let me start by saying I love the original show (I even bought it YET AGAIN on Blu-Ray - it looks fantastic!). I can't imagine why they bothered to call it The Prisoner. The connections to the original were tenuous and shoehorned in. These occasional clever little references only highlighted the shortcomings of the show, and made me yearn for the original. It was unfocused, meandering (okay that is the same thing!). The denouement was at the same time totally predictable and completely baffling - figure that one out. There wasn't even an internal logic. I could go on but I won't. If they had called it something else, made it shorter , it could have been a so so TV movie I suppose.
Be seeing you!
“An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.” - Dylan Thomas
"People are strange when you're a stranger, Faces look ugly when you're alone"
Nothing new to say, I simply didn't want to look back on another two week gap in what is effectively my mental health barometer (outlook cloudy) at some distant future date.
Nothing much happened today, it rained and I watched 'Moon' (which turned out to be a wonderful 70s style 'hard' sci-fi movie, loved the Derek Meddings style model work, and surprise - spoiler, Kevin Spacey turned out to be a good guy! oh it's easily a 9/10)
It's after 1am, wine has been consumed , which means I can tell you a little secret. Months ago, thanks to a special offer no less, I signed up for a dating website, but only a day or two later, in a pang of guilt/regret/realisation I'm a deluded nutjob, I deleted my profile. That is not the interesting part, this is - despite having no photo and no demographic details on the site, I still get e-mails from site visitors. I know Ladies like some mystery, but a blank profile? maybe a bit too mysterious eh? (or is it more likely they are scams / spambots?)
“When I got my first television set, I stopped caring so much about having close relationships.” - Andy Warhol
“Between the optimist and the pessimist, the difference is droll. The optimist sees the doughnut; the pessimist the hole!” - Oscar Wilde
I'm going to try and be more upbeat. I'm going to try, I promise. It'll be interesting to look back on this and see what transpired (although I'm sure we both suspect that much like a dead apple tree, or a man with scurvy, it will be fruitless).
I've bought a swanky new phone, it's yet to arrive, but the array of gadgets (it's android not apple by the way) have me toying with the idea of twitter and facebook. Might I stress that's only toying, at this stage. To be honest the inevitable lack of feedback is the most off putting aspect, that and stumbling over someone that I don't want to be stumbling any where in the vicinity of - huh? In all honesty isn't facebook just enforced politeness, if someone from my past wanted to get in touch, wouldn't they have already? This is all very circular and ultimately pointless though.
Today I drank a bottle of wine, watched two films in a row (the coincidentally titled District 9 and District 13 Ultimatum) , and a slew of TV shows. then I contemplated loneliness (hang on a minute! upbeat remember!). I've been re-watching 'Cosmos' on DVD for the first time since I was a teenager. It's such a humbling show that paradoxically makes me feel totally insignificant and optimistic at the same time. Also Carl Sagan was one of the most charming and enigmatic people ever on TV, I imagine in real life he was delightful to be around. I believe it would have been his 75th birthday last week.
“When one's expectations are reduced to zero, one really appreciates everything one does have” -Stephen Hawking
"Lonely, I've been lonely, And I've asked my speechless shoes just were you are"
Er... hello, it's been a while eh?
I just haven't felt like posting anything. Nothing ever happens to me, so maybe unconsciously I was saving up all those hilarious incidents and musings for a more interesting posting. Sadly this theory is of course totally, predictably and hopelessly wrong (as well as being blatant lies) . Nothing has happened.
Work was horrible last weekend (that's two weekends ago now !) , and continued to be so all week. It's been very stressful. One night, last Tuesday I think, I sat down in the changing room after work, and found tears running down my face - what on earth? You think maybe it's my subconscious trying to tell me something? Why does the subconscious have to be, er, so subconsciousey (sic) ? eh?
Days off were so dull that they wouldn't even reflect light.
Billie continues to get more and more independent. In fact I only saw her once last week, due to various pressing teenage social engagements. If I'd known a couple of years ago how little she would be needing me at this time in her life, well I suspect things would probably very different for me. (do I have to spell it out?)
As the weather gets colder and the days shorter, I find myself putting on the winter quilt, physically and mentally. I may just have some trendy condition like 'Seasonal Affective Disorder' , more likely I'm just a sad old git.
The over riding emotion I'm feeling recently (and there a lots to choose from!) is loneliness. Days can go by without me speaking to another adult. My family are more isolationist than pre 19th century Japan. I've lived here for over four years now and never had (to quote Seinfeld) a 'drop in' (despite having two living parents and 3 siblings nearby). In fact I can count on the fingers of one hand (even If I'd somehow lost two fingers from said appendage) the amount of visits I've had in that time - their has to be something wrong with me, don't you think? (That's plenty - I'm annoying myself with these new depths of whininess, although in what maybe a subconscious,{what again?}, coincidence, I rewatched 'The Sixth Sense' tonight and totally identified with Bruce Willis' character)
In complete turnabout of mood - I did watch the rest of season one of 'True Blood' last week and enjoyed it immensely. I just love snappy dialogue and characters you can emotionally invest in.
I'll try and post again in less than two weeks, after all I don't want to deprive future generations of my sage words do I?
(PS - next morning, I've just, on a whim, shaved off the beard I've had since June. The shock of being greeted by a big pink goggly eyed potato in the mirror was, well, shocking! I'm off to start growing a beard, or lose four stone, preferably both)
“Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.” - Jean-Paul Satre
"Every evening when the sun goes down I sit here in my room And the lamplight shining on me projects my lonely gloom My counterpart in agony mocks each tear that falls And I cast a lonesome shadow on these lonely, lonely walls"
(now that's a cheery lyric, isn't it?)
(midnight on Wednesday - actually more like 2am) More bloggy goodness? Once or twice over the past few days I honestly toyed with deleting the whole darn thing. Funny how a different perspective, a little word or nuance you hadn't previously considered can put a different spin on everything.
I was upset after my last post, upset in a feeling sorry poor poor Billy kind of way (which was neither deserved or appropriate). Unfortunately when this combined with an awful few days at work, a couple of unfortunate incidents, plus my generally dour outlook, I brewed up a scowling, all encompassing bad mood. Thankfully it's fading somewhat. The upshot is I haven't been fun to be around, but since I lead and almost completely solitary existence, the universe has found it easy to live with.
(2pm on Thursday) I was pretty tired last night, so left this post unfinished. In the cold (very cold) light of day things look a little cheerier, but only discernible with some sort of high tech measuring device, the name of which escapes me now, oh hang on - a micrometer! (obviously I could have deleted that ramble, but I have to fill these posts somehow!) .
I'm resigned to my lonely fate now, and I don't even believe in fate! (That makes little or no sense)
Since I went out in February (for 2 hours) that means it's almost time for my other night out, ie Christmas. There was almost zero interest from myself and my colleagues, Ward morale is very low, but I was practically press ganged into attending. I'm still not that keen to be honest. Now I have to find something in XXL for me to wear - eBay here I come (eventually).
My ipod has packed up. I'm lost without it, but I cannot/will not buy a new one. I've tried everything except formatting it, so I suppose I'll try that then, eh? (but oh the drudgery of putting everything back!)
...and since it is finally payday today (damned five week months) , I splashed out on the True Blood Blu-Ray box set. Why this is important I cannot say.
And to the ever mysterious 'anonymous' , thanks again for your kind comment, and sorry for my belated reply!
“Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.” - Carl Sagan
A little explanation - this was written, but not posted , very very late last night (in fact more like very very early this morning). I was very tired (but still didn't get to bed until around 5), and quite upset. Not in the feeling sorry for myself kind of way though, more total self disgust, although I admit to the casual observer, both states might appear identical. Things always seem worse in the early hours, and this morning they seem, well actually just as bad.
Look, here's a change, me being brutally honest, with myself. Everything feels very pointless tonight, even more so than usual. You may have noticed an exchange of comments in an earlier posting, and it's made me think long and hard. My life is not so unusual, many many people are lonely , even in a world of 6 billion and rising. It's just that, well, I suppose I'm a misfit, not unlikable, but unliked. I'm not blaming anyone, I could I suppose (parents?), but let's face it I'm the sole architect of my own destruction, all of them I suspect. And speaking of destruction, maybe (maybe?) I unconsciously sabotage everything I touch, (or maybe not so unconsciously?) To be honest I don't get on well with people (read any previous posting for evidence) , and then I repeatedly bemoan the fact assigning blame to everyone else but me (at least outwardly).
I had a good friend, and I ruined it, totally, completely, and unilaterally. I will always be sorry for that. Your last comment brought into a very sharp focus what a total and complete shit I was / am (excuse the language).
See you all next time I hit the wine I imagine?
“I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road.” - Stephen Hawking
"And how can we win, When fools can be kings, Don't waste your time, Or time will waste you"
Well here you find me, in that most agreeable of states, a bit (a lot) drunk, around midnight, with days off looming. This is the nearest I get to happy, I'm not trying to portray myself as some tortured romantic, I'm just a sad and very lonely middle aged man, who has nothing better to do with his time. The upshot of the wine is that it loosens lips, but unfortunately breeds a certain amount of incoherence too sadly. Anyone remember that great (if incredibly twee and sentimental) old Christopher Reeve movie 'Somewhere in time'? (fabulous John Barry score by the way...) he falls in love with an old photo (of Jane Seymour no less), and literally wills himself back in time. Well I spent the best part of night with a similar sentiment, wishing I could go back and well have another go, to bring up a super cliche, hindsight is always 20-20, blah, blah, blah.
I accidentally left the heating on all day, consequently it's midnight and 29.4 degrees in my usually chilly dining room. Why this should interest anyone I cannot possibly imagine, but well , as the title states it's my blog, and if anyone ever stops by here well they stay (mostly) silent about it.
Oh how I hate to admit this but I'm toying with the idea of a dating website. I'm not desperate for romance, but friendship would be welcome, and mostly, I cannot abide men, all they want to talk about is sport and how manly they are. Frankly who gives a toss? That's why I enjoy working with Women so much, of the three male colleagues I have only one is heterosexual, and he's my boss. Men always seem to be out to prove something , at least to other Men, it's all false bravado, and essentially hollow statements, and I don't care for that. I'm essentially a loner, but male company bores me. Did I mention I was thinking of joining a dating website (vain attempt to return to a point).
Tonights viewing - BattlestarGalactica 'The Plan' straight to video movie. To be honest, I was disappointed, it had it's moments, but to be honest it was just a clip show, albeit of clips you had never seen before. Dean Stockwell was superb, some of the effects were a little iffy, there was one shot of Lucy Lawless, but there was no sense of coherence, sadly, and the sum of the parts did not equal more than the whole, or however that saying goes. There was some lovely shots of Vancouver however (here he goes again ...)
On the upside 'True Blood' is still wonderful ...
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” - George Bernard Shaw
"At the age of thirty-seven she realised she'd never; Ride through paris in a sports car with the warm wind in her hair."
Billie stayed over last night. In what is now our Saturday night routine, she watched X-Factor (ugh!) online, simultaneously on facebook, messenger and her phone, whilst I watched hi definition, 10ft pictures. This led to a (mostly one sided, ie me) chat on what technology I was using when I was her age (er, 1978 for those that are interested. 3 TV channels, one TV in the house, not even a video, and no phone until 1981 !( which partially explains my total lack of interest in mobiles, well that and having no friends anyway). I spent all of my time listening to Radio 4 and going to the library (to borrow books, not just for the sake of the trip - oh and reading them too, oh pedantic reader). Sounding ever more pathetic, but frankly not caring, Christmas 1978, my main present was a calculator! Blimey Charley! I could go on and probably will some time...
Yet another 13 hour shift tomorrow!
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” - Groucho Marx
“She gave me eyes, she gave me ears; And humble cares, and delicate fears; A heart, the fountain of sweet tears; And love and thought and joy.”
The theme of today is tiredness. I seem to be yo-yoing between insomnia and exhaustion. I don't think I have true insomnia, as it seems to follow no set pattern or predictability. And as for exhaustion, I'm putting that down completely to age, for like it or not, I am (aging that is), and a 13 hour shift preceded by a few early shifts is tiring for anyone, isn't it?. Last night, after work, I had planned to stay up late, watch a film, listen and read. Predictably I soon found my self fast asleep (although obviously I had to wake up first to find myself asleep, if you see!) in front of the computer long before I'd done anything and crawled off to bed to sleep very soundly (and if I had any bad dreams, I simply don't remember).
I really have to do something to break the monotony! I have nothing to write about here, because I have nothing to write about anywhere. You could say that my swinging moods, disturbed sleep, bad dreams, and apathy, are all symptoms of depression, that may be so, but they are also symptoms of extreme boredom (no they're are not, but go on admit it, you believed me for a second or two, didn't you?).
Goodnight...
“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that ...”
"Take me out tonight, Because I want to see people and I Want to see life"
As the song says "didn't get to bed last night", well kind of. I fell asleep in front of the TV around 1am, and woke up at 3.30. then of course I couldn't get back to sleep, so I gave up and just stayed up all night. It's been a while since I was awake at that point where late night becomes early morning. All very poetic, but consequently I feel like hell now ! (and it's a 13 hour shift tomorrow!)
I did get to watch the first three episodes of 'True Blood' though and what a show it is. It reminded me of a little 'American Gothic' mixed in with a bit of 'Six Feet Under' (of course). I've a feeling that I'll watch the whole first season very quickly!
I suppose I should go to bed?
“How do people go to sleep? I'm afraid I've lost the knack. I might try busting myself smartly over the temple with the nightlight. I might repeat to myself, slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound; if I can remember” - Dorothy Parker
You know, to be honest, I'm the last person who needs a blog. I have no friends, no social life, hardly any original thoughts, no really strong opinions, and I'm too lazy to be really passionate about anything. What have I got to say? On the (slightly) upside, I suppose it is cathartic, at least a little.
Yesterday, I foolishly said a few home truths to one of the Matrons at work, and upon arriving today I got a reprimand from my Charge Nurse, who had received an e-mail about my attitude! me of all people. I'm certainly not a trouble maker, and the funny thing is , everyone, bar none, who was present, agreed with all I said. Of course no one said so actually at the time!
I'm still having bad dreams. I woke up this morning and tried to hang on to a few images from them. We all know how frustrating that is, vainly clinging to an alternative reality, that is almost always, if not better, than at least more interesting than the 'real' one. It's only a matter of time before technology and dreams collide, and will we then ever want to leave? I doubt it.
(re-reading the title of my last post, I actually did have an haircut last week, that six monthly event so soon? With my long hair and big full beard I was starting to resemble Robinson Crusoe on his day off! the cut wasn't a complete disaster, but maybe once, just once I should pay the big bucks for a decent cut!)
After a smashing opener, I must say that Dexter , Season 4, has taken a bit of a downturn. His suburban life is so cloying, not only for the character , but the viewer. Overall it's a little dull, here's hoping the lot of them get bumped off later in the run.
I so regret not going away somewhere on my recent time off. I'm making a vow to go away for a few days the next time I'm off. It has got to be either Scotland, or maybe Belfast, let's wait and see,
I'm feeling incredibly lonely tonight.
“The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more important to do.”
"When day is done and shadows fall, I dream of you."
I'm just off to bed. I just wanted to say something, nothing in particular, just something. Speaking off bed, I've had a few troubled nights sleep. Not insomnia this time, I've been going to bed tired alright, but bad dreams! At least I think that's the trouble,I know I've been getting up feeling unrested and troubled. Remember how I sleep with the radio on due to my tinnitus? well the programmes seem to have been influencing the contents of my dreams too!
It's gotten really cold at last, hasn't it? I had to bite the proverbial bullet and put the central heating on, another yearly rite de passage!
Mini rant - I watched the "GI Joe" movie tonight and it was, to be brief, dreadful. To be less brief, one review said it should be renamed "CGI Joe", and that about sums it up. Characters that struggled to creep up to one dimension and so very very cliched (comedy black hero side kick anyone? emotionally repressed hot geek, crusty general with a heart of gold, no nonsense military man who comes to grudgingly respect the new upstart) Villianess redeemed by love (and apparently mind controlled until the denouement!). So-so special effects (I've seen better PlayStation games), hardly any dialogue (and what there was written by dyslexic robots, reading from a book of movie cliches), totally lacking in charm motivations signposted with the biggest signs ever erected, predictable plot, banal 'action' sequences. a little irony and knowing humour, more 'real' effects, and it would have been passable. I could go on, but the film doesn't deserve any more discussion. What was Christopher Ecclestone thinking? (a clue it's green, it folds and it rhymes with 'funny'). It makes the Transformers sequel look like Citizen Kane. Enough, no more...
“Whoever controls the media, controls the mind” - Jim Morrison
"Oh I stood there and cried, And watched love fade away, I saw an angel die, My heart died too that day"
After a relatively (for a sloth like me anyway) slew of posts, a few quiet days. Why? a few days of wining dining and the high life? well hardly, come on it's ME you're talking about (rather rudely if I may say so!). Well work was busy, I slept a lot, I've developed at least one new pain (right knee, by the way). Plus I've had my days off. I love my days off, I see Billie, I drink wine, and I watch movies, on my wonderful 10ft screen (really, that projector is the best thing I've ever bought!). For the first time in a long while, I haven't had that gnawing despondency in the pit of my stomach. who knows what this means, theorise away by all means, I'd like to hear your theories (by the way, if there is anybody there, and there seems to be at least a couple of you, I love your comments, I wonder if I will finally succumb to Facebook? strangely in this day, it's the non member who is the outsider, and apparently I enjoy that? apparently). I don't feel happy today, but I certainly don't feel sad.
I bought 10 vinyl albums today. Best of all was the Glenn Campbell / Bobbie Gentry album, in super condition for 10p, yes, 10p . Later, I lay on the living room floor ,head on a cushion by the speakers, in the total darkness, and listened. I'd really forgotten the warmth (a cliche , but so, so true) of vinyl, and the nostalgia was almost overwhelming.
Don't fret, I'll be miserable again tomorrow!
David Marciano in this weeks House! and Playing a Canadian! Superb in-joke casting? (if you get the reference you are truly a friend!). (damn , just realised I forgot to record True Blood, what an idiot!)
(I watched this yesterday, very funny. Isuppose best decribed as a French Austin Powers but actually a wonderfully authentic recreation / pastiche of the early Connery Bonds / late 50s cold war thrillers - and a sequel on blu ray soon)
“I think writing about unhappiness is probably the source of my popularity, if I have any-after all, most people are unhappy, don't you think?” - Philip Larkin
"You're travelling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind; a journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's the signpost up ahead - your next stop, the Twilight Zone!"
